did i say meltdown yet?

no pics.  no good feelings.  feeling really bad.  just got to get this down.  eyes leaking.  overwhelmed constantly.  have been for weeks.

i don't know if faith is what i have anymore.  seems to be a self-indulgent sort of apathy.  i am filled with myself, and it is a very sour filling.

i was working today, making mistakes, just trying to get through the calls.  trying to.  so much on my mind, on my heart.  yesterday was good, but my stats were awful.  was trying to bring it up to speed.  got a long text from Syd, who actually was trying to get the apartment cleaned out, but 11:59pm fashion as i'd figured.  landlord had come, lowlevel bullying her, trying to intimidate her, saying she had to be out by midnight, that there'd be a cleaning fee, blah blah.  i'm on a call reading this.  i shouldn't have been, but it's been on the perimeter of my reality every day.  every day.  and i rush out of the call and i jump off the computer.  not even 2 hours in.  and i go around the corner and the landlord is not there and the apartment is a mess.  and it all lands.  eyes still leaking.  it's all fucked up.  everything.  timing.  life.  everything.
i can't do all this.
i can't take care of my parents and get rest and do the things that need to be done in the house and work undisturbed and worry about Syd.  i can't do all that.  i try.  i am not looking for a reward.  it was nice to actually make payment arrangements on back bills.  but i don't have it in me.  i am worried sick about Syd, but what can i do?  the worry is human, so what it the monumental effort to have acceptance of her right to do what she chooses?  they can't both be human.  my parents need a lot.  both of them, though they don't both know it.  they both want the help that they want.  they both need the help that they don't necessarily want to acknowledge they need.  i cook, i tidy, i take trash out, i get newspapers and mail, i take cans to the curb.  i've stopped trying to arrange driving support for my dad, but everytime he leaves and comes back i worry he's hit something.  my mom is doing better on her c-pap, but she's so unfocused still.  she's trying to show a resilient face, and i don't discourage it.  she worries about me.  i probably need worrying about.

i am on, all the time now.  i wake to do things.  i sleep sporadically.  i take calls and i try to remember things that are black holes in my brain.  procedures on how to handle certain crises.  i mess up a lot.  i'm slow.  i try for accuracy rather than speed and i fail at both.  this is how i am feeling right about now.

a siren just went past my parent's house.  my heart jumps, fearing some new fuckery.

i'm tired.  inside my brain.  i've not had any intimacy in months.  i'm not writing.  i'm not working on selling books.  i'm not doing anything except serving people.  and i'm weary, in the inside of my brain.

i don't know what i'm going to do.

i'm in the attic.  i should never have read the text.  but the text didn't make me feel like i just wanted to sleep and not get on the phones at all.
something is wrong with me.
pretty sure something is fucked up.

but i don't know what i'm going to do right now.  sent a resignation letter.  they would have fired me.  job abandonment.  fired people for it myself.  pre-emptive.  now i have to start the search again.
i wish i could stop feeling everything.  went to my uncle's house, though.  he's got a wine rack, didn't even know he drank.  looked at a bottle, cinnamon hot wine.  didn't think about drinking.  programming is strong.  but i'm thinking about checking out.  wonder why i'm wired so badly?

i'm not going to check out.  i'm just going to think.

i don't believe i'm grateful right now.  i wish i were, but i don't feel grateful at the moment.

productive and intrigued

this was a pretty good day, but the anxiety remains upon me.  my own fault, i suppose.

it's almost 1230.  i am tired, but i am thinking about tomorrow.  Syd is in the process of finishing up what she can.  the landlord called today, but i was at work and did not answer.  i called him back, not twenty minutes later, to get no answer.  this is the kind of thing that keeps me on the edge of anger.  but i'm staying focused.

i got up today, running late and not realizing it.  lazing, i suppose.  in the middle of my prayer i realized i'd forgotten my podiatrist appointment and i jumped up and dressed to leave as i was praying.  finished the prayer at the doctor's office.  i was way early, but i got seen earlier too, and i went to my cardiologist after that to get more samples and sign up for prescription assistance.  i then went back to my parent's house.

i didn't even try to do much today.  i refilled the reservoir on my mom's c-pap, had a cup of coffee and some breakfast, took out trash from yesterday and got the newspaper.  i rested after a bit, falling asleep again.  i missed a call from Rachel and she missed a call from me and we talked right before i started work.

i had sent my team lead out an email, and she responded that it was correct as far as me not contacting IT directly, but i told her i just didn't want her getting in any shit because of me.  my phones seemed to be working, so i just ran calls all day.  a veritable smorgasbord of people and issues.  i know i messed up several, but i didn't stop and i didn't feel out of my element until the landlord call came.  and that was about the time i was on lunch, so i just rolled on through and got to the other side.  several very long calls, but they ate up the last minutes as well.

i had a chicken sandwich from Wendy's for lunch, leftovers for dinner.  i bagged up the rest of the chicken and ribs and put them in the deep freezer.  i am going to try to walk in the morning.  not really thinking about the gym, as i don't believe i'm going to try to do the gym, and the meeting, and be up for work.  that's a bit much right about now.  but i will do what Jehovah places in front of me to do, and i am grateful to be favored with learning and growth at this stage of my life.

forgot to do this last night

i forgot to do this last night.
i'm just getting up.  my mind starts long before my body does, it seems.  i am sleeping later also.  i'm not really happy with that development.

i had a good enough day yesterday, but i am still not centered as i should be.  i got up and said my prayers and read.  i left to hit the store, bought ink i'd promised my aunt i'd replace for the printer and contractor bags.  my plan was to help Syd clear out the apartment, no matter what.  but when i told her the plan, i just kept getting these objections, and i really didn't have the energy to force myself into the situation.  i don't know.  it doesn't seem like a good decision, to not do it, but it is the decision i made.  Lonnie had offered to help, but i told him thank you and i'd stand down.
i was irritable after that.  i got upset with my brother, who came by and loaded plates and kept it moving.  Rachel finally reached me, and i did go over to see her for a brief period.  i apologized to my brother, though he didn't know i was upset, because i knew i didn't need a resentment poisoning my thoughts, and because the truth is, i just miss the time we used to spend in meals at the apartment.  can't do that here, because we default to 'the kids' in the house of our parents.

dinner was cool, i thought of taking Rachel a plate, but i did not.  Mom's doing well with her c-pap, Dad's running as usual, and my fingers survived the grill.  i watched television, ate a bunch of food and went to bed.  i'm going to get up now.  i have to make sure my system is going to work.  i have to email my team lead and let her know what happened with the saturday tech call, so she's not caught off-guard.  have to get ready for work.

i thank my Heavenly Father for the provisions of life today, and for love that is evident in the actions of the people around me.

