today was a good day in a lot of ways. i am grateful, off the rip, because i was able to get up relatively pain free today. and it's been the better part of a month. in fact, just thinking about the last two months...atrial fibrillation, incredibly painful gout, new meds...it makes me wonder more and more if i actually am just flashing through my life, and am in the dimensional process of dying. but if i am, i don't know what happens next, and i'd rather just enjoy the popcorn and the show than start thinking i need to recut and re-edit this movie now. but i got up. bent my knees and prayed. read the scripture that pops up on my phone. went downstairs, heated up my mother's coffee. made breakfast for she, my father and i. worked on my new book, LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, a 'help your damn self' book i'm writing as a way of un-professionalizing the self-help printing process. and i'm writing it on my phone in Google Docs, predominantly. i fed my parents, i took a shower and sheared away the fuzz, i contacted Syd and we went shopping and found her some dresses for her graduation. i found myself coffee and tennis shoes and shaving cream and Vitamin D capsules. it's how it goes. Syd and I had lunch. it's still amazing...18 years of doing something. seeing a life born, grow and go. it's melancholy as hell. maybe i'm still traumatized by all the bullshit that was a part of us getting here, and maybe this shit with the landlord is keeping me in check emotionally so i can be wary, watchful and prepared. but i am melancholy, make no mistake.
we had lunch at O'Charleys, and i took her home and came back to the house. i had a buzz in my brain for the past two days about a commercial for ISOHYET, my last poetry collection, from a piece i'd sort of composed on the Saucillator app on my phone, and i took some basement pics and did some editing on the sound and pictures and put together an ad. it was cool, and i felt good about what i was trying to do. i was going for wistful, someone sad, somber but curious. i don't know if i hit it, but that's just about the breadth and depth of what i call the blues for me.
i ate dinner, i fed my mom. found the living room computer likely needs replacing. i speculate on my aunt preparing for her departure. not to be paranoid or self-absorbed, but i feel perhaps she is feeling displaced by me now. either than or she's getting some sex and she's falling into it heavily. but she's my aunt, and that's not my business, either way.
i've not heard from or talked to Rachel in two days. she said she's drowning, she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know how to talk about it. i told her two days ago when she was able, to tell me about it, maybe i could find a way to deal myself in. now, i'm not so sure. i feel myself wanting to create, to do more, to get back to work, to learn my job well, to excel in my position and gain another. i'm going to the gym in the morning, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel. i hate that she's going through what she is, and i keep her in my prayers. but she is withdrawing, and i can't even give her an ear if she won't give me her words.
i am grateful. i'm in my bed, about to shut it down, to get to the gym tomorrow morning. i hope Rachel is okay. i'm sure God has his hands around her. and that's better than my limited ability to do just about anything at all. Thank you, Father, for keeping me right-sized today.
No comments:
Post a Comment