Lead Tonight

I imagine i'll take this down by the end of the week.  gonna do a different storyboard, reshoot it, edit the music down some.  but i got tired of waiting, to see my thoughts, my ideas made real through effort.  it's what it's about, creating and making things.  and i am trying to get my hand back in it, working on my stuff and bringing some creativity back to the routine of my life.  it's going to work.  i believe it. but nothing gets seen by hiding it under a pile of clothes.  

today i had a good day.  i got up about quarter to four, said my prayer and got into the kitchen.  i read my meditation books, took my meds, read my scriptures while i worked on my breakfast.  i ate, got my stuff together, got dressed and got it moving.  i set up the one lamp this morning, and i'm glad i did.  nice change of the scenery with a floor lamp doing its thing.

i went to work.  had a sub driver today, so there was some chaos with one of our stops, but nothing that made the world end.  i went to my parent's house at break, made mom coffee, changed my dad's light bulb, washed the dishes.  they had enough spaghetti left for tonight so i cooked nothing else, not knowing if my mom's stomach was really holding things down.  i went to K'nafa and had a beef shawarma and a lebanese salad, and then i went back to work.

the afternoon went much smoother, as it usually does, and i left as soon as i got back to the shop.  i've taken my shower and shaved, and i'm pondering dinner.  i have to speak at a meeting tonight, same location as the last lead i gave but different night.  it's an 830 meeting, and it cuts severely into my sleep time and my prep time for tomorrow, so i got the latter done already.  Lonnie expressed some surprise that i didn't say 'No'.  to be honest, i could have.  i've been thinking about it.  when he first asked me, i'd made no preparations and said no because the spur of the moment thing meant i'd have been rushing.  i try not to do that anymore.  with advance notice, i have time to get things together at a leisurely pace, and that works for me.  as well, i just have to remember, every day, this sobriety is not guaranteed, it is not a gift.  it is a GRANT, and it is maintained by my willingness to stay physically active and growing.  to give away what i've been blessed with by way of experience, strength and hope.  if i have no good reason to not speak, i speak.  i believe that is the payment for the blessings we receive; the things we do out of gratitude for God's presence and the abundance of His vigilance in our lives.  that's what i believe, anyway.  so i'm going to do it. and i'm glad to be able to, and i thank Jehovah for the opportuinty to share what he's given to me.  i'm going to nap now.  

HOME Becomes

a lamp in the living room. 

does it mean anything to anyone who might read this?  depends on how much you've read, how far along you'd come with me so far.  could mean nothing.  but to me, it's quite awesome. 

i was given four lamps yesterday by the Boss.  just out of the blue, she asked if i might need any lamps.  she hates throwing things away. 

my lamps, the ones i got from the yard sale with RF so long ago, are in my father's basement.  i could retrieve them, but i'm not, because he got them from my discarded stuff, and they are his by dint of that.  they are, i guess, a reminder of my questionable decision-making of last year, right around this time, in fact. 

a year...how much has changed...

i didn't journal yesterday.  i was quite exhausted, it was a long day fueled by a night of very short sleep.  the day went well enough, but by the time it was over, so was i.

i got up on Monday, struggling to be awake.  i only had half a cup of coffee, i was so tired.  i read and prayed, i ate and medicated, and i got myself dressed and out the door.  i believe, because i spent most of Saturday in bed, it messed up my Sunday night sleep.  but that happens sometimes. 

i got to work, things went well in the course of the day, me and the Boss got along without incident.  i went to my parent's house between run times and napped a bit, talked with both my mom and dad and made myself a hamburger for lunch.  the day finished as easy as it started, which was good, as my mom had sent me a text, asking me to call when i was done working as she needed my help. 

i went by, she is still not feeling well and asked if i could do dinner for her, which i did.  i made them meatballs and sauce, an accompanying spaghetti and peas.  i checked to make sure they were okay, and i made my way home.

my plan had been to get in, place the lamps, take a shower and make myself something fresh for dinner, but since i had to tend to my parents, the lamps were just brought in and set down, the dinner was leftovers and the shower didn't happen.

and that's perfectly okay for today.

my plans, even when they're not selfish, are always under revision when i'm working a 3rd Step. (made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God)

so, as with today, i can only say in truth, 'May YOUR will be done', and keep it moving.

i slept well last night, i have started the new day, and i'm going to update the Dining Room and get back to being ready to leave.  thank you, Father, for allowing me to keep track. 

Semi-Restoration

sunday is winding down now.  the day has been restful, and i am very appreciative of that.  it is, i believe, what i've been needing.

i got up still in the 4am zone, about 420 i think.  i said my prayer, on my knees, and i moved slowly toward the coffee and water in the kitchen.  i didn't eat right away, took time to read more of the bible, read all 4 of my meditation books.  i took my medications, and decided i needed to clean my kitchen.  the picture is of the art given to my by my dear friend, Rebecca Michetti, who has a site on FB called Wire Nut, she does wire art and sells it and it is worth checking out.

anyway, i cleaned my kitchen, swept and mopped the floor, mopped the bathroom floor.  i mended my coat pockets (AGAIN) and washed the coat with a few other items.  as i waited for them to dry, i decided to have the rest of my chicken salad.  i started watching 'Angels with Dirty Faces', but couldn't get all the way into it.

after the clothes dried, i brought them upstairs and got them folded.  then i went to my meeting.  it was short, but i was glad to be around my sober friends.  i went to the stores after that, got some groceries i'd been needing.  i came home, started on my dinner and that's where i'm at now.

