this is one of those 'i'm writing to get this out of me' moments. i know that's why i didn't write yesterday, because i had a bunch of stuff on my mind and didn't really process it well, even though i went to counseling. sometimes it's just harder to get it out, but i have to give it a good shot.
so, update first. i didn't go to the gym yesterday. i could barely sleep the night before. i prayed, did my readings and i got myself slowly moving. i could feel my mind searching for ways out of the orientation, but i know that was my fear. i KNOW it was, because i've not worked in about ten years and i have a lot of readjusting to do. Syd got off to school okay, and i was out the door not long after. i took insulin, long and fast acting, as my sugar was a bit elevated. i took meds, but no water pill, because i had no for certain idea how long the trip would be. i made it on time, but the facility is tucked behind a trucking place, so eventually i had to call them and i was literally one corner away from them.
i went in, met the guy who ended up doing my orientation, which consisted of paperwork and a lot of glad-handed explaining of policy by said guy. i listened, signed, answered, nodded, laughed and cosigned as i needed to, and i was out of there by 930 or so. i stopped and got gas, talked to Lonnie as i came back to town, stopped at Save-a-Lot for dinner stuff and came home. i prepped my steak, got fish out of the freezer (wanted a modified surf n turf) and went to counseling. i was sleepy from the bad sleep and the decompression from the trip and anxiety of the orientation. it was a good enough session but i know my head was only half there, and of the other half, half of that was sleep and the other half was thinking about Rachel.
i came home and climbed into the bed.
i got up after a point, finished my cleaning for the week, saw Syd in, saw her back out, fixed my dinner and ate and watched some television. i'd engaged in a terrific battle with Time/Warner again, trying to make them do right by me since they fucked up in October by not changing my service as they were supposed to. i had a piece of cake before i went to bed, just because i was craving something sweet. i tossed and turned again, and eventually i went under for the night.
Rachel and i have spoken sporadically since Sunday. i half expected this. she was edgy most of the trip, and she as much as said the five days of proximity (thursday through sunday) was more than she could usually accommodate comfortably. but i still believe it was being out of her personal space, without a place that she could easily retreat to. its what makes me feel compromised and protective of myself in ways that come across as borderline abusive. i've worked on it, so i understand, but she has to figure out what she wants. if she wants anything more from me at all, no reason for me to assume.
thing is, i just want to make things secure. i want to grow my business. i want to make this thing become what it's capable of becoming. i think about my grandparent's house, and it would be perfect for my business purposes. room to live, a kitchen big enough to cook in and enough space to set up a computer room/media center and a meditation room, as well as an office. far enough away that being bothered would only really be done by my brother, and close enough to be at my parent's front door in seven minutes. its in my prayer and in my heart, but Jehovah's will will be done, and i will accept that. i factor Rachel into the equation, because i do love her and want to spend my life with her, but i don't factor her all the way in because i don't know that she wants to be. she's busy at the moment trying to get ready for the dinner her mom is planning for her cousins. i am content to wait, but i miss her. and that's the really strange thing. at the end of our time in columbus, i was ready to bring her home, drop her off and keep it moving. she was irritating as fuck. but i miss her company. my house is cold. i feel sluggish. i am going to go back to bed and chill as i said i would. i have to get groceries. my money is depleted and it's ten days into the month. i'm sick of living this way. i wish i didn't have to keep struggling so hard. i don't believe in the magical process of discovery, but i know if the right person read one of my books i'd be on my way. but not knowing how to make that happen, i have to trust God to make the way, because no way exists for me at the moment. but i have faith. this is a ranting, a purging of the negativity that has been accumulating in me for some days now. my head is starting to hurt. i just want to take it easy, and i will. i cover today when the day ends. and i am grateful for the opportunity to re-enter the world with a better footing than i had when i stepped away from it.
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