Twist and Shout...

at times, the best thing i can think to do is stay in bed.  it's not as profound as it was in my early sobriety.  then, the depression was such a heavy thing that i had days when all i could do was stay covered up in my room, going to the bathroom or to get something to eat.  now, i function, and i make do, but it's not the same as not feeling the heaviness of my personal atmosphere most of the time.

today i wish i could have stayed in bed.  getting up was okay; even after the meds for the neuropathy, i woke in fine fettle, got my ass in motion, ready for the world, more or less.  prayer and coffee and water and scripture and medicine and books of focus, i was dressed and bundled against the cold, ready to do the day. 

i got to work to learn that we were not running, as the workshops were closed for the day.  no harm, no foul.  it was just a late closing for them, so a late closing for us.  NBD.  i had counseling today, and decided that maybe i'd just chill at my parent's house.  i wanted to go to the stores, get my soup stuff, hit counseling, maybe make breakfast for my parents and then spend the rest of the day chilling at home. but such was not to be.  my dad got pissy because i reminded him of where his email address is, after the umpteenth time of him asking for it.  in fact, it was written down right next to the computer keyboard as well, and i have it as his background image on his computer page.  i know it's a 'getting old, feeling insecure' thing on his part, but i'm not really feeling the need to accept someone throwing aspersions at me because i've tried to help them all along.  and i told him so.  and i left, went home, lazed about and finally got my ass up and moving.  still got them fish sandwiches.  still hit counseling, still got to the stores.  went to lunch with Lonnie.  got my soup made.  went to dinner with TP.  printer is hooked up, seems to be working. i will clean tomorrow, will have company for lunch or whatever, depending on their show through.  i will take the day to take care of me, because i know a lot of my eating was out of line today.  i'm sabotaging and need to get a grip on that shit.  but i have to also have a good outlet for my emotions and i don't right now.  counseling is cool, but that's one day a week.  i can't really get it all out here; i'm more a verbosity type person.  and the thing with my dad is a perfect example.  frustrated eating, because i know i'm not wrong, but what good does it do me?  one more case where i might as well just stay out of everyone's way, and then the loneliness is much more pronounced.  i don't know.

i am grateful for the day, for the day off and for the soup.  i thank my Father for the provisions.