crossroads

well, we're now two days past the time wall.  human terms only, of course.  no word from R, her phone is off and i've not seen her since before christmas.  i think.  well, we did lunch on monday or tuesday, but i've spent no time with her, the calendar pages are turning and her trip to florida approaches.  it's time to face some facts and adjust some horizons.  but first, a day's recap.

prayer and cleaning.  that was the beginning of the day.  i got up to the smell of coffee, lazed in my bed, said my prayers and got up to check my sugar, take my meds and have breakfast.  had leftovers from dinner for breakfast, and conversely had breakfast for dinner today.  had coffee, my brother came knocking on my door because he needed a jump so i went out to help him.  cold as a motherfucker.  got back shortly, got started on my cleaning.  progress is coming nicely with tbool (acronym used from now on for The Book Of Old Lazarus).  it is going to be magnificant, i mean it.  tbool is writing itself.  i'm just trying to ride this beast.  anyway, i cleaned my section of the house, washed clothes, had lunch with a guy i sponsored and wrote some more.  i am going to be shutting it down shortly, tomorrow i intend to go to the hall and to my meeting, so i have no need to do the late night thing tonight.

so, here's my thing.  R has not been by.  R has three children at home.  two of them are older and both work.  one is younger than Syd.  xmas vacation is ended.  available time is done.  school starts again monday and she leaves for florida thursday.  so this is a week for details and leaving.  so she didn't choose to spend time with me.  that's the reality, regardless of the reason.
i believe the depression.  i believe the circumstances.  but i also believe that what's important to you, you make time for.  that's a truth.  people spend money they don't have on shit they want because it's important to them.  people neglect medicine because they don't care.  if i was that important, she would have made time for me.  therefore, i can safely say that wasn't high on her 'to-do' list for the week.  c'est la vie, no?

meanwhile, i have a coffee date with a very old friend saturday next.  i have a woman at a fast food place that i'd really like to go to dinner with.  TF has been showing through again.  i've been being still because i've been trying to invest emotionally in R, but if that's not something that's important to her, why should i deprive myself?  i think i'm going to see if my new friend wants to do a lunch or dinner thing on friday.  i hope i get to see R before she leaves, but i am not wanting a hug and a lukewarm good bye kiss and then wait til she gets back to town.  and i've a feeling that's the best she's going to be able to do.

well, enough musing.  we'll see what the day brings when the day comes.  grateful for the work today, and the rest.  Father, may I be grateful in shown ways.  good night.