it would surprise most people, i believe, to realize how much time their mind devotes to yesterday. it gets to the point where it would be a true distraction for a person, to just have the old tapes replaying, over and over again, like being trapped in a movie theater, like groundhog day. it would be disturbing at the least, and likely maddening in some way.
it is for me. i can admit that.
my gout has been acting up. thankfully, the medication i take has been keeping it somewhat manageable. but that's not quite getting it. i have to work with this pain that wants to blossom full out. it's been awhile, though, i have to admit. some of these changes must be working, as i have been feeling okay up til two days ago. but i can't stop, that's the thing. i realize i have been blessed with this job; i didn't go to the Tru-Green interview today. again, the Process of the Program, where i can reflect forward and see what i would lose in gaining that job; time with my parents, the loss of a comfortable work level, travel further than i have to go now, loss of my Wednesday meeting completely. it wouldn't be worth it. can't trade up and down at the same time. not to mention i told a lie and said i was proficient with Excel, and if something is a blessing you don't need to lie to get it, and if you lie, is it really a blessing?
so, i worked today. not hard, not bad, just a day. i was better in the AM than i was in the afternoon. by the time i left my parent's house i knew i was in a flare up again, or continuing. and i was far away from any meds that might have helped.
two things today, that stick in my mind. one is my mom has not been feeling well, but hasn't said anything about it until she got sick today. she does that now, suffers in silence. i worry, but not overmuch, because that's such a choice for her. my dad is at the doctor if he sneezes differently from day to day. my mom has to have a falling out before she'll consider the need for a doctor. and they used to be the exact opposite of that.
second thing was, one of the clients, who i talk to every day and who is slowly teaching me his form of sign language, was really worried about my legs (ankles, actually) hurting today. it really bothered him. and that was the most touching thing i've experienced in a bit of a while. he can't even completely comprehend what i'm going through, but he has empathy because we're friends now. why can't the so-called 'normal' people get that?
i have finished my day. now i'm going to get groomed and showered and get my medicated ass to bed. Thank you, Jehovah, for the strength to work through the pain.
the Dining Room
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