...bit of a letdown...

well, just to make a note of it, the job with Conduent that i'd been praying for decided they'd go with someone else.  they sent a nice email, and they were cool about it.  i'm a little sad, not as much as i thought i'd be.  i need income greater than disability, and i need it soon, but the truth is, aside from the internet bill, the foundation stuff is already paid for next month.  i'll have a few extra dollars.  i need some car repairs, and the house still needs work, but i'll only do what i'm able to do, because i can do no more than that.  so, life is going to go on.  but i figured i'd mention it.  i'd gathered no eggs into that basket, but it still sucks to see the basket empty.  Oh well, it's a lovely basket anyway! 😎

getting into the day slowly...

man, it rains and it pours, that is the truth.  it doesn't matter, because you have to deal with life, but it definitely affects how you go through the day most often.  this is just getting old, i know.  but still, from one pain to the next, from one crisis to the next, from one situation to the next.  that is the nature of this journey.  and in the end, you just make do as best you can, right?

as per usual (you can set your watch to this, almost), my back is okay today, but my left knee is acting up.  it feels swollen, feels painful and doesn't want to bend.  that was going to sleep, and it was waking up.  so i prayed, first thing, so i could have my gratitude in place for my back pain relief, and then i slowly started working on this stuff. 

i took my meds and my insulin, and i took my last prednisone (anti-inflammatory steroid), two colcrys (gout med for flare-ups) and half a prescription strength pain pill, definitely not OTC.  i drank some coffee and some water and i laid back down, and have been there most of the morning.  i've been flexing my knee, gauging the relief, and there is some finally, so i took the other half of the pain pill and i started moving around.  probably not the smart option, but i have shit to do.  so i am upstairs in my office now.  i'm going to try to do some bathroom stuff, i'm going to get some clean clothes and i'm going to go to the store, as i need some supplies.  i've not eaten today, i'm hungry but i don't want to spend more time on my leg than need be.  plus, i'm running out of supplies, so i need stuff.  i've got to plan out my dinner so i can not go spend-crazy at the store.  and i'm washing and drying an overdue load of clothes so i can have that out of the way.  didn't do my cleaning this weekend, but being that it's just me, i'm thinking i can forgive myself the poor upkeep,since it's not that bad anyway. 

but i have to bear in mind, it can be worse, likely it will be worse one day soon.  as the saying goes, 'i lamented the fact i had no shoes, until i met the man who had no feet'.  i'm in pain, but i'm moving.  i hurt, but i'll drive where i need to go.  i'll get done what i have to and i'll shut it down again.  that's the nature of this life. 

i am blessed and grateful to Jehovah today, for the healing that happens in His time, on His schedule. 

spirit search

recovering spirit is not an easy task.  one, because it's not really ever clear as to when or where one actually lost or misplaced their spirit, and two, because whatever forces were enough to dislodge something so vital to a person is not likely to simply relinquish its hold upon the item.  but things like the picture to the left keep me mindful that i have a sense of self greater than my current situation and that even in my down time, change still occurs and growth is still happening.

today was not much of a day.  after hyperloading on meds last night, i got a good sleep but didn't feel pushing myself was the way to go.  i'd already cancelled my attendance at the meeting and gave Lonnie the tickets to the Jeckyl and Hyde thing at Stambaugh.  so i took a day to rest.  i said a prayer and fell back to sleep.  got coffee started, and fell back asleep.  i finally got up, had coffee and water, lit incense, took meds and read scripture and meditation book, and fell asleep again.  i got up and started brunch, guess i'd call it, about 10:30 or so, and my brother Jerry stopped by to check on me.  we talked for awhile and then he left for church and i ate my brunch, a chicken, spinach and mushroom flatbread pizza.  i've been watching anime movies on Youtube all day, and i made my dinner about 4, fried chicken, cali blend veggies and mashed potatoes.  i did the dishes, and i got the trash together but not taken out yet.  tomorrow i'm going to do my clothes, take out the trash and go to the store.  need things, been needing them for a minute now.

my back isn't hurting as much, and the Tylenol is handling it for the most part, but i still can't swear that's its just arthritis.  could be though.  i know i keep getting this burning/stinging in my feet, neuropathy, and my fingertips are numb, same thing, and my hands go numb often, same thing.  i know that i am looking toward tomorrow and not seeing a whole lot of active days.  and that sucks.  but the thing about tomorrow is, it never comes.  it's always today, if you're conscious.  today is the only day you have to live.  you have no tomorrows promised to you.  you have no yesterdays you can go back and change.  so the things dealt with today are the important things.  they are the things that make a difference in my life right now.  the rest is just window dressing.  and i'm not going to get off into that.

i've had some nice dreams lately.  Rachel's come into my dreams and we've spoken there at least.  i guess if we have any connection, she's having them too.  but that's yesterday/tomorrow in the real world.  nice not to be pained by it all the time.

i am grateful to Jehovah for my mom and dad, who got and brought me cranberry juice, the kind i needed.  i'm grateful to Lonnie, who came over with Thera-flu and tea, and made me a cup of each, though he was hurting himself.  i'm thankful for my brother and Chris, and Syd, for checking on me as best they can.  i am trying to overlook nothing at this point.  i am not angry at anyone, and i'm not going to live in resentment over other people's behavior, because it kills my chance to be of service, should that opportunity arise.  i don't have to repent what i haven't done, but i have to forgive what humans do, because i do some dumb human shit myself, more often than i care to admit.

keep my job prospects in your prayers, please.

heavy fuel

i've medicated the fuck out of myself this evening.  thanks to my friend, Lonnie, who is conscientious to a fault, brought me Thera-flu and tea, and i've had both, and a Tylenol, and Gabapentin as i keep getting this burning stinging in my feet.  my hands keep going numb, and i'm expecting a flare of gout.  but for now, going to put on some meditative shit, shut it all the way down and re-assess in the morning.  all i can do.  Thank you, Father, for friends who care.  good friends need not be plentiful, and plentiful friends aren't always good.  good night. 

mo' pains

it's Saturday.  i'm hurting, again.  it's been coming on for the past few days, but i've been trying to ignore it.  last time, they told me it was arthritis in my lower back, not a UTI.  i can dig it, but why does a flare up of arthritis come with heavy urination and an ache in my legs?  next will come the gout/neuropathy, probably.  but i'm trying to stay proactive right now.  last night, i passed on an outing with Lonnie and his wife to see Young Frankenstein, as i really just wasn't feeling the being upright thing for extended periods.  and if this is truly just an aggravated back situation, that has to be how i aggravated it in the first place, by all the time i've spent in uncomfortable sitting situations, trying to help Syd with her current thing, helping my parents with dinner and putting away groceries, and what have you.  but it's manageable at the moment.  just burned my last Vicodan, been saving it and figured now's as good a time as any.  my dad is bringing me cranberry juice, and i've been taking Tylenol as well.  i can move better than last time, and i had breakfast an a cup of coffee today.  so, relatively speaking, it's not as bad.  but it's still enough to give me pause.

i didn't read my stuff today yet, but i did pray.  i also got my meds taken.  i have a load of clothes to wash, that i'd like to get done, but i'm not going to kill myself for one load.  i've got soup in the fridge (foresight, thank you Father) and i've got a can of soup in reserve.  i am going to nap shortly and try to get myself some dinner cooked.  the day is slow, cold and ugly, but it is a day, and i am alive and sober and therein lies my gratitude.