I've talked to Yvette today, but that didn't go well.  i am not really sure how to deal with her.  i know there should be some consideration of what's going on with her, but i have not lived the last 20 years lying to people or trying to put sugar on shit to make it more palatable, and i don't intend to start doing that at the end of someone's days.  regardless, i'll be the friend i am permitted to be.  the best friend i can be.  and like in so many other instances, if it is not sufficient, life goes on.

i talked to TP and have to make sure i contact her on Friday, so we can hang out for a bit after she gets off work.

i'm tired, but i'm going to eat, wash my dishes, have my shower and shave and then i'll shut it down.  gonna be a long day tomorrow, another inservice.  but i'm grateful to Jehovah, back doesn't hurt as much, and i did rest yesterday and feel the results today.  that's enough for now.

The Dining Room

Exhaustion, Cont.

this has been a hard day to get through, so many reasons, so many ways.  i think i've got a touch of flu, but it's not blossoming, and i can't really treat it until it does.  and it may not even be that.  but between the backache and the inability to wake up fully, it's been a tough, tough day to get through.  mercifully, it's over.  and now, surprise surprise, i can't sleep.

i got up early, like a normal day.  i don't know why, but at least i know i'm back on track from the extended weekend.  i moved through the morning slowly, and i weighed the  notion of going to the basketball game in Niles.  i like keeping my word, and i like being a person whose word has gravity.  but i was hurting.  still, i had breakfast, read my meditations (i think) and my bible (i'm sure) and i took my medicines, and i decided i might as well go.  i got my clothes dried and put away, and i kept it moving. 

i did go to the game, which was fun, and i went to Ollie's which was a chore in the freezing rain.  and i wore my vest and not my coat, which needs to be repaired again.  after that, i went to my parent's house, helped my dad with an email and something else, and then i came back home.  i'd wanted to go to the grocery store, but my energy reserved were depleted by that point.  anyway, i've been home in bed for the most part since then, nodding off and on.  i'm hot, sweating, i have been pissing the entire day.  i've eaten a bit of this and that, and i feel weak.  but i have things to do tomorrow and have to gather my strength to get them done. 

i am thankful to my Father that i could keep my word, and i'm blessed to be able to keep moving for now. 

Some Kind of Exhaustion...

i don't know what the problem is. 

last couple of nights, i've been so tired i haven't been writing in the Journey.  i mean, i come in from work, manage to get dinner in me, force myself to groom for the next day and then i pass out.  joints aching and my back has been feeling bad for the past two days.  have to make sure i'm not incubating a flu, cause that would suck mightily.  oh, well, let's catch up...

nothing much to report.  yesterday began as usual, except the back pain and the exhaustion.  though, to be fair, neither of those are truly new experiences either.  regardless, prayers, meds, readings and breakfast got me out the door and on my way to work.

the Boss finally opened up, a friend's mom who was like a mother to her died over last weekend, and it had her very broken up.  plus, a lot of sickness, a lot of bad news, spirits moving lately.  i've felt that as well.  i listened, and i commiserated, all i could do.  she only worked the first half of the day, but the 2nd half went smoothly as well. 

the scary thing was being so tired.  i was nodding on my way to work, literally had to scream in the car to keep myself awake.  i was nodding on my way to counseling; came all the way to and found myself drifting toward the business end of a guard rail.  so i went to counseling and then went to the parent's house to nap.  got the things for our client's birthday, got my mom some soup and both parents fish sandwiches and got back to work to finish it out. 

was expecting company for dinner, but that didn't happen and i was not broken up about it, as i was still in pain.  i made my dinner, simple fare, and i laid down and somehow passed out.  Yvette called me about 9pm and i came out of sleep as if from a deep, dark well.  then i came out of that well again at 11pm, called Keith and was gone til 4 in the morning. 

so, that's it up til now.  i'm going to get dressed and go to a basketball game at Fairhaven, since i said i would and i think i feel good enough to accomplish that.  i thank Jehovah for moving me along thus far. 

Progress, not Perfection

well, i didn't write yesterday.  that's because my back is starting to give.  it's been a minute, so i'm not complaining and i'm already working on it.  have to, have greater things to do now, have to be able to keep moving.  but, can't be unreaonable either.  back's gonna do what it's going to do.  let's get yesterday in and done.

so i got up, around what time it is now, which means now i'm up an hour early.  i tried to lay back, which i managed, but i was grateful for waking up as i found my alarm was somehow unset.  same alarm since i started working, only changing it once from 445 to 4am, because the first time wasn't working.  

i got up after praying, put on coffee, read and took meds and ate breakfast.  i had finished my video for 'Everytime' and i loaded it onto my drive so i could access it anywhere.  i left the house about 530, little later, and still got to work at six.  

workday was better today, but the weirdness remains.  she's not talking about her loss, the Boss is not, but she's trying to act normal.  it is showing though, her act in the whole thing. but i played along.  i didn't try to talk to her any more than she talked first, didn't try to get her to talk about her shit.  we got through the day.

had lunch with Syd.  same old problems, same old shit.  she and Joe, dysfunctional and a baby on the way.  problems that are growing.  bad decisions.  i keep them in my prayers, and i thank God that at least i was in my 30's before the responsibility of my 'bad decision' was placed upon me.  Syd is not a bad anything to me, but i spent a lot of years making impulse decisions, as she does now, and she is going to have it harder than i did.  i hate that, and can do nothing about it.  

my mom's still not feeling well, she's not eating much.  my dad seems to be himself.  i went there after lunch to nap, took them a fish sandwich each, saw my brother who's still pushing too hard (in my observation) and went back to install the printer my dad just bought after work.  that's why i got home late.

when i got back here, i got dinner started so i could groom for this day, and i cleaned my kitchen and took some things to start working on my back.  

i'll be getting up in about an hour, get this day started.  it's cool;  last work day.  just have to try to do what i can to get through it, and then two days off.  

thank you, Father, for a full day.  

