hold

i realized late yesterday that i hadn't journaled for the day, and decided i'd just double entry today.  by the time i got the awareness, i was sleepy and about to put on the binaural beats meditation vid so i could go under, and when i put it on i went deep under indeed.  so, there was that.  but i'm going to blog yesterday early, and today later, and that will catch everything up.

i got up yesterday feeling pretty good.  i said my prayers, got up and into some clothes, got my headphones and went out for a walk.  i walk around what i estimate to be a city block.  from my apartment to Belmont, Belmont to Gypsy, at Gypsy i turn at the old Allen's and swing back around to my house again.  it may be a bit more or a bit less than a mile, but i like the walk and the distance.  the gym was closed so the walk was on time.  i came home, had three eggs scrambled and bacon and a piece of toast.  i felt extremely unmotivated, which was okay.  i took a short nap, cleaned the dishes, took my prepped food out of the fridge to attain room temperature and went on with just fucking off the day.  i texted R, wrote a piece on FB and saw Syd out the door.  then i laid back a bit.

eventually, i cleaned my grill, set up my fire and got the meat ready,  i grilled two chicken breasts, two thighs, two small pieces of turkey kielbasa and a strip steak rare.  i sauteed the asparagus i'd prepped for the grill because i didn't feel like fucking around with dozens of asparagus stalks on an improvisational hibachi style grill, and i added some sliced mushrooms to the sautee.  i sat to eat around 4, and had some pudding afterwards.  i talked to R finally, she was helping her friend with some things, getting started on her journey towards her own orbit.  i ate more carbs than i should have, i know.  i ate a bag of popcorn as i watched tv later.  i'm sure it was more boredom than anything else, but i can't keep that kind of nonsense up.  it was a good day, a relaxed day.  i didn't make anything a problem and nothing was, and those are my favorite kinds of days.

this morning so far, i woke, i prayed, i took meds and insulin and i've been working on the interview, memorizing my lines so the flow will be more natural when R and i do it.  i'm thinking on the gym, as today is a weight day, but i haven't yet decided and i know if i go i'm going later, obviously.  i'm also contemplating going to the noon meeting today.  a lot of possibilities, a lot of 'what if's'.  but we'll see how it turns out and we'll let you know when we know, right?

sunday prep

well, i put my first request for participants in the WAITING FOR JESUS radio drama on my FB pages today.  got some likes, not many shares, but it's where i'm starting from.  R and i are going to at least start working on this as a joint project, calling our thing Auxiliary Brain Productions.  and it's going to happen, but if i don't give a public chance first, then i'll have to deal with all the criticisms about the participants not being 'professional' later.  so it's still along the lines of that little red hen's grain of wheat deal, but i'm trying to be above that thinking these days.  accurate though it may be, it accomplishes little.

the binaural rhythmic tracks on youtube are really amazing.  my sleep is deep, i wake ready for the day though it is like coming from a deep cave.  i'm not complaining though.  i stayed in, only going to the store for some supplies.  i didn't go to my meeting, didn't go to the hall.  i have to start getting back to the Kingdom Hall.  i can't renege on that.  i owe my Creator, and i am not going back on my word again.

i got up and said prayers.  i worked on memorizing the interview, got two pages pretty much down.  i had breakfast and lunch, and am still bummed about the oven not working.  my landlord seems to want to charge me for fixing or replacing his oven.  i'm going to end up moving sooner than i thought.  i refuse to continue to deal with this kind of nonsense.

i had taco salad for dinner.  i watched a bit of some movies.  i talked to R, but it was a fairly subdued conversation.  i didn't invite her for tomorrow because i didn't want to have her girls here if Syd wasn't here and i didn't want to keep static between her and her mom.  but i'm going to let her know that she is welcome if she wants to come, and we'll make do, as we always do.

i'm sort of concerned.  we did have some intimacy.  and i have a twinge in my back.  i'm still taking the anti-biotics.  if this turns out to be the same thing, i'm going to have to find a more secure foundation to stand on, because she's going to freak the fuck out.  so, i'm praying its not that.  we'll see in the a.m.

anyway, i don't have much today.  i'm going to crash soon.  i thank God for a slow and peaceful day.  out.

a good day

i'm very tired.  this has been a good but not extremely eventful day.  i have more of those lately than i used to, but i am learning to enjoy them to the extent that it's possible to do without the sense that i am shirking some extremely important duty along the way.

i got up early, the fan conspired to wake me before the ambient noise from the video could hold me completely under any longer.  i got up and said prayers and went to the living room and took meds and insulin and made coffee.  i had breakfast and i relaxed.  i spoke to R at some point, putting together plans to see each other.  i went to my parent's house, threw a load in the wash, exchanged dvd players for my mom and made she and my father breakfast before i gathered my clothes and came back home.  at my parents was where i talked to R first.  she was to come by early as she had her youngest and she'd have to give her some evening time.  i got home, got my clothes dried mostly and went to pick up R.

the visit was very nice.  good spirit, good conversation, good closeness.  we had lunch, we worked on some of the interview, we talked about some plans for some future projects that are going to come together soon.  it was fun and pleasant.  i know things have changed somehow between us, but i'm trying not to look too closely in the horse's mouth and just enjoy the changes, knowing they may not last.

i'm tired.  i've had dinner and a bowl of cereal not long ago for my snack.  i'm going to turn up my fan and drop off.  it's time.  think i'm laying back tomorrow as well.  thank you, Father, for life and the blessings it contains.

the shifting winds

this was a good day also.  i'm getting used to saying that.  it's scary in a way, but not overtly so.
i slept the sleep of both the just and the damned, and i'm hoping to do so again tonight.  when i got up, i was slow motion, trying my best to come from the depth of sleep that the binaural meditation video took me to.  i did pray, i did get up, but it was like swimming from a deep place.  and it was not a problem at all.
i took meds, had breakfast (half a frittata) and sort of lazed about.  i just couldn't put it together for the gym.  i went to counseling, which was good as i was able to look at things with R and myself from the outside of it, and it seems good from out there also.  as well, VF was kind enough to help me in my financial need, and i am very appreciative and humbled by the kindness.  so there's that.\
i went to my parent's house and visited.  i have to go back tomorrow to exchange one dvd player for another in my mother's room, but that will give me a chance to wash a load of clothes as well.  i saw my mom and my dad, and then i came home.
i had texted R in the morning and called her in the afternoon, but no answer.  i did get a call from her, telling me that she had slept in, from a high sugar possibly, and was just getting her day started.  she's going through some things with her mother.  i told her i was doing an 'act as if' and making preparations for seeing her tomorrow, which she seems to be looking forward to.  i am happy about that too.  later she told me her mom was mad at her, because of her spending time with me, and i couldn't really say anything about that.  i told her i thought everything would be okay, and that was trite and rather condescending, but you can't speak against someone's parent, even if they are themselves.  i am going to compose a poem for her mother, because she deserves a poem for raising such a wonderful daughter.
i got a call from Will, my brother's friend, asking about the car.  late he brought his daughter to look at it, and they drove it and said that they'd pay the 500 but they would do it on the 1st.  i told him if he was sure about it i'd take the 800 dollar tag out of the window and lock it up for them.  i can wait until the first.  i also got my meds, and they keep sending me the symlin pens, when  i cancelled that from my order months and months ago and have no intention on paying for it.
i cleaned my house today, end to end, because i want to be able to rest and spend time with R if she comes tomorrow.  i have no plans for memorial day, i don't even want to try to have plans.  i want to lay back, watch some television and eat some simple food, and get into my groove for the coming month.
i guess i'm realizing that change is not only possible, it is vital and imperative.  comfort can easily denote stagnation.  i asked for help.  i put a car up for sale.  i have a video project and i have a new vibe for a production company.  i have a woman that i love loving me.  my child passed to the 12th grade, almost despite herself.  we are blessed, and we are in good company, each of us with each of us.  i couldn't ask for more, because i didn't even ask for this much and i've received it.  i thank my Father, Jehovah, and i appreciate the shifting winds that bring about learning, wonder and wisdom on this orbit.  good night.

spiritual physics

there's a principle, a primary one in physics, like commonly known and accepted, i guess i mean, which states two physical bodies cannot occupy the exact same space at the exact same time.  i can dig it.  until molecular destabilization without loss of life becomes a reality, that is a physical fact.

