tuning up

a week to go.  changes begin and my honey is leaving until the 9th.  i am inundated with change, and i am in the change myself.  not an issue.

as i said, i did get up today, got my ass moving, got to the gym.  i came home and took insulin and meds and had breakfast.  i went to counseling, and it was a pretty casual session, though some very serious topic stuff came up as it always does.  there is fear and apprehension everywhere.  you see, if you look hard enough, the world being made into a warzone.  it's scary to watch when you know what you're seeing.  its scarier to realize that even when you do know what you're seeing, you are still programmed to a degree.  somewhere down the line some people were really smart and long thinking in their consideration of how to dominate a society of individuals.  the answer now is obvious:  stop them from being individuals.  but does this happen by chance, by coincidence, or is it a planned thing that is bearing the fruit of its efforts now?  no way to know for sure.  but when you see the world through the eyes of a hatred that has no ground to stand on, a supremacy that has never completely manifested itself (by which i mean there has never been a time when Euro-dominance has not been under challenge), you know enough to watch with different eyes.  Jews and Muslims are being terrorized at the same time in America now.  i think about how amazing that is.  Mexicans and Middle Eastern people are both being condemned by one small group of people who still think themselves the 'majority'.  only in a broken system, dominated by a skewed 'constitution', could such a mindset exist.  women are being as victimized as ever, and alongside them so are 'transgendered' individuals.  and with all that, and the constant inanities that have always been in effect, the result has been to polarize white male americans of a racist tone against everyone else in the country.  and we can't get our heads together long enough to see that we hold the power.  THAT is masterful programming.  that is some cold blooded shit.  but that's what time and intelligence can create.  that was a huge digression, i know...
after counseling i came home briefly.  my mom called and i got ready to go visit her, as she was troubled and she asked if i'd fix her some breakfast.  Rachel called and asked what i was doing and i told her i'd pick her up after her counseling if she wanted.  i talked to my mom, who is very worried about so many things beyond her control.  it makes me appreciate the recovery program when i see how having no acceptance can keep a person sick for a long time.  i myself still worry, but i let go much easier.  she worries about my father, about my brothers and sisters, and she doesn't take care of herself.  i had her call her foot doctor because she has been in pain for days now.  i have to call and check and make sure she got her pain medicine.  i talked to my brother when he stopped over there and we're going to have breakfast tomorrow and i'm going to let him know what's going on.

i left the house and went to get Rachel.  we went to the Re-Store to look around and then went to Belleria for lunch.  we talked, i tried to break down what my plan is concerning Syd and concerning myself.  i'm sure it sounds crazy, or even mid-life crisis-like, but it is not intended to be.  i want to start building and growing.  how do i do that if i don't approach book merchants about carrying my books?  Waiting For Jesus is ready.  i'm going to order my proofs and i'm going to have another book that people can put on their shelves, read in their hands, turn the pages.  i am happy, time catches up with us all eventually, and sometimes you're in the right position to take advantage of it.

i'm home now.  going to call my mom.  going to get some sleep.  store in the morning, breakfast with my brother.  then i start getting ready to move.  one more week, and i launch from this station into deep space.  and i am grateful to God for the opportunity that this is, and just for life today.