...I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS

....no, really, i do.  my grill attacked me today.  it was a horrific, wonderful experience, and i can only say that it was truly epic in its dynamic.  i lost the battle, but i believe i won the culinary war.  and that's what's important, i think.

so, i didn't do much today.  i did pray, but i didn't read.  i did get my ass moving, but not with a great deal of deliberation.  not until this very moment.  i had breakfast, took a shower, washed a load of clothes, went to my meeting, had lunch at Lonnie's with his family.  i made my potato salad, pasta salad done yesterday, i'm about to make my cabbage and my broccoli casserole for tomorrow, and i'll do my apple casserole tomorrow morning.  i have spoken to Syd, and have plans (if nothing is on the curb in the a.m.) to go by with Lonnie and get stuff out of the house.  down to the last few days of occupancy.  and while i could just leave it alone, it will be trouble for me if its not cleared out, trouble that i don't feel like investing time into right now.

i guess i feel pretty good.  i'm about to try to reach out to the IT department at my job and see if they can give me some further suggestions on how to fix my problem.  i'll let them know what has been happening, see what suggestions they make and work to implement them while i'm off the clock so i can get to work on tuesday and take calls with assurance.  i am okay doing this.  i'm tired, but it's not a bad tired.  ate too much today, did more than a day off calls for, but it's what my life is now.  i'm grateful that i can, when there are so many who can't.

having dinner with Lonnie's family, i see his dad who was there to dine with them for a long weekend,and he kept speaking on the benefit of dying while you're young.  so, i'm not in that place, and even if this is all just a flash in slow time of my life before i die, it's not me wishing i'd died decades ago.  perspective helps a lot.

...and then, it changes...

no getting around the strangeness of the human organism.  one of the reasons you have to find something bigger than yourself, because none of this shit makes sense two days in a row.  what is an explosion on monday is probably just a rip in an old pair of pants by tuesday night.  and if you're not tied into something bigger than yourself, you get lost in details that are governed by planned obsolescence.  that's my experience, anyway.

i'll be starting work soon.  not enough sleep again, but this time, who really cares?  i am taking calls, the day will pass, i will learn some things and make some mistakes and then it's the weekend.  i got up and prayed on my knees.  i read my meditation books.  i went to get stuff for monday from the store and i went to breakfast with Syd.  i talked to Rachel, she's been super busy.  i heard from DeJa, he got home safe.  i planned my menu for monday.  my mom slept the night through with her c-pap.  i have nothing worth complaining about today.  yet, it's not much different of a day than yesterday.  perspective is an incredible thing.

my foot hurts, but i can't do anything about that right now.  i have a stack of small rugs on the floor under my desk, keeps the cold of the basement floor from seeping into my foot.  i don't know why the rugs help, but they do.

i am grateful to have a job to begin in an hour.  i'm grateful that i could have a breakfast with Syd.  i'm grateful that my mom seems more focused today.  likely just wishful thinking, but i'm grateful to think wishfully.  thank you, Father.

very tired

my counselor asked if she'd see a pic of myself and my graduate together.  the graduate asked me to move forward so in the picture she'd look taller than me.  so we're standing apart.  not uncommon, but requests get honored today.

i'm writing now because i'm not sure what's going on.  i feel overwhelmed, i feel as if someone has let all the air out of me and replaced it with carbon monoxide.  i feel poisoned, emotionally.  i'm not really sure why.  but i want to document this, in case something should happen.

it's been a lot of change in a very short period.  it's only been since April that I've been out of my apartment.  it's been 3 months since Syd turned 18.  i am doing things now that i have not done in better than a decade.  i'm on duty 24/7.  elderly parents are just like that.  today.  i got up and went to the store and got distilled water for my mom's c-pap.  i got some groceries so i could make breakfast.  i came home, i cooked breakfast while prepping dinner, a useless endeavor for the most part because my dad won't eat and my mom can't focus enough to watch the stuff.  i'll have to cook in between work breaks.  i swept and mopped floor, gathered and removed trash, hooked up the c-pap and designed and ordered a business card for my father.  my RETIRED father.  because that just had to be done today.  i have eaten lunch, i've been trying to look after my mother while she is in the acclimation process of the c-pap machine.  i haven't talked to Rachel or Lonnie.  i've been to counseling.  I've talked to Syd, who has made her plans with the support of unreliable people, again, and is watching them crumble.  meanwhile, i've an apartment that still needs to be cleared out and vacated, i have bills to pay, and a ticket to remember to pay.  i am running on minimal sleep, i have to put on coffee now, so i can get some waking up going to do my job for the next 9 hours.  and i feel like i'm laying underwater, and the lake is calm and beautiful, but not from the bottom of it.

my breathing has been labored.  i don't know if this is a-fib again or not, but i have to find out. my aunt, the nurse's aid, would probably know, but she's never really here anymore.  i'm just weary.  and i have to find something deeper, some reserve down in the heart of myself, to shake this off.

i am grateful.  i have been blessed.  i work, i make money, i have my family, i have today.  that's more than a lot of people.  and i thank God for that.  but i am tired, no getting around that.  just had to put that down, in case something goes south.  you never know these days.

