the picture is Minerva, who is chilling on the couch yesterday. seemed a good picture to put into my mood files.
so, friday i was working on getting my shit together. had a mini-meltdown on thursday after receiving the ss notification about the termination of Syd's funds, which would have decimated the household budget, thin as it already is. i prayed, i was angry, i was scared, i was depressed (still am) and i wrote and i filed an appeal. so friday, i was determined to do some better things.
i got up with prayer. i got to the gym, i read my books and scriptures, i ate right and i went to counseling. i am not going to go into my counseling details at this moment, but i'm going to take a moment to express gratitude to God for putting such an amazing person in my life. there are times when you know you're on the right road only because you have absolute trust in the person helping you read the map. thank you, VF, for everything.
i started to let go. i read the scriptures at Hebrews chapter 11, and i got a better grip. i also have an understanding that if i fold during the crisis i delay the results of the effort. so i moved forward though i didn't really want to. it helped, i should say, that the money did come in, and it helped that i did get a call from a rep from SS stating that they were sending out the proper form for Syd's school to fill out so she could be registered in their system as full time and this would be corrected. but, the truth is, God does not break his promises, and i have to remember that, regardless of the circumstances.
i spent the early part of yesterday in reflection and preparation. i was reflecting on where my feet were, or are, and what direction i need to start moving them in. the preparation was in the cooking of an eggplant lasagna and to be ready to make a shrimp and asparagus pasta dish. i thought about the circumstances of my life. about how i had thrown away so many opportunities, how i had squandered so many chances. the Big Book says we shouldn't drift into morbid reflection, but sometimes you have to look, because you have to check your position and your shadow to see if you're heading the right way and how much time has passed. i did pray. i did my stretches and crunches and readings. i talked to my folks. and i came to some understandings. i have to keep moving. i have to go back to the old school way of taking care of business.
i know that i am blessed. there are people who care about me, people who look after me and people who keep an eye on both myself and my child. i know that I am blessed, as we have food, shelter, water, heat, clothing, transportation and income, and abundance doesn't matter when there are some who have none. and i am blessed, because i need not be homeless, regardless of the circumstance. i need only tend to the plant that is growing in my garden, tend to it with every expectation of it flourishing because i am putting the work in, and it will flourish.
i had a great visit with Rachel yesterday. spent good time, ate good food, gave her some un-Valentine's day stuff, watched a movie, talked about some things. i am going to my meeting, i didn't go to the Hall because i'm still being lazy. i don't know what i'm doing this evening, but i will be getting my shit together for tomorrow. that is a fact. thank you, Father. you have shown every time that You are Everything, and i am nothing apart from your power. but with your power, i am everything i need to be.
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