i had my first interview with Conduent on Friday, and it seemed to go well. they didn't ask a bunch of stupid questions and they kept it brief, and i appreciate that.  if i am offered the position, i'm going to take it.  i asked for prayers and good vibes, and i got them, i feel.  i just want to make sure i'm up to snuff to do this work.  either way it goes, something's coming, and i am blessed just with the knowledge of that.

wanted to get this in, don't intend to miss another day.  i am grateful to my Father, Jehovah, for giving me what i need to be okay today.  as today is all we have, i am okay, period.  and that's that for now.

very tired

i don't know what the picture selection indicates.  i'm tired, i know that much.  i was up way too early and i've done quite a bit of running today.  i need some sleep, which is why i'm getting this in early, so i don't fall asleep and forget.  but scant chance of that, really.  i am not one to just do the daytime nod thing anymore, though i loved those naps like they were all my children.  no, i will find bullshit to do until at some point i put on a binaural beats video and slip from consciousness, to awaken to a new repetition.  that's the overwhelming consensuses, anyway.

so, i did the thing with Syd, and i spent some time with her which was cool.  we talked and she bought me lunch, which is always my favorite thing for someone to do.  and she has an apartment with Joe, and she says things are going okay, and i won't ask or argue. 

i did get up and pray and read my stuff and take my medicines and i did have coffee and water, so i started the day on point.  i also had done my assessments yesterday for this tech support position, and i got my speed test sent off, so that was all done.  i really had nothing else scheduled for today.

after i dropped Syd back at home i went to my parent's house.  my dad was gone as usual, but my mom was there and we talked and watched some Law and Order Criminal Intent, and then i left, because i am sleepy as fuck.  i came home because i'd gotten another email concerning the possibility of scheduling an interview with the company from yesterday, but they were asking for another speed test, which i've just finished and emailed off.  now, i'm ready to wrap the day up, even as early as it is.

i can say i talked to my friend Felecia early this morning, and she is still askingme to edit her book, and i'm still trying to work my way into getting paid more, for my troubles, which i feel is legit at this point.  i can say that i need to put in some more applications, but i'm going to wait til tomorrow, because i've got enough energy for exactly one more thing sitting here right now, and then i'm done for the day.

and i can say i'm thankful to Jehovah, for time with Syd, for time with my mother, and for breath.  i can say that unequivocally. and i can say that if this is not sufficient, then it just will have to be, because i'm done.   

...it's not too late...

well, it's almost too late.  and i should have been sleep, but this is the time, and i won't end this night without gratitude being stated.  it would be wrong, and more to the point, it could very well be detrimental.

yesterday i went over my Financial Meditation details.  i spoke candidly, because it doesn't help anything to lie to oneself, and it really does much more harm than good when you get good at the practice of self-deceit.  i have made some decisions, and things will work out.  as i'd spoke before, the Promises of the program, that come with the continuous development of Step 9, include 'fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us'.  i believe that, i truly do.  so, i didn't freak out, and have no intention on doing so.  what i did was i wrote on it and i went to sleep. 

when i got up today, i started the day as i do.  i prayed, and i included this in my prayer:  Father, i know that i am taken care of.  i know that your will will be done and that things are going to work out.  i don't know if i have the right to ask for anything specifically, but i need a job.  i need something that i can do, something that is in my abilities.  according to your will, Father, please help me'.  I'm sure that's paraphrased, but that was the essence.  i then went to the kitchen, lit incense, took meds, read scripture and meditation book, had coffee and water and had breakfast.  i put in a couple of applications, one at Easter Seals and one at Spectrum (formerly Time Warner).  i groomed and showered and dressed, as i had a noon meeting to attend to.

i got to the meeting early and i talked to Lonnie and we made arrangements for lunch.  the meeting itself was okay, we had a good number of people but we also had no time for discussion, as one individual held the meeting hostage with a lengthy repetitive comment and we had a group conscience meeting/business meeting about our upcoming anniversary next month.  but, i got an email from Spectrum, telling me they were going with someone who had more of the qualifications they were looking for.  i was glad to get such a swift reply, but also somewhat disheartened as i was hoping for good things from there (it would mean a consideration on my internet bill, perhaps even the addition of cable).  but I got something else, as well.

Last month, i'd applied at a company called Conduent, i think.  it was for a straight customer service, work from home position.  i had applied, did all the information and things and asked to receive updates by email.  i wasn't getting updates as to my status but i got several, at least one a day and sometimes more, about other positions at other locations with their company.  eventually, i went back to their site and turned off the notifications for the job updates for other positions.  i didn't even see the position listed any longer, and figured it was just another prospect down the tubes, and i just had to keep it moving. 

well, i got two emails from them today.  apparently, they reviewed my stuff and are considering me for a position.  there were things i needed to do, like run a diagnostic to determine if my internet speed was on point, and do some assessments that they had pre-hire.  i got these emails while i was at the meeting as well. 

so i went to lunch with Lonnie, i came home after and i went to my office and did the assessments.  i did the speed test for my internet as well.  i took a screenshot of the results of the diagnostic and emailed it back to the woman who'd contacted me as per instructions. 

i ate dinner eventually, meat loaf sandwich and some of my delicious cod chowder.  i have been online, i have a run to make with Syd tomorrow (details to be withheld until next i have a session with my counselor), and i'm going to go see my parents again. 

thing is, i am blessed.  i don't know if this job will come through or not.  i hope it does.  but i have FAITH that something is coming.  and that is in my Father's time.  but i know my prayer was heard.  and i can say, there is no better feeling than that.  when you are trying, and you know that your effort is seen, it makes you feel worthwhile, validated maybe.  definitely cared for and about.  it's a good feeling.  and i'm very appreciative of it.  tomorrow or friday, i'll pay these utilities, i'll pay my phone.  i'll cut down on my expenditures from next month's income.  and i'll remain faithful, because things are going to get better. 

i thank you, Jehovah, for hearing my prayer, for loving me unconditionally, and for allowing me to know that my needs remain met by Your Grace.  i'm done. 

Fiscal Meditation

likely there should have been more done today, but there wasn't.  reality is what it is, not what it maybe should have been.  its okay though.  faith is not required for the known outcome, it is required for the strength to face the unknown despite the fear such things bring.

title, Fiscal Meditation.  because i'm considering that i may just be in over my head at this point.  i had figured that i'd be okay, most expenditures reduced, and only needing to deal with the immediate bills and gas and food.  but now i've got a bit of a clearer picture, and it shows that i'm going to need to do a damn sight better than i am.  by my calculations, half my income is already accounted for, and it hasn't even gotten here yet.  that half is gas, electric, water, internet and a loan repayment. that's going to be 500 easy.  leaving me with a little over 500.  still have a phone payment.  have my car insurance (150 together, just about), car payment (another 100) and end of life arrangement (40). rounded up, that's about $800 for bills, and actually another 100 to my dad for staying in this space.  that leaves me with under 200 for food for a month, for gas for my car, for any emergency expenditures.  and my meds are going to be about 50 for the last time i ordered.  so, what i am seeing is that i am in over my head.  no way to see it any differently. 

the meditation comes in with the thought that i can take care of some of this now, within the next couple of days that is, and though it will leave the rest of the month tight, it will definitely give me some wiggle room for November.  i don't know what i'm doing for Thanksgiving.  don't particularly care, but i do have some...other considerations, variables that may come into play.  but, again, that's the point of faith.  i don't know how things are going to work out...but i know they will.  i don't know what job is going to come through, but i know one will, and i pray it will be something that plays to my strengths.  i don't know what November is going to roll like...but it's going to roll, and i can either ride it or get run over by it.  and that's something to meditate on, trust me.