command

it's tricky sometimes.  you know it's bigger in your head than it should be.  no one is humble 24/7, but that's the objective.  and you fail, because you don't do tricky all that well. and the failure is the most profound teacher.  the failure is the schoolyard bully, and you're the kid in the glasses.  it's not a big thing.  it's not one of those 'life ends and you're going over the cliff' big things.  it's just a realization that it was never really in your control at all, you were never truly in command of the situation, and then you get a glimpse, the barest inkling, of just how big God is, and how you really are...not.

i got up this morning early, despite knowing the length of the day.  honestly should had just gone to the gym, but i was trying to be conservative with my energy (command).  I prayed, and i read, and i got it started.  i had to take Syd to her school for graduation rehearsals, so i got up and had a breakfast sandwich and put on coffee for my mom and tea water for my aunt.  i gathered trash and took it out as i was leaving and brought the paper in and then i went to get Syd.

dropped her at LIberty, went to the store to get a bag of ice, and came back to the house.  i stopped at Taco Bell to get my mom and aunt some cheap eats for breakfast, and i kept it moving.  i didn't get into anything too serious.  Deja was coming up, Syd was having her last ceremony and i was working at 10am today, to allow me to be at the ceremony.

i got myself on the computer and checked to see if my shift change had come through.  it didn't, but i had to make some decisions on acceptance.  see, from my meltdown yesterday (that's all the meltdown i got left in me at 49 years old), i knew i had to come to terms with not being in...command...of anything or anyone.  not even myself sometimes.  but i also knew that i wasn't wrong for wanting to go to Syd's graduation, and if i put the hours in for work and they fired me, then it wasn't meant to be.  so i started on the clock at 10 this morning.  i skipped lunch.  ate sitting and testing.  Deja came in, all messed up, back in agony.  had to check on him, help him with my mom's tens unit that she ended up giving him.  i got through a lot of the training modules, but have a couple left.  should be taking Peer 2 calls tomorrow.  nothing but a thang.  it is actually much more than that, but there's nothing i can do about it.  like the likely schedule change, i can accept that it is what they're going to offer me, or i can rail against it and suffer unemployment again.  not much of a choice in the right light.

Syd's graduation was nice, but i've not been to very many of them.  not to Deja's and not to Porsha's either. not Lonnie's kids, not anyone else's children either.  i don't know.  to see the distance i have stood from everything in this life, to see how far apart i've placed myself...there is a wondering why, and no answer except the wind coughing.  but Syd is done.  18, diploma, graduated.  we've gotten through almost two decades, and the top-tier parenting is done.  now it's more about...what?  i don't know what comes next.  an apartment i'm going to have to go help void from possessions, a child who is no longer a child, and more grays and aches than ever before.

i am grateful that my whining doesn't have a voice right now outside of me, and I am grateful to my Father for making that clear.  i have no Command upon this earth.

the focus...

I realize i missed logging yesterday.  I also realize i've missed my mark for awhile now.  it's okay.  the discipline of trying to enter something, even if it hasn't dug very deep, has been worthwhile.  it will help in the long run, however long that run is.  but what is important now is to see it for what it is.  to see it clearly.  to focus.

my daughter and my father.  both ends of my spectrum.  could be my son, Deja, and my mother.  could be my brothers and sisters.  those around me.  those who are the shelf upon which i sit, waiting to be read.  my support.  its so easy to lose focus of them, their importance, their impact.

i had a bad day yesterday, based on a very poor attitude.  i got up okay, got myself moving just fine.  prayer and scripture and meditation.  got breakfast ready for the family, got to my meeting, got lunch, talked to Rachel, Lonnie.  the usual stuff.  the stuff my days are now comprised of.  routine, it is deceptively dangerous sometimes.

the bad part was at work.  it showed me how much more i still have to travel, how many calibrations still must be made and met.

i found two days ago that i have to bid on a new shift.  while i have greater acceptance of that today, i still find it a bit unprofessional.  i was off for four days, medically excused.  so it's my fault i didn't know about it sooner than i did.  they're rolling out some new employment focus, and everyone is being forced to adjust to it.  now, the 3pm to midnight is rough, but i've mostly adjusted.  not at the gym today, because i'm working something from the back end, more on that later.  but its been hard.  and i have been accommodating it and trying to get all this stuff done.  adjusting gets harder as you get older.  a truth you learn.  so, when i hired in, there was limited flexibility.  some days, you just had to work whether you wanted to or not, if you wanted the job.  and they said the schedule you picked for training was the schedule you would have, period.  it would be your training schedule, your work schedule.  and i was okay with having to adjust to that.  now, i likely won't have it anymore.  i may even end up being in a 10 hour day, four days a week situation.  and i don't want that.  because 10 hours means 13 hours, actually.  two lunch breaks, an hour each.  4 fifteen minute breaks.  it sounds better, but what it eats up is time.  and time is a commodity now.  time is time not spent writing, not spent caring for my parents.  time is time not being able to see Rachel, not having time to cook, to relax honestly.  and those things are going to come under consideration.  but.  BUT.  But i am blessed to have this job, to be able to work, to get started in earnest paying my stuff down.  i am going to pray on this, and i'm going to work on being more accepting.

in addition, the time off work with the gout flare-up has put me behind.  it's not as bad as i make it out to be.  i tried to take on the issues that came on the phones, whether i was actually trained for them or not.  only way to learn is to do, make mistakes, accept correction and eventually do it the right way.  now?  i am struggling with new information.  but i struggled with new information since my first day in training.  it's going to be fine.  i'm going to get caught up.  i'm going to get moving again. Z-Phyles is the priority.  this is just temporary, until i have a better foundation under me.  unless Jehovah says different.

i put in for a schedule change for today.  instead of 3p to midnight, i asked for 10a to 7p.  if granted, i'll work through lunch, clock out at 6p and make it to Syd's graduation.  i really want to see her cross the stage.  if i don't, i'll be here, doing what i'm supposed to do.  life goes on, with me, without me.  i am grateful to be a part of so much at this time.  from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Thank you, Jehovah, for showing me that things are taken care of.