A Day in Hell

it's something to know when you wake up that the day will likely be a taxing experience.  there's nothing you can do about it.  oh, you can decide to wuss out, to bail on the day, damn the consequences and torpedoes.  but when you get to a certain station in life, a certain AGE, if you will, that's not really an option anymore.  so you take the bit between your teeth (or gums) and you just ride on into it.  and sometimes, some rare times, you're disappointed and it turns out to be an okay day.  but you usually know what it is that is going to color your day a murky shit-brown before you even put your feet on the floor. it's usually carry-over from the previous day, and it's not really your shit, it just keeps getting flung at you.  and on those days when you're right...there's not enough self-reflection to create a sense of okay-ness with it all.  

that's what today was.  but the day is almost over and i'm okay with it...now.

anyway, the day started off with that in my head. i'm pretty sure that's what shorted my sleep.  but i got through the night, got up with a busted prayer, and got the day started.  i read two of my meditation books, read from Psalms, had breakfast, took meds and got it in gear to get to work. it was a nice day, 66 degrees in the morning, but that wasn't going to last so i wore my coat out.  by the time work actually started, i knew i was right.

there are people in the world who are quiet crazy.  they do things that let you know they are nuts, but they tend to act as if they don't do those things.  my dad used to be like that.  he'd beat the hell out of you for punishment, then ask you about the baseball game.  used to piss me off, like it trivialized the fact that i just got my ass beat or something.  my driver, the Boss, is sort of like that.  i know she has had a serious loss in her family, still don't know who or what happened or anything.  but i know it's close enough that she's acting like a squirrel on helium.  so getting through the first part of the day was a challenge.  then we had the dog and pony show, which was the inservice meeting, to talk about things that require only a memo for each person to read and adhere to.  then i did the noon CA meeting, after buying my lunch.

the meeting was okay, and then it was back to work.  but i had a sense of dread going back, as if i really and truly did not wish to be there.  not with my driver going through her shit and having a funky attitude as a result of it.  and the worst part was i was not able to remain truly objective.  i knew she was going through shit.  i should have been able to remember that and just keep it moving.  but she got nitpicky, and it made for a long, long trip.  by the end of the day, we had got somewhere near the same chapter in the book, if not the same page, and that was all i could really take from the experience.

now home, i made a pot of homemade soup, had a bowl with the last of the meatloaf and am about to try to put this video together again from scratch.  we'll see if i do a better job today.  regardless, i'm hoping, truly praying, that tomorrow is a better work day.  but either way, i thank Jehovah for the work, and for the day.  that's the deal.  

so, another day ends.  a sad day, a solemn day in ways i can't go heavily into, as i don't have many details, but another day regardless.  and i am starting the process of moving forward, and that is always a good thing.  but i have to move it along, as i have to get things done for work tomorrow.

i didn't log food at The Dining Room yesterday because my eating was all out of kilter.  road food, i guess.  i'm going to log it today, but i have to mention that.  it was a bit of an evasive maneuver, not for any good reason either.  but now i have had a better day, i'm home, i'm fed and about to update.

so the day started a bit early.  i don't know why i couldn't stay asleep.  i slept well but shorter than i needed to. still, i had planned to shower and shave this morning, so the early start helped. 

i got up and took meds, realizing that i had some meds still in the trunk from my trip.  i also have insulin to retrieve from my parent's fridge.  i had my shower and shave, had breakfast, got myself together and got to work.  it was a warm morning and a fairly hot day. 

the morning runs were silence, as DB, the driver on my vehicle (hitherto to be referred to as 'Boss') had a death in her family over the weekend.  she didn't talk to me about it, i heard her mention it to one of the client's mothers.  i gave her my condolences once the bus was empty, and i went to my parent's house. 

i talked to my mom about calling her doctor as she was still not feeling well, which she got an attitude about but she eventually did call.  i recertified one of my dad's licenses and he ordered a printer for their house which i helped him do online at Walmart.  then i went to get some lunch and went back to work.  the Boss and i got our bus cleaned out before we finished the runs, and then the day was done. 

after work i went to Walmart to get dinner stuff.  i came home, took my shower for tomorrow and got my dinner cooked.  i am now about to work on the 'Phone' video for the first time.  i have enough material to get it done, i should anyway.  and it's time, time to start thinking about what all this is for, time to remember what i am and what i really do.  nothing wrong with work, of course.  nothing wrong  with it at all.  but i have to get my books out and sold, and i have to remember that the goal is to help others find their way to a creativity foundation, especially young children who are constantly being taught that it's not cool to think and create and dream, but only cool to play sports or sling dope or be whorish.  time to get back to allowing people to access their Z, should they choose. 

i am blessed to be able to start.  i'm blessed with life today and i thank Jehovah for my life and my day. 

