today's yesterday

putting this down before i go under.  today has been a pretty good day.  waking was good, the meeting was good, dinner was good.  i feel grateful, but i am still down and will not pretend otherwise.  that would be a disservice to myself.  it would also impede the healing process.  i don't know what the deal is, but Rachel is more on my mind now than she's been in a few months.  i guess as the stages of grieving have no particular order and no time limit, i've got my time to run the gamut of feelings in this.  it's okay, i'm working, i'm getting up and doing my things, i'm not just laying in my sadness, drinking it down like Jonestown Kool-aid.  but it still sucks.

i talked to my brother today, talked to Yvette as well.  i don't feel much of anything when i do these things, but they're important, to stay connected to my life as much as i can.  i find myself wondering why i bother having a phone at all, why i bother having a way people can access me, when it's apparent they're not going to.  but i try to keep focusing on the reality that i am doing what i do because i believe it is the will of my Father, not because friends are going to blossom by my actions.  writing this now, this is me trying to keep moving into tomorrow as best as i can.  today is already yesterday in some when than i'm connected to.  so i got to keep it moving, and remember to stay grateful.  i thank Jehovah for the blessing of today.