heavy melancholy

been a bit since visuals were included.  it's been one of those days.  I question everything, and i get no answers.  i'm not sure why i'm bothering, but i know this is my adult mind trying to reason with the universe instead of just keeping it moving in the good direction we'd been going in.  problem is, it's like walking a footpath across a mountaintop.  on either side is a steep slide, and there's only about four inches of space on the footpath.  if you fuck up, if you decide fuck it, i'm going to slip for a minute, you find yourself sliding at an increasing velocity toward the bottom of the mountain.  then, if you survive the slide, you've got the arduous task of climbing the mountain again, getting back on the path, walking carefully and trying desperately to remember not to say 'fuck it' again, knowing in your heart there's every probability that you will, because that's the habit that you've developed that has you having to walk so damned cautiously in the first place.  that's where i am today, that's what it's like.

i said my prayers, had breakfast, cleaned my living room.  i talked to R, called to check on TF, and i laid about.  i took a bath, i had lunch.  i thought about going to the store, and decided not to.  i have been in my bed most of the day.  is it depression?  i can't say for sure.  i feel melancholy, my thoughts aren't bringing me resolution, i have some worries that are going to require actions tomorrow, i've got anxiety but not for any discernible reason.  i am lonely, and this is a game that i am truly not enjoying playing.  if there was money or some other commodity on the table i'd swear i was being played.  but there's not, and so i think it's the same old shit.  but it is far more wearisome at 47 than it was at 37, that's for damn sure.

i've had dinner, i talked to my mom, i washed dishes, put the soup away, and am back in my bed.  i'm going to pretend like i'm finding something to watch on Hulu or Netflix, but mostly i'm going to think until about three in the morning and then i'll pass out and wake too soon.  i am not as grateful as i should be.  i know this is true.  but i know whatever God's will is, it will be done in God's time and i will survive the meantime.  good night.