HOME

nothing profound, but a processing of data is in order.  it's almost 8pm, i've been back in Youngstown since about 11am.  it was one hell of a ride home, and i'm glad to be back.  not like the last time, when i was immersed in misery fluid and needed to get it off me as quickly as i could.  this time, it's more like i'm ready to get back to my life, such as it is, and grateful that i have the opportunity to do so. 

so, this morning.  i woke up earlier than i should have, and couldn't get back to bed.  i prayed, decided i'd have some oatmeal and just drowse for a bit, in and out as it were.  i took meds, watched the Twilight Zone, slowly got my stuff packed up.  until the moment i left i was not prepared to leave mentally.  i thought about seeing if Vera was at work, but i didn't want to just go sit around the shop.  i hadn't heard from Keith, De'Ja was working and i had nowhere really to go.  so since i was at 161, the mouth of the city off the highway, i decided to hit the trail. 

i gathered everything, got my car loaded, turned in the key cards and went to breakfast at the Waffle House.  coffee was lukewarm, food was not great.  what i remember.  after that, i gassed up and got it rolling.  and that's where the fun started.

it was RAINING...lemme tellya.  it was a helluva rain, just coming down.  it wasn't like a storm rain, though there was some flash lightning.  it was more like a constant, heavy drizzle that immersed everything.  and the trucks passing just trebled the lack of visibility.  so i was terrified, as i hate driving in the rain, but i made better time than usual, because i was busy trying to get around all the spraying vehicles and trying to get wherever the weather would clear up.  that happened mostly around Akron, but it's still raining and still pretty sodden outside.

anyway, i made it home.  i went to my parent's house, talked to my mom, fixed her a breakfast sandwich and came home.  i have been here since just after noon, i'd say.  didn't do much coming home.  put some clothes and groceries away, had lunch, napped, boring shit.  but shit i was glad to be in my house to do. 

work tomorrow, i'm glad about that too.  and maybe i can go a bit more in depth at that point, but for now, i'm going to shut it down and get ready for the new day.  thank you, Father.  it has been a trip. 

Reflection and Realization

Another day done. Winding down time til I split. I'm sleepy, I am satisfied, I am trying to tie it all up in my head.

So I woke up about 5 but I started the day slow. I prayed on my knees, comforting. I waited until I felt motivated so I could check the continental breakfast, which didn’t get me excited. I had De'ja's burger and an orange instead, and set out to enjoy the day.
What I got done was visiting with Chris and Porsha and London, finding incense and a small gift for Syd, having dinner with De'ja and getting some film for the video.
I didn't talk to Keith, didn't hear from Yvette.  I didn’t do any stressful shit. I napped, ate and relaxed. I imagine that'she what the day was meant to be, as that's what happened. Don't know when i'll be on the road, but I thank my Father for the time.

Semi-Home

Sometimes you have to wait for the words to come, and sometimes you have to just open your mouth and push them until they start to flow. This was one of those days, but i'm not sure which just now.

Did I pray this morning? I think so, but I don't recall. I know I took my meds at Denny's, I know most of my visit with Yvette was just reiterating the same as usual things. I know De'ja finally saw Yvette. I know my room is kinda cool. I know my son is miserable and an amazing cook. I know I am okay at the moment.
But I don'the know if any of the words got thru. I don'the know if anything's really gonna be okay. I only know that if I prayed (and I did at Denny's) then I was just trying to be of service. And I thank God for that.

Keep It Simple...

Perspective. Important to know what you're looking at, because it might not be what your eyes are picking up. A house chandelier and ceiling fan lights look elegant with the right camera phone at the right angle. That's life and nature. It is how things go. And human existence is full of examples of people looking right at something and not seeing what's in front of their faces.
I woke after a good sleep, said my prayer, had coffee and water, took meds and read and got my stuff packed. I went to work, a quiet but quick morning. Counseling was cool, the parents are doing okay, my Brother has the key he asked for and his white chili and so do my parents. I finished work, stopped for an espresso double shot in a can, water and pork rinds and got on the road. Check engine light came on around Rootstown but I filled the coolant reservoir and kept going.
I'm at Keith and Ronda's now. Had dinner, lots of conversation and am about to fold myself up for sleep. Tomorrow i'll be in a motel room and that will be that.
I made it, and I truly thank Jehovah for getting me here. I am abundantly blessed.

Working Through the Pain

so much lives in memory. 
it would surprise most people, i believe, to realize how much time their mind devotes to yesterday.  it gets to the point where it would be a true distraction for a person, to just have the old tapes replaying, over and over again, like being trapped in a movie theater, like groundhog day.  it would be disturbing at the least, and likely maddening in some way.
it is for me.  i can admit that.

my gout has been acting up.  thankfully, the medication i take has been keeping it somewhat manageable.  but that's not quite getting it.  i have to work with this pain that wants to blossom full out.  it's been awhile, though, i have to admit.  some of these changes must be working, as i have been feeling okay up til two days ago.  but i can't stop, that's the thing.  i realize i have been blessed with this job; i didn't go to the Tru-Green interview today.  again, the Process of the Program, where i can reflect forward and see what i would lose in gaining that job; time with my parents, the loss of a comfortable work level, travel further than i have to go now, loss of my Wednesday meeting completely.  it wouldn't be worth it.  can't trade up and down at the same time.  not to mention i told a lie and said i was proficient with Excel, and if something is a blessing you don't need to lie to get it, and if you lie, is it really a blessing? 

so, i worked today.  not hard, not bad, just a day.  i was better in the AM than i was in the afternoon.  by the time i left my parent's house i knew i was in a flare up again, or continuing.  and i was far away from any meds that might have helped. 

two things today, that stick in my mind.  one is my mom has not been feeling well, but hasn't said anything about it until she got sick today.  she does that now, suffers in silence.  i worry, but not overmuch, because that's such a choice for her.  my dad is at the doctor if he sneezes differently from day to day.  my mom has to have a falling out before she'll consider the need for a doctor.  and they used to be the exact opposite of that.
second thing was, one of the clients, who i talk to every day and who is slowly teaching me his form of sign language, was really worried about my legs (ankles, actually) hurting today.  it really bothered him.  and that was the most touching thing i've experienced in a bit of a while.  he can't even completely comprehend what i'm going through, but he has empathy because we're friends now.  why can't the so-called 'normal' people get that? 