but it's also a fact that two spirits cannot occupy the same space at the same time.  all the little cartoon representations of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other are just another faerie tale for children to have instant morality...just add water.  truth is, a person is, or they are not.  they are doing one thing, or they are doing another.  and by doing nothing, they are still doing something.  there is no such thing as an empty flesh vessel.  so it's important for a person to know not only what spirits they are in commune with...but what spirits are truthfully hearing and responding to their prayers.

i woke with prayer today, on my knees.  it was a simple prayer today, but i wasn't feeling very energetic, to be honest.  when school is out for the year the discipline has to kick into a higher gear, because if i have no reason to be up i'd rather be asleep.  but i got up.  even got into my gym clothes.  but i didn't go to the gym.
i checked the Old Lazarus video again, and put myself into a debate as to whether i want to redo it or not.  the watermark from the video editor app lasts a minute on a three minute video, but it's not really a detraction.  it's just a slight inconsistency.  i have to meditate on it some more.
i had breakfast, a sausage and egg sandwich.  i took my meds, my insulin, and i went back and laid down.  i just wasn't feeling any energy early.  R called and i spoke to her and finally i got moving.  i checked the Cavalier, and it wouldn't start though the interior lights were coming on.  I texted my brother for a jump and i got dressed and got the grass cut.  i finished in less than an hour and a half, except for the hill, which i left for Syd and Jo to do.  i came in, took a shower, my brother came and jumped the Cavalier, which i moved to the front of the driveway.  it wouldn't start again, but it's where i want it and i know i just have to clean the terminals.  i talked to R again, who is trying to get here for lunch, and i went and made a salad and cleaned the dishes.  that's where my day is at right now.

what does any of that have to do with any damn thing?

well, here's the deal.  i didn't want to do a thing today.  and yet, i wanted to do everything, get everything done.  i don't do moderation well.  but it's necessary, if i am going to continue to grow.  so instead of trying to clean my whole house, i cut the grass, which was necessary.  i got sun, exercise and now i can legitimately rest.  if R makes it through, we'll order some wings to go with our salad.  if not, i will have salad with my dinner tonight.  all things in moderation, right?

more later.

the day ends.  R came by for lunch, which was nice.  i'm happier with the video than i was previously, so i think i'm going to use it.  i am tired, but i feel good.  i'm hitting the gym tomorrow, so i can finish the week strong.  i am not worried about much of anything, because in truth i have everything i need.  that's always a good feeling.  and tomorrow is its own day, with its own peaks and it's own pitfalls.  no point worrying on them today.  thank you Jehovah, and good night.

well...

i guess i didn't get back to things yesterday.  that's okay though, today is another day.
it was a good day, and i appreciated it.  i got up and got to the gym and did the weight machines as was my plan.  i got home and had coffee and took meds and insulin.  i woke with prayer, of course.  i went to Walmart after the gym and got donuts for the meeting.  i took the bike to R and i talked with her about a few things.  we'd talked on the phone earlier that day as well.  i went to the meeting and the lead was good.  saw some people i hadn't met yet, and was pretty patient with the ones i knew.  i came home and got my credit card bill paid, got my medicine ordered and learned how to work the movie maker app i downloaded yesterday.  i had a hamburger for lunch, with sauteed spinach, tomato and cheese, but i was craving something and couldn't quite get satisfied.  i had some mac and cheese and some popcorn as well.  i didn't eat anything for dinner.  nothing seems satisfactory.
i talked to my brother, got the video and audio track finished, Syd helped me with the mix and i saved it.  it has a huge watermark in it, so i'm going to try to re-do it in windows movie maker before i decide to go with it.  i am tired, my thoughts are settling, and i'm a bit hungry but not so much that i feel the need to overindulge.  i want to talk to R again, and i want to go to sleep.  treadmill tomorrow.  i guess i feel pretty good and that's not a bad thing, and it's not as unusual as it's been lately.  i don't have any deep lessons to share.  the devil will always tempt you, that's what the devil does, whatever you believe the devil to be.  but gratitude has a way of putting temptation in its rightful place.  good night, and thank you Father.

getting it in

well, it's underway.  i'm getting ready for summer production.  i'm still at home today, but it's been a good day and i don't anticipate much changing.  if i can get my brother here for these shots i need to take, it will be that much better.

it started rough today.  i felt drained waking up, and i really didn't sleep all that well.  but i got up to let Jo in and talked to him about his believing he had some affect on things between me and Syd.  i hope he got the point.  he's a nice kid, but someone broke him rather early and i'm just not of the patience to do much people repair these days.  anyway,  after Syd left for school i got it in gear. took meds, took insulin, ate breakfast, a leftover burger with an egg and cheese on top.  pretty yummy. i then got to work redoing the Janice's Journal spot.  it needs to be done.  i called and cancelled my insurance on the Cavalier, and i tried to get child support to find out why there's been no deposit on the card, but haven't been able to reach anyone yet.  i took a bath, i've talked to R several times today, my brother called and said he'd be around this afternoon and i filled the bike tires on R's bike.  if they stay inflated i'll have it taken to her this evening.

i feel okay, a twinge in my knee so i'm going to take some colcrys and drink some cherry juice.  gonna go to TB and get burritos for lunch. going to try to finish a couple of things as far as my to-do list.  got nothing else til tomorrow afternoon so i'm just trying to stay busy.  i'm going to add to this later, but for now, i hope i can get the filming done that i need to get done, because the editing is going to be time consuming, but it's going to be the lesson to learn and it's going to make the difference.  more later, likely.

outside in the cold distance...

the beginning of summer starts tomorrow.

for parents, its not a seasonal date.  it's not something on the solar calendar anyway.  it is the day that your children, in America anyway, are done with school for another year.  and that marks the point where your hours are no longer your own, in their majority.  by this point, which is 11th grade for me and Syd, you're kind of used to it.

i got up and said prayers and got dressed for the gym.  warmed an old cup of coffee and made my way over.  found that Rose, the receptionist, finally went to the doctor, which made me happy.  did the treadmill for half an hour, came home and got real coffee on and meds into my system.  had another moment with Syd, far as her asking at the last moment about her doctor's excuse, which St. E's emergency room didn't give us with the paperwork.  then i got on her case about not putting away her breakfast stuff from sunday, which i told her to do before i left for my meeting.  i gave her the money to purchase her ipad from the school, but reluctantly.  when the child support card loads i'll get it back.

i ate breakfast, which i'd prepared the day before.  two boiled eggs and a piece of toast.  i went to Walmart, got a few things, went to Aldi and got a few more, and then came home.  i napped.  got texts from Syd saying she passed her math final, passed all her classes.  i'm not going to pretend to be overjoyed.  three C's and a D is not a great year.  and that year began with her running away from home and it's ending with her being grafted to Jo's hip most of the time.  it is tiresome.

i went back to my mom's house, found that her printer auto-loaded onto the laptop and that her usb mouse has a short in the cord and she needs another one.  i talked to her and my dad for a bit, and then i went back home.  while there i put cube steaks in the oven for their dinner.  i got home, talked to R some more, got my cabbage/spinach done and my broccoli and cheese.  grilled burgers and had dinner.  one burger, and the veggies.  i also had two mini peanut butter cups.  i'm tired, but i wanted to log this.  from yesterday to today.  i see good things, and i need to remark on them because i have to remember them and remain grateful.  like how i got the Walmart card, but how i also got my schedule to volunteer at the Warmline, which means my background is clear.  like helping the old gentleman at the ATM when he was trying to get money and abusing the machine, which put me in fear of not being able to use it myself.  like how today i got my title and lien release from the finanicial institution so i can now sell the Cavalier.  like having a laptop that works.  like finding a bike for R on my way home from the meeting yesterday.  GRATITUDE?  i'd say so.  but it's so easy to forget sometimes, to get caught up in the inconsequential shit.  so i'm going to just chill tonight, get ready to put it in gear for tomorrow and do my thing.  i am grateful to God for a very good and peaceful day.

growing hair

so this has been a day.

i woke up feeling some out of sorts.  not to the major degree that i have on some of my recent bad days, but just stiff and sluggish.  so i didn't move fast.  i prayed sitting on the edge of my bed and i slowly got my ass in gear.

