late night entry

...this orbit is not going well.
from the point that i am not really keeping track of my logs, to the difficulty i'm having actually getting back in my trajectory, i'm really beginning to wonder if i'll ever get my focus back.
i think i need to purge here, to get things out where i can see them, so that i can deal with them point by point.
to start with, the eating may be better, but better and good are two different things.  i have to start eating correctly again, and that's proving far more difficult than i believed, though i knew already it would be.  food plans and diets have the same requirement:  discipline of self, whether by God or by acceptance and perseverance.  if i cannot accept the parameters i previously set, i won't get the results that i say i want.  the insulin is down.  the numbers are better.  the results of the discipline are evident.  so what is the hold up?
point two, the interpersonal bullshit.  i'm irritable lately and not prone to giving people a lot of room in my life.  i feel as if its a waste of time trying to speak to T because she's nuts right now and not getting any less nuts.  R is about to go for a week, haven't spent time with her and barely spoke to her yesterday because i realized that the time we're not spending is by her choice, and that's not in my power to change.  no other company has been available, so its like back to famine, do not pass feast again, do not collect 200 bucks.  this shouldn't matter, but it does.  this should be par for the course, but the course sucks.  and again, am i just investing in the emotionally unavailable, or is it really that i saw hope and chose to believe in it?  i don't know if i really believe that anymore.  but the results speak for themselves.  i have to get back to one day at a time.  the day will bring what it brings and I will respond or react depending on my mental foundation and my spiritual conditioning.
three, i need to get busy again, and stay busy again.  the hoildays are done.  that's a poor excuse for this lethargy anyway, but its the only one i've got.  i know i fucked up.  not going to beat myself any longer for that.  the past will never change.  that's the truth.  but everything i do changes the possible future.  and that's something that i need to pay attention to.  so i have to take care of the things that will make the future bright again.  that's what i was doing before thanksgiving.  now i'm just pretending to do so.  which means the grown up is back in charge.  all the things i'm speaking of are head things.  head things is when the thoughts are racing, the 'reasoning' grows more pronounced than the 'emoting' and the 'intuiting', which is where toti is at his best.  i'm busy being in my 'rights' as opposed to doing what is best for me.  and that's also a sure sign that i'm still off track.  there are things i have to do to correct this bad trajectory.  to start with, back to an eating plan that i can stick with.  more on that when i have one, which i'm going to have to set this day, being after midnight now.  two, no less that four days a week at the gym.  including cardio at every workout.  there's time, but there's not forever.  three, have to put R and all the other women in God's hands and let them go.  i can't keep focusing on things that are not going to change my life for the better.  if R was really about this, i wouldn't be working this hard to make no progress.  and i'm not going to keep running this gamut.  she's a good woman.  but it's not for me to sell that point to her every day.  i'm going to get back to writing, to getting nominations for Mechanical Jesus, to working on the Book of Old Lazarus, to working on the inner journey, and when all that is done and i'm back where i need to be, flight wise, not destination wise, i might be able to focus on some other things.  i'm praying that this is done, because i have little chance without these things being implemented.  the past won't change, and its inaccessible physically.  it burns mental energy staying there, that can be applied to more worthwhile endeavors.  i wanted to get this down because i ended up crashing without writing and that's part of the problem too.  i'm not that tired.  my mind is just doing that much to spin my wheels and get nowhere.  time for a change, Father.  thank you for the awareness and the available strength to do so.