yesterday...a bitter cold day. coldest this year so far, i'm pretty sure, as we had a pretty mild winter last year, starting this year out. it was friday, and i started it well enough. got up with prayer and readings and medicines, got up with a need to prepare for the day and the weekend. i had no definitive plans; a lunch thing with a friend from the meetings, visit my parents and see how they were doing, and counseling.
first thing was how i cut my head during my mornin grooming. i was shaving my head and i don't know how i did it, but i cut a good gash into my scalp. it pissed me off more than hurt, as i tend to bleed a lot from scalp cuts. i got it under control but it meant a shitty job shaving the rest of my head. that was on thursday. friday, it was not bleeding, it had started scabbing over, but i am a scab picker, don't know why, just my thing. and it is always best, as a diabetic, to be aware of the status of your cuts and scabs, as you are more prone to infection than others. but, i was still feeling pretty good. i'd done some reflecting, i was in a good place philosophically, and i was ready for the day. i got some easy breakfast since i had a lunch thing planned and i went to counseling. and that was my first moment.
it was a good session, but i put my foot way into my mouth by the end of it. any reason for why would just be a bullshit excuse, but the point is i made a statement about my counselor that i should not have, in a flirtatious way. again, my bullshit would be to say 'it wasn't intended that way', but the truth is, it shouldn't have come out of my mouth that way. a person is a friend and looks out for your best interest. you care about and for that person's well being, and they care about yours and therefore they are a friend, regardless of anything else. we've had some dynamic sessions, deeper than many people would be willing to go as a client, deeper than many people would be willing to travel as a counselor. but there are boundaries, and i saw that a depth had been reached and i tried to come up from it and i crossed a line and i feel (present tense still) really bad about it. i apologized and it was accepted, but it was through text and it was later and it shouldn't have taken me that much contemplation to gather that. that's all i can say on that.
the next thing was at my parent's house. my lunch thing didn't happen, so i decided i would make breakfast for my mother, and some extra in case my dad decided to eat. my mother, as i worked on her food, started asking questions about my teeth, or lack thereof. i felt it was going to a not-good place, but i told her my reasons for not having dentures, for getting my teeth pulled and why i never bothered trying to get used to the replacements. i am a person who has come to believe in being honest with self. i made some bad, foolish decisions when i first got sober about not going to the dentist for fear of the Novocaine making me feel like i was high on freebase cocaine, and i made some foolish decisions when i got my false teeth about not wanting any more mouth pain, as i'd endured it for years and years as my teeth fell out slowly. you pay for what you get, you own what you pay for, and everything you own comes home to you eventually. Stephen King. anyway, my mom had found a way to twist the fact of myself and my older brother having dental issues to it being her fault for being a bad mother, and i kind of lost it. not yelling, but sort of preaching at her about why i don't get into things like that with her, and trying to add perspective (yes) on the fact that everyone i know has had a troublesome childhood, and that she can't be responsible for everything in the world. i left feeling irritated with myself (more) and frustrated. later, at home, one of my social media friends was talking about a problem she was having with a guy who'd been in her life, and again i went into a tirade that was just farther than it needed to go. and it made me wonder, why am i having so much trouble with my boundaries?
it deserves a better answer than i have right now. it's november, it's cold, i'm alone in this house, i am having trouble finding work, my money is short as fuck, my parents aren't doing as well as they could be healthwise, as well as they should be financially due to my dad losing track of his spending memory. my daughter is expecting her first child first thing after high school. thanksgiving is coming, i have no living room furniture, its cold and drafty in this house, and so on, and so on and scooby dooby doo. and none of those things are lies, and none of those things are excuses. because something of a matching nature is always happening in the life of the living individual. so what's the issue?
i don't have an answer to that right now.
i look at this world and i think, it's such a bad place to be right now, this point in history. it's getting complicated too. there are women coming out of everywhere, speaking on their sexual abuses, naming their abusers. men also. there are huge changes that are going to come from this point in time. a part of me is saddened because it is very believable, despite the fact that it could just be a new bandwagon. but most of the women i know in my life, most of the women i've known, are and were victims of some form of sexual abuse, from molestation to rape to sexual terrorism. so what's not to believe? men are pigs and assholes, by and large. the world sits in the grasp of obvious idiots and madmen, waiting for the right combination of bullshit to use as an excuse to launch missiles of death and sickness across the globe. after all these years, the public still doesn't get that there's no way for any human being to win an all-out nuclear war, and you have to wonder why don't they get it?
the picture up top was taken this summer in the parking lot of CCA. i may have posted it before. it's a grasshopper, rode across the city with me to my job. i took it with my phone; it looked as if it were some giant monster flying overhead. that's perspective. things have a size and scale, and when you get too close to some things they are gigantic and scary, and if you move far away from things they look insignificant and fragile. but likely neither of those things are completely true. things just are; and all we can really do about them is let them be what they are, see them honestly, no matter how the glass or the lens might warp them, not lie to ourselves about them, and then move on.
i'm cold. i'm weary. but i'm grateful. i've shelter that some don't have; i've food that many don't have, and i've resources that would make some believe i am rich. my gratitude is to God that i recognize these truths and can return to being right sized again, and in fact believe i already have. i'm done.
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