i went to the living room, put on fresh mud, made a cup with some cold water as a chaser, took meds and insulin and went to work on my damaged track from yesterday.  i got most of it put back together when the door has a knock and it's Jo, Syd's friend.  at 8 on a sunday goddamn morning.

so i questioned him as to his reasons, and he told me Syd told him to be at my house at that time.  now, Syd's supposed to be sick.  so i get in his ass a bit as i got in Syd's in a major way night before.  then i made myself an egg sandwich and got back to work.  i came in my room soon, as i was still draggy and more than a bit irritable.

i had a clear plan for the day.  meeting, Walmart, parent's house.  wash clothes, hook up laptop for mom, visit, come home.  that was the plan.

i went to the meeting annoyed again by Melona, the irritable girl from a couple months ago.  but i got through the meeting.  then i went to my parent's house, got my dad's upstairs tv's working correctly, hooked up my mom's laptop and washed a load of clothes.  i had enough time to dry them but i didn't.  i had 2 slices of cheese pizza at the meeting and a sandwich at my parent's house.  i took them some chicken and western ribs and i guess they ate that with dinner. i washed my clothes and brought them home to dry  i did not go to walmart today.  the meeting and the irritability wore on me a bit.

i got home, ran back out to grab some chicken for my dinner.  i talked to R for quite some time, and then i worked on the laptop i got from my mom.  then i went to bed.  that's the overview.

substance:

Syd is really getting on my nerves with this need to be grafted to this person's hip.  you hope things are going to work out okay, and when a part of you just sees clouds on the horizon, you feel bad but you pray for the best and you keep it to yourself.  but you never forget the clouds are there and growing closer, and you try to prepare your child but you know there's no such thing.  there are 60+ year olds who haven't learned this shit yet.

Melona is a deliberate distraction in the meeting and i am feeling the need more and more to address this personally.  i am hoping that she finds what she's looking for soon.

more tomorrow.  my eyes are seeking closure for the night.  Thank you, Jehovah.

over halfway there...

...the funny thing is, i missed logging yesterday.  and that was the day VF commended me for sticking to logging daily.  accentuates the humanness i will never shake until i stop breathing.  but it is kind of funny.

i feel good today, i guess yesterday wasn't very eventful but i'm still convalescing, and i end up exhausted by day's end.  but i'm going to get it in, cover yesterday and today, and get back to my thing.

yesterday, friday, i got up slow, still draggy after the thursday grass cutting and seeing my homie Bryan that evening, drinking coffee much later than i should have, but just using time and going back and forth, catching things that distance put into boxes that needed to be open.  i'm saying that my friend and i haven't seen each other in over two years, and before that it was over 20, so there was a lot of catching up to do and it ain't done yet.  it was a sad visit, as he is in apparently very poor health, and he is in a hard life situation.  but i was able to help him, few dollars that i really didn't have but that i made myself have, because i know God has me covered.  and we talked, and we drank coffee.  and i'm going to try to keep up with his health.  but that was thursday.
friday, said prayers, got up, had breakfast, a boiled egg, a piece of peanut butter toast if i recall correctly.  i went to the store early and got some things that i wanted to cook.  my body and mind were feeling pretty good, and i felt like doing some grilling.  got some western ribs, some chicken legs, some collards and kale, and stuff for a pretty fly mac and cheese.  got Syd some more Gator-ade and me some flavored water which is just pop with no artificial colors.  i can live with it.  in the afternoon, i did my prep and my early cooking and then i went to counseling at 3pm.  i was glad i got to see VF, but i was exhausted for some reason.  i know the uti and the bad antibiotic are still lurking, as i am not pushing out solids, but they ain't liquid spew anymore either so i'm on the right track.  i'd talked to R early, and i can see she's in weird space, so i go to my silent position when i feel her groping for a confrontation.
i grilled (side note:  the grill that i appropriated from the back of the apartments when the last neighbor moved out is a monster.  had to gut it so i could use it for charcoal instead of gas, but it was killing my chicken especially.  had to do an uber-vigilant thing to keep it from burning everything to cinders.  i love a grill that i have to figure out) and i took a bath.  decided to grow my hair in so i just shaped up my mustache and beard a bit and soaked briefly.  i ate after Syd, and that was the day.  cleaned some dishes, talked to R again, we worked on some harmony over the phone and then i crashed out.  was trying to get to the journaling, but sleep got me before i got to it.

i woke today about six thirty and lazed until 7 something.  said my prayers, got up, went in the kitchen and heated a cup of fresh coffee after turning the pot back on.  i put two eggs in to boil but one had a crack in the shell and i didn't feel like boiled eggs after seeing the leaked and soup-boiled egg white, so i made a two egg spinach, mushroom and cheddar omelet instead with a piece of toast.  i did some more work on the track for the Old Lazarus spot, and then i started cleaning my bedroom.  i am currently working on my living room, which i'm going to do a thorough cleaning and then do a neatening of the kitchen and bathroom, since i cleaned them thoroughly last week before the uti tried to murder me.  i am going to my mom's later, get some clothes washed, put pillowcases back on pillows and put clothes away and have some leftovers for dinner i reckon.

right now, i'm thankful.  and that's not a bad thing, and i have to remember to be thankful more often.  i got my gift card for Walmart from the Warmline training class and i got a schedule.  i'll be on for two days next month, but i have to believe those will be the days i'll need ten dollars the most.  i'm going to ask if it's possible to just get the gift card when my shift is done.  not that it's required, but i'm going to ask anyway.  my Amazon credit card came in, so i can start building there as well.  and i am waiting to see when the title to the Cavalier shows up.  the only downside is the Child Support card hasn't loaded yet, but i've been in touch with Chris and am convinced the issue with with CS.  so i'm going to call them tomorrow and find out what's going on,  and that's not an issue that's going to destroy our lives.  we have shelter, food, utilities.  i have gas in the car.  we've not been hungry or cold or had to wear dirty clothes.  and i've been creative and i just need to get back to the Kingdom Hall, which is on the agenda tomorrow.  i will not complain.  i will remain thankful and keep moving in a right direction, because what else is going to work better?  i do my part, and Jehovah does the impossible and the improbable.  i like that arrangement today.

wrapping the day.  had dinner, leftovers.  finished my living room.  worked on some more harmonies, using Benson's 'This Masquerade'as a template.  just practicing, getting better.  R came by, had a plate, worked on the interview piece, watched some movie.  i am angry with Syd because she disregarded my instructions to stay in this weekend, on account of her having been out of school half the week and having left early for three days consecutive with her attendance.  but those things are just details.  it was a good day, i did what i needed to except laundry, and i'm about to shut it down.  thank you, God, for a beautiful day.

dilithium crystals, my ass...

pushing myself a bit today.  its not really necessary, but you don't know how much you're feeling like you til you start doing the things you usually do.  i'm feeling in the high 90 percentile, which i can live with happily and well.

i woke up at five but laid around because Syd didn't have school and Jo wouldn't be coming til after 8.  finally i got up, said my prayers, came to the table and read a daily scripture and then something from Proverbs, which i love.  I prefer Ecclesiastes, but Proverbs will do.  I took insulin and meds, and made myself a breakfast sandwich.  knocked on Syd's door twice but she didn't respond so i didn't bother.  if dead, i didn't kill her and if alive, well enough to ignore me and i'd return the favor later.  

Jo came, brought me two breakfast sandwiches and a hash brown from McD's and i put them in the microwave to eat later.  talked to R for a bit.  her meds have her going through some changes, but i'm still in the process of learning when to speak, and when to lay back.  got off the phone with her after almost an hour, and i got myself together to go and cut some of the grass.  my foot wasn't in very much pain, though there were traces of the gout, and my back wasn't hurting at all.  until i finished, that is.  it took some out of me, but i cut the sides to the back of the house, the front yard and the devil's strip, leaving the actual back and the hill for Jo, who volunteered to do it.  i am much better at accepting help.  

after i finished cutting i went to pick up Syd's script from Rite-Aid.  I talked to Lonnie for a few.  he's stressed, but the scary part is this: the day that he described he's having sounded, to me, very stressful, and to him, at this point in his life, it's just 'the usual'.  that's not good.  i worry for my friend, but he worries for me too.  

got back home, Jo was starting on the back.  i went across the street and found a long stick that will serve as a staff.  have an idea for The Book of Old Lazarus.  it's time to start this Kindle Scout campaign again, and this time i want to hit it with everything i can.  local flyers, paid ad on FB, a killer conceptual self-shoot commercial, the works.  so if it doesn't happen this time, i can't say i didn't do all that i could do.  and i can't say that for Mechanical Jesus either, but i really want to win.  that's my goal this year.  

anyway, the title of this entry.  this orbit is an experience, an education and a new level of consciousness blossoming.  it has been a test, whether i can maintain flight in the face of obstacles and opposition, whether i can be graceful when i have system issues, when the trajectory isn't what it's 'supposed' to be.  its easy when it's easy, i guess is what i'm thinking to myself.  who can't fly when they've got wings as big as buses and an updraft that could lift an elephant?  but when you've got to flap and keep flapping, and hope beyond hope that you're strong enough to keep going...that's when the real question comes:  what powers this orbit?  where does that kind of power come from?  

