i'm writing this now, and it may be one of the last times i log here. i'm sorry this journey has been so short, but it is apparently of a necessity. i've been trying very hard to come out from under this cloud that is looming over me, but apparently, though God does not try a person with evil, i am being pushed, and i don't see a way out.
I just got a letter today from the Social Security Association. They intend to cut Syd's SSI now, apparently with nothing coming this month. that means aside from rent and a car payment and a couple of bills, i can do nothing. no gas for the car, no food, no nothing. i'm sitting here and i have tears in my eyes, and i know that's not enough.
i thought i had time. i've been applying for jobs, and i've gotten interviews and no nibble. the one that i did get, that i could have been doing, i turned down because i know as a diabetic i shouldn't have a driving job. but was that a mistake as well? is that the lesson here? i don't know. i'm not a young man anymore. my back won't even stand up to a week of physical labor of any intensity. i'm not going to be a fool, but at the same time i am going to go under, this very month, and there's not a damn thing i'm going to be able to do about it. so maybe i'm already a fool, and i just don't know it.
i started the day with prayer, i've no regrets there. this is not my God's fault. this rests squarely upon my own shoulders. and it's not that i've done anything wrong. it's that i've forgotten to plan for the future better than i have. i have front line bills, gas and electric. i've got credit card bills that have to be paid on. i've got a child who turns 18 in two weeks. i've got nothing in the bank, nothing in savings. what i'm making from book sales won't buy me a full tank of gas, and it's being spent as fast as i can sell books because i've got to have supplies for the house.
all the heaviness that i've labored under for all these weeks has just quadrupled upon me. i don't have any more answers. i don't have any other options. i need divine intervention, and while i believe that is possible, i don't believe it's a probability.
its funny; i want to consider suicide, but it's not on the agenda. i'm on the phone waiting for SS so i can speak to someone about appealing this. i only needed until she graduated, and i know if i stayed diligent in searching for work it would have come to me. but if they cut it this month, everything stops. and that means i won't be able to continue with the publishing service plans or anything else.
there are no answers to be found here. you realize, much too late, that you squander gifts and they don't return. you realize, much too late, that if you don't appreciate what you've been given, you will miss it when you don't have it and need it. i think about the waste; about the money trying to 'buy' a relationship with Heather, about just trying to live so-called 'normal'. monthly income is not a normal life. but i knew better. knew better than to entertain the credit cards. knew better than to take the loan. and the galling part is that i didn't do extravagance. i just did life things, small comfort things. like, this is a punishment for wanting to be happy. and i'm alone. like i always am when the world shifts beneath my feet.
i don't know what i'm going to do. i may not be as grateful as i should be today, and I'm sorry about that, Jehovah.
No comments:
Post a Comment