Space in my Mind

old sleep, in the parent's attic.  i miss those days, though they weren't exactly enjoyable.  but still, i miss them, i miss all that they contained.  i miss the days before that, when i was in my apartment and Rachel was in my life, and Syd was still in high school.  i miss spending time with friends, i miss cooking for people and i miss having a space that looked like my mind.

i guess this space does look like my mind, but it doesn't say much for my state of mind at this point.

a niece had a baby in a bathtub today, not intentionally, i guess.  my brother is still not right from the fall he took at my parent's house.  Syd answers the phone sporadically at best.  if i decide i'm only going to answer her calls when i feel like it, will she get the point?  probably not.

i am not complaining, mind you.  i'm just logging the day today.  things get into my mind, run around as if they have license to roam through my brain.  it becomes necessary to get them out, to clean the circuits from time to time.

i see my father in his loft (upstairs), dressed in some strange kind of pajama thing with a rope tied around the waist to keep the pants (?) up, as he has lost so much weight, worrying about what will eventually lay him low.  my mother worries incessantly about her children and any number of other things she simply cannot change.  nothing to be done about that.  i think about my oldest brother, Rick, and wonder if we can ever have peace between us, what would it take for that to happen, and would it mean anything to me if it did?  were i to relent, it would be only for the sake of the parents, but it would come with a host of other baggage with it, and i have enough of my own to not lug someone else's around as well.

today i did okay, save for the consumption of the Evil Brownie.  prayers and readings and oatmeal for breakfast.  medications and work and parental visitation and a day that went smoothly from start to finish.  responsible eating for dinner and now i'm ready to try to get a good night's sleep.

but i have things on my mind, and i wish Rachel was still in my life.

i am grateful, though.  new great nephew in the world, contact of some sort or other with my children and a crock pot of white chili beginning it's process of being born.  thank you, Father, for all the provisions.