It ain't from me, lemme tellya.  it's not my finite ass, who has had no problem quitting the gym for years and now look forward to getting there tomorrow.  it ain't me, down 14 pounds or so.  it ain't me, doing what the doctor's say, taking meds as i should and worried about living rather than focusing on why i'm not dead yet.  so i'd have to say, that power for this flight, for this journey, this orbit, is the God of my understanding, the God of my every breath.  and while i am becoming, perhaps, a more worthy vessel, give God the credit he deserves (or she, no sexist I), because when i was a worthless vessel, God didn't find me so.  and when I was much less than I am now, God continued to be the God of my every breath, because i'm still breathing.  some things are only complicated because this is a world taught to celebrate stupidity.  but i am thankful to my God for all the good things to come.  

sure as hell ain't the dilithium crystals, Cap'n.

...what I got...

oh man, it's been a week so far.  it's been a damn week.

so, Syd is going to be home for the rest of the week.  some kind of viral infection, lot of that shit going around right about now.  kind of sick of her going to school and coming home early after a nurse's station visit.  hearkens back to earlier years and bad habits.  but i can only do what i've done, which is take her to two emergency rooms and two doctor visits (second one tomorrow) and see what is what.  meanwhile, kept the tenacious Jo away for the evening, need very much to chill and have my house as my house for a few moments at least.

otherwise, a better day than i've been having lately.

prayers and coffee, breakfast of two eggs boiled and toast, yogurt to cememt the bowels.  i went to my meeting, secured a lead for next week, got the rent paid til July.  talked to R briefly.  did some mic practice, digging the new compression mic like you wouldn't believe.  it's so clean, it records so clean.  can't wait to redo that Janice's Journal commercial.  then came the call, and i had to roll.  ate burritos from taco bell for lunch, horrid.  had a sandwich and soup for dinner, better.  took trash to curb, took insulin, keflex, and now i'm ready to crash.  sick of sickness, weary of weariness.  tired of being tired.  got to cut the grass tomorrow.  at least the front, so i can get my cardio done and consider it a home improvement movement.  that was clever.  anyway, i'm super tired and R is likely still running, so i'm going to shut it down and get ready to resume my life tomorrow.  thank you, Jehovah, for looking after Syd and me.

turbulent space

well, at least i kept journaling.

i got up with prayer this morning, but i felt like absolute shit.  weak, listless, the alarm went off and my mind stayed asleep.  i slept deeply last night though, still getting down with the ambient sound videos from youtube.  i got up and got some coffee, called Syd off as she had a slight temp this morning, and i got into the day.  made some eggs for she and Jo (whom i allowed to crash in the living room) and took my meds and insulin.  at R's suggestion i had some peanut butter toast before i went to my kidney doctor.
that appointment went well.  i have a good lineup of doctors now, and Dr. P has been a longtime fave of mine.  he told me that the liquid spewing from my bowels is a side effect of taking the antibiotic that wasn't prescribed for me and should not have been used by me in the first place.  he wrote me a script for my right antibiotic, told me all my functions looked good and sent me on my way.  while there, i got an appointment for Syd at One Health for that afternoon.  i got home, looked for some paperwork i needed to get completed, couldn't find it so i called the SS administration but didn't get a human on the phone and finally had to just say 'fuck it' and go to take Syd to doctor.
her doctor confirmed what the ER said, theorizing it to be a viral infection.  advised she'd just have to ride it out.  we went to the store and got a few things as i was really hungry by that point.  got home, made soup and a sandwich, ate some yogurt (Dr P's orders) and laid down.  i had a pb sandwich for dinner, some popcorn and more yogurt.  not feeling much like eating right now.  i have to have enough strength to do my meeting tomorrow, and i intend to resume the gym thursday.  apparently i've lost 14 pounds, and i don't want to lose too much momentum.

i am thinking about self-will.  seeing it in other people, seeing it in myself.  the UTI is making R regretful about our intimacy, as she believes it's the thing of two diabetics being together.  i don't believe she gave me anything, and if she did, it is not the end of the world, but i don't believe she did.  men do get UTI's, just less frequently.  and i am a hotbed of changing physiology as well.  but then i see her going through changes due to self-will, and i see me still trying to find a place where i can stand against the conventional wisdom, and i realize sometimes the best thing a person can do is just what is in front of them and leave everything else alone.  sometimes, that's the easy way, even if shit seems hard.  and i don't believe anyone ever masters that, but i know i can improve one hell of a lot.  thank you, Father, for your kindness.

Phone log

So, i'm writing this from north side ER.  not for me; brought Syd because she was feverish at school again today.  Its 9 now. Been here since about 6. It's been a day, to be sure.

Got up in pain, but i said my prayers on my knees. Got Syd gone, took meds, had eggs and grits. Gout is holding me hostage. Couldn't catch my doctor til noon, and they wouldn't call in antibiotics. Got bloodwork for Dr. Pandya appointment tomorrow. Had Chinese for lunch my mom brought. Syd came home early. I nodded for a bit and brought her to ER. Will likely fine tune this in tomorrow's entry, as i can only see pain meds and sleep when i get home. Oh, no gym. Obviously.

live and learn

so, it happens.  you get sick.  things break down.  time is not on your side, ever, regardless of what the Stones said.  and it's fine.  it has to be, because to protest against time is to reveal your level of sociopathy.  and i know Toti at least is more balanced than that.

i am burning up, but my temperature is only up by one degree.  i now feel clammy and warm.  i've been feeling cold and brittle.  i have felt as if the antibiotic was working, but the pain remains, though i function better.  i have a pain in my foot now, as if the UTI and the gout are going to keep running in   connected cycles.  i'm taking the colcrys for the gout, head it off at the pass.  no more of the heavy pain pills, because i don't need to not feel anything, or i'll get used to not feeling anything and want more of that.  not cool.

i did pray this morning.  i did say my prayers but i laid across my bed to do so.  i did gather more needed things.  i did take my blood sugar reading, which was 188, likely from noshing on chocolate icing yesterday.  i did make myself a breakfast sandwich, egg, sausage and two pieces of whole wheat toast.  i did drink lots of water and cranberry juice, while the diet held out.  i did hook my mic up to the desktop.  i did make a grilled cheese for lunch.  i did move the bowels.  i did take my meds, including the lasix, as i want to flush the system.  i have been fucking around online.  i did talk to R today, and managed to not try to take her sadness about her daughters growing up.  i know the feeling, after all.  i did drink 3 cups of coffee.  but it wasn't the coffee VF sent, because i didn't specify to Syd and Jo that that's the coffee i wanted.  oh well, coffee is coffee after a day without.

i am about to take my fast acting again.  i'm going to pull the last of that roast out and make myself something to eat.  i'm going to take another antibiotic.  should i be blessed with breath in the a.m., i'm going to call my doctor and try to get my own antibiotic called in.  i'm going to call one main and find out about this lien on my cavalier.  i'm going to do as little as i can, as i still feel like shit.  and i've got not one damn thing on my calendar for the week, so i may not do one damn thing other than my wednesday meeting.  play it by ear.
thank you, Jehovah.  i am alive and that is by your grace.

uti

today has been horrible.  a uti has returned, and i've been laid up today.  i want to get it in, because the discipline is to write every day.  but that's all i have to write.

slow motion better than no motion

not a bad day.  i'm logging events late because i've been doing stuff today, but that's not really a problem.  i just have to make sure i do details correctly when i wait til the end of the day.  back on track for the way it should be done.

