i'm realizing that this exhaustion is not normal. regardless of my age, and regardless of the earliness of my waking, i am tired more often than not. not to such an extent that i can't function through the day. but to an extent that i'm not getting done what needs to be done in my own life. that has to change. i haven't written here in 2 days, for instance. the manuscript for TO DECEMBER is finished, but i haven't even moved toward promoting it for next month's release. i have things i have to do. bills to pay, bills to get caught up on. the loneliness is pretty pervasive, yet i can't bring myself to move forward though i know i want at least a more abundant friendship amount in my life. i feel i lack a true gratitude, a true sense of appreciation for what i have. i'm trying, though. i truly am. maybe this is just the ongoing depression, the extended sense of despair in a world that actively justifies such a feeling. i still sit, more than in the past years recently, and wonder about a world without me, and think i could live with that reality, so to speak. i shake hard to get that thought off of me, but it is there, and i have to acknowledge it.
the work days have been good. i'm going to finish my scripture this morning, clean off my car, go get gas and get the day started. there's more snow outside. but i feel as if i'd rather just lay back down, go back to sleep for the day. and that's not going to happen.
i have my meeting this afternoon. i pray that Jehovah reveals the malady and the solution to me soon. i have faith that he will. and i'm sorry for my lack of consistency here.
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