today wasn't bad. i spent time at my parent's house, with my mom, briefly with my dad. my mom made me lunch and i baked them chicken for dinner.  i had chili for dinner myself, and i got a couple of the things that i needed from the store. 

i elect to trust Jehovah, and to act in faith, because He has yet to let me down,  that's all i got today. 

it's one in the morning.  almost missed this entry.  i guess boredom can have the same outcome as busyness.  i love that word.  if spelled correctly, according to English standards, it would be b-u-s-i-n-e-s-s, but that of course means commercial endeavors.  so it keeps its Y, and it defies the logic of our rules.  Lonely becomes Loneliness, Lovely becomes  Loveliness, Hasty becomes Hastiness...but Busy becomes business.  why this digression so early?  because every rule has its exception.  that's the point.  and the more stringent the rule, the more exceptions seem to find their way to the situation.  i believe this to be a fairly universal principle.

so, today was a meditative day of a sort.  i had nothing planned, and so i succeeded.  i prayed when i woke and i ate oatmeal and two fried eggs, and i read and took medicines and i wrote lyrics and i edited a bit and worked on my outline for my new story.  i went to the food truck for lunch, and i waited for the basement people and called my dad to come over since he wanted to be here when they did their thing.  it's been raining most of the day; my bathroom downstairs is leaking from the ceiling. 

i had planned to cook and i did.  i made my sunday dinner, meat loaf and smashed potatoes and green beans.  but i also made a pot of chili and a pot of cod chowder, placed into the refrigerator for later in the week.  the chowder incorporated red cabbage and carrots, the last of my half and half and most of a can of evaporated milk.  the chili finished my last hungarian hot pepper, as well as the rest of the Italian sausage and peppers from my parent's house, from my dad's banquet.  i got a lot of things out of the fridge that needed to be used.  and i have meals for the rest of the week, for the most part;  it was meditative and fun.  and i got my celery cut up and in the freezer for Thanksgiving, so i don't have to buy more then. 

other than that, i've kept the dishes cleaned, i've talked to a couple people and i've kept it pretty casual.  i need to find work, but i know it will come when its time.  sometimes, you have to just relax and remember to tend to the things in front of you, so you can be ready when the thing you're waiting for appears. 

i don't know how the 'exception to the rule' thing fits into this, but it is still a valid point. 

tomorrow, should i be blessed with life, i'm going to my parent's house and i'm going to work on some of the same things, try to get a rhythm established again.  that's the deal, day for day, and be as productive as possible.  Thank you, Jehovah, for a great day. 

the untitled day

some days, they just sort of balance.  they're not good and they're not bad; they have their sad or melancholy moments, and they have their elements of learning or surprise.  they're untitled days, because they're the eye of the storm wherein there could be more nasty weather or there could be a complete clearing.  but either way, these are days between, and this was sort of a day like that. 

i got up easy enough, and it was a good night's sleep.  i'd done my chores for the weekend and i'd been to see my parents so it was a good enough saturday.  but sleep didn't start easy, and by the time i'd cued up the binaural beats video i was past the good sleep time that i usually like to go under.  didn't matter; i just slept in a bit today, was down until about 9 or so.  then i got up, said my prayers, lit one stick of incense, did my readings with fresh coffee and some water, and slowly got myself together for the noon meeting. 

the meeting wasn't bad, a couple of new people, but with newcomers, there's always an element of inherent sadness.  you kinda know that they're only there because there's nothing else going on at that time, and that they likely won't be back.  you don't live in that conclusion, but you've got a key, sad to say.  and i hate feeling that way, i hate being jaded in that fashion.  but i didn't get there because we impact so often and people keep staying and contributing to the well-being of the meeting.  its okay though.  you get what you get and you do the best you can with what you're given, and that's life on life's terms. 

on the ride over, my mind drifted into thoughts of Rachel, and they were thoughts of some anger, thoughts of some sadness.  i don't like them.  i don't think that matters, but its best to be truthful.  what i think about most is insane; like, i probably could have re-approached the situation if i hadn't let her phone get cut off.  but, the fact that she had a phone for the better part of a year by my actions doesn't come into play in those thoughts.  and even now, both seem both petty and ungracious.  truth is, we are where we are, and life has gone on for both of us.  that's the deal.  and whatever lies down the road begins in God's eye and ends in my experience, and that's how it should be. 

anyway, after i left the meeting, i went to Sparkles, as i wanted some dessert and i was running low on Faygo diet.  that is my decree;  anyone coming to my home should bring Faygo diet pop for the collection.  it is the only BRAND of pop that has a stunning variety of diets.  but that's just me. 

i was going to go to the meat market but they were closed, so i went to Sav-a-Lot also to get stuff as i was going to make meat loaf for dinner.  but i had a problem; i'd not eaten up to that point.  i was going to eat breakfast, but time got away from me.  and by the time i got home it was going on 3 in the afternoon. so i had a turkey-chicken-cheddar sandwich on wheat toast and the last of some sausage and pasta for lunch.  and that killed my motivation to make meat loaf and smashed potatoes for dinner.  i did make a cornmeal pancake and two scrambled eggs not long ago, but that's not sunday dinner for real. 

i'm going to try to sleep a good sleep tonight, and i have an idea for a book, i need to get an outline done so that i can get to work on it.  it's been awhile since i've done any writing.  i guess i have to motivate myself, nothing wrong with that.  just never been very good or consistent with it, but no time like now to get better, eh?  i did put in an application for the U-Haul in Warren, we'll see what comes of that. 

everyday need not be explosions and drama.  every day will not be a void of color and a silence that engulfs all experience.  the in between days are good for resetting and preparing for what comes next.  thank you, Father, for a good day. 

Existentialistic Meandering

...peace can be just as strange as grief, in its own way.  peace comes from acceptance, and acceptance can catch you completely off guard, when you know that you've essentially decided to simply let things be because your serenity is far more important than the events that would send it careening into a telephone pole.  and that's all they were trying to get across in the first place, i do believe.  i don't think it was ever some mystifying event to bring Zen to the recovering population.  i think it was always the reality that life, dabbled in too greatly, can kill you sure as shit, and that until you learn that the fire is hot you're going to keep getting burned.  at least, that is my take on it right now. 

yeah, today was a void of a day, but it wasn't bad at all.  i prayed and ate.  had a hankering for pancakes this morning, and i'd gotten sugar free syrup yesterday, but i didn't realize i had no flour.  so my improvisational skills were put to the test, and some masa flour and some leche limber that was souring in my fridge made the perfect bases for some cornmeal pancakes, with bacon and eggs on the side.  after that, i commenced to cleaning rightaway.  i got my upstairs bathroom done, got the office swept and some boxes out of the path of movement.  i went downstairs and found that my 'acquired' vacuum cleaner works, but i need bags for it.  still, i vacuumed the bedroom floor, i got the dishes washed and the surfaces cleaned in the kitchen, got the bathroom cleaned downstairs, stripped my bedding and gathered clothes and got a load done while i finished cleaning and mopped floors and once my clothes were dry i took a shower and shaved and got myself together. 

