...was this Friday???

shit, i don't know.  it didn't feel like any particular day at all.  something about having an actual day off, not a 'snow day' or a saturday/sunday but a day out of the norm, that is weird as hell.  but i know it was a friday, since i had counseling today.  dead giveaway.

i didn't hit the gym today, and i should have.  i don't know why.  the morning got away from me, though i did pray, had breakfast, did my readings and took my meds.  i washed a load of clothes, dried them too.  i was barely on time for counseling, a hair late in fact.  the not coming from work thing.  i had lunch with Lonnie today, and i went to my parent's house, cleaned the kitchen, took my dad some prune juice and made them breakfast.  i was at the store more than intended, but i do want to grill tomorrow and now i'm set for that action.  just need some smoked turkey for my greens. 

i watched a lot of anime today, put my grill together and mopped my floors.  i feel okay, not in any extraordinary pain.  i am going to clean a bit tomorrow,  gill and cook, work on To December, put in some apps, just general Saturday stuff.  i enjoyed today, and i will try to do the same tomorrow, if i'm blessed to wake up.  but this really did not feel like a friday.  thank you, Jehovah, for a peaceful journey today. 

The Dining Room

 

these pictures are from 5 years ago.  funny, i don't know even now if i remember this Tim.  i sure as fuck don't remember where i got that picture of the tree from.  i know this is in the apartment on Colonial.  i don't know what i was working on.  i know i was in old glasses then, and i'm due for a new pair soon.  i know i was still working on me, but not with any clear vision of the future then.  i don't know if Rachel was back in my life at that point.  but i know he made it.  i don't even know if the tree is still standing.  but i know i am.  and that's pretty damn good news, isn't it?  and the knowing of that thing is pretty important as well.

so today was one of them good enough days.  like, when i got up, i'd already done all my prep stuff the night before.  so i wasn't rushing.  i got my prayer done and did my readings, took my insulin and pills and made myself a breakfast sandwich.  i moved slow but still got to work early because that's my philosophy and it's working so far.  the day went fine, i did see my parents, i did get some stuff for Syd and Joe, and i talked to Syd about getting some perspective on the whole deal of not taking full advantage of benefits because of something Joe's mother is apparently running down to her. 

i'm home now, having eaten from a selection of leftovers and having a banana nut muffin for dessert.  i'm ready to shut it down, just because of the length of the past few days and the reality that i don't have to work tomorrow.  i'll wash some clothes, do some cleaning, get some meat prepped for saturday's grill, i'll do some editing and maybe even have a bit of company.  but tomorrow, i've got counseling, i've got lunch with Lonnie and i've got a store to hit.  so, thank you, Father, for everything, for every experience i've had and for the ones resolved without my knowledge, which are often the biggest blessings. 

refills

well, it took quite a while, but i have my Nifedipine.  i am glad that phase of this nightmare is over, and i can now move on to the next phase of it.  don't know exactly what that is, but i'll get through it.  God's grace.

today was a bad one though, extremely rough.  when i woke this morning, i was in pain from a gout/neuropathic flare up.  that was about 2 or so.  i didn't get right to sleep last night, not until about 9 or 10 did i drift off, so 2 in the am constituted a very short sleep and a very abrupt awakening.  i took minor meds, knowing i had to get up in about 2 hours for real.  once i did get up, i was hobbling about, just trying to get myself moving.  i debated calling off work, but i couldn't find the Ops director's phone number (in my wallet, duh, but i thought it was in the phone that toilet dived yesterday).  by 430 i was in 'fuck it' mode, so i got up, got my pain shit and gout and neuropathy shit into me, then the daily maintenance meds, and the insulin.  i drank water and cherry juice; no coffee.  i had a piece of peanut butter toast with a cup of milk.  and i got my ass dressed and rolling.  when i got to work i informed the lady at the desk that i needed the Ops Director's number and that i might not make it through the 2nd half of the day but i'd do my best with the 1st half. 

it was rough, but i guess i got the right combination of meds, as i was able to function on the bus without my cane and it eased up as the day went by.  i had a plan in place and i followed it. btw, i prayed this morning, turned the whole thing over to Jehovah before i split.  no other way i know to enter the day, pain or pain free.  anyway, i went to my parents, got some food to cook them dinner, i washed the dishes, apologized to my mother for my distance over the past couple days.  i made her coffee and got dishes put away.  apparently my dad had another accident, hit something in the parking lot down the street.  after i cooked, i went to get my blood pressure pills, and after a bit more fumbling, i got them.  YAY!

i got some lunch and finished out the day with a flourish, thanks to a can of starbucks espresso double shot and the continued need to not inform the clients of my pain.  they worry a lot.  we got everyone done, i got gas before i got in and am here now.  i've eaten, shaved and showered. i'm going to try to get some good sleep tonight.  the Boss is out tomorrow and i'll have a sub driver, someone i actually dig so that's no issue, just want to make sure i can be helpful.  other than that, nothing hurts bad, a pain in the low back but i' monitoring it right now.  i am grateful for my life and my blessings, and i thank Jehovah for bringing me through to the end of it all. 

