The End Begins, and so does the Beginning

i want to process some feelings, i feel it's necessary.  i think this picture will do, because it is how i'm feeling right now.  half in darkness, half in the light, backwards and without love.  and that's only so accurate, because i know i'm loved, i feel love from those who have been so generous with their concern and care.  but the space, the void, is large and encompassing, and it is as empty as it was in the middle of the summer, maybe bigger now because i live in more space to be lonely in.

i got up today the same time.  i'm glad in a way because it means i'm acclimating to being at work.  i moved slowly through the morning, just wasn't feeling like there was any particular rush.  having Friday cancel meant more time than usual, and that creates a sort of temporal anomaly in my personal time schematic.  but i did the stuff, all the stuff today.  read scriptures, read from the meditation books, took my insulin and pills, had a decent glucose reading.  had coffee and water and breakfast.  logged from the previous days in this log and at the Dining Room.  i decided i was going to just work on my dinner early, so i wouldn't have to chance things not being ready by dinnertime when my brother came through, if he did.  i talked to my mother several times, though not my father, not since Friday.  i shaved my face and head, but no shower, just a bird bath earlier.  and i got dressed.  and i got my ass to lunch with Marc.  everything restaurant-wise was crowded in Boardman this morning, but we got something at Yankee Kitchen and then i went to the meeting. 

it wasn't a long meeting but it was good and a bit melancholy.  afterward, i came home and got things heating up.  texted my brother and let him know he could come whenever he wanted, and he came and we had dinner.  we talked, and it was a very nice change of pace.  conversely, when S came over yesterday for soup (new friend, anon) i didn't try for bread breaking with her, and i'll get into that in a bit. 

suffice it to say, i am now in the shutting down phase.  i should actually be working toward bed, but that would eschew my shower and i'd like to get that done and over with tonight.  then all i have to do is get up and get on with it.  going to be a long week.  have an inservice tomorrow, some film i have to watch and paperwork that for some reason didn't get finished at the beginning of my work. so i have to tell Marc that i can't get with him until likely after 4 or the next day, which sucks because just that quick i forgot the work bullshit.

so, the matter.

S came by and she was supposed to stay for soup, but i scootched up her time frame of my availability.  i'm sure it's because i am lonely and lacking female company right now, and i would have done something friendship-threatening had i actually moved toward having her as a guest.  i don't want to do that.  i don't want a filler, and she is an exemplary friend, so anything else i attempted would be a reduction.  but the fact is, that that has to be a consideration is the truth of my mindspace right now.  i am alone, i am lonely.  they are not the same thing, but right now i am both.  i look forward to work, so at least i'll be around people, but the awful truth there is at the end of the day i'm alone again.  and i am grateful, regardless of how it sounds.  i am thankful for this house, my home, i'm grateful for the provisions and the resources.  i can also be, and am, missing someone in my life, missing Rachel, missing having friends to come by and create with me.  i miss that like you wouldn't believe.  not all the time, not even every day.  sometimes the day moves so quickly there's not time to miss anyone.  but times like this...

i think about Rachel and hope that she's happy.  at the same time, i hope she's missing me and miserable.  i hope her health is good, period.  i hope she's working and not gambling.  i hope she's taking care of her diabetes.  i wish she'd call me, but i know she won't and i know it's for the best.  i feel crazy with it, i feel as if my mind is twisted on the spindle of possibility that she'll get in touch with me.  and that's sick.  i listen to the echoes of the furnace, the sound of silence that pervades when the furnace shuts off in its cycle.  i even think about all the 'friends' whom i don't hear from at all.  i wonder how i feel about them, deep down in places i don't speak of.  do i hate them?  i don't think so.  would i like to hear from them?  i don't know; i don't even really want to talk to my own dad right now, with his bullshit.  but i know i miss that woman.  and for that reason, i didn't try to keep S here.  she's a new friend, and she's going to be a great asset to herself.  far more important than indulging me in my isms. 

so, i feel nuts, lonely and simmering.  but i am grateful to Jehovah that i can feel.  i still remember when i couldn't.