Tumult: a loud, confused noise, especially in a crowd of people, or confusion, disorder.
I'm leaning on the second one, but it's just an excuse under any circumstances. life is an exchange. it always has been, and likely it will be until there's another reality for people to exist in.
this has been a week of ups and downs, and the weekend has been no different thus far. but i'm grateful still.
i had a great day friday, up to a point. i got up and did my stuff, sans stretching and crunches, which i am very disobedient to that discipline and need to get better. i got to the gym and i did treadmill and weights. sugar was good, i got home and saw Syd off to school, had my breakfast and made ready for counseling, which is never as difficult to do as 'made ready' makes it sound.
counseling was good, and VF's book club ordered books so i had a good sale of Old Lazarus. after that i went to my parent's house, talked to them for a bit, got the call i was waiting for as far as when i would be starting training officially, and i came home and spoke to Rachel.
which is when the tumult began.
nothing new, nothing different. the other side came to the conversation. and i felt weary. questions about whether she was one more person i was trying to 'fix', about whether she was what i needed, so on and so on...i finally just asked how long was she going to keep trying to find a way out of this without just saying so. after a point of the line of conversation we were having i couldn't speak anymore and so went to try to nap. i felt bad, i'd just been talking about some of this in counseling. but i had to say 'Your will be done, Father', because i know in my heart that everything in life is an exchange. some things i really need to be happening are happening. some things that i really don't want to happen were going to happen to balance that out. i got up, did some straightening in my apartment and made myself some dinner. i called her back but got no answer and that wasn't a problem at that time. when she did call back, i had nothing much to say so i didn't stay on long. did some thinking.
I talked to my friend PF about the situation today, just to get some feedback, though i knew in my heart what i was going to do. i didn't text Rachel a good morning. i had written off the day, but apparently she had not. she called me in the late morning and when i asked what she was into today, she said she thought we had plans, which we did. i picked her up in an hour and brought her back to my house. we talked, or i started talking and telling her what i was feeling, as i didn't speak on the ride over. i told her that i had no idea how to deal with her if me being myself was not going to be okay with her. i told her that i wasn't trying to 'fix' her, that i wasn't trying to coerce her into anything, but that i was attempting to enjoy the time we had, with the limited resourced we had at hand, for as long as i possibly could. after a point, we got back to okay terms.
we went to the store, which i had to do anyway as i forgot the hairspray i needed to make my banner permanent. she got stuff for spaghetti for dinner, as she was cooking. i didn't interfere, didn't try to help other than doing prep. i let her cook and she did a great job as she always does. it was nice, we watched a movie and then her daughter was in some physical distress so i took her home to see about her house and her children.
i don't know why the ride is necessary. i don't know what i want in the long run in this, but i want to have a long enough run to find out what's down the road. i can't simplify it any more than that.
my apartment reeks of Aqua Net, i'm very sleepy and i have a lot to do tomorrow. I thank Jehovah for all i am blessed with today.
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