The Stress...

...there's a nasty kind of headache associated with high blood pressure, elevated blood pressure anyway.  it's a lot like a sinus headache, in that it has a major presence behind your eyes, but it's deeper than that.  it also has a hold of your neck and shoulders.  you feel like you want to roll a tension out of them, or you want to crack your neck, but it ain't happening.  and all the while, there is the dull but persistent throbbing in your temples.  your scalp doesn't fit quite right.  thing is, it's worse when you finally get your blood pressure together.  because blood pressure medicine lowers your pressure quickly, and the pressure drop intensifies the entire pain threshold into a dynamic burst of sustained gunfire that no amount of tylenol is going to resolve, extra-strength or otherwise.  sometimes the mixture for a migraine headache will work (acetominaphen, aspirin and caffeine), but it is not a guarantee.  the real deal is you moan and rock, you suffer, you try to be as patient as you can, and in about 24 hours, you feel okay again. 

that is the detailed remembrance of what i have endured in days long gone, what i will likely endure in the all-too-near future, and what i am bearing up under now. and even now, at the precipice of restoration, they still don't have my medicine on hand, i'm still forced to wait another day.  i know this is a test.  but i do believe it is a test from other than Jehovah, for he does not try us by evil means.  the test is about response versus reaction, about being cool versus blowing my stack.  and i elect, thus far, to remain cool.  i'm doing the best i can, and maybe even a little better than that, we'll see.

what's gone on today?  well, i dropped my phone in a pissy toilet, and retrieved it, but it's dead right now.  i've not gotten my meds still.  i've gained 6 pounds since my last doctor visit.  so i've got to get my shit together on that front.  there is some issue with my medicare that i've got to investigate.  main thing is, though, that i'm getting by so far.  i'm on the verge of passing out now, that's been happening often.  i need to get my medicine tomorrow, but it's not in my hands and therefore acceptance is the key.  all i can honestly do is stay collected until it is resolved, then bear the weight of the pain until it passes.  and that, too, shall pass. 

i am grateful to Jehovah for the good, which are the blessings i need, and the not so good, which teach me the things i need to know for the next time. 

The Struggle...

i didn't post yesterday evening.  it wasn't a bad day, i'm just in compromised space.  for once, though, it's purely physical and not emotional or mental.  i don't know that makes it better, but it's different.

i still had Deja yesterday, he didn't leave until the evening, so when i woke up it was business as usual for me, except breakfast.  i prayed and meditated, i cleaned what needed to in the kitchen and had coffee and water.  when he finally woke, we went to breakfast.  after we ate we came back here.  i went to my meeting and he went exploring his memories, so to speak.  when i got back home, i just put dinner together, ate and watched television.  Deja came back and we watched some television and he ate before he left and i pretty much passed out (more on that momentarily). 

i had gotten myself together for work so today i got up and said my prayers and did my readings.  i ate no breakfast.  been a bit headachy for the past couple days.  i got to work and it was a good enough work day, as far as atmosphere and moods.  i went to my parents, made some necessary calls, got back for the second half of work and came home.  i reheated leftovers for dinner. i watched some television.  i just woke back up, about 930pm or so.  and i'm finishing this writing that i started about 7pm. 

i'm logging this here as a 'justincase'.  i'm sure my blood pressure is up now.  i have been out of my Nifedipine for the past week or so.  my doctor at One Health Ohio, Dr. Charlton, said she renewed all my scripts but she's out on maternity leave now.  that was about two weeks ago.  now these clowns are acting as if i didn't have an active prescription for the medicine that i've been taking for years now, for the condition that i've had for decades.  so i'm not really doing as well as i should be.  my energy is wonky and my head is pressurized.  i guess they have something ready for me right now, at their pharmacy.  that is what they told my regular pharmacy anyway, but of course i got that call after it was too late for me to pick up the medication.  i am faithful, and these things are in God's hands, of course.  but i truly hate when human interference makes simple things far more difficult than necessary. 

now, i'm going to finish this.  should anything happen, i hold the One Health Ohio on Wick avenue responsible, and i say that, in this writing, in my right mind, as much as can be said to that effect with this headache which will worsen exponentially when my blood pressure gets lowered. 

