there is a time when a choice must be made. a person can feel a certain way, and it can be the blues. it can be the heaviness of the times we're living in, the insanity of opening your eyes in the morning and just turning on the television, opening a newspaper or getting online and going to a browser's front page. you see it, insanity rules everything at this point in history. nothing has a foundation, nothing is grounded in solid facts. everything is flexible and you either roll with it or it rolls over you. there hasn't seemed to be an alternative. you accept that people can just choose to deny the genetic makeup of their bodies, that cops can kill black people regardless of legality or motivation and get off scott-free, that food cost too much to eat and water is too poisoned to drink and air is too rare to breathe and a mind is no longer a terrible thing because we're all wasted and weed is pretty much legal and other drugs are going to follow soon. you accept that there are 'pedophile' dolls, sex dolls in the shape of little kids, supposedly to 'keep a pedophile from actually abusing a real child'. you accept that humans care more about animals than other humans. you accept that racism is once again en vogue, that hatred is the real campaign promise this year and that helping people to afford medical care is a 'bad thing' in the eyes of this country. you see the humiliation that a black woman who is a prominent politician endures in France and then you see that racism isn't really landlocked in America. you see children killing children, the elderly making ends meet by performing in sex vids, and you feel your brain begin to bleed, your feel your heart breaking kind of but really tearing, like pages from a thick book, until there's nothing left to read except the cover and the author's bio. and that's not enough for you to know what's going on. this is how i feel most days. i am trying to stick to my determination to be more social, to come out of seclusion, to open my heart and my home again and not be afraid of the repercussions. but i am not making great headway. i've been hesitant, lazy, restless, sleepless and grumpy. well. i'm tired of being tired. that's the bottom line right now. when i sit and write too long, which is never long enough, the weariness washes over me like a wave on the shore. when i lay down, my eyes won't lock and i'm cruising bullshit on the 'net for hours. i am tired of this living, this life. so i'm going to put it back on the front burner and get back to cooking like i know how to cook.
today was good enough. prayers and meeting, visited Lonnie, visited my mom. R called but didn't answer when I called back because i was in my meeting. Not hearing from TF, not expecting to. all is as well as it should be i guess, and if it could be better that 's a matter for people other than me to figure out. but tomorrow i go to the gym. tomorrow i take clothes to wash at my mom's house. tomorrow i go to make dinner for my mom and dad. and tomorrow i find the papers i need for J&FS, and get my stuff in for Disability. i have to get on the ball. and crying the blues ain't gonna do it. I thank you, Jehovah, for keeping me safe. it's time for me to start flying again.
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