Opening Up...

people will ask for a smile, because it makes them more comfortable.  and you can give it to them, and they will, in the age of overexposure for the individual and self-idolatry, gush and moan in orgiastic glee over you humoring them with an upturning of your lips.

this is true.

but the smile isn't.

i am not smiling.  it is a rare thing for me again.  oh, not that i'm not ever happy.  i know what happiness is.  i can give you the textbook definition of it.  a state of well-being and contentment is the definition of happiness.  for myself, i would stay along those lines.  feeling cared for and about, needs being met and the realization of my good position in my own life defines my happiness.  and in that sense, the picture is not a lie, because i do have and recognize those things. 

but in another way, i am hollow still.  and nothing seems to be changing that.  and i don't know if i want to continue on with a void where my heart used to be.

if it sounds ungrateful, it probably is.

i got up today in a big bed.  i said my prayers, went to the bathroom that was not leaking from the ceiling, turned on the electric coffee maker because the electric is on, took my medicine that keeps me balanced health-wise, read from scripture and from my sobriety meditation books.  i had breakfast because i have food in my fridge.  i went to a meeting at one o'clock in the afternoon because i have a car with gas in it.  i visited my mother, came back home, had a friend over and am now in the preparation process for work tomorrow, the job i've been blessed with.  those are just some of the blessings i'm aware of, and only a teaspoon of the blessings that i've received today. 

i miss Rachel.  i do.  i miss her conversation, her presence, her body.  i miss her smile and the cadence of her voice when she speaks. 

i miss having friends come by and eat from my pots and drink coffee from my counter, making music and art and philosophy just because.

i miss having a family.  i miss Syd being in my life, and i miss De'ja and i miss being their father actively. 

i have crossed so many burning bridges.  some of them i set afire...but not all of them.  but i've crossed so many of them...

i don't know how to fill this space.  i don't know how to stop feeling so...hollow.

but i know i've made it known, in more than one format.  and if no one can respond, then i'll have to decide for myself what would be the best course of action. 

and yes, i know it sounds ungrateful. 

i am grateful, though.  i am blessed, extremely so, and thank Jehovah for what i've got, and what i don't have.

but i have feelings, and if i don't express them, then i'll be as false as the smile in the picture. and i have to live with me, so i choose to live truth.