meals today (monday starts the caloric count again)

breakfast:
sausage patty, egg, two pieces of toast

lunch:
hamburger patties w cheese, salad

dinner:
chicken parm (1), pasta with mushrooms & tomatoes and spinach sauteed with bacon, mushrooms and onions.

piece of cake.

workout:
did weight machines today, not as long as usual as my feet were still hurting from yesterday's walk around the city block.

i woke on time, turned off alarm before it rang and said my prayers.  i got up slowly but got dressed to go to the gym because i wasn't feeling motivated to do so.  went to the gym late and did some machines.  tried to figure a different elliptical but it was not going well for the rhythm of the stroke, as Parliament would say, so i left it alone for now.  i got home, saw Syd out the door, had breakfast, took meds and insulin, went to counseling.  VF gave me a bag of coffee for my birthday and because i ran out of coffee last month.  i am going to brew a pot first thing Saturday morning.

i got a call from TCTC while in counseling that Syd was not feeling well.  i had her friend go pick her up.  i got home and began making soup for her.  it was a chicken soup with big noodles, shredded carrots, celery, onion, a touch of cayenne and some Italian seasonings.  seemed to do the trick.  her fever came down, which was likely due more to the Tylenol than the soup, but one likes to think their soup has the power to banish sickness.  then i cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and swept and mopped those floors.  i went to do my shadowing at the Warmline, but no calls came in between 4 and 5 so i left with no more experience than i'd had when i got there.  i went to the store, got stuff for my chicken parm and went home.  R came by this evening and we worked on the interview for the commercial.  we talked and spent some time and it was nice.  i am about to go to bed, having taken my night meds.  i'm going to finish my cleaning early and try not to do a whole lot for the rest of the day.

i guess my thing today is realizing that there's a lot that i do right, though at times it doesn't seem like it.  and people respond to that right, and that makes life worth waking up to.  VF's coffee, Syd actually doing what i asked her to before she left again this afternoon, R coming by to work on the interview, it makes a difference.  small things that make big things and make the big things that seem like problem not so bad after all.  i wrote an email to Felecia, telling her that keeping me out of the loop is indicative of her maybe not being happy with the way things progressed between us on the project, but her needing to say something if that is the case.  if it needs correction, let me know. if not, then please honor the agreement.  i'm not going to beg for what i worked for.  but i'm also not prepared to start creating more people that i consider to be border enemies just because their character isn't up to par.  if you know someone is not in their right mind, you have to take that into consideration before you decide to treat them like a sane and balanced person.  it will save you some future heartbreak and anger.

i am grateful for a good day, and i thank God for the provisions.  all is right on time.  good night.

discipline maybe

it's going on one in the afternoon.  i'm doing this now because i want to make sure i get at least the early part of the day put down though i intend to do a wrap up as well.  i'm in the process of trying to do nothing, as per R's instructions, and she is absolutely correct;  it is exceedingly difficult, though i often think myself a pretty lazy guy.

i got up and said prayers and was moving slow, as Thursdays seem to go lately.  i didn't go to the gym.  i started writing in the new poem i'm working, The Land of Evolon.  got some pages done, got Syd out the door, had breakfast, insulin and meds, and i messed around for a bit.  the muse abandoned me so i put the poem away for now, and i gathered clothes.  i washed out the bathtub as a prelude to cleaning the bathroom later, and i took clothes to my parent's house to wash.  i made my mom an omelet and toast for breakfast.  i got keys from my dad to the new side door lock and i went to the store.  i got stuff to put with the burgers for tonight and i came home.  i called R back but no answer so i put my clothes in the dryer and went for my walk.  that is where this writing catches up to real time at the moment i'm writing it.  i am about to make myself some lunch.  i had two potato latke and two scrambled eggs.  for lunch i'm making fish tacos and having some soup.  dinner will be burgers on the George Foreman grill and salad.

i feel good, but i am tired, there's no getting around that.  i don't particularly like the weariness, but i've told my family doctor, my endocrinologist and my cardiologist about the weariness and none of them addressed it too significantly.  i have no problem napping, and will do so after lunch, but i am going to clean the bathroom and my bedroom before bedtime.

i have some thoughts.  i am working my way into being the success that i want to be with the writing.  it is a process, but i'm in that process now.  i have made my webpage far more comprehensive.  i've got to change my phone message for the Z phone, but i am not too unhappy with where i am at this moment.  all i can say is, i want to keep moving forward, and i would imagine i'll get where i'm trying to go when its time for me to be there.  but that's it for now.  i'm too tired to think.

well, the day is done.  i worked on the poem a bit more, had lunch and dinner as planned ate some popcorn as well, cleaned my kitchen and put stuff away.  i've talked quite a bit to R, over the past couple of days.  i'm trying to reach in more, without expectation.  she is more conversive, and we talk on a wide range of subjects, but the eggshells are still on the floor and the apprehension is real.  so i am cautious, i imagine she is too.  but there can be no more free riding.  if she isn't wanting to do a relationship then we're going to move to something else.  and by we i mean ME.

thank you, Jehovah, for a peaceful day.

May 10 & 11, 2016

http://wolfflow05.wix.com/zphylespublishing

i don't know how i missed yesterday, but i did.  i was very tired later in the day, possibly on an emotional level, and i ended my day in my room.  that's probably the long and the short of it, but analyticals are in order.  so i'm going over yesterday, catching up to today, and getting it right.

i got up and said my prayers yesterday.  i got to the gym and i got Syd out the door.  i had breakfast, two fried eggs and a piece of toast.  i did nothing of significance after that.  i went to lunch with Lonnie, who was really down due to the impact of putting Max, the dog, down and the children's response.  after lunch i went back home.  i went to my parent's house for a moment to get my mother's laptop back on its regular Windows screen rather than the Windows 10 update she'd started.  i talked to my brother, to R, i had a chicken sandwich and fries for lunch, i had leftovers for dinner.  i drank coffee far too late in the day as i had no reason not to, as Wednesday is not a gym day for me, and i finally went into a pretty deep sleep after talking to R again.  i had a low sugar moment, announced by chills and hands shaking, and then i ate way too many carbs, including peanut butter on bread twice, a donut, crackers with some wedding soup i had between lunch and dinner.

as a result, i woke with a high sugar of 220 today.

i got up with prayer, i lazed a bit as i was in no great hurry.  i got Syd out the door, had breakfast of 2 boiled eggs and toast.  i worked on my book site, it's not done but i'll finish it later today.  i had an appointment with Dr. Jackson, my podiatrist, who said all is well with the pedals.  i stopped at the store, got some potatoes, a roast and a cake mix and icing.  cut up the veggies and got everything seasoned and into the crock pot for dinner later.  going to turn it on high and then down to low before i leave.

so far, my thoughts are that i am trying to get some things done on a non-existent budget.  it's not as bad as it sounds.  the bills are paid.  there is gas in the car.  i have a card at King Size and i'm working on ordering some clothes.  i feel good, aside from my high sugar but i'm taking my insulin.  i'm not really worried about anything in particular.  i have a lunch date with R, and don't know where exactly where going to go, because i have no particular taste for anything except time with her.

but my cholesterol and last b.p. med are tied into my journaling now.  i'm trying to be more responsive to my own needs, my own things that should be taken care of.  if i don't write, i miss meds and my blood pressure stays irregular.  so i have to do better.  i have to.

not beating myself senseless over it though.  done is done, and next is next.  i can't wait for my microphone to come.  and i need a music keyboard.  all phase three stuff.  i will write more later.

okay, so i'm at the end of the day.  i have had lunch with R and her eldest daughter, which was cool.  i did the roast and that was good, and Syd and I ate.  i took my last insulin, my two evening pills.  i have coffee ready to go and i have my website updated.  i've done my meeting, made a call to the police about a manhole cover that is not secure in its hole and will likely cause problems for someone.  i am ready to shut it down for the night.

i guess i feel pretty serene right now.  i know the orbit is on track.  i know that my inner child, toti, is gaining the strength that comes from real validation.  i know that things are going to be tight, but they are not going to be impossible.  and i know that we are blessed.  i can't really ask for much more than that.  tomorrow i'm going to work on cleaning the apartment.  i'm going to prep for dinner, i'm going to maybe go to my parents to do a load of clothes.  i'm going to try to relax.  and i'm going to thank Jehovah for all that we have been given, and all that we have been protected from.  and i'm done.

modifications

today's been a good day, but there are changes coming.

