so, today was good and bad. that's about the size of the summary. i don't know how much of this is just internal, because pain will fuck up your day, your year, your life. but it is not indigenous to one person, so the personalization of pain becomes a facet of human narcissism, i believe. at least, i think it's that way for me.
okay, so yesterday was a really bad day. the pain was incredible and focused. to awaken, unable to flex my foot, feeling like screaming, weary of hurting in this particular way...i did pray, but that was about it. i can't remember much else about yesterday. not the early part. but i remember going to the basement, brewing my coffee, getting my system set up. i remember reading my emails, having made a decision i was going to crush the day. i remember my first call...it was just a refund and replace. an order that had never shown up, set it for a returnless refund, then reorder the item, system does it automatically, and then make sure they're all good. i did those things. felt like the day was going to start strong...and then the bottom fell out.
next call was a consult with the logistics of the company i work for. in talking to that department, my line went dead. i tried to get back to the customer on hold, but that line was dead also. then my next call came in, and it wouldn't allow me to connect with the customer. so, i rebooted my system. soon as i was back up and my work systems were loaded, a call flew in and i couldn't answer it. clicking on my response buttons did nothing. refreshed my window. took the next call. another logistics transfer. anther dead line. another call after with an unconnecttable customer. then the anger began to set it. because this was supposed to be the day that we started staying live, rather than going into a training mode between calls. helps you make your wrap up concise. minute and a half tops between calls. but it wasn't just my system. many on my team were having issues. in fact, probably many of our agents period were having a hard time.
long story shortened, by the end of the night, i was offline, off the clock, sitting in front of a computer, waiting for the IT department to fix my shit. think it would have been nice had they actually called me to update me or something, but that's not how it works. so i was sitting. and hurting. ankle screaming. creeping pain up my calf. no meds touching it. finally, about 11, i get off the computer, shut everything down. i go to bed. i'm tired and hurting. i am pondering my future. i'm not willing to do another 13 hour day, definitely not willing to do a longer day for something that's not my fault.
sleep is rough. pain is intense.
i get up, still programmed for 430. fade in and out, and get up to go take Syd to school. let her know i'm mad about the calling her out of school texts and call from yesterday, and not happy about her having Joe come pick her up. i head home, i have a noon meeting today. hurting bad. have a breakfast sandwich my dad left in fridge for breakfast. make my mom and omelet and some rice. i call my doctor's office again. never heard back from them yesterday. they say two prescriptions have been called in. a steroid, Prednisone, i'm familiar with, and an anti-inflammatory, Indomethacin, that i also know. but the second one has not been approved by Medicare for the co-pay. i pick up the Prednisone on my way to the meeting. the meeting is small and, blessedly, short today. take a pill. i have to set up, make coffee, put out literature and books and shit. limping bad. Tradition 5 is the chapter. its over, and i head home. stop for lunch, get TB for me and Arbys for my parents. eating too much junk lately. i am pondering. sitting and hurting, one more night. and if my shit ain't working? another waste of time? i don't want to hurt. i decide to be proactive. i go to the basement and send an email. human resources, my team lead and her supe. tell them i want to know if i can do a re-start or a rehire. i can't sit in pain like this anymore. i thank them for the opportunity. i go back to talking to my mom. the steroid is kicking in, i feel sick and dizzy. i come upstairs, lay down, nodding in and out for a bit.
i got an email outlining choices. i can possibly get a seasonal medical waiver, stay out for about 6 days and return to my training. i'm doing a good job, and i've come along well. or i can end up on medical leave, which is more than 7 days, but i don't really want that. OR, i can start again, but that would be in 90 days. i ask for the process of the seasonal medical waiver, thank them again, either way, because it may not go through, and i have to contact my doctor and ask if he can do the paperwork for me.
i wrote this in pieces, because i fell asleep twice journaling. at the moment, there is less pain. i am grateful to Jehovah for teaching me that my actions need not be rash, to be responsive and to leave the big things in His care, just do what is in front of me.
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