Melancholia...

so, this is it. The beginning of the new chapter, the end of a long narrative. Why complain? It's been a ride, to be sure, but it's done now. My child's not a child anymore. School is done. Life will go on. What is the right thing to feel?

No such animal, I'm afraid.

First day back on the job. Prayed and meditated this morning. Gym was good, weights. Good to get back. Mom still seems vague, unfocused. Goes for her C-pap tomorrow. Hope it helps. Made us breakfast. Prepped dinner. Too much thyme on the salmon, but it was okay. Rested as much as I could. Off-center. Had lunch, talked to my aunt, who's still sort of not here anymore. Syd came over before 2, got pucs I need to edit. Tired. But i'm not in pain, and back in the training modules. And I'm grateful to God I still have my job. Change is not an option. Maybe I didn't do so bad after all...

Sad Teddy

this is my favorite picture i took for the ISOHYET video.  it's a little teddy bear, lost behind a cup.  i love it, as he looks like a lonely and lost child, that someone passing by in a car maybe just glanced at and got an imprint of before going on...but will be haunted by that night before sleep.

this was a good day.  it felt like something better is starting to gel inside of me, and i'm not going to complain about that.  it's almost 930, i'm about to put it down for the night, and i'm going to try for some consistency with my actions tomorrow.

first off, i got up before my alarm.  been awhile, but it can still happen, apparently.  i said my prayers, read my scriptures and meditations.  i went down the stairs after i put on my gym clothes, had coffee and water and went to the gym.  Yay!  well, almost yay.

when i got to the gym, the doors were closed and the lights were out and there were people waiting in the front for the woman who opens to get there.  i sat for a minute, then said 'the hell with it' and i left.  went to the bank to get my dad some money.  came back to the house, parked my car and went for a walk.  walked from this street to Mansell, around to Belmont and back to the house.  not an especially long walk, but it's been weeks, and it was a start, and it would have been oh, so easy to just say 'fuck it', and go back inside and sleep.

after my walk, i got the newspaper, brought it in, went to get more coffee, took insulin and meds, came up the stairs to heat my mother's coffee and i did some writing on my book.  i made myself an omelet and a piece of toast, watched some television and did some more writing.  i didn't try to schedule in a bunch of stuff for today, because there was no point to it.  tomorrow i resume work, and i need to be fresh and clear for that.  i went to the store to get some lunch augmenters, i got my parents some sandwiches from LJS and came home.  i had my lunch, doctored their sandwiches until they had some real personality, and i changed the showerhead in my mother's bathroom.  i talked to Lonnie, talked to Rachel finally, texted with Syd briefly.  i watched some television with my mom, who thought all day that this was Memorial day and shook me up rather badly when she couldn't recall exactly how many seasons there are in a year.  i wonder sometimes if this is all that is awaiting me, and then i realize if it is, then so be it.  i'm working to put down what i can while i can, and if the time comes when i find myself unable to, i will still seek God's guidance to get me through, just like i do now.

i made my mom a plate from yesterday's meal for her dinner and had two steak tacos fresh from home ingredients.  i talked to Keith in Columbus and asked him to let Syd's first daycare person and surrogate mom Ronda know that Syd is graduating this year.

through the day, i've had twinges of pain in my left foot, especially the instep, and i believe the gout has not receded completely, and perhaps it won't.  but i have not used my cane and i'm okay right now.  i have to arrange hours so i can go to Syd's Thursday ceremony at Stambaugh, i imagine.  if i'm able to.  if not, i can only say that life is changing for me, as expected, and i am going to be the best person that i can be with the resources i have at my disposal.  if i'm able to get there, i will be happy.  if not, i'll be working.  six of one...

i am blessed.  i feel stronger.  i fell more centered.  i want to get back on the phones and get better at taking calls and resolving customer issues.  and i believe i'm capable of that.  i thank Jehovah God for getting me through this rough patch, as He always has, and for preparing the road ahead of me, should I awaken tomorrow.  good night, sad teddy.

...back in stride again...?

...man, i hope so.  i have to get my shit rolling again soon, or i'm going to find myself on the bad end of a broken vision.  and i've had so many of those in my life.

today was a good day in a lot of ways.  i am grateful, off the rip, because i was able to get up relatively pain free today.  and it's been the better part of a month.  in fact, just thinking about the last two months...atrial fibrillation, incredibly painful gout, new meds...it makes me wonder more and more if i actually am just flashing through my life, and am in the dimensional process of dying.  but if i am, i don't know what happens next, and i'd rather just enjoy the popcorn and the show than start thinking i need to recut and re-edit this movie now.  but i got up.  bent my knees and prayed.  read the scripture that pops up on my phone.  went downstairs, heated up my mother's coffee.  made breakfast for she, my father and i.  worked on my new book, LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, a 'help your damn self' book i'm writing as a way of un-professionalizing the self-help printing process.  and i'm writing it on my phone in Google Docs, predominantly.  i fed my parents, i took a shower and sheared away the fuzz, i contacted Syd and we went shopping and found her some dresses for her graduation.  i found myself coffee and tennis shoes and shaving cream and Vitamin D capsules.  it's how it goes.  Syd and I had lunch.  it's still amazing...18 years of doing something.  seeing a life born, grow and go.  it's melancholy as hell.  maybe i'm still traumatized by all the bullshit that was a part of us getting here, and maybe this shit with the landlord is keeping me in check emotionally so i can be wary, watchful and prepared.  but i am melancholy, make no mistake.
we had lunch at O'Charleys, and i took her home and came back to the house.  i had a buzz in my brain for the past two days about a commercial for ISOHYET, my last poetry collection, from a piece i'd sort of composed on the Saucillator app on my phone, and i took some basement pics and did some editing on the sound and pictures and put together an ad.  it was cool, and i felt good about what i was trying to do.  i was going for wistful, someone sad, somber but curious.  i don't know if i hit it, but that's just about the breadth and depth of what i call the blues for me.
i ate dinner, i fed my mom.  found the living room computer likely needs replacing.  i speculate on my aunt preparing for her departure.  not to be paranoid or self-absorbed, but i feel perhaps she is feeling displaced by me now.  either than or she's getting some sex and she's falling into it heavily.  but she's my aunt, and that's not my business, either way.
i've not heard from or talked to Rachel in two days.  she said she's drowning, she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know how to talk about it.  i told her two days ago when she was able, to tell me about it, maybe i could find a way to deal myself in.  now, i'm not so sure.  i feel myself wanting to create, to do more, to get back to work, to learn my job well, to excel in my position and gain another.  i'm going to the gym in the morning, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.  i hate that she's going through what she is, and i keep her in my prayers.  but she is withdrawing, and i can't even give her an ear if she won't give me her words.
i am grateful.  i'm in my bed, about to shut it down, to get to the gym tomorrow morning.  i hope Rachel is okay.  i'm sure God has his hands around her.  and that's better than my limited ability to do just about anything at all.  Thank you, Father, for keeping me right-sized today.