i went north to my parent's house, but they were not home.  i went to Arby's, today was their venison sandwich launch.  completely not worth it.  i am now sad that any deer gave its life for them to make that low level of sandwich.  meat craft, my ass.  anyway, i visited with my mom when she got back, put my dad's banquet food away after 'acquiring' some for myself, took a slight nap and i came back home.  i haven't done much of anything since returning home.  texted Syd, she and Joe are shopping for appliances for their new apartment, and i texted Chris.  i've not spoken to a host of regulars in quite some time again, and am not rushing to do so.  you have to ask yourself from time to time:  if you acknowledge that you could be in the wrong, not that you ARE, but acknowledge tha possibility that you COULD BE, and so you adjust your way of doing things to try to be more conscious in your actions toward others, and they STILL do the same things that you had to reason your way into checking your own side of the street for, then maybe it's time to just let go.  sometimes you have to do that.  sometimes, it really is the other person that is fucked up.  and trying to apologize for what one hasn't done is idiotic and an invitation to future abuse.  no, i have reached out to people who have left me hanging, only to be left hanging once again.  enough is too much.

so, i have no writing moving in me.  i have no singing that i want to do and i don't even have a picture to draw.  so i'm going downstairs, and i'm going to be still.  and if i am blessed with a tomorrow, i'll see what lies in the day at that time, and i'll pray and turn it over and do what i am instructed to do.  i thank God for this day, for existence and for thought. 

Cabbages and Kings

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

it's almost midnight.  i'm about to try to power into sleep.  it's been a good day, a good enough day more accurate.  it's cool.  no harsh judgment on any parts of this day.  i did the things that were before me and i'm blessed to have been able to participate to the extent that i was.

rising, i said my prayer and got coffee started.  i took meds and read and had water and coffee.  i didn't eat breakfast as i had plans to cook for my mom today.  i didn't do some things, like shower, but i did get dressed and get out of here in time for counseling.  the session was good, got political quickly, but we're living in those times.  but still, after a week's absence, it was good to be there.  after that, i went to Sav-a-lot and Aldi's and got some stuff to take to the house, and went to my mother's house and made her breakfast.  french toast and turkey sausage and grits and eggs.  she seemed to enjoy her breakfast.  i made sure her tablet was working and i watched some television while waiting for Lonnie to call.  he called and came to pick me up and we went to Jimmy's and i bought him some lunch, as it was his birthday today.  i went back to my parent's house for a bit after, but my mother was sleeping and my dad was running, getting ready for his banquet tomorrow.  so i came home.  meds were waiting for me so i got them sorted and reloaded my bag.  i ate the other half of my sandwich from lunch about 4 or 5 and i played on the computer for the rest of the night.  had half a sandwich this evening, and i'm about to shut it down.  

the time has come.  that is the point of that quote.  i have seen Rachel lately, at least her mother's car heading toward picking her mother up from Walmart.  i have processed this, not done processing either. just enough to know that the bones are knitting, the flesh is repairing itself and the spirit is growing stronger.  and i still miss her, but life is going on.  if i'm blessed with life tomorrow, i'm going to clean slowly, wash a load, get my bedding washed and put back on.  i'm going to Arbys for lunch...VENISON.  and i'm going to the store.  i'm going to work on the rest of these lyrics.  i'm going to do ME, in other words.  and i'm going to keep it moving, because that's what you do.  if you're blessed with breath, then you BREATHE.  

thank you Father.  i appreciate your love today.  

good weariness

summertime.  just before it got as bad as it was going to get.  but that was a happy day, i remember.  i'd asked Rachel to take some pics of me, some author pictures.  this is my parent's backyard.  honestly, most of the ones she took i didn't like, as she never cared for the ones that i took of her.  but everything is subjective, isn't it?  perhaps the only real difference between she and i was, i would look for the redeemable things in my pictures.  i would think, if the lighting were different, if the colors were a bit more vivid, could there be something in editing that could make this workable?  and i think that's what life is all about.  you don't always get a chance to 'edit', but you always have a chance to change the frame, alter the perspective just slightly, and it might be a whole new outlook on something that was seemingly hopeless not long ago.  always possible, is all i'm saying. 

today wasn't bad.  i wrote some earlier.  i mostly just worked on this piece.  it's called "AlieNation", and the first draft is done.  don't know exactly what i'm going to do with it yet, but i put in a day and got what i wanted from it.  spent the last of the evening remixing and adjusting levels, trying to get a better balance.  it's one of those things; i know nothing about this stuff except what i learn by putting my hands on it, fucking up some things and learning to get things right in tiny, baby-step increments.  but that's good enough.  it's how learning happens.  from how to make a sandwich to how to discern the gravitational pull of a null area in space denoting the possibility of a mass that is beyond sight.  baby-steps until competence comes. 

i'm about to go downstairs.  going to fill up my water bottle. going to watch some cartoons and go to sleep.  got counseling in the morning.  Lonnie's birthday is tomorrow and i'm going to take him to lunch.  my mom wants some time with me so i'll spend some time with her.  maybe even take my bag and do some writing along the way.  i don't know. 

that guy in that picture expected some big things this year.  he got them.  not how he expected them, which goes to show, be specific in your prayers and be careful in your expectations.  and sign nothing without reading the fine print. its cool though.  i wasn't in a house at the beginning of this year either.  change the perspective, find the true picture. 

thank you, Father, for a good day. 

better to be busy...

yeah, i missed yesterday.  i know.  i don't know how, but i'm sure it's got something to do with filling the day with doing things.  but that's no excuse; that in fact is the reason for the journal, to keep track of the Journey.  life itself, i mean.  and if i do things and don't record them, it's good in one way because it means i'm moving and thriving to whatever extent.  but again, discipline must be maintained, as i have to do this for the rest of my life. so, on with it, right?

i did my meeting yesterday, and that was okay.  a few people i truly don't like came in, but it was a chance to exercise tolerance toward others.  can't just do it when it's easy, or there's no growth.  after that, i went to my parent's house again.  that was cool also; just popped in, saw how they were and kept it moving.  i went to the store and got some things, not a long, staying conservative until i'm working again. 

i came home, had lunch, prepped dinner, think i took a nap, then i cooked and ate dinner and watched somethings on youtube.  i had some ice cream before i went to bed.  didn't get sweets from the store, as i'm working on cutting back again.

oh, and i wrote a poem called ALIEN NATION, an obvious play on words, and i've been recording it and recording to and for it.  productivity. 

yesterday i also asked people on FB to give me some subjects to write poetry.  3 people responded, well, 4 but the fourth didn't do as i asked so he got nothing yet.  needed to include that...

i got up today, about 5:30.  i'd taken gabapentin last night, as i was hurting (still am, neuropathic flare in my left foot) and i slept pretty damn good, didn't even realize it was that late in the morning, such as it was.  i turned on my coffee, said my prayer, lit incense, went to the kitchen, read scripture and meditation, took insulin and pills, had water and coffee and made myself cheese grits and eggs for breakfast.  all before 6:30.  i went upstairs after that, and i started working again on the aforementioned project, and it's come along nicely so far.  need to compress some tracks, do some background noise and mix it down.  just something to give to some people, some vibologism like we used to do.

i've no plans for the day.  going to get some lunch in a bit, going to finish working on this song, going to call my mom and check on my brother.  i don't see me leaving for long or going too far.  not today anyway.  and if it turns out i'm wrong, that's fine too.  the fact of working is what's good to me, working on poetry, writing, doing music and laying tracks, thinking of things that don't make me sad.  being at home.  being at HOME.  that's so important.  everything comes in its own time. 

a woman who i respected a long time ago said something that i've kept ever since as a benchmark.  she said, "You know you're getting better when, instead of bad memories, you have memories of bad events".  in modification, my sadness is not yet a memory of something that made me sad, but i'm not morose or broody just this moment.  i think that's progress.  i think i'm getting better.  i thank Jehovah if I am, and i thank Him if i'm not.  because I WILL.  that is all. 

slow going...

