when i got out of bed this morning i was on point. i said my prayer and got my day started as usual. breakfast was already leftover from yesterday, so that was just a trip to the microwave. clothes got dried and put away, still reading in 1 Samuel about David's ascension to the throne of Israel and his ongoing skirmishes with Saul. i had decided to go to the Hall today, as my mom was wanting to go for a special talk and i didn't want her to have to struggle to get there by herself.
it was an okay service, i stayed for the Watchtower as well and nodded twice. i then took my mom home, went to the store for broccoli and cheese and had dinner shortly after with Jerry and his grandson. we talked and ate and i sent him home with cake and soup, so that was a good thing as well.
i'm back in listless mode. almost funny, because it's like i have no list of things to do right now. i'm not trying to create busywork for myself. i'm trying to stay in the pocket. bit of a cold, nothing hurting overtly. have to wash a few dishes, put soup away, food away, bowl up some Autumn Serenade for the Boss. i don't anticipate any major problems this week, but that's the secret with anticipation, isn't it? no way to ever know in advance, so you hope for the best, prepare for the possibility of the worst, and you take it a day at a time. that's life in recovery.
i think i've gotten a bit of traction on the Rachel thing. i remembered something, for some reason. i was thinking about it anyway. thinking about taking to Lonnie on Friday about it, and him thinking i was saying i've been paying her phone bill, when that stopped right after she left. i wasn't really thinking on that, though; i was thinking about the summer gearing up last year, and where i was in that situation. i was ready to invest in her transportation, so she could get a job, and i was ready to invest in putting money into the casino, so that we could spend time together doing something that she wanted to do. i look at that, at this time, and i think...is that the measure of loneliness? i don't do the casino. from time to time i'll play a number. but i did the internet cafe's to be around Rachel, and i stopped when i saw it was a problem. Rachel is a compulsive gambler, and she's got it pretty bad. i was willing to invest a portion of my income to spend time with someone doing something destructive to themselves. now, i'm not saying it's manipulative on her part. i'm saying that i was already in a 'losing ground' scenario and refusing to look at it. same thing with thinking about a car for her. cheap car, sure, but a car so she could get around, so she wouldn't be dependent on her mother. but that's not what the real deal was. the reality was, she needed to shake herself enough to get moving on her own needs, and she didn't need a rescuer. and no rescuer would have sufficed, because it would have just made it a situation of further dependency and people using...and i would have been eventually the people being used.
why do i process like that? i'm a good guy, not perfect but working on progress. i do the best i can, i try to live honest and principled. i wonder about it now, but i was going full tilt into a major league resentment, and i truly have to thank God for keeping me from that. but i didn't look at it until now, not clearly. i can see that she isn't getting in touch with me, and i've made that the be-all and end-all of the situation. but truth is, if she's alive she's living her life, and i am alive and living mine. these are choices i'm making. to be sad, to be angry, to be on the job in suspicion mode. i know what is going on in my life, and i either choose to deal with it or i keep riding this pity train until it goes off the fucking cliff. and i deserve better than that. and TOTI deserves better than that, and my friends deserve a better me than that.
people, places, things, situations and circumstances...accept what cannot be changed. my attitudes and actions...change the things i can. the difference becomes evident when the action begins to change. thank you, Father.
No comments:
Post a Comment