across the border

man, death is busy lately.  i'm finding out that so many people died over the 'holy'days in the last two weeks.  lost a brother who was genuinely like a brother to me.  name was JD, and he was one of the angels who looked out for me as i was on my way down in my addiction.  his wife was the sister of one of my first girlfriends.  i knew his kids, had babysat for them before i got too bad and too deep in the hole.  it's just something to think how death sneaks around in the background of your life, picking people like flowers, or weeds in some cases, and you don't realize until you inventory the bouquet how empty your garden is becoming.  a little poetic, i know, but that's how i'm feeling.
so i didn't go to the gym today.  i got up, slow and sluggish and cold.  i said prayers, and i took meds and insulin and started writing on 'the book of old lazarus'.  i had breakfast, wrote some more, went back to lay down for a bit then got out of the house.  i went to visit my sponsor, who lost many relatives over the past several days and is not doing as well as any of us would like him to be either.  he's swollen from the steroids the doctors have him on, has been on oxygen for three years now, and while he's doing as well with it as he can, it's something perceptible now that he's not as good as he wants us to think.  but i have nothing that i can add, because there's nothing i can do about it.  his wife looks tired; caring for him is a very hard job, because he's not an easy person when his health was better.  but she's a nurse by education and profession, so she's doing what she needs to do.
i'm really excited about the coming year.  the campaign jumped off strong, but i have to find other sources of nominations in order to carry the momentum.  i am going to ask my dad if he can ask some people at his old job and some folks where he travels in his day to day routines.  i'm going to have my children ask their friends and networks.  i'm going to print up some informational stuff to put in libraries, at the community center and maybe at some bookstores.  either way, i have decided to end my exile.  its time to return to the person that i want to be, or to open up so that person can have some light and some air.  i mean, i'll be a flower or weed in someone's garden soon enough.  may as well be something exotic and rare, rather than just some thing that was deposited by bird shit.  i am grateful for the day, and i am thankful for the start of a new year, though it's all the same thing for me.