i have finished my day.  now i'm going to get groomed and showered and get my medicated ass to bed.  Thank you, Jehovah, for the strength to work through the pain. 

the Dining Room

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes...

adaptability is a part of human existence from the womb itself.  babies are the most adaptable humans because their life is minute to minute change.  and honestly, everyone's life is minute to minute change, but babies lack a fundamental mental state that keeps them aware of their changes:  DeNial. 

today wasn't a bad day.  i had decided to turn in a bit later last night, as the whole 8 hour sleep thing was not filtering itself out right, and wasn't really filling me with the energy i thought it would.  plus, it means being in bed by 8 to get up by 4am, and that's the evening more or less.  so last night i stayed up til about 10pm, and i got a good five, six hours of sleep.  but i woke with the beginning of a gout attack as well, and my mind was on a poorly utilized joke with my driver yesterday as well.  so, i prayed and nodded and got up.  i read my meditation books and my bible and i had breakfast. i grabbed some socks from upstairs and got dressed for work, and then i hung back and waited for departure time.

the workday itself went by smooth enough.  i told my driver about the attack i was having, only to learn she gets gout from time to time as well.  then i decided to change up a bit today, let the secretary of the meeting know i wasn't going to be there today, came home and took meds and got my feet up.  i rested for my lunch break at home, then i went to grab some lunch and got to work.  the afternoon wasn't bad either, and my ankle was feeling better as well.  i didn't dawdle after work, i came home after a quick stop at Aldi's, got what i needed for my meat loaf, came home and cooked and ate and showered. i'm chilling now, and i'm going to take two gabapentin shortly and shut it down.  not going to try the 'up later' thing today, because i know i got to get my shit right.  so, being able to walk tomorrow is important.  being able to drive to Columbus this weekend under my own steam is pretty important also, though not exclusively so.  regardless, i am grateful to Jehovah for the blessings of the day. 

Emotive...

amazing.  there is something different inside me, and this is how i know.  i don't honestly believe that the gentleman for whom this card was given could verbalize this emotion, but the sentiment, in tandem with the relationship i've developed with him, touched me very deeply.  this card is from a woman whose son is a client of ours and he rides to his workshop with us.  we laugh together, something he apparently did not do much of before.  i don't ascribe anything special in that to me; i am so blessed to be able to encounter this kind of humanness, this kind of truth within a soul.  but it makes me feel good, that someone would take time to pass this to me, a kindness that i need so much right now, a hug that folds and fits into an envelope.  i don't feel bad for my sentimentality.  i only wish that i could do more than i do.  he's a very cool young man. 

anyway, it was a good day.  waking was hard because of broken sleep, but i got to work, got readings and medicine and prayer done, did my job, made breakfast for my mom, dad and brother, had a good lunch and a dinner that was on point though not what i wanted especially.  i am in bed now, pondering a said thing that i wish hadn't been said, but done bun can't be undone, as Stephen King once wrote (Insomnia, in case you're interested), so i have to live with the consequences, should there be any. 

i have a job interview on Thursday, Tru-Green again.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i lied and told the caller that i was proficient with Excel, and when you start with a lie you start with a problem.  i love doing what i'm doing now, though, and would rather do this than just about anything else.  so, i'm going to pray on it, and follow God's directives.  meanwhile, sleep, a new day, and we'll see what it brings when it's time.  i thank my Heavenly Father for these blessings and so many others. 

Checking the Internals

not always easy, this journey.  and i am sorry that i may come across as whiny lately; it's not my intention to bitch.  as i expressed yesterday, i'm very grateful, and i've every reason to be.  but emotionally, this is a weight that is a drag at times.  it could be worse, but it could be better too.  that's life though, isn't it?

last night the power went out on the street.  i'm tuned in enough to my environment that i woke up because my vibe was off, and it was the power.  it wasn't off an entire hour, i'd wager.  had to reset clocks this morning, but that was about it.

i'm in bed already.  i'm tired, i admit it.  i've eaten and now i'm going to shut it down.  only journaling remains. 

i woke up with the alarm today, from the broken sleep, i'm guessing.  i got dressed and read and took meds and made my breakfast.  i chilled mostly, then i got my ass to work.  an easy day, more laughter between myself and the driver, less stress in the building itself.  i stopped to check on my mom, who informed me my dad was still in the hospital.  i stayed for a bit, went and got wings for lunch and sat in the parking lot and ate.  we finished the day and i came straight home, got my dinner ready, ate and am closing up shop. 

i haven't a lot to say this evening.  i need to sleep.  i thank Jehovah for the day, and for having a place to lay my head.  more tomorrow, i hope. 

