very tired

my counselor asked if she'd see a pic of myself and my graduate together.  the graduate asked me to move forward so in the picture she'd look taller than me.  so we're standing apart.  not uncommon, but requests get honored today.

i'm writing now because i'm not sure what's going on.  i feel overwhelmed, i feel as if someone has let all the air out of me and replaced it with carbon monoxide.  i feel poisoned, emotionally.  i'm not really sure why.  but i want to document this, in case something should happen.

it's been a lot of change in a very short period.  it's only been since April that I've been out of my apartment.  it's been 3 months since Syd turned 18.  i am doing things now that i have not done in better than a decade.  i'm on duty 24/7.  elderly parents are just like that.  today.  i got up and went to the store and got distilled water for my mom's c-pap.  i got some groceries so i could make breakfast.  i came home, i cooked breakfast while prepping dinner, a useless endeavor for the most part because my dad won't eat and my mom can't focus enough to watch the stuff.  i'll have to cook in between work breaks.  i swept and mopped floor, gathered and removed trash, hooked up the c-pap and designed and ordered a business card for my father.  my RETIRED father.  because that just had to be done today.  i have eaten lunch, i've been trying to look after my mother while she is in the acclimation process of the c-pap machine.  i haven't talked to Rachel or Lonnie.  i've been to counseling.  I've talked to Syd, who has made her plans with the support of unreliable people, again, and is watching them crumble.  meanwhile, i've an apartment that still needs to be cleared out and vacated, i have bills to pay, and a ticket to remember to pay.  i am running on minimal sleep, i have to put on coffee now, so i can get some waking up going to do my job for the next 9 hours.  and i feel like i'm laying underwater, and the lake is calm and beautiful, but not from the bottom of it.

my breathing has been labored.  i don't know if this is a-fib again or not, but i have to find out. my aunt, the nurse's aid, would probably know, but she's never really here anymore.  i'm just weary.  and i have to find something deeper, some reserve down in the heart of myself, to shake this off.

i am grateful.  i have been blessed.  i work, i make money, i have my family, i have today.  that's more than a lot of people.  and i thank God for that.  but i am tired, no getting around that.  just had to put that down, in case something goes south.  you never know these days.