I'm starting this entry early on a Saturday morning, because I didn't write yesterday. I mean, at all, I didn't work on Lazarus, I didn't work on the journal, i'm not even sure if i wrote any poetry. I was feeling bad almost from go, and i allowed it to sweep me up and try to drown me. I almost drowned in my own emotions. i've let myself slip, is the point, and I can see it now, by the grace of my Father and the benefits of actually journaling as regularly as i can.
case in point, it's time for me to get back to the basics i was at when i started this process. and to do that, i have to accept discipline. GENUINE discipline. holding myself to a standard and ethic and not allowing myself to be shaken so easily from that. because, an emotional onslaught such as this is my dis-ease trying to kill me. it will use anything that is in my own dossier against me, and emotions have always been its most powerful weapon. and all this mooning over R and the situation between us left me so open and weakened that it was an easy thing to sail me into a tumultuous sea. but, thank you VF, thank you to my earth-dad, thank you for years of recovery and scriptural and spiritual knowledge and experience, because i see it at this point, for what i believe it is, and i have the tools on hand to fight with. one of the promises in the Big Book of AA having to do with the process of making amends is 'we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us'. i believe that is due to actually garnering a significant amount of experience from previous situations to bring to bear on a present situation. i didn't stop. i slowed considerably, but i didn't stop. i continued to move, i continued to work on the book, i continued to believe. i still do. i sent R a text today. it may not be answered, but it is me reaching in. how bad does one feel when one can't reach out? it's a lousy feeling. it's a lousier feeling when no one is reaching in to you. so, perhaps she won't respond, but my text was a response to what is in me, not a reaction to what is outside of me. i remember an early bible lesson, says how Satan cannot read your heart as Jehovah can, but he does all he can to influence your heart and mind. that garners reactions, and reactions create reactions. dominoes fall, but only one domino is an action, only the first one requires the action of being knocked over. and even that first one reacts. even the ones behind them have been set up to fall, to react in ways that are not in their best interest. so, to respond. to be the domino that can get the hell out of the way, so to speak. it is a valuable lesson.
today i'm going to clean. my home is not filthy, but it is cluttered, as my thoughts. reaction. i am going to bring order to my thoughts. i am going to bring order to my home. and i am going to do what i need to do to be there for myself. and, by proxy, if i'm there for me i'm there for whomever else may come along. and this is what's important to me right now.
i woke up and was groggy because i haven't been sleeping well. (our program of recovery has wisdoms as well as suggested instructions. one of our wisdoms is that a person shouldn't let themselves get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, and if one of those things is out of whack it normally puts the others in a precarious position. they're warning signs) i got up yesterday and did not go to the gym. i was reacting. i did go to counseling but i wasn't really very open because i allowed myself to be hurt far worse than i should have been. after that, i came back home. i ended up going to lunch with Lonnie, which was cool. i went to my dad's thing for his organization and that, while not my cup of tea, was outside of the comfort zone, but i wasn't uncomfortable. it was a nice affair, i suppose. they had a jazz trio playing and i realized i wished R was there, and I think that started some of the loosening of the emotional vise grip my heart had been in. R would have enjoyed it, but i had no way of getting her there. and that meant that she's moved away, not that i've done anything. if one does nothing to push one away, one cannot do anything to pull one back. those decisions have to be made because of a change desired. so i got my dad home, came home myself and had something to eat a bit more substantial and i went to bed.
i got up this morning, another rough night, and i prayed and i started cleaning my bathroom, which is done before 8 in the am. i am writing in this while i'm sipping coffee that i made while i was cleaning. soon i'll check sugar, take insulin and medicines, and i'll have an omelet and toast for breakfast. but first, i'm going to start on my bedroom. i have to be good to me. if i'm not good to me, there's no reason to expect better from anyone else. i don't know what the day will bring, but i know who brought me to this day so there is purpose and direction. i just have to find it and follow it when it comes.
not as much left to tell as i thought there might be. i finished cleaning the crib, went for lunch but cooked dinner, i did some more proofing of Lazarus and sent another text to R. i've been pretty much just hanging back, and that's okay. i took a bath. read a bit. watched some television. there is not much else to do so i didn't do much else. and i'm okay with that. I don't know if i'll hear back from R, but i responded to what my feeling about the situation was, and i am cool with that too. i'm about done with this day, going to read and sleep. i have a feeling my sleep will be better tonight. that's my prayer anyway.
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