Opening Up...

people will ask for a smile, because it makes them more comfortable.  and you can give it to them, and they will, in the age of overexposure for the individual and self-idolatry, gush and moan in orgiastic glee over you humoring them with an upturning of your lips.

this is true.

but the smile isn't.

i am not smiling.  it is a rare thing for me again.  oh, not that i'm not ever happy.  i know what happiness is.  i can give you the textbook definition of it.  a state of well-being and contentment is the definition of happiness.  for myself, i would stay along those lines.  feeling cared for and about, needs being met and the realization of my good position in my own life defines my happiness.  and in that sense, the picture is not a lie, because i do have and recognize those things. 

but in another way, i am hollow still.  and nothing seems to be changing that.  and i don't know if i want to continue on with a void where my heart used to be.

if it sounds ungrateful, it probably is.

i got up today in a big bed.  i said my prayers, went to the bathroom that was not leaking from the ceiling, turned on the electric coffee maker because the electric is on, took my medicine that keeps me balanced health-wise, read from scripture and from my sobriety meditation books.  i had breakfast because i have food in my fridge.  i went to a meeting at one o'clock in the afternoon because i have a car with gas in it.  i visited my mother, came back home, had a friend over and am now in the preparation process for work tomorrow, the job i've been blessed with.  those are just some of the blessings i'm aware of, and only a teaspoon of the blessings that i've received today. 

i miss Rachel.  i do.  i miss her conversation, her presence, her body.  i miss her smile and the cadence of her voice when she speaks. 

i miss having friends come by and eat from my pots and drink coffee from my counter, making music and art and philosophy just because.

i miss having a family.  i miss Syd being in my life, and i miss De'ja and i miss being their father actively. 

i have crossed so many burning bridges.  some of them i set afire...but not all of them.  but i've crossed so many of them...

i don't know how to fill this space.  i don't know how to stop feeling so...hollow.

but i know i've made it known, in more than one format.  and if no one can respond, then i'll have to decide for myself what would be the best course of action. 

and yes, i know it sounds ungrateful. 

i am grateful, though.  i am blessed, extremely so, and thank Jehovah for what i've got, and what i don't have.

but i have feelings, and if i don't express them, then i'll be as false as the smile in the picture. and i have to live with me, so i choose to live truth. 

Getting It In...

it's Sunday morning, but unlike Sly, i didn't forget my prayer.  i did, however, not log yesterday.  no reason why, just lazy.  time to fess up, but that's not an all the time condition either.  i don't know.  i thought about it, got pictures for the process, and i got a little maudlin, i suppose, thinking about the absence of people in my life.  i was truly hoping Lonnie would have made it by yesterday, and while it's okay that he didn't, it became an expectation that didn't pan out.  those can't be helped sometimes.  i love the saying, 'no expectations equals no disappointments', but if you're human just try it for a month.  try no expectations for 30 days and i guarantee you will fail.  because to be human is to need to count on other humans to some degree or other.  and that means someone along the way is going to fail you.  even in a month.  hell, even in a week.

but it's not the end of the world.  i'm okay.  yesterday was okay.  a day of rest, and there's nothing wrong with that.  my body is tired.  i think it's the weather.  i'm fighting a sick from the inside, and i keep moving, but it's not easy.  but i got the day done.  i prayed and read and medicated.  i ate and i cleaned my house and i washed my clothes.  i watched some television, i read and i napped.  i went to pick up TF from work and took her home.  got gas money out of the deal, which ain't bad.  making arrangements to go to Columbus next weekend.  so, it's not like it wasn't a day of things to do.  but it was a day of feeling alone, feeling lonely even.  thought about those things for a bit, wrote on it in FB; alone is a weight; lonely is a burden.  but both make your legs stronger. 

today is Sunday.  Cafe Bustelo smells wonderful when it brews.  nice thing about coffee, you can kind of tell.  how does it smell when you break the seal, how does it smell when it's brewing?  those two things can usually tell you if you've got a good coffee on your hands.  so i'm going to get this day started.  and i'll get it logged in a more timely fashion later today.

thank you, Father, for the day i had, and the day ahead. 

The Dining Room

Really Late or REALLY Early...

i intended to do so much more than i did last night, but i was tired.  it's early in the morning now, about 230, so i am getting my log done for Friday.  the photo is a natural ice formation in the foliage by my parent's side door.  it was pretty so i got a picture of it.  nature is art, God is an artist comparable to no one human, that's for sure.

it wasn't a remarkable day, we ended up working and i worked.  that's the gist of it.  i got up on time, turned on my coffee, said my prayers, had coffee and water while i read my scripture and my meditation books.  i ate and got dressed.  i moved slowly because nothing necessitated a fast motion day.  i got to work earlier than necessary because regardless of their lack of togetherness, my philosophy remains sound:  long as i'm early i'll never be late. 

the day wasn't especially eventful.  counseling was good, i looked a bit deeper into some of the things i've been writing here, Rachel and my older brother and the nature of time shortening and things that end up being jettisoned out of a lack of willingness to tie knots where loose threads dangle.  i went to my parent's house, hung there for a bit, got some food and went back to work.  one of the things that i noticed was i try to be more helpful than i intend to be, helping someone get their car out of a snow bank, knowing they wouldn't express any gratitude.  there are, to me, clear lines of color demarcation, but they're blurred by the hierarchy of power in the facility.  strange to witness.  anyway, i finished the second run, receiving a battery of calls while en route.  in order, Lonnie called to tell me about the results of his biopsy (not great), YW called me to ask me not to stop talking to her (...), my brother called me to tell me he couldn't make it by for dinner as he had family things to tend to, but that my mom needed me to help her with her cell phone, and my mom called me (already mentioned).  i went to help my mother, whose phone had turned off, likely from her battery running all the way down, and she was frustrated and embarrassed and i told her there was no need to be. 

i came home to dinner by myself, which i didn't want to have that night.  the honey-jalapeno cornbread was great, the white chili needs more seasoning which i'll rectify today.  i watched some anime, ate some sugar free pudding for dessert and passed out, pondering and pensive.  which brings me to where i am now. 

i am grateful to God for the ability to remember, though sometimes i have to remember that it is a blessing, despite what it contains. 

