in the 12 step programs, they tend to call November 'gratitude month', on the basis of this being the month of Thanksgiving. for me, every November since 1988 has been a gratitude month; if i am blessed with another 4 days of sobriety, i'll mark my 29th complete year of chemical abstinence. i am grateful for the days, and if those days add up to 29 years, i'll be just as grateful. but it's not something that i talk about so much as something i'm trying to live.
so, life is not bad today. honestly, i'm feeling pretty good, pretty fair physically. but i'm noticing something about myself. maybe this goes back to my recent...'thing'...in counseling as well. i don't know, and i'm not going to keep doing CPR on that body either.
what i'm noticing is that conversation is becoming exhausting for me. i first noticed it on Saturday, when Syd and Joe were here. as i was trying to say something significant to them, wanting them to know that i wasn't sitting in judgment of them but wanted them to be okay, i found myself exhausted to the point of not being able to get the film shot that Syd was going to help me with. and it was all in the conversation with them. i just experienced the same thing with De'ja, who made it in for Thanksgiving. trying to communicate with him about things going on in his life, and things going on in mine, and i'm tired as hell now, though i had a good nights sleep and woke to the prayers and readings and meditation and a shower and shaving and breakfast today. now that i'm writing, i feel okay again, and we'll be heading north shortly, to get things ready for dinner at my parent's house. but i need to take some time to reason this out; am i really getting down into what's going on with me? or is the exhaustion a defense against outright honesty?
i'm going to update later, but for now, things to do.
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