...complicated, i know. but i need to get a bunch of shit out, and i need to actually recover from a trip i took to try to recover. as a reality i am dealing with, that sucks. but, i have to deal with it, and a lot of life will have to move forward from this point. so, as they say, on with the show.
first, let me start by saying this: HUMANS DO NOT OUTWIT DEMONS. that is a fact, and it is something i would urge every human of a spiritual bent to remember. things change, and things pass, but the demon's vocation will always remain the same; to fuck you up.
so on friday, i got up, i said prayers, i went to the gym. i had a good workout, treadmill and weights. i knew i was leaving for columbus that morning and wanted to cover all the basis. but i was already compromised. i'd gotten 2 letters the day before from social security. my daughter's benefits, 1/3 of the operating budget for the house, will be terminated next month when she turns 18. i had thought i would at least have until the end of the school year, but that is not to be. and i got the news on...December 1st. the day after the most depressing month in my history. the day after a really cool lead my my dad at our anniversary meeting that took me back down memory lane. i was thinking about it, trying to keep the rats from running that thought around my head free of charge. but the thought was there. as soon as february, definitely by april, i will have to find other accommodations.
i told Rachel about this as we were heading for columbus. i didn't want her thinking she was the object of my silence. but Rachel was in another place. we'll get to that shortly.
the trip was not eventful, though she fell asleep early and i had to do the drive pretty much solo. when we got to columbus i got an address from Keith and made my way to his house and my autonomy was immediately compromised, as a woman i know from the program lives right across from his house and was just pulling up as i sat waiting for Keith. i greeted her, asked about her health and sobriety and then Keith pulled up with Ronda. Ronda gave me a hug and was glad to meet Rachel, whom i introduced as my 'beloved', as Ronda has wanted me to find someone for years now. but we have to put that in Rachel's 'other place' for now. getting there.
we went into Keith's house, hunkered down briefly, even shot a game of pool until Keith came back with two of Ronda's daycare kids he was watching while she attended a cousin's funeral. we talked briefly and then Rachel and I went around the corner to Vera's flower galleria and spoke to her about a book signing possibility. she had family in as well, so we didn't stay as long as i'd have liked, nor was everything laid out as a plan but it was a start.
i took Rachel to Central Point to go thrift storing, but there was only one thrift store left in a corner that used to have three wonderful thrift stores. we shopped, i found some books and she got some stuff and then we went back to Keith's house. almost there.
at Keith's house, we ate (though we did eat at a horrible Wendy's not long before) and i nodded in and out as Rachel watched television. mind you, the initial plan was to get a hotel room for at least a night and perhaps two, but she advised she didn't require that. i knew she was lying, but the truth is, I DIDN'T REQUIRE IT AND NEVER DO. i have friends who accommodate me, and i take full advantage of their generosity, as i try to supply the same in return. so at a point, Rachel asked where a store was, she needed some water. Columbus water is a horror show, to be sure, and i told her i would take her because from the location of Keith's new house i couldn't tell her where a store was or one that would be open. we started at Krogers, which was closed, and went to a service station/convenience store. we got water and some other stuff.
here's the insert from earlier. throughout the journey that day, Rachel had been snarky with a sniper's aim. she was not overtly our outright bitchy. she would throw something out, a personal piece of sarcasm, and then duck back behind the facade of being on an adventure. not using turn signals to switch lanes (but she went to sleep and wouldn't help me stay up, nor did she offer to drive), my running through radio stations incessantly rather than just stopping on one (again, didn't help me stay up), not taking a bag from the thrift store when we were exiting (wasn't paying attention; we'd eaten breakfast much earlier and nothing in between and i was hungry and tired from driving all morning), and finally, leaving the convenience store, re-signifying about how 'your hands DO work, I see', at which point i felt it necessary to speak on it. not that those were all, but the last was the straw of legend.
she said she hadn't been aware she was sniping, was not doing anything but being herself and apologized but only to pacify me. i didn't worry about it, i had said what i had to say, that if i was doing something wrong i would love to be informed as to what it might be, and if not then i didn't understand why she kept jabbing at me. i knew we weren't finished with it, and i didn't want to give it any more energy. as she watched television, i faded in and out of sleep on a couch that gave practically no comfort. it would have been fine for just myself, however.
early saturday morning, i got up and went for a walk, as i needed a fourth day of workout this week. when i came back i went to the store, got toilet tissue, got coffee for us both and got some grapes. we were supposed to go to De'ja's house later that morning for breakfast. when i went to empty the trash Rachel fell asleep so i did all those things by myself. peaceful. she appreciated the coffee, she got up and we got things gathered together and went to De'ja's. that seemed to be a much better experience, and it surely was for me.
we had breakfast, Deja's girl got coffee for us, we got to shower and talk and figure out the day. Rachel seemed in better spirits and we ended up revisiting my concern of the day before. i told her if my perception was faulty then i was all apologies, but that was how i felt. we went to Kafe Kerouac, i left a missive for Mike the proprietor about possibly doing a book signing there again, we went across the street for Mexican and back to De'Ja's to crash. we laughed, we had fun, we went to two thrift stores and a dollar store to boot and we enjoyed each other.
but that lasted only a day.
today, sunday. good sleep on a bed, good waking, i went to get coffee for us. i got dressed, Rachel took a shower. we were heading to have breakfast with Patrice. some of the snark was back, but again i chose to ignore it. i had told Rachel i would pick my fights carefully and her discontentment coming out as sarcasm was not a fight i needed to hop into. we went to breakfast. i introduced Rachel to my good friend Patrice. throughout breakfast i could feel Rachel trying to gauge the dynamic between Patrice and myself. not going to go through the whole meal. i took Rachel to a cheap dollar store that Kim, Patrice's friend, had told us about. i'm tired now, so i'm going to wrap this up.
Rachel asked me if Patrice and I had dated. i told her no. she asked me about the woman who lives close to her, i told her TP. she asked if i'd dated her, i said no. i decided i was done. i had planned to stay in columbus until evening, but i didn't feel like dealing with Rachel any further and felt she needed to be home as did i. i got gas, then she asked if we were getting things for the road. i stopped at another station for supplies and she asked why i didn't just get gas at this station as well. she told me a tire looked low. i found a place to put air in and she asked me did it really need air, why didn't i check the gauge. and she fell asleep on the road back. she woke to speak to her daughter, but not to keep me awake.
i prayed every day. i did the best i could. i am emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained now. i'm going to lay down. i am grateful to God, and i love Rachel. that's all i have for the moment.
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