I got up and said my prayer and had coffee and water.  i got out to the gym early and did a mile, though i'd intended to try for two.  still not all up from the grass cutting, but i went as scheduled and i did some work.  i got home, saw Syd off to school, had breakfast (two breakfast burritos, with two eggs, smoked sausage, peppers, onions and cheese) and i got myself together for my doctor's appointment.  i went to see Dr. Lutton and got some adjustments once again to my medical intake.

when i got home i finished working on the track i'd been doing.  it's not 100 percent, but it will suffice.  i realized i can wait to do perfect work or i can advertise my shit with what i've got.  so i lined up the pics for the vid and i got it up on Youtube and while i'm still not happy with the harmony part, the drag on the cut and the narcotic feel to it is a-ok with me.  i have been mostly just working on dinner since then.  steak and wings and broccoli and cheese and mashed potatoes.  i pulled soup out of the freezer and heated it up but i didn't eat any, likely i'll have some for lunch tomorrow.

i haven't talked to R yet, but that's cool, she had counseling and an appointment.  i have stayed mostly in rest mode, trying to get my spirit and body up for the rest of the week.  i have a podiatrist appointment on wednesday.  i have to order some clothes with this card i got from my online clothes company.  i have a sit in with one of the warm line workers on friday.  not that being tired is going to stop me from doing my thing, but it will make it easier for me to get moving when the time comes.

i feel good today.  i don't really feel like there's anything in particular i need to take care of.  i did get to the store.  i got meat from the store.  when my gift card comes from training i'll go get some of the produce stuff we need.  i only see things looking up.

i don't have much more to add.  tomorrow i list food and caloric intake.  i'm going to work on losing at least a pound a week.  thank you, Jehovah, for a good day.

May 7th and 8th

well, i missed yesterday.  journaling, that is.  i was pretty much out of it after i cut the grass, so i forgot all about writing.  but i'm on it today.  so we'll catch up and get back on track.

yesterday.  i got up and said my prayers.  i went to breakfast with Marc, talked for awhile.  came home, got myself in gear and cut the grass.  it took quite a bit out of me, as i said earlier.  i had Jo cut the hill on the back of the yard, but the rest i did.  i visited my mom after i took a bath, got money for some groceries, took my dad to his party, came home and ate and put together my casserole for the potluck at the sunday meeting, and i crashed after i got him home.  also, a guy that i sponsor came and visited, and we talked for a good while.  and my brother stopped in a few times, and he seemed rather morose about his living thing, his housemate and his self as well.  i'm worried about him but i haven't had a chance to talk to him about it again yet.

today, i had trouble getting out of the bed.  i eventually got up, said my prayers, got meds and breakfast in and did some recording work.  got a pretty good amount done on the recording that i did the day before, but i ended up scrapping the vocal tracks that i laid down as i wasn't pleased with them.  well, i scrapped one.  i re-recorded it, and i now have something serviceable, but i have to find a way to record it at the tempo that it's best played at.  i went to the meeting, which went well, though only about half the people we've been getting lately.  i went to visit Johnnie, which was nice.  i came home and took my last insulin, and i ate dinner, leftovers from the potluck. i have been talking to R, who is back from Jamaica and to Lonnie, who is exhausted as well.  i am going to sleep well, and i am going to the gym and to the grocery store tomorrow and i'm going to get this orbit moving with a bit more thrust in the days to come.

my observations today, i have not been logging food, and hence i've been eating off center.  there is a correlation between being responsive in my need to be honest and simply doing what 'feels right' at the moment.  i can't afford to fuck around like that, so i'm back to my logging in the morning.

I am talking to R, and she had a very eventful time in Jamaica.  i've not said that i missed her, though i said i missed hearing her voice.  she's not said she missed me, without any qualifiers. but that's okay, as she is talking to me and i'm not really sweating her at this moment.  also, as previously stated, she has to start paying to play on this board.  if she won't, then whoever has the coin will enter the game.

i talked to my mother about the feud she's having with her sister.  i talked about it in a roundabout fashion, to try to get her to think and see a way out rather than be accusatory.  accusing does nothing, but relating things about myself can sometimes give space to work one's own way out, i've found.

so, that's all i got for now.  i am going to get some water, finish this conversation with R and then go to bed.  thank you, Father, and i'm back in motion tomorrow.

Faith as the Fulcrum

...this was something that i put into a text with my child's mother this morning.  it is what i need to focus on as i go through this day, because i am in a bit of a bind, financially.  i needed to see it to know what the level was going to be, and seeing the level only makes me anxious, but i know things are going to work out.  i have faith.  i just have to apply it.  more on that in a bit.

i'll be going to the gym shortly.  i got up after a restful night's sleep.  i said my prayer and i came into the kitchen to get some coffee.  there were old roses in the trash, as i imagine Syd got pre-prom roses and decided to finally toss her old ones.  i took many of them and some old baby's breath from the trash and took pictures on a black sheet and designed a cover for a new story poem book, THE LAND OF EVOLON.  (i love the evolution of an idea from an inspiration)  i have to structure the verse sequence and outline the story, set the pentameter and then it's just writing it.

i started to get to the gym early but this isn't the most pressing day.  i have gym and counseling.  i have to take pictures of Syd and her friend in their prom clothes at Mill Creek.  that's about the extent of the day.  so i'm going to go do my weight machines and come home and get ready for counseling.  or i'll reverse the order and go to counseling and then the gym.  either way.

so, here's the deal.  i have less than 400 in both bank accounts at this moment.  i have paid rent, electric, gas and cable.  i've had insurance, car payment and loan payment taken out of the bank.  from my own disability, which is a grand and some change, i've got about 150 left.  from the SSI for syd there is about 220.  and the money just came in three days ago.  no groceries yet.  no phone payment for my phone.  less than half a tank of gas.  i've got credit cards, but that just means adding to monthly payments going out, and i'm not prepared to do that.  so there is a part of me that wants to panic.  but panic changes nothing for the better, and it's not really necessary.

i will get food in the house.  i'm going to clean out the freezer and fridge this weekend, and i'm going to get groceries as i haven't in months, so i know what i'm working with.  i hope that Felecia honors our agreement and pays me the rest of my money for my editing, which will add another 150 to the balance.  i have 110 in my paypal account, so that and phone will be paid from there.  but this will be a no frills month for sure.  and i have to accept that, i have to just accept that living life takes money and at least i have enough on hand for the roof to stay overhead and the lights to stay on and i am blessed in that respect.  like a lot of people, i tend to think in terms of how a  lot of money would resolve all my problems.  but that's not true.  a lot of money would create a lot more problems.  i have everything i need.  i am going to go into the kitchen and have breakfast.  i'm going to get dressed and go to counseling, and i'm going to the gym afterwards.  i will likely just pay my gym bill by hand so no withdrawal is made from my bank, but maybe not.  i just have to leave it alone.  i've let about 300 go so that Syd can get what she needs from the child support card, and i won't regret that.  taking the card back is not going to make things easier.  what i am going to do, however, is speak to a person at One Main and ask about them removing the lien against the Cavalier.  at the very least, if they do that i can remove the insurance from it and that will save a few dollars a month.  at the most, i can sell the car, and that would be ideal, it does me no good just sitting.  but we'll see.  that's it for now.

the pinch

there is some melancholy today.  its not the worst thing that i could feel.  i don't feel angry, i'm not depressed, i'm not sad.  it is a rainy gray thursday.  i have done the things that i needed to do and i am about to nap.  i feel melancholy.  i will be fine.

i got up and prayed and did the morning things.  took meds, insulin.  i had two eggs, sauteed ham and toast for breakfast.  i got my mental state back online after letting Syd's friend crash here as he was having issues with his mother and his home.  it was not a comfortable decision, but i know my parenting is never going to be taught in whatever passes for Home Ec these days.  i got to the gym before i did meds or breakfast, walked a little over a mile on the treadmill.  after breakfast i had some time so i laid back and fucked around online.  texted back and forth with a columbus friend that i've not talked to in some months, then i went to my doctor's appointment.