Yesterday....

the quality of a day.  it's a thing that you learn as the day goes by, with your eyes open and your heart engaged with what is going on in front of you.  it's events and circumstances that you don't try to control; you just let them unfold and experience them for what they are.  and they make you smile, if only to yourself, if only for a little while, because you realize life is not all bad, it has its moments of being pretty good, once in a while.

i didn't write yesterday, i was done in.  i had spent the day with my son, and with my daughter to a shorter extent.  but we had the opportunity to break bread as a family at one table, and that was a good thing.  it meant a lot to me.

i had some sad periods too, finding things from long ago as De'ja and i cleaned some of the basement.  old LP's and 45's, old books and memories, keepsakes and just icons from the past era that will not be coming back this way again.  i should and likely will take pictures of some of this stuff, but for the time, it was enough to bring a copy of Homer's "Odyssey" up to read and that the cobwebs and overt trash have been dealt with.

i did pray yesterday, did read my stuff.  due to miscommunications and some stupidity (likely on my own part as well), i'm out of my blood pressure medicine until the coming week.  so i'm doing as stress free a life as i can.  i have made a mighty soup, but it's not going to be a regular, as there is so very much involved in the making of it.  it's not perfect yet.  i wanted to get the essence of a very, very green soup, and i got it, and it is  powerful.  i'm glad i had help in ingredient choices.  i also did my readings, getting into David becoming the King of Judah after the death of Saul and his contention with Abner over the kingship of the entirety of Israel.  i got my clothes in from King Size, and i have to mark off the pants and take them tomorrow to get the hemming done.  i have my gym clothes ready.  i feel pretty good this morning and am glad to be beginning my day, but i'll write about that later.  for now, i am thanking Jehovah God for another day of life, and getting on with it.

the Dining Room

Children and Choices

sometimes, you only need a picture for the journey you're currently engaged in.  good night.  this is, btw, what i'm always grateful to God for. 

Silent Treatments, and other Misunderstandings...

sometimes you have to step back a hair.  you have to not fly as the urge hits you, lash out because something is rubbing you against the grain.  you have to take the deepest breath you can, blow it out,and look at the situation again, and likely, given enough of those deep breaths, you'll see it for what it actually is, rather than what it immediately strikes you as.  i'm happy to say, it doesn't take me days or hours of deep breaths to come to that point anymore, though i still have to do it on a regular basis.

today's breaths came courtesy of the Boss, who it took me all day to learn that she is under the weather now.  the bug has gotten ahold of her, sounds like, and she is not feeling well.  but rather than just say that, she engaged in conversation early, and then shut it down for the rest of the shift.  we started in the same place in the afternoon and ended with very few words exchanged. 

mind you, when her friend's mother died, i experienced the same thing with her, i was actually angry and resentful before i breathed deep enough and long enough to let it go.  but the experience itself was enough for me to look at one thing right off the bat:  i'd done nothing wrong to her, therefore i was not at fault and did not need to take anything personally.  and i didn't.  i hope she feels better, i truly do.  but she will in time, and when she does, life will have gone on.  that's the good thing about perspective; when its in use, it gives a person an advantage over their own lower nature, for the most part.

the second breathing incident is still taking place.  a young lady, the daughter of an old friend, is proving herself to be insane, in my observation.  but she commented on something i posted that has nothing whatever to do with her. that's not where it started from, though.  breathing through it, i can acknowledge that i asked her, last year, about an issue i was having with a keyboard and she tried to simply dismiss me in as terse a way as possible, and that pissed me right the fuck off.  i don't need to be your friend, but if you can't answer a question in a way that the asker finds useful, just say that off rip and i will keep it moving, more or less.  so, i have nothing really to say to this person any longer.  my way of dealing with people who get in my perimeter and show themselves to be nuts is to just leave them at the edge of things and get on with my life.  Facebook is not the center of my world, and it is not reality as i've learned to understand reality.  so i am inundated by it, but not drowning in it, thank heavens.  i don't need to 'unfriend' anyone, i don't need to delete comments nor do i need to argue my perspective.  i just leave it where it is, and keep living.  best way i know to do this life. 

so, today i did okay.  ate cool, prayed and read and took my  meds.  i worked and made my parents pancakes for breakfast.  i have eaten dinner, i've cleaned my kitchen and downstairs bathroom and really just need to sweep my living room floor.  Deja should be here tomorrow evening and Syd should be here on Saturday.  so i don't want to do my weekly cleaning; i intend to have Deja help me with the basement.  few hours, we should be done with the bulk of it and then i can again move on with my life.  but i had a good enough day, and i'm glad that it's moving toward its conclusion now.  i thank Jehovah for breath and perspective, and i pray for my driver, that she may heal and be well soon. 