Space in my Mind

old sleep, in the parent's attic.  i miss those days, though they weren't exactly enjoyable.  but still, i miss them, i miss all that they contained.  i miss the days before that, when i was in my apartment and Rachel was in my life, and Syd was still in high school.  i miss spending time with friends, i miss cooking for people and i miss having a space that looked like my mind.

i guess this space does look like my mind, but it doesn't say much for my state of mind at this point.

a niece had a baby in a bathtub today, not intentionally, i guess.  my brother is still not right from the fall he took at my parent's house.  Syd answers the phone sporadically at best.  if i decide i'm only going to answer her calls when i feel like it, will she get the point?  probably not.

i am not complaining, mind you.  i'm just logging the day today.  things get into my mind, run around as if they have license to roam through my brain.  it becomes necessary to get them out, to clean the circuits from time to time.

i see my father in his loft (upstairs), dressed in some strange kind of pajama thing with a rope tied around the waist to keep the pants (?) up, as he has lost so much weight, worrying about what will eventually lay him low.  my mother worries incessantly about her children and any number of other things she simply cannot change.  nothing to be done about that.  i think about my oldest brother, Rick, and wonder if we can ever have peace between us, what would it take for that to happen, and would it mean anything to me if it did?  were i to relent, it would be only for the sake of the parents, but it would come with a host of other baggage with it, and i have enough of my own to not lug someone else's around as well.

today i did okay, save for the consumption of the Evil Brownie.  prayers and readings and oatmeal for breakfast.  medications and work and parental visitation and a day that went smoothly from start to finish.  responsible eating for dinner and now i'm ready to try to get a good night's sleep.

but i have things on my mind, and i wish Rachel was still in my life.

i am grateful, though.  new great nephew in the world, contact of some sort or other with my children and a crock pot of white chili beginning it's process of being born.  thank you, Father, for all the provisions.

Progression of the Day

I love snow.
A thing that people forget is how it has to be warmer than sub-zero to snow in this region. As cold as it's been lately, struggling from point A to B ain't no thang at all, in my native parlance.
I'm sitting at the Fellowship Hall, doubt if anyone other than G. will show up. That's okay though. The day is started, prayers and meditation, insulin and pills, breakfast and coffee. I've got a chicken in the crock pot, rent is paid up to date for this meeting and I'll likely do lunch with Lonnie today, since i'm out already. I'm taking it easy, checking on people, moving slow. My parents still have dinner left from yesterday, got to check on Jerry, but those are regular items anyway.
I am grateful for the day off, grateful for the peace of mind and very thankful I have a home to go to. Father, I thank you.

One in Da Morning...

...no work Wednesday.  got a text, the workshops are closed, so we are closed as well.  snow coming, probably happening already. 

this is late, because i fell asleep.  i'm pretty sure now the weather has been taking it out of me, but since i'm up, let's up-date. 

Tuesday wasn't bad at all, a nice enough day.  from waking on time and moving out with a good rhythm to getting back home and having dinner and shutting it down, it was nice.  but i have to start looking at next steps in things.

i did pray, did have coffee, did take meds and read meditations and scripture.  i did get to work on time, did get through the day.  i did get to my parent's house, fix dinner for them, wash dishes and get my mother a charger for her tablet.  i got my driver an apple as an apology for a shortcut i tried to take on procedure at a workshop (handing medicine for a client to one of their workers rather than giving it directly to the nurse). 

after work i was tired, i came home, i heated and cooked dinner, i watched a bit of television and then i collapsed into sleep, which was nice.

that was the day.  no huge lessons, no trauma, no foul no harm.  but now its logged, and i do thank God for days of even keel and calm waters. 

it's a quarter after five when i'm starting this entry, PM.  i wanted to get it done, so that i can get my dinner finished and unwind.  i'm trying to get my routine tighter, to maintain the elements of change that i'm working with right now.  too many days this slips by, and this is one of the most important tools i'm working with right now. 

anyway, it was a good day.  i have no complaints at all, save for the bitterness of the cold this winter wears as it's new fashion statement.  but the weather is the weather, nothing can be done about that. 

i got up today and i said my prayer and i felt the lethargy from the cold but i kept it moving.  i got out of the bed and i went to do my reading of meditation and scripture, and i took my medicines.  i had a cardiologist appointment today, so i was not as pressed for time, but i did let time get away from me early anyway, by letting the 'not going to work this morning' thing dominate my movements, rather than the 'doctor's appointment at 815' thing.  but eventually i had eaten breakfast, washed dishes, gotten dressed, gathered trash from the kitchen and got out the door. 

i think i make mention of the cold because everything was just cold this morning. it was bitter out, and i still had to let the car warm up, but i didn't bring out my spare set of keys, so i sat while it warmed and the windows thawed.  the cardiologist office has some major renovations going on, and the door was mostly open and the office was freezing.  and by the time i got to my parent's house, the cold had made its way into my bones, and i couldn't seem to get warm.  plus i was feeling the stirrings of a gout flare. 

as i said earlier, i found that i have been losing weight, with a drop of 21 pounds since December 30th, from 380 to 359.  my set goal is to lose 30 pounds by april 15th, and if i stay on course, i should exceed that.  the rest of the checkup was good too, at least by my standards of health it was.

at my parent's house i nodded in and out and talked to my mom.  then i went to work.  it wasn't a long day, most of our clients on the bus i aide weren't there today.  but it was good to see them; i miss them when i'm not working.  and now i am at home.  i got what i wanted for dinner from the store.  i've showered and shaved, and i'm going to get my clothes for tomorrow and take them downstairs.  i'm going to have dinner, and i'm going to take two gabapentin for this flare up and i'm going to rest tonight and be ready for a full day of work tomorrow.  and i'm thankful to Jehovah for allowing me to enjoy this day, moving as a good day moves, and whatever the status someone else might append to it, a day of sobriety and life is always a good day.  that's it.  catch the Dining Room for the food inventory of the day if you are so inclined. 

