so, i got up as usual, but i slept in longer too. took some flu meds last night, preventative as everyone on the job is sick. when i got up, it was prayer and meds and breakfast as usual. i'd done my clothes last night so i could have jumped up at that point and went to the gym, but i didn't. i slowly prepped and went on my excursion to do some me-things.
i went to several stores, buying some needed things and some wanted items as well. i went by my parent's house, but didn't stay long. i went to lunch with Lonnie. i had gone to the Liberty run of grocery stores, the Eagle and Walmart, but i didn't find anything that was turning me on for soup so i was leaning toward taking a pass on it this weekend.
instead, i had decided to go to the Re-Store. this is a store in Struthers, where they sell household items, fixer up stuff, i guess from Habitat to Humanity projects. i've been there once since summer, because i was introduced to the place by Rachel. as i was leaving, the urge to see her came back on me strongly. in honesty, i was tempted to not go to the store at all. i still feel it whenever i go over that way. leading into what my opening was about.
anyway, i went to the IGA over there because i decided to buy myself a dinner for tonight. i was pleasantly surprised to find an abundance of the things i need to start my soup. i also got a nice fish dinner for myself for tonight. i would not have the rudiments to my soup had i not gone to struthers, i believe that.
Lonnie asked me out of concern about me still being so tied into the emotionality of Rachel at this point. i don't believe my answer was really sufficient, but he is my friend so he didn't press. but i have to look at it now.
i know there are angry parts. i have spoken on them in counseling. i know there is a mad because she hasn't gotten in touch with me at this point. i'm sure i am not trying to find a way to get my own way, because i'm not getting my own way and waiting months for something to manifest would be stupid. i can say that i'm angry. i can say that is not the dominant emotion. i can tell you that loving her is still dominant in my thoughts. and that if we talked, if she could come out from the place where she's stood away from me for so long, i'd welcome her back. but if she wanted to speak to me, she would have. and the same is true in reverse. maybe we truly have run the gamut of our time in each other's lives. maybe this really was good bye. i have no say over that. i only know that by going to Struthers and facing my apprehension, i got soup stuff. and somewhere in that is the spiritual lesson, and i have to find the answer to it. that's what moving on is really all about. i thank Jehovah for showing me what he has, and for allowing me to learn some things about myself today.
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