not much today...

some realizations, some concerns, but nothing much to add to yesterday's entries.  i'm ready to get back on the phones, but i'm taking my time.  tomorrow i take Syd to get her dress and things for graduation.  today i got up with prayer and meditation books, and i got breakfast fixed for my parents and my dwelling space straight a bit.  did a load of clothes.  tomorrow i'm going to work on some order to the basement, get my workspace a bit more efficient, see if there's any real feng shui to be had in the things i can find.

the concern that i have today is serious though.  i took my meds and insulin early, but realized later in the day that i'd forgotten my steroid.  the realization came when i felt the pain returning to my foot.  i took it early enough after realizing it, but it made me question whether any of this is really gout relief, or is it just symptom masking?  and if the latter, what happens when i don't have the prednisone?  i don't want to become dependent upon something either.  on the other hand, i'm almost 50 years old.  safe bet, i'm going to be dependent on something or other before too much longer anyway.  hell, i'm already dependent on insulin, aren't i?

i made dinner that will go for  tomorrow.  i am not going to my meeting, as i'm taking Syd in the early afternoon or late morning-ish.  i feel a lot better, i need some socks, some shaving gel and some attention that probably is not going to come for a while.  so no point crying about what i don't have.  what i've got is a roof, a window, a breeze and a day coming to an end  i've got food in my belly and clothes on my ass.  i've got some change in the bank and in my pocket.  my parents and my children seem to be okay.  if its supposed to be better than this, i don't need to know.  thank you, Jehovah, for a pretty cool day.

GHOSTS, MY CHILD and I

where time has gone,

and who's to say

that all these good byes

haven't taken a toll

on me,

at least a little.

it's not what i expected.

they vent and simmer,

sullen rages

at the end,

knowing full well

they've already taken

the lion's share,

but one cannot serve

both God

and money.

downtown,

we are both ghosts,

my child and i,

she in her

oxygen helmet,

me in my splints

and Ace bandages,

our hands wrapped

similar,

we were bound

in the pain of

breathing and being.

so many good byes...

and should i weep?

bridges burned

from both sides,

no arson squad

to assess blame,

no need to cross

this stream again,

destiny always lay

ahead.

i don't know now

who i'll

become...

will love solidity

and grow?

will i find solace

in the words

of the next poem,

the next book?

will i fold up

and fly away,

reincarnation

before i succumb

to final breath,

a spoor born

on a child's breath,

blowing dandelion seeds,

each hoping to

become the Santa of

imagination?

i only know

it's been so long,

and even if

it's not quite over,

gratitude has

built this house,

and i will dwell there

with my memories

and time

until both

fade

for good.

a serious moment

sometimes, things don't go right or wrong.  they just go.  and as they go, emotions come into play, like it or not.  because we are emotional beings, and we feel our way through things before they make sense to us, male or female.  the gender specification is a fabrication of testosterone and money, that's all.  and if you don't feel the process that is happening to you, you are sort of sociopathic bordering on psychopathic, depending on the severity of the disconnect.

it would be easier to believe i'm one or the other, but i'm just sort of sad right now.

the day wasn't bad, and it wasn't good.  i woke up, a blessing.  i bent my knees to pray, another blessing.  i got Syd to her bus stop for her last day of school.  her last day of school ever, as far as K-12 goes.  and that's where it begins for me today.

i have some tears in my eyes right now, finally.  no tears when i'm doing what needs to be done, no tears before those who are engineering their own sociopathy.  but now, i feel it.  i feel that day, February 18, 1999.  Syd's mom in distress, about to deliver.  Her mom's mom there for backup.  going to Grant hospital downtown.  I had my uncle's camcorder, i wanted to record the birth.  but there was no recording.  Syd was cut from her mother's stomach, they don't let you record that shit, or at least they didn't let me record it.  lot of blood.  television makes it all look so clean...Chris had gestational diabetes, so Syd was born with high sugar, with high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat.  right into special care.  my thought was, she's not going to make it.  i don't know why that was my first thought.  Chris and I were through, just going through the motions.  i figured maybe this was the point where it all ended for me.  i know this is a narcissistic reiteration, but i have no other perspective to tell it from.  i sat in front of the city library with my friend, Delia, smoking.  i told her what was in my real heart...that if Sydney died, i didn't want to stay sober and might not want to live.  live for what?  Rabid humans had preyed on my relationship beneath a rainbow banner, tearing up any foundation before we could get it laid.  truthfully, it wasn't being put in all that well anyway; insecurity and distrust, and began under the premise of band-aids for bullet wounds.  nothing is going to work very well when you start with shitty blueprints.

but Syd lived, and i stayed alive.  I was the first to hold my daughter.  she held my finger.  i know they say babies can't see shit when they're fresh from the womb, but i know we connected.  i knew then that we were in this ride til the end.  Chris was wheeled into the special care, but there was a baby in distress and they wheeled her right back out.  i was there holding Syd, feeding her from her first bottle.

