i went to visit my friend Bob today.
he's been around the program longer than I have. but he has less clean time than i do, because he wasn't done yet. but he's been doing well, sobriety-wise, for better than fourteen years now. he is, however, sick, has been for years. HIV. and he's taken his fair share of shit, even in the 90's, even in the new millennium, about his being gay. he's an older man. i consider him a friend, and i love him as a big brother. he is one of the few people who will get on my case about my attitude, even when it's not required. i love and respect anyone who will do that for me. he's in a nursing home rehabilitation. he has some bad habits, bad according to his health. but i have no judgment. i just want him to get better and live as long as he is able.
my mom went to the doctor today. i had to sternly advise her to call her doctor. she says that she can't figure out what exactly is wrong so she doesn't feel she should bother the doctor. it's an amazing dichotomy. used to be; my mother was always in the hospital, always feeling 'something was wrong' and my dad was the one who would never go. he retired, and it was like they were a wrestling tag team and she tagged out and he tagged in. but i suggested she ask him to take her, and according to her, he said he couldn't, as he had an appointment. probably true.
Lonnie is frazzled, but he laughs. his laughter is not easy, it's not comforting. his dad is over 90 years old. i'm sure i knew that, but i'm not sure i remembered. but he is, essentially, in the process of caring for his dying dad. atop everything else. Lonnie is an amazing human being, but even the most amazing human beings are...human.
i got up with prayer today, but no gym. i will go tomorrow, put in more time. i ate a good breakfast, i went to the store to get dinner stuff, i went to visit Bob and i came home. i talked to Rachel and Lonnie and my mother. i'm watching old episodes of WKRP. it's good to laugh. i have to time travel to find anything to laugh about though. this isn't an orbit. in three days, i begin my march. i hit the thrusters and lock the navigation on to the star that bears my name, but not my face. i am not afraid, but i am apprehensive and i don't like that either, because it does feel like fear. things are changing. money will be needed. no callback from JCC again, unless he called from a private number, which i surely did not recognize. i have bills due, some overdue. i have a child graduating in some months, turning 18 in less time. i have to start looking for quarters, as i won't be staying here when my income changes, either way. this has been a good place. there are real memories here. our moving in, and the police pulling over cars, guns drawn, in front of the property before everything was even in place inside. feuding with Mr. Krieg because of the condition the first neighbors left the back apartment in and him taking it out on me, and actually confronting him about it. Johnnie's getting sick. meals with family and friends coming by. TF's visits. the books, most of them written sitting in this corner i'm sitting in now. very hot summer nights, with no circulation. very cold winter days, with no insulation. Heather's using me, which brought about another low, but with a difference. i was preparing to leave orbit even then, but i wasn't aware of it. hindsight, and all that. Janice's Journal, The Book of Old Lazarus, The Girl Behind the Glass, all of them visions that were run through my brain by my overworked muse. from the Alero to a Cavalier to the Grand Marquis. life has gone on. Syd's permutations, her transitions and her changes still going on today. where will i go? what will my next iteration be?
i have no answers to those things. but i know that if i am blessed to watch the celestial odometer roll for planet earth, i'm going to start trying to live an amazing life, doing amazing things until they close the door in my face. and i will put everything on my Heavenly Father; it's the only thing that truly works.
in the program, we don't really do New Year's resolutions, because we have to live in 24 hour increments. so, Happy New Day.
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