...love is not love...

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark, 
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come; 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

- Billy Shakes - 

...okay, a little bit of Shakespeare, to begin this errant sunday.  I did not log yesterday, and it was an important leg of the journey, which requires the sonnet above to bring recollection and clarity to my existence...for today.

i woke up in a funk today.  i did not feel like going to either the Kingdom Hall or my CA meeting.  as it turns out, the Hall didn't have service due to the weather, and i just told the folks from the meeting i wasn't feeling well.  i said a touch of the flu, but it wasn't and if i came down with the flu i'd deserve it.  i did say prayers, do readings and finish the song i was working on.  i vegged, perhaps in preparation for the Veg-a-thon that approaches the coming weekend.  but i did not do the things that needed to be done. 

later today, i took my father $100 because he asked if i had $200 he could borrow until wednesday.  i took him what i could, and i hope it helps.  my scripture reading was about doing what you do because it needs to be done, and it was helpful.  most of the next two weeks involve doing a bunch of nothing, and on that note, i'm sure i can afford that loan.  

i've got kielbassa that i'm going to make for dinner tonight.  going to cut up a potato and an apple and and onion, pan fry them, add shredded cabbage, make it spicy, and add the kielbassa and perhaps a sprinkle of brown sugar.  something hot, sweet and savory, comfort on a cold night.  

...so, why the Billy Shakes?

yesterday, i prayed, i meditated, i read, i medicated, i bathed and groomed and i chilled.  i waited for Rachel to be ready to roll with me.  my mission was twofold.  One, to get gifts for the 'other' who is currently with my daughter.  Two, to go see my sponsor, whom i hadn't seen in the better part of two months.  Rachel was a bonus, or she started out that way.  

now, let me say before hand, because this is leaning toward my own understanding.  Rachel has parental programming issues at a (likely) unconscious level, perhaps even subconscious.  she speaks of her interaction with her mother as a series of signifying, sarcastic responses, coercion, manipulation, playing ends against the middle, pitting child against child, overbearing and oppressive heavy-handedness during their childhoods, etc.  Rachel is very easy going with her children, though she believes she is strict.  she is not, i stress NOT, a bad mother.  but she is not the disciplinarian she speaks of.  her children seem to observe her as a thing to be endured, not so much an authority to be subject to.  her son steals from her regularly, and has broken every promise he made while incarcerated, which goes unremarked for the most part.  her daughters all live in what seems to be borderline contempt for her, though from time to time they act with a sense of love.  i have every belief that a part of Rachel knows this, that she is not unaffected by it, and that she attempts to suppress it, which brings it out in other conduits.  her sarcasm seems to be merely a means of not being the 'low person' on the totem pole of her life.  all lay observations, of course.  

yesterday, Rachel was terse almost from the beginning.  she seemed to be trying to stay bright, but it was evident that she wasn't really into being out with me.  we went to Gabe's and to Ollie's and i found the number of shirts i was looking for.  we went to Wendy's for lunch, and there were small digs, but nothing major and i chose not to even respond, as i needed to see where it was going.  

at my sponsor's house, my sponsor's dog, whom i adore, licked my face, licked my mouth.  i permit this, because i love my sponsor's dog.  there is nothing that cannot be cleaned, and though i'm fairly allergic to pet dander i like to show affection to this pet, the same as i like to pat Eva, Rachel's daughter's Rottweiler, when the dog permits it.  Rachel made a deal of it, and i deflected it when we went into their house, my sponsor and his wife.  my sponsor was very animated conversationally, and he and Rachel engaged for quite some time.  my sponsor has grown older into a man who likes to retell his stories when he has the chance, and a fresh audience was good for him.  we stayed a couple of hours.  

when we left, Rachel again went back to the dog kissing me, and this time i addressed it as something that i had no intention of feeling bad about and nothing that i would ever think to hide from her.  i know she is a germophobe of sorts, but i did not make to kiss her after the dog licked my mouth, and i washed my face with soap before we left anyway.  then she said, once we had returned here, that she felt as she did about 'The Girl Behind the Glass', which was when she said i was condescending toward her in the story.  but she wouldn't clarify what she meant, and i told her that i'd assume she didn't want to actually work anything out since she didn't want to communicate any further.  i made us dinner, showed her how to make a CD for herself, and eventually took her home.  she said, on the way, that she likely had forgotten to take her medicine and that was why she was having her 'mood', but i think it's something more.  my only statement that could be perceived as condescending, from my memory (and having not talked very much its easy for me to remember) was that she was an 'amazing and talented woman who ended up trapped by Youngstown',  i feel that way and continue to.  she is talented, creative, poetic, artistic and imaginative.  she is analytical, she is philosophical, she is conversive and moves through a variety of subject matter with ease.  she has great empathy and great compassion.  and those things, in a society that was geared to nurture and develop that person, would make her a very successful woman at whatever she chose to be successful at.  Youngstown wants young black people to be the epitome of the national image of thugs, bitches, gangstas and what have you, because the so-called 'war on crime' needs built-in criminals to be funded.  i know she is going to find her north star.  but i will not be anyone's emotional punching bag because they get in a situation where they fell insecure and i speak something that is on my heart, completely complimentary.  i won't.  i've been through that shit before.  

so, i must remember, love is not love that alters where it alteration finds.  love is unconditional or it is not love.  RELATIONSHIPS, however, are best when they are NOT unconditional.  because if you accept anything, you end up with nothing you started out with.  and that's my experience too.  it's been a long day.  going to cook now, and get my ass in gear for a good tomorrow.  Thank you, Father.