layers of loss

quarter past 10 in the evening now.  it's just about time to shut it down.  the day turned out far more melancholy than i'd expected.  just emotionally, it was a ride.  i feel okay but i have on me at this point a sort of pall in regard to the coming month, a belief in a shortfall financially, no ability to balance things out beforehand, as i did last month, and just a general disgust as a result.  i'm looking for work; i've put in more applications today, i wait for calls for interviews.  i am just tired of the process, i guess.  i'm unable to make payments on my Paypal account, i have to come up with the funds for my AAA service, which i would dump but my dad gifted it to myself and my brother and he wants to keep his and i don't know how to extract myself without him losing service, so i'll find a way.  i'm really not feeling horrible in this but i'm trying to get more honest now. 

i danced for 15 minutes this morning.  it was nice, to put on some music and just move my body until i was sweating.  i'm going to try to incorporate more of that.  i showered and shaved and i got myself to the meeting.  i had a chance to speak some 12 step stuff to a woman who got there earlier, thinking we were still having our anniversary meeting today.  she'd been having some struggles and i was able to share experience, strength and hope, and that always makes me feel better.  the meeting was okay. 

i went to lunch with Lonnie, and we went to do some runs he had.  i got sad, listening to him toward the end, talking to his son about some tech stuff, talking to his wife on the other line about what dinner would be.  i realized the 'shut down' thing that i do, it's pretty pronounced.  i wasn't tired; i was just sad and pensive, and the knowledge of someone else having family happiness just makes me wish i'd made some different choices along the way.  i miss Syd.  i miss De'Ja again already.  I miss Rachel.  i miss people in my space, or i miss having space that is being shared by those i care about and for. 

one of those things that is sort of inexplicable...as i get older, the healing from loss actually constitutes another layer of loneliness.  someone should have told me this one was coming.  anyway, i'm thankful.  i saw my parents, i got more soda and paper towels.  we'll see what tomorrow brings when it gets here, and thank you, Jehovah, for allowing me to see clearly with my eyes open.