'twas a cold day today, and not much got done, but things were learned regardless, because the temperature or temperament of a day should never close one's eyes or ears to the possibility and presence of new things.  that is my opinion only.

i woke up freezing.  i don't understand when they say the low of a day is supposed to be in the 40's, but it's already ten degrees colder.  i had coffee to warm up some, took my meds and then said my prayer and read from my bible.  backwards, and apologetic about it.  i was moving pretty slow, not hurting in my back or my feet, but cautious  a good sick will make you paranoid, i have found. 

i made my bed, cut my toenails, lotioned my feet (diabetic care) and got dressed.  i had the store and my parent's house on my itinerary.  breakfast too, but that didn't happen.  just not eating very much these days.  see above paragraph.

i went to my parent's house, and my mom was in a bit of a roue.  i think that's the term i want, but i'm half sleep now and not sure.  anyway, she said she'd ruined the roast beef and gravy she'd been making for dinner yesterday so she'd just left it on the stove and was about to throw it away.  upon further questioning, she was frustrated because she was trying to figure out how to fix it and couldn't think of a way.

i made her sit and get herself some coffee.  i washed my hands and started making her a bacon egg and cheese on toast sandwich for breakfast, and doing prep work with the leftovers.  in the end, i made them a beef stew that should be very tasty. 

my mom and i talked, and i helped her get some supplies ordered for her c-pap machine also.  but the conversation and her high frustration left me exhausted.  plus, i'm not 100 percent yet. 

i decided to just come home for the day.  i stopped at the food truck and got a sandwich and fries, threw half the fries away and ate half the sandwich for lunch.  i ate the other half for dinner.  i'd started working on a musical piece yesterday so i put a bit more work into that.  i talked to Lonnie several times.

i'm now about to go to sleep, but i'll wake up way too early again.  maybe i can find a good movie to watch instead.  i've got my meeting tomorrow, and maybe lunch with Lonnie.  we'll see.

i am grateful, Father, for the ending of this day. 

putting in work

there's this guy i know, see?  he's a friend of mine, though he doesn't always feel that he is; because i don't always let him know that he is.  he was raised up with some pretty high expectations in a very toxic environment, and while he doesn't always understand, the cost of that combination for him, along with him being a pretty bright motherfucker, is that he tends to live inside the worst part of his thoughts, if that makes any sense.  the part of his thoughts where he judges himself for not being able to part McKelvey lake or at least walk from one side of it to the other.  he is hard on his lack of perfection, in other words.  and when things go wrong (as they always will), he figures somehow it meant he wasn't bright enough or wise enough, didn't know enough, couldn't do enough.  and he takes it very, very hard.  and the truth is, he's right.  what i mean is, sometimes, Einstein couldn't be smart enough, Solomon couldn't be wise enough, the Encyclopaedia Brittannica didn't know enough, and all the laborers in factories all over the globe can't do enough.  it's what most folks call 'reality', or 'life', if you will.  but he wasn't taught that as a child.  he wasn't taught that his best was okay, and that if it wasn't his fault, he could leave it alone and that was all that was needed.  and that's sad.  especially to see a friend punish himself that way.  especially when that friend just needs to be a friend to himself first and foremost. 

today was a good enough day.  i got up with my alarm, and i got showered and dressed.  even managed to make a call about my wifi going in and out.  i had coffee, meds, got my daily scripture from my old phone (recovered and putting in work also, YAY!), and i went to get this ultrasound done. 

i was tired; my body was, anyway.  convalescing is a process not to be taken lightly, and i'd do well to be respectful of that.  i got the ultrasound done, got myself out of the hospital and was on my way to my parents when i realized how fatigued i was.  but i was also feeling...creative.  had been lately.  and what i mean is not an implication that i'm feeling like commencing with novels.  but i get a piece of something, and it stays with me until i can get to writing it down.  it's nice, because it lets me know my brain is trying to push through, and i need that.  got a call from TruGreen, who passed over me for the customer service position, but that's okay.  at least they called, and they have some different positions being created that they'll be hiring for and i'm in consideration for one of those. 

so, right now, i'm composing.  nothing extravagant, but it's a work for a poem i'm going to write.  i'm in my office, and i'm working on something as well as putting this entry into the Journey.  and both are important, because these are some of the things i do because I like myself.  NOT, mind you, things that i do TO LIKE MYSELF.  but because i enjoy creating, writing, thinking and composing, because i enjoy good nights of sleep and good days of activity, because i still have an empire to try to build and a legacy to leave my children, regardless of their contact levels...because i know i'll never be perfect, and that's the best news i've had in a long, long time.  cause look how much i've been blessed to do chasing that insanity. 

it's a bit chilly up here, so i'm going to cut this short.  but i'll be back tomorrow.  God willing and the creek don't rise, as the old folks say.  the ones who live by the creek, anyway. 

i am blessed and grateful, and i thank you, Jehovah, for breath and healing. 

convalesce...

if i go back far enough, i can find the file in my memory banks where i wasn't always coming up sick or in some kind of pain.  it is hard to find that room these days, but i remember it still.  it's okay though.  honestly, i don't believe my time is very much longer in this world.  no particular reason, i suppose.  recurring discomforts that grow steadily more painful, additional nuances each time, less motivation to fight against phantoms. i want to just leave the stress and worry, just let things end.  but that's not up to me.  and i know that.  there's no suicided ending for me.  i think of it, i do.  but the truth is, i'm on almost 29 completed years of borrowed time now, and since this time doesn't belong to me (and hasn't since 1988), my job is to keep rolling.  and roll i shall.

this was not an easy day, but it was an easier day than most have been lately.  i posted the poem i wrote on FB earlier because i thought it was a nice piece, and it resonated in my heart.  i didn't eat breakfast, but i prayed.  i got my prescription for the pain meds filled, and i saw my mom.  i got my dad his rent money and left it for him in his room.  i came home and put some things away and made myself a steak sandwich for lunch.  i washed dishes and a load of clothes.  clothes are in the dryer now, they'll have to be retrieved tomorrow.  i'm tired, sure.  energy didn't last nearly as long as i'd have liked it to.  but it is better than the week before it had been and better than yesterday.  i had half a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.  still not feeling much like eating.

i have an appointment for a renal ultrasound tomorrow.  i'm going to set my alarm clock so i can get up and shower and shave and get dressed, i don't have the energy left today.  but i'm grateful, more so that i had been lately, as i can say honestly that i feel discernibly better at this moment.  now, if i don't shit in the bed, i'll consider this day a win.  thank you, Father.

interlude

THE COST

I have a lot of love in me,
But please, don't think it charity,
It cost you what I've had to pay
To learn to still love in this way;
Abandoned by some so-called friends
As well as by most of my kin,
Betrayal by the closest hearts
That truly ripped my soul apart.
Years spent sorting through all the lies,
What truth remained was compromised,
To sum up most conclusively;
Need not trust you,
But MUST trust me.
I've forgiven all, that's the price,
My peace of mind is paradise,
And while I still can be a friend,
I won't pretend; won't make amends
For broken things I did not break,
Those gestures would make me a fake,
Do whatever you need to do...
Don't toy with me, I won't play you.
For share alike, balance all things,
That's what a wiser love can bring,
Not like promises hiding lies
That only lead to alibis.
Do right by me,
And know this true:
I will keep your heart safe for you.
And that's the price paid
For my love,
No one need pay if it's above
Their price range. Strange, though,
Spend the world
For lies and pain, both boys and girls.
Well, what I've paid make me aware
My value is beyond compare,
And some aren't qualified
To share...