a year in.  work and daycare, arguments and two older, miserable children.  a year in, and Chris and I separated.  I prayed to Jehovah, 'your will be done'.  i told Chris, if she wanted Syd, I would pay whatever was necessary, i wouldn't fight, i felt she would do well to raise at least one child from birth.  Chris decided to take DeJa and move, and I could keep Syd.  it was the answer to my prayer, but some prayers come with heavy answers.  the responsibility for a baby was too much for her at that point, i believe.  she was partying quite a bit, adjusting to her new 'life'style.  i ended up with DeJa as well, finished the task begun of showing him that a male friend who steered him in better directions didn't need to be 'daddy'.  Daddy was a title to be earned; friendship was his right in this world.  we became good friends.  he helped raise his sister, as best as a growing boy could.

Syd in the interim of DeJa's return learned to grieve.  if you want to see something break your heart over and over, watch a child wander from room to room, wondering where its family is.  it's sad when you watch a pet grieving a lost owner.  it's tragic when you watch a child trying to fathom a family gone.  Syd has not yet recovered from that, but she may yet.  we moved from a townhouse with 3 bedrooms, a bath and a half, full basement, patio and drive off the alley to a three bedroom one floor apartment.  Syd was right across the hall from me, so she could at least have that comfort.  then DeJa came back, and we were a family again.  it was hard times, but we learned and we grew.  and then the fiasco at Menendians, losing that job, being unable to get another decent job, and having the depression of never having a moment to hit a reset button finally land with both feet on me.

i thought of suicide constantly again.  i was studying with Jehovah's Witnesses across the street from me, but it did no good.  i had children i couldn't feed, bills i couldn't pay and a life that was a series of failures.  my thought?  force the kids on their mother and pull the plug.

instead, i ended up back here, youngstown, ohio.  the adventure here has been more one of discovering who i want to be than growing.  i got Syd into school, and while her initial hopes were bright, she gave up on the idea of having anything of her own early on.  she stopped smiling, stopped being accessible.  she wanted her family back; she wanted to be wanted.  and i couldn't make her wanted by the person that she wanted that from.  i'd say needed, but time has proved otherwise.  the slide was continuous though.  i'd found work at West communications, and for almost two years, i did a good job.  then the years of neglect and poor health culminated in a bout of congestive heart failure, and i was on my ass.  they fired me while i lay in the hospital, thinking i might be dying, and for a change, not wanting to.  i ended up on disability.  we moved to an apartment because Syd and my mom were driving me crazy.  Syd went from a good student to barely doing any work.  anything she thought would get her sent to her mother.  never understanding that i had never kept her from her mother, because understanding that brought about an even harder, harsher reality.  counseling, Belmont Pines, police, drugs, cigarette smoking, gender and identity issues, cutting, opening herself up to find that life was not a toy, not a prize wheel, but a dealing with and doing what you can.  we lived, we got by.  the landlord changed, we got by.  changed again, we got by.

at the end of this road, she has finished.  today was the last day of school.  we are not living together, but it's not as bad as all that.  but it is sad.  in my mind, this would have been a day for a cake, a candle, a wish of spirit.  instead, its her wherever she is, and me in this basement, writing our story from my perspective.

you hold the reins.  life is a horse that cannot be broken.  it cannot be subdued.  not by human means.  so you ride, until you can ride no more.  it doesn't depend on skill, it doesn't depend on experience, because from the outset no one has any more or any less experience than anyone else.  you get some asshole like Trump, but he is an orchestrated asshole, never taught any better and thinking that money is the experience to ride the horse.  but his time has the same limitations as anyone else's.  you take some pretty good guy, like MLK jr, whose time seemed to be cut short, but who filled his ride with all the things worthwhile that he could, in a cause that was head and shoulders above a would-be tyrant and an inept president.  and you take someone with no fame, no fortune, no riches, no excess, who lives surrounded by love and family and has 10 decades on the earth of pretty decent health and smiles by the truckful, and you ask yourself, who had the best ride, for real?

i'm not done.  Syd's not done with me, and i'm not done with her.  the tears started, but they didn't fall.  i have to get back to work. i have to get my life back.  i have to be the person Jehovah wants me to be.  is it Z-Phyles?  i don't know.  is it Rachel as my wife?  i can't say.  i only know that i got Syd grown, out of school.  i only know i didn't get thrown on that particular leg of the ride.  and for that, my gratitude is boundless to my God.

we'll see what tomorrow brings when it gets here.   good things, bad things, indifferent things...a serious moment, or time to play?  for this breath, thank you, Father.

business...good, bad and meh.

i love this picture, because it makes me look like a samurai in a Kurosawa pic.

yeah, this has been a day, been a day.  i say that a lot lately, more than i used to.  but it balances out.  going to have some battles, if i choose to, and going to have some peace negotiations, if i choose to.  it's all business.

to start with, my leg is feeling better, but i'm not going to rush.  i got up, got on my knees for the first time in two weeks and prayed, and i have to admit, the sensation was so great i almost cried.  i don't miss prayers as a habit, but i like getting on my knees as respect to the Creator who continues to keep me safe.  so laying on my bed and saying my prayer, it's the prayer that counts, but it doesn't feel the same.

i even read my meditations.  i felt good, i was doing good moving, i got dressed, came downstairs, made mom coffee and went to take Syd to catch her bus.  she came outside with some of my stuff, and i told her i didn't want my car loaded up, but she was determined she was going to do the thing her way.  she don't know i will pull all the way back, i don't have time for that game right now.  but business is business.

i asked about her timetable for moving, she said she'd be gone by the end of the month.  she has a job, she says, at a 'bar and ice cream place' in Leavittsburg.  no idea.  asked about the bar part, but she said she put in the app and they hired her.  again, no idea.