numbers were good, weight is coming down again, sugar is good, blood pressure good, A1C good.  doctor was concerned about the A1C being higher than last time, decided to increase my long acting slightly.  no big deal.  talked to Lonnie after i left doctor's office.  he's really down and we made lunch plans.  i went to the store and got stuff to make tuna casserole and a few other things.  shopping is going to have to wait til i get my gift certificate and 717 takes this car payment from my account so i can see what i'm working with.

but i got electric, cable and gas paid.  i've got half a tank of gas.  i've got money coming from Felecia for the editing job this weekend, or should anyway.  i've got a credit card from my bank should worst come to worst, and i am more than willing to accept any help i can get with groceries.  so i'm not complaining.  i feel melancholy.  i'm almost broke and it's five days into the month.  it's going to be a rough month.  but i won't be homeless.  i won't be in the dark.  i won't have to take cold baths and i'll at least have something to watch.  more than a lot of people.  and i'm grateful for that.

but, Father i am feeling the pinch.

sailing on E

the rain is matching my mid-level mood today.  i am in a bit of a funk, but it's not keeping me from moving forward with the things that i need to get done.  i'm writing this in the moments before i go to my last training class.  i have just eaten two dollar burritos from taco bell, because i haven't time to eat anything else and i haven't money to just toss around randomly.  but i will follow the established structure and move on from there.

said my prayers, lazed about, got up and saw Syd out the door, meds and insulin.  had breakfast, 2 eggs scrambled with peppers, onion, jalapenos, homefries and cheese, with a piece of toast.  a bit carb heavy but i took extra fast acting insulin to clear a pen and i didn't want to end up in a crash zone.  i lazed about some more and then took a shower, dressed and got paperwork needed for Lane funeral home.  I went to the bank and got their check then went to my meeting.  it was a good meeting, lots of people and not a bunch of drama.  but i still watch it playing out in different scenarios.  fortunately, they don't concern me.

my sponsor came to the meeting.  it was really good to see him up and about.  we talked after the meeting for a bit and then i went to my appointment with Lane.  I paid the money, got the paperwork and make my way back across town.  i called and talked to Lonnie on my way there and back about his and his daughter's trip to New York, and i got my aforementioned burritos before i came home.

Heather continues to try to contact me.  its getting to the point of irritation.  but i'm trying to remain patient.  i can't do anything to help her, and likely wouldn't even if i could, because she did hurt me and she did so deliberately, but also because i really have no reason to go backward.  i checked the charges they got her for.  driving without a license, parole violation stuff.  it looked like they've got her on a twenty four hundred dollar bail, which would be 240, but i'm not going to pay a hundred for anyone to get out of jail.  right about now, that includes Syd and possibly myself as well.  only because i am looking into a fear that i have to match with faith about my finances this month.

i've paid rent, i've gotten my cable bill reduced.  i have to pay electric, gas and cable.  they're going to take car payment, insurance, loan payment.  i still have to pay on paypal balance.  i feel like i'm forgetting something, but it will sadly come to me soon enough.  I asked FH, the woman I did the editing for, if she could pay me the remainder of my money and she said she would on Friday.  i trust her, and wouldn't have asked but i'm trying to get my ducks lined up.  i need groceries.  i have to eventually take my cavalier in to be worked on.  i have to get ready for Syd to be out of school for the summer.  i am tight like a noose as far as money this month.  but i do believe that it's a part of doing things better, getting ready for the future that is upon me.  I worked on the tracks for the Janice's Journal spot, but i see i'm going to need some help.  i have a endochrinologist appointment tomorrow and i have counseling on friday.  i have no idea what dinner is going to be.

yet, i'm not panicky.  i feel that i am doing things in a good way.  if i am broke, i will have a 40 gift card from walmart to get some food with.  i will have 110 that i can pay my phone with and my paypal bill and still have about forty left.  i have supplies.  i have enough money to pay the bills.  i will not give in to fear because i don't believe i'll have enough.  my God will make it enough.  always has, and i believe he always will.

so, that's the status right now.  when i know what's for dinner, i'll put that down here.  until then, gym tomorrow, Dr. DeRosa, and some tidying up.  laterz.

cut and paste

i should have written an update yesterday, but the day filled itself in as far as the blank spaces went, and i didn't get back to the details.  as i write this at 7am, my internet is out and i'm logging on Notepad, so i can just copy and paste later.

i am in a bit of a dim mood this morning.  i woke up with the realization my internet was out.  i only knew because my relaxation video from youtube had stopped and never started again after about an hour.  i went back to sleep and woke again with the 5am alarm.  still no internet.  i called time warner and the first thing i heard was that i have a bill due.  so that's going to be a battle this afternoon.  april was a month of bullshit and birthday, to be sure.

i said my prayer, got into my gym clothes and slowly made my way to the gym. since i walked the block yesterday, today was the weight machines, as per the current itinerary.  i did legs and arms, and i came home to find the internet, as mentioned, is still out.  i took my meds and my insulin, and now i'm writing.

yesterday, i had a stir-fry for lunch.  pork and beef, red,orange and green peppers, onion, mushrooms and snow pea pods, and rice.  i made it myself, seasoned with salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and curry.  for dinner i had the baked haddock, baked potato and broccoli and cheese.  the potato was massive, and very much more than i should have had, but i was angry because out of a small 5 pound bag of potatoes, all of them were bad except one, and i only bought them last week.  i cut the end off a second one, because i couldn't see getting only one potato out of a whole bag.  and so i have a baked potato that will go for something today.

my schedule today is incredibly expensive.  i have to get my plates, pay rent, get the rest of the house supplies.  i have to check my paperwork to get the check amount to take to Lane funeral home so I can get started with my 'endlife arrangements'.  seems there's no comfortable way to say it, so i'm going to stop with the fucking euphemisms and just start saying 'death plans'.  it's simpler and true.

i will have a new car payment coming out, less than a hundred but still.  i will have higher insurance as the Cavalier is still under full coverage due to the loan i took out with the car as a lien.  i'm going to call them this week and have them get that car off, one way or another.  and i still have bills to pay.  plus Syd's prom is this week, and though she has the child support card, i will help her out as much as i can.

and as expensive as it is, i wouldn't change it.  i am doing what everyone else has done, what ever adult who was a kid with me has done at one time or another.  if you stop and look, you see that this is what it means to live in this world, this is what it means to be responsible, and this is what it means to have grown up.  most people, i guess, don't have to analyze their state of maturity, but as an addict and an alcoholic, as one who has struggled so long with depression, it is important for me to remember that i am on a journey and it has scenery that changes as i progress.

i have no idea what meals are today.  i'm thinking just eggs and toast for breakfast, but that might change.  i'll log meals when i truly know what they're going to be.

i am grateful to Jehovah God for everything that we have, all that we've been able to do, the distance we've gone and the journey ahead.  it is all, and has all been, an amazing blessing.

oh, one last update.  R called yesterday and apologized.  she said she was being 'hypersensitive' and hadn't been unable to read objectively being that the story was about her.  i log that because it is significant.  i don't believe, in the time that we've been in proximity to each other, that she has ever said, without prompting, that she was wrong.  i again thank God for what He shows me is in my best interest, which is to keep on the course.

it is cold as fuck today.  like, i can't get warm for shit.  but i am going to not worry about it by staying under my comforter as soon as i finish this entry.

so, the internet is back on, got a reduced bill and reduced billing.  that's good, but i'm still going to seriously think about getting rid of this shit this month.  no point having something that is not doing what i need it to do.

i have ate way more than i should have today.  breakfast was three scrambled eggs (back to two eggs tomorrow) with peppers, onions and rice and a piece of toast.  I've ate two burritos from taco bell that Syd and Jo left in the microwave, one after breakfast and one after lunch.  i had a burger, mashed potatoes and a salad for lunch.  i am going to have baked fish and the broccoli and cheese if i have dinner.

got rent paid, got the bci done for HH, got supplies.  got my coffee can full, huzzah!  but they didn't have any other interesting flavors, so i only got the staple.  going to get some more beans tomorrow, i think.