baby steps

everything has its own time built into it, i suppose.  a thing happens when it's supposed to, not a moment before and not a moment after.  it's an easy thing to say, a safe hedging of the bet, so to speak.  but i believe it.  i'm writing this now because i think it's time to get to work.  i'm not pain-free, and it's probable that i won't ever be again, so i have to make some decisions, and i have to take some actions.

i haven't really been praying the past few days, because i have been hurting and struggling.  i did go to my wednesday meeting, but i don't think i'm going tomorrow.  i've eaten today, half a baked potato loaded with chili and cheese, it was more than i could actually hold, but i ate it.  i have to get this prescription filled tomorrow.  i have chores to do, but that's really not imperative.  i finally had a cup of coffee, probably why i'm still conscious now.  but the main thing is, i am trying to get back to keeping track of me, and the things that are going on in my life.  so, i am grateful.  to my God, first of all.  to my friend Lonnie, who looks out for me and goes out of his way to make sure i'm okay.  to my counselor, who loves me and actually makes sure that i know it, which is a lot from a counselor (and it means so much because it is so much), i'm grateful for my mom who continues to want to help, even at times feeling that she needs to go above and beyond when the fact of having a mother who cares covers much of the needed things.  i'm grateful to a lot more people than that, but that will do for the moment.  and i'm going to try to get some sleep now.

absolute misery...

just enough to make a quick notation.  i'm burdened again, it seems, with a UTI, which has been going on for the past 4 days or so.  i am absolutely sick of this pain, so i'm trying to proactively go deeper into why it is recurring.  but as my nights are a misery of broken sleep, chills, pain in my back, night sweats and overheating and a thousand runs to the bathroom, lost past the point of my fluid intake for the day, i've not been writing here, and i apologize for that.  i will try to do better.  for now, however, i'm trying to go back to sleep.

Life In The Void

there may be more to this as time passes.  there will assuredly be more life in the void in my life, but i hope i can find an alternative to this existence, so i don't need to keep riding this.

tell you what it's like, if you can dig it.
this is like the most exciting roller coaster ride you've ever been on...but it's all underground, and you have to ride it in the dark.  all the twists and turns, all the highs, but the highs are lower than ground level.  all the thrills, but none that you can describe, because it's pitch black.  you literally have to just dig the flow and try not to throw up, and pray that this motherfucker doesn't last forever.  that's about as apt as i can put it.

sorry about yesterday, i don't know how i forgot.  guess a good day tends to overwhelm my sensibilities.

i went to my meeting yesterday, which was small and not very insightful, but i stayed sober.  i made my meals, said my prayers and did some more cleaning, and that was a good thing.

today, what can i say?  i got up early, and fell back asleep after my prayer.  i'd taken some medicine that makes me sleepy because it helps with my sore back when it's not UTI related, and the extended sleep did me some good.  i got up for good around 9, went to the kitchen and had coffee as i'd started the pot about 3 hours earlier and it was nice and hot.  i read, took meds, ate breakfast and called my mother, who didn't answer but called me back.  she seemed to be asking me to come over so i told her i'd be by in the afternoon.  i went to the second floor, put in some applications with a focus on work from home stuff, and i got dressed and headed north.  i stayed for a bit, helped my mother with her phone (no problem, just an ill-fitting case that keeps turning the cell phone completely off), and i watched a bit of a movie after an 'Adam Ruins Everything' on On Demand.  i left shortly after my sister came over, not because she came but because i was about to leave anyway.

i got home and had a grilled cheese and soup, but the problem is not me eating so much more.  the problem is the depression and the inactivity.  i'm definitely gaining weight again, and i don't like it.  but i can't get it in gear more than momentarily.  and that's not helping.  i've got hot italian sausage in the oven, going to heat up the last of my greens, and that's dinner.  i changed the living room around a bit, elusive task as i really don't have anything to work with, but we are now qualified to do the impossible with next to nothing.  so, there you go.

i miss her.  but it's been almost three months, and i'm still alive.  so life goes on, right?

the truth sucks sometimes, but it does not poison you.  i'm grateful to Jehovah for the blessing of life.

that's life in the void today.

Effort.

i once had a life, or rather, life had me...

a Funkadelic song, 'Can You Get To That?', one of my favorites.  there's a line in it i particularly like, that says: 'when you base your love on credit, and your loving days are done, checks you signed with the love and kisses later come back signed 'insufficient funds', can y'all get to that?'

i love that. clever writing.  poignant, at the moment.  yes.

so today i've been working on my home.  on the house, yes, but on my home as well.  this is not a fake missive, no growing just to shrink.  i feel like i did yesterday, but i'm working to force activity, because inertial will kill me dead as hell.  so i got up and prayed and i had breakfast after meds, though i can't remember if i read my scripture and meditation today.  but i got moving, got clothes washed and the couch cleaned and the rug cleaned and sheets and curtains from my bedroom washed and dried and put back on and up.  i made a sandwich and soup for lunch and had a burger and the last of my soup for dinner.  peach pie and ice cream for dessert.  i'm going to go to sleep soon because my back is hurting some and i'm tired, didn't nap today.  but i feel good.  tomorrow i have to get the living room uncluttered, have to clean my bathroom upstairs and downstairs and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  i am going to go to the meeting, because i told Marc i would.  and i'm going to see my parents.  full day.

i'm glad i got some stuff done, and i'm grateful.  the rug will feel better.  my sheets are clean.  i like order, and i like working on my space.  i only wish...but that's dumb.  i have to appreciate what i've got, or nothing will be added to me.  and i am grateful.  thank you, Father, for i know of my own accord i would have stayed in bed all day today.

we'll see what tomorrow brings.  i'm done for now.

gratitude and action

let me start by expressing my gratitude at this particular time.  gratitude for the presence of Jehovah God, who despite my poor attitude and my despondency continues to supply me with what i need, when i need it.  my gratitude for the people that He places in my life, who are always right on time and right on point with the thing that helps me through a bad moment or a bad month.  no one gets through this life alone, though so many pretend that they do.  i used to be a pretender, but i prefer gratitude...it tastes better in the long run.

certainly, this was a rough day.  certainly, i ride this rollercoaster in the valley of despair, so that the highs of this ride are still subterranean.  yes, i am wearied of feeling poorly, but i am not the author of this chapter.  i am just a character in this play.

when i woke, it was early again.  but oh, what a difference a day makes, as the song goes.  i didn't feel the getting up walking thing.  i thought about her all night, and i woke thinking about her too.  so i got up and started to move.  prayers for others, meditation book and scriptures.  medicines and insulin.  water and coffee.  i decided i'd get breakfast before counseling.  i went upstairs and got on the computer for a moment, then used the bathroom and shaved my face and head.  studying me, i could find no redeemable thing, but i go through that sometimes.

i came back downstairs and i took a shower.  i got dressed.  fixed a to-go cup of coffee and got out the door.  took my bag as if i were going to get some work done.  one day, it might happen.  i went to the Bell and got cheap eats and ate in the parking lot of the JCC before i went to counseling.
it was a rough session.  i feel so ashamed to be honest, because the bitterness is beginning to well up in me.  my counselor is a wonderful person.  honestly, to put up with me in this mode is not a pleasant thing, and she does not shy away from my ugly mood.  she makes reasonable the insanity, and that's a pretty firm handhold, and an appreciated one, though i don't express it as such at the time.

