...why the journey?

i missed yesterday.  i've been on the cusp of great emotional upheaval for the past two months, and it culminated today, and strangely i feel calm.  but i can say truly i understand why i became aware of the recycling this year as opposed to any year that fell in line with my sobriety year before now, and why this is a journey.

i got up and said prayers and got the day started.  i had cleaned yesterday, as well as got to the gym, got the order delivered to VF at counseling, got to my parents and went back to fix dinner for them and took my daughter to lunch to talk to her on the event horizon of her 18th birthday.  so my house was in order and i had nothing to do but wait for Rachel to call.  meantime, i took meds and insulin, i ate, i texted a couple people, talked to a friend or two and i went to brunch with my friend Marc.  i went to pick up Rachel about 130 or so, i believe, maybe a bit earlier than that, but not much.  and Rachel came over and we hung out and ate some good food and had some good close time and Syd came home and Rachel was able to give her the present she got her for her birthday.  and dinner was wonderful, to me anyway:  catfish cakes (like crabcakes, but with catfish) and sausage and pasta soup i'd made and frozen last week, that was the appetizer course.  we watched a movie and then had fried catfish, pan fried potatoes and onions and creamed spinach for the main course.  i helped her twist her hair and it was nice, but it was sad too, because likely it's the last time we're going to hang out here at this apartment.

i took her home and now i'm here journaling before i go to bed.  and that brings me to the point.

monday i'm going to start the process of shutting this all down.  intelligently and spiritually, i need to divest myself of this structure and any attachment to anything that consumes.  i need to build, i need to pay the fees i have allowed to grow again, and i need to work on the publishing service company.  and to do that, i'm letting go of having a physical home.  if my grandfather's house were available, it might be different.  but as it is, i can only see letting this stuff go,and getting my ass in gear with networking out and promoting my company and myself.  it's going to take some doing, but it is going to happen.  and i am melancholy as hell in the process, but i'm always melancholy anyway.

i'm grateful for clarity, and I thank Jehovah for the blessing of having made it through Syd's formative years without bailing.  i am honored to be strengthened thus.  more later.