an interesting aside.  i have spoken about my mishap of the previous summer, wherein i attempted to love someone from my past and helped them out of an incarceration situation, only to have them split once they were out and me having to patch my heart back together?  well, the person called me.  fuck that 'the person' bullshit, they get no anonymity here.  her name is Heather, and she decided to use me to get out of jail.  now she's back in jail and she's called me.  asking, of course, for help getting out.  i told her i couldn't help her.  she asked if i would put money on her phone, and i told her i'd try but i won't.  she told me she loved me and whatever, i told her i know.  because i know she thinks she does.  but she didn't hear me because whatever time she had on her phone was gone and she got disconnected.  so there is karma in the universe.  i'm not gloating.  i hate that she's still trying to find ways around the established rules and i would think the motherfucker she dipped on me with should be the one getting the calls.  but that's life in a small town.  okay, that's it for real.  thank you, Father, for keeping me and us safe.

wobbly

it's a rough day today.

i thought i would be able to muscle through, emotionally and mentally, but such is not the case.  but the orbit is still intact, and after i scribe here, i'm going to make some moves to hit the thrusters, or at least the impulse engines, and get it moving again.

i got up and said my prayers, but i slept with a heavy heart.  R is gone by now, to her vacation, and i am feeling not the missing due to her leaving the country but the sadness and anger from her last statements about the book.  i sat at my computer, working on the last pieces for a new poetry collection entitled SOCIOPATHETIC, which has nothing to do with the current state of existence i'm in, though it sounds as if it did.  it was a title chosen in march, so it could be considered precognitive if anything.  but i finished it, 20 pieces in 2 days, cover and foreword, and got it on Kindle waiting for approval.  saw Syd off for school, tried to lay a vocal track but still not getting the levels i need.  so i ate breakfast.  3 eggs scrambled with jalapenos and cheddar, and a biscuit.  started to eat two biscuits, but thought better of it, which is how i know i'm still orbiting.  i got back in my bed and fucked around on FB for far too long, and now its time to get in motion.

so, let's inventory.  let's find some gratitude, shall we?

including the aforementioned book, i've got 5 books currently on the market.  i've got two more books in the can.  seven novels, is what i'm saying.  i've got 9 poetry collections, including the one that is live that i uploaded today.  i've got a screenplay sitting in my google docs cloud.  i am working on doing audio and video advertising, which can be spread via uploading, reblogging or just on youtube.  i've got ads in free space internet ad pages.  i am doing what i am supposed to do for my publishing.
i just got a car. i get the plates tomorrow.  i've got another car that i will be getting worked on soon.  i've got arrangements to start my final plans for my death.  i've got three credit cards, one through my bank.  i've got a job starting in july.  my child is dating a boy she seems to like a lot.  i've got both my parents, all my brothers and sisters still alive and i'm 27 and a half years sober and just past 48 years old.
i have a couple of friends i can count on to the death.  i'm of sound mind.  my creativity is doing much better than my libido.  and i have a roof over my head, clean clothes, haddock to bake for dinner.  my money will be in in the morning.
my friend, R, whom i love and will continue to love, has attempted to tear into me because i wrote a book about our relationship, and likely the real reason for the attack was that it hit far closer to her home than she was comfortable with.
the scale, in writing, is tipped heavily in favor of me getting up off my ass and doing something constructive.
that comes from TOTI, the brains of this operation.
so, we're re-setting course for the gym.  we're going to get our walk in.  we're going to get lunch in.  we're going to work on that vocal.  i've got to go to HH to do the third day of training today.  i am abundantly blessed and i am grateful for that blessing.  and i hope R has a great vacation.

it's time to let her go.  if she wants something with me, it's time for her to ante up.  she can't play for free anymore.

and i'm done with this for the day.

well, guess i'm not done.  decided to just take my ass out of my house for a walk rather than the gym.  did about a mile, i'm going to drive it off to check when i go to the training this evening.  but i feel better having gone.  going to figure lunch and then catch a bath.

bad vibes, 4/30 to 5/1

sorry, i got off track yesterday, for productive reasons, but also because i put myself in a space again that i am sincerely hoping is the last time.  i'll get to that, but first i have to update yesterday, and i'll catch everything up to about twenty after ten in the morning on May first.

so, i got up and i felt very out of sorts yesterday.  friday, i had went and had a copy of THE GIRL IN THE GLASS printed just as something that R could read in physical form as she has no internet at this time.  as an artist, a poet, a writer, i am very apprehensive about how people take my work, especially the first person to read it.  and when that person happens to be the other protagonist in the work, its especially daunting.  but i wanted her to read it.  i did, in fact, 75 percent write it for her, to try to show her that this is what i felt, this is where i am at in regard to her.  i won't say it was a mistake.  i will say that i think i've found the antidote to the overwhelming need that i've had to pursue one woman for a decade.  i think i'm done with that pursuit.
for starters, it was a comment about how i wrote her in my own voice.  but the entire book is narrative.  like, there's about two or three moments of dialog written in the book.  i love narrative.  i can write dialog, i can write conversation.  but a story will carry itself on the narrative if its done right.  it's my style.  so there was that, and that was on friday.  saturday, there was accusation of me being arrogant, which may be true, i wouldn't doubt it, and in the most nerve grating tone relating how my writing of her was about how she knew nothing, was basically a small town bumpkin and i was trying to 'save' and 'educate' her about my big city ways.  and that wasn't it at all.  and it hurt.  sincerely.  because i've tried to do everything i can to convey how i feel about her.  and in honesty, i don't believe that's really the take she has on it.  i do believe, however, that this is the distance that she's going to maintain from the project.  she didn't say anything about the events that i conveyed as to what she's gone through in her life.  she didn't say anything about the accuracy of the story.  she definitely didn't say anything about the quality of the writing.
our 'relationship', such as it is, is mostly about what is NOT done, and trying to glean the reasons, through nuances and gestures, about why those things are not done.  questions aren't answered, so they cease being asked.  R remains, after all this time, a cornered creature, and I continue on in the role of a threat.  but i choose to no longer be that.  i have too much to do.  i wish i had someone in my corner to help me do these things, but if i don't, then i have to do them by myself because they must be done.  so i am going to consider,once i get this marketing thing down pat, upgrading the story, or at least posting a disclaimer as to her dissatisfaction, but it represents the second installment in my life story and i'm going to publish it.

but as you can see, i'm angry, i'm hurting and i really want to lash out at something.  and that's not healthy.

i got up yesterday and had a frittata for breakfast.  it had diced ham, onions and peppers, potatoes and swiss and monterey jack cheese.  i had half for breakfast and half for lunch.  no biscuit at lunch.  i had a ham and salami sandwich with cheese on wheat at my mother's house.  i had a beef and cheese pastallilo and a dozen garlic parmesan wing dings for dinner.  i had a slice of sweet potato pie before bed.  it was more food than i should have had, but i was eating out of emotions that were negative and i knew it.  i will do better today.
i cleaned my house properly yesterday, and i washed and dried my clothes at my parent's house.  i visited with my younger brother who was there.  i washed and dried my dad's socks for him and plunged my mother's toilet.
my conversation with R about my 'arrogance' took place once i got home, and ended with not much enthusiasm, great amounts of silence and i have no real desire to speak to her right now.  but i will say, after taking my work, turning it into a personal attack, she told me 'don't be so sensitive, i'm still reading it', which means not one fucking thing and just goes to show me she knew exactly what effect she was trying to elicit in me.  i hope it was satisfying for her.

last night i did a commercial for z-phyles publishing.  i am looking at what i have to do in order to stop myself from simmering in poison right now.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usncwwrPe18 is the link, to whomever wants to see it.  i am working on trying to get my brand out into the world, getting the website past just facebook, and increasing my sales.  i know nothing about this, but this information is somewhere in my brain so i'm going to let my brain, let toti, show me the way.

today, i woke up slowly.  i didn't really want to get up, but i'm up.  i said my prayers.  i got out of the bed.  i took my insulin and my pills.  i had breakfast.  bacon and eggs and a biscuit.  the biscuits are leftover from breakfast i made for a friend last week, week and a half maybe, and i don't want to waste them.  i am clueless as to lunch.  i plan on baked haddock, baked potato and broccoli and cheese for dinner.  i am going to write some poetry for a new collection entitled SOCIOPATHETIC, and i'm going to write a spot for two books and work out the commercials for them.  i'm going to list everything I have to get done this week and I'm going to start working on just getting lists cleared.  i have to just focus away from things and people that aren't going to help me move forward.  it makes me sad.  i do love R, but like Tina said, what's love got to do with it?  it helps to have learned to see love as just one more emotion, to be had and acted despite rather than because of.  but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  i'm pretty sure that's the whole deal today.  i'll write more later.