not really, but i love that Tom Petty song, and it is at least apropos to the situation, if not to the emotion i'm rolling in right now.
i feel okay, i'm tired, i need to clean, but that will be tonight and tomorrow. i have done a good day, a full day, and i've been chilling for the evening. tomorrow marks the end of the Orbit in physical time. i've become a person that can do things, by God's grace and direction. Sunday will be the beginning of a new epoch for me. i don't really see it as power. i talk it as power, because i have to psyche myself up consciously. but i see it as this: i've looked as far into me as i can see. i've been honest, i've done the footwork, i've made my mistakes and kept moving. i've made my amends. i've learned, i've abridged some bare places that my actions have torn out and turned upside down. i've been the best child to my parents as i could be. i've been the best father that this situation has allowed me to be, though i wish i could have been better for Syd. new learning. new growth. new life, as my avocado seed is now a tall sprout showing green at the top. and i am grateful, i am thankful. i have been blessed abundantly and i only want to make the most of these blessings and share them with those who can benefit from them. that is my goal. that is my honest wish.
things change soon. Syd will be 18. child support will end, and she will have to get responsible really quickly. SSI will end soon after, and i will need to be somewhere else. but i know these are the necessary changes for the life i am coming into now. i will clean up my credit and my debt. i will get One Main financial off my back. i will travel and do my publishing things in a wider arena than i've been to up til now. i will enjoy the days as they come. and all these things are directly contingent upon whatever God's will may be for me. i may not wake up tomorrow, so i can't dive too far ahead on the calendar. but i can work on readiness.
today i went to the gym. i took meds and read my stuff. i visited my parents. i went to counseling. i delivered VF her book and poem. i went to the store and got lunch stuff and more milk. i have dinner stuff already. i talked to Rachel. i talked to Felecia about a project that she is starting, parallel to what i'm going to be doing. she has more resources than i do, but i am willing to work my thing, because i'm doing this for my children's foundation. i checked on Lonnie. i am going to get my dinner together now. it's been a good day. and i have no real plan for tomorrow, only to try to be of service where i can, and to get my house clean and my dad's beans cooked and delivered. and i am very thankful to Jehovah God, for all that i have been blessed with. i will not fear to the extent that i can help it, but i will make certain i act with as much faith as i can regardless of the presence of fear. good night.
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