from counseling i went to my parent's house.  i made my mom an omelet and got her coffee ready for tomorrow.  i talked with her for a bit and i watched some television and i nodded briefly.  then i left, picked up the tickets at Stambaugh finally, and Lonnie and i went to lunch, which was a great experience.  i thanked Lonnie for his friendship; he also is one of the islands i have to cling to so often now.  but how much worse would my life be without those islands?  and therefore, should i feel burdensome or grateful?

eventually home.  stopped at the meat market, got two western ribs and two sweet potatoes, some super--sharp cheddar and a brick of Goya coffee.  i got a vacuum cleaner from my uncle Kenny.  i got my ribs in the oven with my sweet potato, i got coffee ready here to be turned on in the morning, i made sure the vacuum cleaner works (it does), i got my ribs sauced and a quarter head of red cabbage sauteed.  dinner was beautiful and filling.  i am trying to catch up with my thoughts.

lunch was such a pleasant experience that i lost track of my sadness for a moment, actually floated away in an out of body fashion on a happy wave.  the picture that i posted here is from an artist i saw two weeks ago, painting at the Deyor downtown.  nice work.  don't completely get it, but i don't have to.  tomorrow, should i be so blessed with life, i am going to steam clean the couch, vacuum the rug in here and steam clean it also.  well, i'm starting with the areas i can reach, then i'll move stuff when the floor is dry and do the other side.  i'm going to wash clothes and wash curtains and get them hung back up.  i'm going to try to be productive, so that i can keep it moving forward.  no matter how it all plays out, i know i can survive one more day,and i will one day live again.  but for now, gratitude and action.  one thing at a time.  good night.

love and insanity

 

...thing is, i don't know why i'm going through all this.  except for love, it's the only real reason there is.  but that doesn't really encapsulate all the insanity at this point, does it?  

tell you what.  i know the Tim on the inside is all out of sorts, but i don't believe i've made a mistake here.  i know that the reason i pushed away was because there was no more in the situation at that time between Rachel and myself.  i know that she'd come as far as she could.  she couldn't even see where she was going back and forth in her actions.  i couldn't just allow myself to continue to be subjected to that.  it wasn't fair to any part of me.

but now, i'm out of sorts.  i'm not checking my phone anymore, but everytime i see a black four door economy car that might be a Kia, i'm checking to see if its her.  that's nuts.  i mean, NUTS.  it's insane, and i've never done that kind of shit before.  so what's so different this time, except perhaps the depth of the involvement or the size of the want?  

today was hard.  i was up early, but i didn't go walking.  i did pray, and i went back to sleep for a bit, but not long.  i got up, did my readings and my medicines and had my breakfast, and i went back to sleep again for a bit.  i talked to Chris, and i talked to my dad, and then i was heading north to help my dad load some things into his car.  

my only other thing was taking Lonnie to Pennsylvania, he had to get a rental as his car is being recalled for a major repair.  that took the whole of the afternoon.  and afterward i came home.  i haven't been back to Struthers.  i haven't driven up the street on the south side.  i'm trying to let it go, but it is sunk into me.  i can't write a letter; i can't do it unemotionally, i guess i should say.  i need to let this go, and i can't.  

tomorrow i have counseling.  i don't know if it will help.  i don't know if anything will.  but i'm going to fight to survive until i can live again. it's my only other option, the only other preferable one anyway.

i got through another day, and i thank God for the blessing of that.  

new day, new day, new day

my thought is this:  if you end your night on a bad note, you should as soon as your heart and spirit changes make note of it, because you cannot allow yourself to linger there.

in my spirit, there is a hole, that is the truth.  Rachel filled a great portion of that hole, but the hole was not my entire spirit.  the hole wasn't even a significant portion of my spirit.  and she did not fill it completely.  not diminishing her in the least; i love her and continue to love her.  but i'd told her honestly at one point that i had learned enough that i could live without her, that she wasn't a need.  i know it hurt her to hear it, but it was the truth then, and it's the truth now.  what do i miss?  i miss her company.  i miss her touch, her presence, her conversation.  but what else do i miss?  i miss Sydney and De'Ja.  I miss having friends to call.  i miss people at my dinner table.  i miss having a body in my bed.  i miss writing.  i miss my old phone.  i miss my grandparents.  i miss the 12 step fellowships being the way they were when i got sober.  i miss the Columbus of my poetry days.

that's a big hole, but some have much bigger holes.  and Rachel did not fill all those holes.

she had holes too.  and i did the same for her, and i did not fill all of hers.  i don't know what she really wants.  and not knowing that is the answer to the question mark.  i don't know what she really wants.  and she doesn't know either.  therefore, she has to have her life.  and i have to have mine.

i got up early this morning.  for a change, i didn't struggle against it.  i said a prayer at 3 in the morning.  i pissed and turned on my coffee and i got dressed.  pants and a tee shirt and a long sleeved shirt and my high top Nikes.  i put on my vest, turned on the porch light, and went for a walk.  i walked 15 minutes, almost to Landsdown, and turned and walked back.  fifteen minutes takes me to the food truck that i frequent.  the second half is uphill and works me out.  i was tired and sweating, but i feel good.  it felt good walking in the full moon light.  (ever dance with the devil...?)  i have had my meds, i've read 1 Corinthians 13 on love, and i've read my meditation book.  and i've had my breakfast.  i'm going to go upstairs soon, i'm going to work on some writing.  not editing; WRITING.  and if that doesn't work, at least i'm moving in the direction i'm trying to go in.

i don't know if this will last, but it's here now, and i'm very, VERY grateful to Jehovah for strengthening my spirit.

limited tomorrows

i've reached a point where i'm beginning to worry about myself.

i think i'm in trouble, and this is really the only release i have, the only place where i can get this out as it sits inside me.  believe me, i wish that wasn't true.  i wish i had someone other than Lonnie that i could drop all this on, but i can't even get it out coherently, not linear anyway.  and without that, most people can't even understand what i'm trying to say.  so i'm going to try to write it out here, and hope that maybe my sleep will bring understanding that i can wake to.

today was hard to get started.  nevermind all the details that i usually list here; i couldn't get out of the bed.  i saw no reason to.  it is cold, my bedroom was cold, and the world is cold.  i lay in bed, thinking about her, thinking about what i should write.  that was my thought yesterday; i need to just write this all out in a letter, tell her what i am feeling and say good bye.  it sounds good, until it gets to the paper. how strange is that?  then it becomes masturbation, an exercise in self-flagellation, or in subtle and veiled attacks.  is that all we are?  is that all we were?

so getting started was rough as fuck.  and i had to force myself from the bed, because it was not going to happen otherwise.  and i went to my parent's house, and i could see that it is very evident because not only could my mother see that i was troubled, she actually backed away without me having to ask her to.  we talked, i visited for a bit.  but i couldn't settle in myself.  everything seems like a good bye right now.

i went to the stores, Walmart and Aldi's, and i got some things for the house.  i stopped at the food truck and got some lunch as i hadn't eaten breakfast, just didn't feel like it.  then i came home.  i unloaded bags and put stuff away, i laid down and took a nap.  first, i actually did try to write the letter, but it is something stuck in my head, because there is no vomiting this emotion out to Rachel.  it is to no avail.  if she wanted to be with me, she'd have come to me, or she would, or she will.  i will not attempt to coerce, convince or cajole.  so i threw the letter away, the few words i managed.  it is a good idea; just a bad time for it.