i'd taken my meds before i took Syd to her bus, and when i came back i just got started on breakfast.  heated up roast and rice and put two eggs with it, done and done.  my mom wanted me to go shopping for her, and my leg was holding up so i said yeah.  more business of worry.  she said she was giving me $65 for the store, asking if that would be enough.  i wasn't worried about it, having every intention of buying part of what was on the list so she wouldn't run out.  but when i got to the second store, i discovered she hadn't given me $65, but 125 dollars.  it wasn't the biggest deal, but i managed to convince her she needed to call her doctor and ask for some furtherance on her c-pap, because that could have been a costly mistaken on her part, with the wrong person.  i gave her her change, unloaded the groceries and went to lunch with Lonnie.  been a long time since we hung out, feels like it anyway.
after lunch, i stopped at the store to grab a couple things i'd forgotten, to find that i'd left my wallet on the front porch.  when i got home, my dad had my wallet so i went back to the store after a few.  i came home, cooked dinner, took a shower and shaved and fed my mom and myself.  i am upstairs now, and plan to crash soon.  i've not had one cup of coffee today.  this is some kind of record for me, but not one i like per se.

business.  the landlord on Colonial is becoming a bit of a stressor.  he's complaining about the water bill increase, but we're not leased to pay water.  he's upset because rather than allow him to make out a nonsensical lease for less than a month, i reminded him Syd will be gone at the end of the month.  now he's stressing because he says it's not 30 day notice, but Syd told him she'd be gone by the end of May, at the beginning of May.  and i'm already gone, which he knows.  but he has to have someone to be a hardass to.  seen it before.  i have enough to worry about without finding stray issues to consume me.

counseling tomorrow.  payday tomorrow, YAY.  and i have to email my doctor's excuse to work so i can get started again next week.  business.  and you do what you can, and the rest belongs to God.  thank you, Jehovah, for a day of progress and movement.

seasonal medical waiver...the prelim

so, today was good and bad.  that's about the size of the summary.  i don't know how much of this is just internal, because pain will fuck up your day, your year, your life.  but it is not indigenous to one person, so the personalization of pain becomes a facet of human narcissism, i believe.  at least, i think it's that way for me.

okay, so yesterday was a really bad day.  the pain was incredible and focused.  to awaken, unable to flex my foot, feeling like screaming, weary of hurting in this particular way...i did pray, but that was about it.  i can't remember much else about yesterday.  not the early part.  but i remember going to the basement, brewing my coffee, getting my system set up.  i remember reading my emails, having made a decision i was going to crush the day.  i remember my first call...it was just a refund and replace.  an order that had never shown up, set it for a returnless refund, then reorder the item, system does it automatically, and then make sure they're all good.  i did those things.  felt like the day was going to start strong...and then the bottom fell out.

next call was a consult with the logistics of the company i work for.  in talking to that department, my line went dead.  i tried to get back to the customer on hold, but that line was dead also.  then my next call came in, and it wouldn't allow me to connect with the customer.  so, i rebooted my system.  soon as i was back up and my work systems were loaded, a call flew in and i couldn't answer it.  clicking on my response buttons did nothing.  refreshed my window.  took the next call.  another logistics transfer.  anther dead line.  another call after with an unconnecttable customer.  then the anger began to set it.  because this was supposed to be the day that we started staying live, rather than going into a training mode between calls.  helps you make your wrap up concise.  minute and a half tops between calls.  but it wasn't just my system.  many on my team were having issues.  in fact, probably many of our agents period were having a hard time.

long story shortened, by the end of the night, i was offline, off the clock, sitting in front of a computer, waiting for the IT department to fix my shit.  think it would have been nice had they actually called me to update me or something, but that's not how it works.  so i was sitting.  and hurting.  ankle screaming.  creeping pain up my calf.  no meds touching it.  finally, about 11, i get off the computer, shut everything down.  i go to bed.  i'm tired and hurting. i am pondering my future.  i'm not willing to do another 13 hour day, definitely not willing to do a longer day for something that's not my fault.

sleep is rough. pain is intense.

i get up, still programmed for 430.  fade in and out, and get up to go take Syd to school.  let her know i'm mad about the calling her out of school texts and call from yesterday, and not happy about her having Joe come pick her up. i head home, i have a noon meeting today.  hurting bad.  have a breakfast sandwich my dad left in fridge for breakfast.  make my mom and omelet and some rice.  i call my doctor's office again.  never heard back from them yesterday.  they say two prescriptions have been called in.  a steroid, Prednisone, i'm familiar with, and an anti-inflammatory, Indomethacin, that i also know.  but the second one has not been approved by Medicare for the co-pay.  i pick up the Prednisone on my way to the meeting.  the meeting is small and, blessedly, short today.  take a pill.  i have to set up, make coffee, put out literature and books and shit.  limping bad.  Tradition 5 is the chapter.  its over, and i head home.  stop for lunch, get TB for me and Arbys for my parents.  eating too much junk lately.  i am pondering.  sitting and hurting, one more night.  and if my shit ain't working?  another waste of time?  i don't want to hurt.  i decide to be proactive.  i go to the basement and send an email.  human resources, my team lead and her supe.  tell them i want to know if i can do a re-start or a rehire.  i can't sit in pain like this anymore.  i thank them for the opportunity.  i go back to talking to my mom.  the steroid is kicking in, i feel sick and dizzy.  i come upstairs, lay down, nodding in and out for a bit.

i got an email outlining choices.  i can possibly get a seasonal medical waiver, stay out for about 6 days and return to my training.  i'm doing a good job, and i've come along well.  or i can end up on medical leave, which is more than 7 days, but i don't really want that.  OR, i can start again, but that would be in 90 days.  i ask for the process of the seasonal medical waiver, thank them again, either way, because it may not go through, and i have to contact my doctor and ask if he can do the paperwork for me.

i wrote this in pieces, because i fell asleep twice journaling.  at the moment, there is less pain.  i am grateful to Jehovah for teaching me that my actions need not be rash, to be responsive and to leave the big things in His care, just do what is in front of me.

will i work tomorrow?

