Depression

i want to take a moment to outline what my depression is like.  not because there should be some great concern, but because i realized yesterday that i am depressed.  and this is not the same depression that i'm accustomed to, though each one has elements in common.

i got up yesterday and i said my prayer, but i didn't stretch, didn't do my crunches.  it was hard to get out of the bed.  it was hard to get moving.  there are things that i have to get done.  i have an area close to my computer that i need to clear out so i can set up my scene one for the MECHANICAL JESUS commercial.  but i haven't been able to muster the drive to do so.

it's not a lack of energy.  it's more like...a constant drain on my energy reserve.  that is closer to the situation.  like i am pouring water into a bucket with a hole exactly the dimensions of what i'm pouring in.  that is what is similar about this and all my other depressions.  except with this one, i won't stop pouring.

i think about what the future is truly bringing to me, and of course there's no way to know that for certain.  i think about how there aren't easy apartments to find that are cheap.  i think about what the next ten, fifteen, twenty years are going to be like.  i wake up, and the body doesn't really want to respond.  i make it move, make it do things so i can get into first gear and i never really get out of first gear.  sometimes, i make it to second gear.  yesterday i did, because Rachel came over and because i was going to cook for my parents and i took her with me so she could visit with my mother. but second gear is not really moving like i need to move.

i ate way too many times, way too many sweets.  i had a grilled cheese and a pastelillo from Papa's.  i had an omelet for breakfast.  i ate cookies, have been all week.  i've been semi-pacifying myself.  it isn't really working.  it's just an old habit.

i'm tired of the mud.  more than the cold, i am tired of the mud that is always outside my door.  i'm tired of the messes, the sloppy weather.  a neat snow day is not a bad thing.  rain and mud and cold and gray skies that seem to not end are horrific in a great enough number of successive days.

but this is just a part of it.  financial concerns, Syd growing up, parents getting old.  aches, constant and varying but always there.  a bruise that just appeared on the underside of the knuckle of my left hand, on the palm side.  discolored and painful.  the dark spot has gone away, but the pain lingers.  i know that bruises at my age could mean things.  'at my age' is a horrible statement.  but it is not frightening.  it's sobering.

this will lift.  i don't feel it having set into a secure foundation.  i have an interview today at 10:15.  i have my meeting.  i have leftovers.  i'm going to make sure Syd takes this paperwork from social security to school today and that it gets filled out and sent back in.  i'm going to at least get my scene set up, even if i have no one to play the computer tech.  i'm going to start working again.

some depression has its roots in spiritual growth.  as above, so below.  if one is trying to grow in this world, it can only truly be done by growing in spirit as well.  and when one is growing in good spirit, bad spirit will attack with deliberation.  i've been in familiar situations before.

i remain, however, grateful to Jehovah, for being patient with me and continuing to strengthen me for the days ahead.  I will do better as the days go by.