having been in port for a few weeks now, i am just about ready to leave this familiar universe, this charted territory, and truly venture out into the unknown. and it's scary, which means i am scared.
time to drop to a new level of honesty, deeper actions require deeper places to come from.
today i didn't hit the gym. waking up and getting moving is hard to do these days. i don't believe it's the physical, barometric weather. i believe it is my emotional weather, the state of the storms and the heatwaves occurring in my spiritual heart. but i have to push through that shit. i said my prayer, i got out of bed finally, i took my sugar (140, creeping), i had coffee and water and read my meditations but not a scripture. i saw Syd out the door, who was also late getting up and just on time getting gone. i had breakfast and pondered what i needed this day to be. Rachel texted a good morning and we talked early while i worked on a letterhead for my project to come. before i could get to work on my business cards, i got a call from Syd's school.
Syd was in the nurses station, feeling 'not well' and wanting to come home. i got Syd on the nurse's phone and told her to go back to class. that took some of the wind from my sails, and then when Syd started texting about still throwing up, i said 'fuck it', called the school and told them i was coming to get her but wasn't coming into the school, and i went to get her. i talked to her on the way back, telling her she is really going to need to get a grip on that kind of bullshit, that the real world is not going to just accommodate her not wanting to be there when it's a job or a career. but what it really put me in the mindset of is how she's not ready yet. she's not, but she has to be, there's zero time left, and no lessons that are going to be so impactful they will just change her entire demeanor overnight. but that's not the deal. truth is, this has to happen or the slightly deeper hole i'm now in (slightly deeper than last month) is going to swallow me up.
i came home and ate the rest of my baked potato from yesterday's dinner and i laid down. i called to check on my mom and she and my dad were having some issues and she was waffling on having me come and cook, so i took myself out of the equation, promising i'd do it tomorrow. but she called back because apparently my dad bought some stuff and she wanted me to come cook and sort through things so i did.
i took a load of clothes to wash (time to get my shit ready to roll). i washed and dried, and i prepped a beef roast for Saturday's family dinner, and i put away meat and i made baked meat balls and a gravy for them, and i made a brown mixed rice and corn. i talked to both mom and dad, and eventually i left, went to Aldi's to get milk and a few other things and i came home and cooked here. i made meat loaf for myself and baked chicken for Syd, made a pot of rice and had the last of my cabbage while i made Syd some broccoli and cheese. i ate, watched some television and am now horizontal on my bed.
i am tired, and it runs so deep. i've been 'ON' for so long, and i really could use a rest. but there is no time, no time for a reset. my plan is made, and i believe it will work, to an extent. i am going to go to different cities and just get my name out there. my name, my cards, my flyers. my books. i thought about it, and it's really what i would have needed someone to do for me, if anyone had been willing and had the time. but i didn't really have anyone who could (or would) invest the time going from place to place and putting out my material. and that's okay. this is all spreading the foundation stuff. i'm going to start in Columbus, stop in Akron and Canton, one on the way up, one on the way back. depending on how i'm feeling, i'll make my way to either Dayton or Cincinnati, and then i'm coming home. the next time, i'll go the other way, roll through New Castle, try to make my way to Pittsburgh, and then come home. i'm going to have informational packets and business cards, and i'm going to work this to get my shit out there. and eventually, i'll be in my grandfather's house, and i'll be working on writing and doing other people's stuff. but for now, i'm getting ready to roll. and that is scary. but the thought of being 58 and to STILL be wondering, 'what if?'...that is truly terrifying.
so i thank Jehovah for strength and for direction. and i shall endeavor to move when its time to move. almost fueled up. almost time to leave this galaxy.
No comments:
Post a Comment