Lonnie came by and tried to get my keyboard hooked up, but it's really not compatible with my system.  that makes me sad, but in a way i don't even care.  i'm not working on anything and don't feel it stirring even.  he left and i had half a sandwich, a bowl of soup and some chips.  i had some peach pie and ice cream.  i cleaned the dishes, i took the trash to the can and the can to the curb.  and i'm on my bed, spinning slots on Facebook, marking time.  nowhere to go; nothing to do; no one calls, no one comes, no one to care for and no one cares.  and that's not accurate, but that's how it feels.

thing is, this depression has been with me for months now.  it is relentless, undiminished and dimensionally growing.  and...this is not even my bad season yet.  that comes next month.  i don't feel like doing anything at all.  i feel as if maybe i'm wasting time in the world.  my heart hurts, my mind is like a child with focus problems, and i long for a touch that will not come.  i feel as if my whole purpose has been compromised.  and this is not even my bad month yet.  what do i do?  how do i get out of this one?  i pray every day;  i keep it moving as best as i can.  but i am alone.  i'll go to sleep speaking to no one.  i'll wake up to the cold of this bed and the emptiness of this house, alone for another day.

i don't know.  i don't feel as if i'm grateful today.  i don't feel like i have anything to be grateful about.  and that's bullshit, i KNOW, but that's how it FEELS, is what i'm saying.

and what happens when November comes in?  i get through it, or have gotten through it, by intensifying my work and staying focused on creating, building.  but i can't create.  i can't write.  i can only miss Rachel.  it's funny.  i never even wanted her to cohabit.  i'd be alone either way.  but i'd have a tomorrow perhaps i could look forward to.  but that's illusory as well.  you can't look at the road ahead as endless if there's a wall constantly coming closer.

i'm going to try to sleep.  i'm going to my meeting tomorrow.  maybe i'll get something out of it.  but i'll only know when i get to the other side.  that's true of so many things.

alone together, alone apart

i don't know. something in the air, something's going around these days.  seems like people are fading, feeling down, blues running rampant, sickness gone wild, the whole echelon of insanity and inanities brought to bear on the modern world.  and sometimes, i feel like i have no right to this feeling that's been plaguing me continuously for the past four days, but then i know that how i feel is how i feel, just a part of the tapestry, a part of the big picture.  and i have no choice but to accept it, to pray for acceptance and keep it moving.  what else is there?

today i rode with Lonnie on his errands.  he didn't go to work because he's been sick over the weekend, an infection of e-coli apparently, and his doctor didn't get back to him until today to tell him to come in.  but first i did my morning things.  i didn't get to the gym; i'm going to be honest and say i'm not motivated because for what?  to get fit and strong enough to bear being alone?  i know, whiny bitch shit.  but that's me being honest, so i can get past it.  anyway, i prayed, i took my meds, i read my stuff, i went to my kidney doctor appointment.  the weight is creeping up, but the numbers are still good on my body chemicals. 

i went to my parent's house, made my mom coffee and a plate of ham and eggs scrambled together and a bagel.  i fixed my dad's television, got it back on the right channel so he could get cable stations anyway.  i was in communication with Lonnie at that point, and when he said he had errands to run i asked him if he could use some company.  he reluctantly said yes; not as some would hesitate because they don't want to be bothered, but because he didn't want to BE a bother.  but i assured him my motives were selfish.  i am trying to do more things because the alone-ness is weighty and dense, and sometimes i just need someone else.  asking others is not really on my agenda.  i've asked, and the responses i've received have been more along the lines of dismissals and bullshit.  but what are you going to do?

so i rode out with Lonnie, picked up a prescription, went to lunch, his doctor's appointment, downtown for some business for his dad.  i stopped at Sparkle on South Ave for soup stuff, and i saw a young lady i've not seen in a good six years, one of Robin's twins.  same age as Syd, and it was good to have someone happy to see me.  sent my greetings to her mother, but didn't really care.  i came home, gave Lonnie some juice to take his second antibiotic, started on my soup.  i had dinner, got all my stuff together for the soup (only have to wait til tomorrow and add the rice once it's cooled and won't swell anymore).  i have put in some applications, i've listened to some of my stuff.it's amazing to me, i got so much done in my Rachel period.  but i can't let that be the only way i can work, or it's over, and i have books that are waiting to be written.  i just need to remove the hooks, and i have a plan for that, but more on that tomorrow. 

TP texed me, which was unusual, asked what i was doing, and is going through her own changes with loneliness tonight.  i asked if she wanted to call or if there was something i could do.  she's crying so it's a bad night and she doesn't want me to hear or see her vulnerable.  so i will probably talk to her tomorrow.  it's loneliness that's the killer, right?

i'm grateful to God for life and for sobriety.  but i know there are things i am working on gratitude for, and i'm sorry only for not having more character to bring to bear at the moment. 

maybe-me

i can't remember where this comes from.  might actually be one of my Columbus pics, survived this long in my archives. but i'm sure it's from sometime in my more recent past, possibly on a visit to Columbus.  but it is a good depiction of what is brewing inside me right now.

quick recap on the day.  it wasn't bad, structured and executed as stated.  still need to put in some applications, but likely that's going to be in the morning.  i got up and prayed and ate the other half of my frittata from yesterday.  i read from Ephesians and a bit from Galatians, and i read my meditation book.  i took meds and insulin.  sugar was a tad high, but not alarmingly so.  i had time to kill so i got my mac & cheese and chicken in the oven, got them both finished before i went to my CA meeting.

i got there early, chaired the meeting, didn't enjoy the reading very much but that's okay; they can't all do it for you.  i came home, talked to Lonnie to make sure he was still convalescing, and i finished my dinner and waited for my brother to come.  when he got here we broke bread and talked, and he went on his way after dinner and i kept it casual.  i just finished cleaning my kitchen and now i'm thinking on things from the week.

my brother asked me how i was digging being here, and to be honest, it is taxing, though i am grateful.  i'm not with the being alone thing, not the 'living alone' thing particularly.  i did send Syd a text last night, and got back a response, which is something anyway.  but even now, the daylight fades, soon i'll be working on sleeping, and i will be in the cocoon of light that is this particular monitor, waiting for daylight to come again, alone with no one to talk to.  Seal said on his first album, "It's Loneliness that's the Killer", and i've always thought that was simple yet profound.  i think about Rachel, about if she was here.  but I'm not really ready for anyone to be here yet.  i've got a couch to clean, and i've got floors to refinish and wall paper to pull down.  i've got work to do, but that only makes the disconnect more profound.  i'm not ready for anyone to be here but i miss having people around.

when you dig a hole out of your life, and there's nothing to fill it with, it's easy to fill it with What If's and memories.  but the truth is, Rachel is where she is for a reason, and i am where i am for a reason.  i don't know why, but i know it's the truth.  meanwhile, apps to fill out, a doctor's appointment tomorrow, bills to pay in the coming days and weeks.  things to do.  and i have to stay out of my own way, have to not let myself grow desperate and despondent.  because that's when the fucked up decisions get made, and that's when the cost of being me becomes way too expensive.

i am not a mannequin.  i have feelings, emotions and preferences.  i love contact with humans.  i miss hugs, i miss kisses, but i won't die for lack of them.  i'll just be in withdrawal for a while longer.  won't be the first time, right?

thank you, Jehovah, for a safe day.