command

it's tricky sometimes.  you know it's bigger in your head than it should be.  no one is humble 24/7, but that's the objective.  and you fail, because you don't do tricky all that well. and the failure is the most profound teacher.  the failure is the schoolyard bully, and you're the kid in the glasses.  it's not a big thing.  it's not one of those 'life ends and you're going over the cliff' big things.  it's just a realization that it was never really in your control at all, you were never truly in command of the situation, and then you get a glimpse, the barest inkling, of just how big God is, and how you really are...not.

i got up this morning early, despite knowing the length of the day.  honestly should had just gone to the gym, but i was trying to be conservative with my energy (command).  I prayed, and i read, and i got it started.  i had to take Syd to her school for graduation rehearsals, so i got up and had a breakfast sandwich and put on coffee for my mom and tea water for my aunt.  i gathered trash and took it out as i was leaving and brought the paper in and then i went to get Syd.

dropped her at LIberty, went to the store to get a bag of ice, and came back to the house.  i stopped at Taco Bell to get my mom and aunt some cheap eats for breakfast, and i kept it moving.  i didn't get into anything too serious.  Deja was coming up, Syd was having her last ceremony and i was working at 10am today, to allow me to be at the ceremony.

i got myself on the computer and checked to see if my shift change had come through.  it didn't, but i had to make some decisions on acceptance.  see, from my meltdown yesterday (that's all the meltdown i got left in me at 49 years old), i knew i had to come to terms with not being in...command...of anything or anyone.  not even myself sometimes.  but i also knew that i wasn't wrong for wanting to go to Syd's graduation, and if i put the hours in for work and they fired me, then it wasn't meant to be.  so i started on the clock at 10 this morning.  i skipped lunch.  ate sitting and testing.  Deja came in, all messed up, back in agony.  had to check on him, help him with my mom's tens unit that she ended up giving him.  i got through a lot of the training modules, but have a couple left.  should be taking Peer 2 calls tomorrow.  nothing but a thang.  it is actually much more than that, but there's nothing i can do about it.  like the likely schedule change, i can accept that it is what they're going to offer me, or i can rail against it and suffer unemployment again.  not much of a choice in the right light.

Syd's graduation was nice, but i've not been to very many of them.  not to Deja's and not to Porsha's either. not Lonnie's kids, not anyone else's children either.  i don't know.  to see the distance i have stood from everything in this life, to see how far apart i've placed myself...there is a wondering why, and no answer except the wind coughing.  but Syd is done.  18, diploma, graduated.  we've gotten through almost two decades, and the top-tier parenting is done.  now it's more about...what?  i don't know what comes next.  an apartment i'm going to have to go help void from possessions, a child who is no longer a child, and more grays and aches than ever before.

i am grateful that my whining doesn't have a voice right now outside of me, and I am grateful to my Father for making that clear.  i have no Command upon this earth.