it continues. a friend from childhood lost her boyfriend of a few months in an apparent car accident. Celine Dion lost her husband and her brother within a week. went to a meeting and the speaker just spoke of the dead. truth is, everyone that i know is in the process of dying. i guess when you get older, you just notice that it touches around you more often, because you know that it is there, closer in your future than however many years ago. and you know that's cool. i am working on being a better me. i want to leave this world with something of value, and i believe i'm in the process of doing that. i don't know if i'll ever write War & Peace or Roots, but if i don't, i'll still have written Waiting for Jesus and The Other Tree, and that's more than i could have said ten years ago. things change, they always do.
today wasn't bad. talked to R for over 2 hours. haven't heard from TF again since her mom died. going to send her a text tonight, let her know i'm here if she needs me. i didn't clean my bathroom, but i will tomorrow. did some decent writing, bathed and groomed, sugar was good, eating was cool til this evening. had donuts staring me in the face all night, so i had one. but none came home with me, so it's progress.
i am making a soup for Lonnie, in return for the soup he made me. i'm worried about him, but he knows i'm here, and he knows i have soup for him. also, making spaghetti & meatballs for the meeting tomorrow. just because i didn't make the potluck because i was sick. i like cooking for people. there is something affirming about feeding people, i've always felt that way. eating is extending life, realistically and in our consciousness. that's why it used to be that mothers would feel assured if a child had a 'good appetite'. they were able to feed their child, they were giving their child continued life. i love the significance of soup. i've always loved the story of Jacob and Esau, and the blessing for the bowl of lamb stew. it is one of those things that you can scratch your head and ponder until your brain breaks, but it will always be what it is. Jacob ganked his brother for the nation of Israel. and you can't change that reality. but things worked out as they were supposed to. and there was no Mosaic law at that time, so officially Jacob wasn't under penalty of law. like i said, break dents. but life, that's a cool thing. and breaking bread is spiritual. you don't 'bless' a meal, you ask God to bless your meal. i don't know where that's going, but the soup is thick and hearty and not hot, as Lonnie can't do the hot stuff anymore. and there are 75 meatballs, hand mixed and hand rolled and baked and now slow cooking in a very good red sauce, and i'll do the pasta in the morning and i'm going to the kingdom hall and coming home to get my stuff and go to the meeting, or i'll just take it with me and heat it up there. either way, i feel good today. and i am very grateful for that.
we talked yesterday, VF and I, about joy with simple things. i saw someone at the meeting this evening who used to be a friend of mine but is now my dad's confederate and mostly irritating to me. i don't know exactly why. she's a social climber, and my dad was higher on the social ladder than i was. and she was grown and trying for security, and i was a kid and just trying to learn to fit in. but i find that my opinions of people, once they form, are very hard to change. or, more precisely, that when my feelings on someone sour, they don't often sweeten again. it's a character defect. its going to require some work on my part. i'm willing to do the work.
i'm going to take some meds for my gout, which is bugging me, and i'm going to crash. i'll do tomorrow as it comes, and i'll be grateful if i wake up, which is the biggest blessing of all right now. Thank you, Jehovah, for life and the awareness of it.
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