...the first was the last (this smells familiar...)

bad day, but it's okay.  it's wednesday, a bad day for many.
i did not get up well, but i got up with prayer, which was good.
i did not go to the gym, as my knee was feeling like someone had tried to keep me from the Olympics figure skating.
i did read scripture and meditation books.
more importantly, i couldn't bring myself to return to the job.
i tossed it around in my head like a mental football all night.  i slept and it was in my dream and i woke and it was first on my mind.
i don't do sales.  i hate sales.  i hate phone solicitation.  i hate the work.
i think too much to be comfortable in this environment.  i don't care if people don't want something they've never heard of.  i don't care for making money by matching wits with someone for the profit of someone i will never meet.
i thought i could make myself okay with it.  i was mistaken.
i felt ashamed of myself, though.  wasn't this one more time of playing God?
was this me once more spitting in God's face?  turning my back on a provision?
i don't know.  i still don't know.
i've been here before.  when i was living in columbus, after i was shitcanned from Menendians, i got a job at a steel mill, the place that granddaddy Bush owned that used to regularly kill it's employees with their lack of safety.  i lasted two days.  it was the most brutal place i'd ever been, and i wasn't even on what would be deemed a hard job.  i was actually in pretty good shape at that time, but there is being fit, and there is being mill-hard.  i was not, and will never be, that hard of a man.
i think phone sales is kind of the same thing, but it's mental hardness, it is a coldness that tells you that you have to snatch your bread from the mouths of your customer.  i'm not really built that way.  i tend to feel there's enough bread for us all.  but that's me.
i put in more apps.  i go to a temp agency tomorrow to sign up, in hopes that i can find a genuine customer service job.
i'm going to get active with Care.com and with dd4hire, a designated driver company i had did the online app for couple years ago but never followed through with.
my knee still hurts.
Syd will be 18 on saturday.  she's moving her stuff out now, planning to live with Joe at his mother's house.
life is strange.  i am going to see where it all goes.
and i am still grateful to God, and i am still blessed.  maybe VF will put me back in at my regular time on Friday?  one can only hope...