February 5, 10 to go

An update of happiness is a good thing. Had an appointment with the cardiologist this morning. Health is okay, but the blessing is learning that since December 30th, i've lost 21 pounds, and my goal is to hit 350 by my birthday. So, YAY! that'sounds it for now. (Oh. Sorry. In December I was 380 pounds, and i just registered 359. Makes more sense with the details)

Course Correction...

Monday morning, and the hustling begins.
no, not that kind.  i have a cardiologist appointment this morning, and i'm dragging.  have been all afternoon.  disruptive structure is the new name of the weekend, and a longer one is longer disruption.  either that, or i'm just exhausted and don't know it.  but i'm going to get this caught up, and get more in later.

so, yes, yesterday i didn't write, and had ample time to.  most of the day was spent just laying about.  i did pray, did read, did take meds and eat.  i did get rid of the rest of my supersandwich, as i went to two meetings and took it to Marc at the first one.  i did write in To December, it is coming along well.  i did go to the meeting to lead for Carla, and i did pray and turn it over.  i did NOT go by Rachel's house though my mind kept screaming at me to do so since my lead was in Struthers, right around the corner from her house.  i was sad and anxious about it, but i didn't go, because some girl at the meeting that i recognized from FSH suggested i not go and i realized perhaps that was the message i was supposed to get that day.

that was the gist of my Sunday.  i am about to dress, warm up the car and get to my doctor's office.  more later, and i thank Jehovah for His patience with me.

The Dining Room

OK, Stupid MF'er...

well.  i don't know what the fuck is going on at the moment, but i know it's going to stop as of today.

i know that i've been sleeping early last couple days of the week, from lack of evening sleep, anniversary event and just being tired from going constantly in and out of the cold.  but i also know i have a laptop on my bed, warped though the casing may be, that i could use to update.  No Excuses are sufficient.

i can only apologize.  to myself first, because this is MY Journey, to get to know me, to become a person that is doing the things that he is supposed to be doing, capable of doing, and hopefully meeting the approval of his God in his changing actions.  second of all, to anyone who may read this on a regular or semi-regular basis who might worry when the updates get sparse.  i don't need to know anyone is reading it at all.  in fact, the purpose of this vehicle is to allow me to do a 10th step combining all the inventory/amend steps (4, 5, 8 and 9) and to have a witness, whenever someone partakes of this, of my actions.  if i don't do this, then i'm hiding things, even from myself.  and that's dangerous.

so, i'm sorry TOTI, i'm sorry anonymous stranger/friend.  i'm sorry and i must amend this by increasing acceptance of the needed discipline to do this right.

so, can i update 3 days worth?  i can try.

on the first, which was Thursday, i did the normal routine, the regular driver for the bus i ride on was back so we had a good route, there was another inservice meeting in which i discovered my position as a bus aide may be in jeopardy far sooner than i thought, i was given brownies by a client's mom, and i ate one of them, and i knew then i was already compromised from my activities of the anniversary meeting, despite finding pleasure in the decrease of my mass.  on Friday, I did the same, though i did include breakfast on Friday and i packed up the brownies and the rest of the banana pudding and took them with me to deliver them in the course of my day.  i got paid from PCS finally, i had a good counseling session and gave VF and her crew the brownies, i went to my mother's house before counseling and put the banana pudding in the fridge, went back over afterward to hook up the new converter box in the living room, finished the work day nice but with reduced time due to the inservice the day before.  i went to Scenna's and got my dad and mom fish dinners for the evening and i came home and ate and went to bed.  that's the overview, the details are not going to get fished out of the mire of my memory, sorry.

today, i got up about five, but i didn't get moving for a couple hours.  i said my prayer, i did finally get out of the bed, and i fixed coffee.  i took my pills and insulin, i had coffee and water and i read all my meditation books and from my bible, from John i believe.  i did a load of clothes, got them washed and dried and folded, and i decided to go grab supplies as i've not had the money to do much of that for the last couple months.  i went to Big Lots and Aldi's, went to the Amish market looking for dry link sausage for my driver.  i went to Sparkle market and i came back home.  i got cleaning stuff and toilet tissue and paper towels.  i got stuff to make my soup today.  i had lunch and got started on my soup.  i made a pot of broccoli/cauliflower/cheddar soup and a pot of turkey spinach soup.  i have not done much else.  i'm planning on soup and a sandwich this evening, and i have a sugar free cherry pie for dessert.

i'm trying to think of something that i want.  it's been quite a while since i treated myself to something, and with the hard times i've been going through lately, it would be nice to find something useful and nice for me.  but i know the trick and i have to adhere to it.  just like i got the thing at work, 'as long as i'm early i'll never be late (thanks, Father) though that's been negated by their 'policies', if i continue to live as i did when i had no money, money will accumulate.  that's my plan anyway.  so i'm going to stay frugal, pay my bills, eat simply, and work.  i'm going to keep looking for another job and i'm going to stay as grateful as i can.  and in the end, i'm going to just say thank you, Jehovah, for letting me know i have a responsibility, that i have to be mindful to pass along the happiness and sobriety you've given me so that i may keep growing and becoming.  and that's the update i've got for now.