no plate pics today, sad to say. i have to admit, the best plate in the world is the one you wait for, and i've waited for three days to be able to eat a plate of the food i fixed in my own home for my own thanksgiving dinner. the portents of the future, road signs that are very obvious...when you are paying attention along the route. i don't see a good ten years away for me, and that makes me extremely sad. but it makes me determined as well. i can't just fold up. i can't just allow this to roll over me like some goddamned construction vehicle, paving the way for some new suburb where people don't give a damn about imagination, originality or creativity. so, the time has come, the Walrus said...
today the back is doing much better, but as it the pattern, the gout flared, this time in both feet. i still got some things done today. opened in prayer, and fell back asleep quickly. woke again, impressed that i'd managed to get up and turn on the coffee from yesterday. i took my medicines and i pondered breakfast, but i'd decided i was going to just eat lunch, so i wouldn't be stuffing myself out of greed and anesthetic, but truly to be hungry and want what i put on my plate. so around 12 i went slowly, hobblingly, into the kitchen and retrieved my dishes once again, and i heated my greens, and i put a plate together for the microwave, and i sat and had my thanksgiving lunch. it was very good, but my greens weren't right; the cooking for one is just out of reach, but it will come to me. no choice.
my father called and asked if i needed anything since he was at church, which is in this neighborhood. i told him no, but he was welcome to visit if he wanted to. we had a nice time, stress-free and even some laughter. he didn't stay long, but that was okay. it was nice to have him here, nice to have a table for him to sit at and ice water for him to drink. it was warm enough for him, and i can't really ask too much more than that. after he left, i did my second dose of medication for this gout flare up, and i've mostly been laying down letting the convalescing take place. i called some people, texted with some people and eventually i put the food away in the freezer and fridge. i had hoped Lonnie might make it by today, but he had quite a bit on his metaphoric plate, and i didn't really expect him with much enthusiasm. just would have been nice.
my dreams have been a bit more graphic lately, i believe as a response to the videos i sleep to these days. they are binaural, which is just tonal beneath consciousness, with music above the tonation and they last, the ones i pick, between 8-10 hours. i sleep deeper with them, but lately the dreams have been vivid. i dreamed last night, for instance, that Lonnie and I were doing some kind of home repair work to a house in Columbus, and that the resident (or owner, not sure which) didn't really want us doing the work. we finished up and were walking away when we passed a building where i knew a CA meeting was going on and i asked if he'd mind if i went in, and i did and saw Chris and a woman named Delia that i know from Columbus there, and no one else that i knew. and the meeting was pretty miserable. Chris was trying to say something, and there were young people ridiculing her for being so old-fashioned and out of touch (side note: this evening Chris was complaining about a 13th step taking place between someone she sponsored (newcomer) and someone she knows (more sober time, obviously), and she was pretty angry about it while i find that par for the course anymore). i got a chance to talk to Delia and that made me feel good, as we don't speak these days. Her mom, a friend of mine also, passed in a pretty bad way, that messed Delia up pretty bad, and i was no support for her, being in the midst of a depression at the time. there is no good timing for death, depression or grief, i'm finding. but even in a dream, it was nice to talk to her. (another side note: i woke this morning, got on Facebook, and found a friend request from Delia; had to check to make sure it wasn't some kind of hacker thing or spyware thing...it was legit, and very coincidental, eh?)\
i've been reading an Andrew Vachss book. one of my favorite authors, and one of my favorite people. it's good to read, like i'm warming up.
i feel okay inside. i'm still thinking about Rachel, but i am not grieving her right now. i don't think i'm done grieving her, but i do think i'm coming along, and i am grateful to Jehovah for that and so much more. time to shut it down.
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