...very hard to say.  this has been a nightmare of a work day.  think i'm going to focus on that, get it out of my system.

quick recap, though.  the majority of the day has heen pretty off.  i got up feeling okay, not one hundred, but in the 70 percentile, and now i'm back at 100 percent miserable far as this gout goes.  i did get Syd to her bus, to have her call me in a couple hours asking if i would call her school to say Jo was picking her up.  either a lie or stupidity, which a lie would also be.  i rested most of the day, even took another 1600 mg of ibuprofin, but i didn't stay down as long as i should have.  i left enough food for my parents for dinner, but they didn't eat.  my dad still refuses to use his own email address, and thinks the world is his secretary.  my mom was having a bad day.  i got a shower in, but didn't bother to shave.  i didn't talk to Rachel today, and it's not the biggest deal.  i hurt now.  i am weary and frustrated.  i just finished a hershey bar, spitting out the almonds.  my sugar will be up in the morning.

and then, there's work.

when my work time approached, i was in the mindset i was going to crush the day.  i was going to take calls, get resolutions, transfer only when i absolutely could effect no good outcome.  i was going to stay in call taking mode, not switch to 'training' and then to available to give myself more time to process.  i was going to start working on being who they hired me to be, in other words.  and i was ready.  coffee made, ice water cold, computer booted up.

that's when the trouble started.
first call was great, textbook.  second call, i lost the use of my phone trying to transfer to the proper department.  third call, couldn't even get the call to connect.  i informed my supervisor about the issue, then did a reset.  restarted, reopened everything.  first call, lost use of my phone trying to transfer.  next call, couldn't even get connected to the person.  so in the metrics, it now looks like i took one call and resolved it, then hung up on the next four or five people.  i was told to go offline and call a tech person.  which i did, and they told me to do some things which i did, and figured i was all better.  then i took a call, got the customer verified...and as they were telling me what they're problem was, the call was disconnected.  also, the next call.  offline, log out, contact the IT people again.  have to allow an update, then reset computer.  did that.  then before i was even in the proper auxiliary mode, a call came in and i couldn't answer it at all.  phone issue, seems now.  reboot.  run a call test.  can't connect to the automated call test voice.
suffice it to say, i spent most of the day, sitting in front of a computer, unable to do any work. frustration doens't begin to cover it.  sitting in one spot, in the chilll of the basement, has my ankle singing again.  i decided eventually, after several more tests and reboots, to just get off the computer, and go to bed.  i'm weary.  i am in pain.  i'll wake with cramps at some point.  i have to take Syd to her bus.  i have my noon meeting.  and i have to get back early enough to see if the phone is actually functioning properly.  \

but i am grateful.  breath.  food.  teansportation.  and a job.  i have been in more severe pain, and i have been in better situations, but it always started with being grateful for what i've got.  thank you, Father, for an interesting day.

up and down and up and down...

funny how time makes the mind work.  you start to really process the information that lay in your synapses, start to collate the date and make the connections.  you have to file this information away, and the down time is a perfect time for that to begin.  it seems to be that way for me anyway.

i miss going to the gym.  i miss the life of waking to workout, of getting up and shaking up the day, i miss writing and the germination of an idea into a poem or a chapter or a lyric or a concept to be absorbed into the body politic of Youngstown Organix.  i do miss it.  i miss my king sized bed, i miss my stove and my iron skillet.  i miss my coffee pot.  i miss baths.

but i have the honor of being able to see to my parent's well being.  i have had my mom make me breakfast during my down days, i've had my dad try to make sure i had what i needed in the basement concerning this job.  he doesn't really get the 'work-at-home' premise, and that's cool, because not many would, not many do.  of a certain generation, work is getting up and grooming specifically and putting on the uniform and traveling and punching a clock and doing specific chores for a specified time, and then going home to eat and sort of meld into the family dynamic, to rise the next day and do it all again.  for me to go to the basement, boot up the hard drive, log into my systems, put on the headset and say my greeting and resolve problems for strangers, it's like sci-fi to him.  yet, that's sort of what he did at the end of his active career.  but that's more conjectural than anything.

today i got up, hurting like a motherfucker.  really, nothing new about that.  i said a prayer, got into some clothes, got shakily to my feet and hobbled my ass down the stairs.  i had put on my slip on sneakers rather than my houseshoes, and i think that helped some, as sneakers add stability and keep me from flexing painfully.  that, and the 1600 mgs of ibuprofin.  whatever the reason, i went to the basement, took my meds, brewed and drank two cups of coffee, made breakfast for my mom and myself.  i had taken Syd to catch her bus.  i left out a bit later to put air in my tires and gas in my tank.  i'd decided on dinner, but i was taking it slow, despite the easing back of the pain.  i did call my doctor as well, but he was not in his office today, so no go there.  i'd also heard from my pharmacy, meds won't be delivered until tomorrow.  so i got to just chill.

i watched television and nodded.  yesterday i watched a movie called "Marty", with Ernest Borgnine, it was a sad romantic movie.  it reminded me of so much of my life.  today it wasn't anything specific.  just watching television and napping.  i cooked dinner, roasted brussel sprouts, baked potatoes and stove top pot roast.  i helped my dad put dirt over the grass seeds he was spreading in his yard, which hurt a bit but was a good thing to do.  he's still not been to the emergency room since i've been here.  i don't think i'm the reason, but my ego doesn't require that for my spirit to be happy with the fact.

tomorrow i get back to work. Friday, i get my first pay.  Sunday i'm taking Syd to get her dress for graduation.  this is a strange life, but it is mine.  Talked to Rachel briefly.  her father's wife died, not her mother, and she seemed to lack comprehension how hearing that someone in her family had a loss that made me sad.  but, i can only account for my own level of crazy.  never for anyone else's, no matter who they are.  Thank you, Father, for your kindness and the blessing of life today.