Snow Day, again

another day, another snow.  it is the second day of spring, after all, which means next to nothing these days. 

i made it to work again, sliding all the way across the city, down McGuffey, across Albert and Logan, up the hills in Liberty and did a 270 degree spin in the Walmart driveway, getting to work with all nerves firing like overoiled pistons...to eventually be sent home because the workshops closed due to the snow, long after just about everything else in Trumbull county closed.  it was cool though.  i helped make the calls to the other employees to stay home if they hadn't come in, and i went to the gym before i went home myself, seeing some old friends due to the earlier time i managed to get there today. 

other than that, a normal wednesday, i guess.  i did pray, did take my meds and read my books, did have breakfast, did get to work in good time, did do the meeting, though by that point my motivation was waning a bit.  the amount of snow, i guess that was a bit of a motivation killer for me, but it doesn't matter now.  it's almost 530 in the evening.  i'm going to make my dinner, wash my dishes and watch some television until i shut it down for the night.  tomorrow will be a work day, and i've already showered and shaved so i'm ready for that as well. 

i am having a formatting issue with my new book, and it may cause me some delays, but i don't care.  it's what i'm working on, i want this one to be formatted right and i'm going to take my time to that effect.  i feel good about where things are in my life right now. i even looked on indeed.com, trying to see what jobs might be available.  just to keep myself moving in the right direction, i guess. 

i talked to Lonnie quite a bit today.  i called Yvette but got no answer.  i talked to my mother and brother.  i talked to a 'resident' from CCA who was at the meeting.  i feel good enough today, especially with getting to the gym.  so i'm going to get this thing done and in the can, and shut it down, and be ready for tomorrow should tomorrow actually come.  and i'm going to thank my Father for the privilege of life today, i am blessed. 

The Dining Room

Churning...

Tuesday morning, about to be Tuesday afternoon.  I'm not feeling well today.  It's been one of those days for me so far.  I woke okay, said my prayers, read and took my medicine.  I had breakfast and got myself ready for work.  I didn't shower yesterday though I did shave, so I got that done too. 

Churning, pretty much now.  I think the sausage I had for breakfast may have been a bit off, or something is trying to worm its way into me.  I was planning on the gym, but I came to my parent's house and went to the bathroom and went to sleep instead.  now, I'm planning to get something to eat, hoping my stomach can hold it together, and finish the day.  Nothing else really to do.  I feel good otherwise, got green beans for my mother, water for the bus and am wearing my hoodie because it's cold as hell again.  but that's about the end of that.  I don't have much else to say, just wanted to get this done because I have no idea how I'm going to feel later on.

good day

Monday...how did i forget?  i didn't even register that i had not written of my day until this morning, Tuesday. so, another update.

it just seemed like an ordinary day when i woke up.  i wasn't in a particular mood.  i realized on Sunday that i was ready to go to work, that i was ready to get it started.  i guess there's something about being in a house by yourself that makes the prospect of being at work far more appealing.  but i got up, i prayed, i went to the kitchen and had my coffee, not very much of that.  i've begun reducing my caffeine intake and i guess the next step is to replace the morning cup with a Starbucks double shot espresso in the can and be done with it til the weekend, as brewing even half a pot is making less sense.  i took my medicine, read my books, got myself together for work and got out the door.  i stopped at Walmart and got an apple for the Boss as i was taking her some of my soup, and i got a baker's dozen glazed donuts for the people at work.  i did not partake of the donuts.

at work, i had what turned out to be a very good day.  it was lively, conversive, animated and involved.  i just let myself enjoy the day.  and i am thanking my Creator for that, as my realization about where things are and what things had become last year allowed me to let it go for a moment, and that is a blessing.

i went to my parent's house between runs.  i was going to hit the gym, but the monday meeting was moved up to 930 and that threw me off a bit, and then my mother wasn't feeling very well, so i stayed to keep an eye on her.  i went to Giant Eagle, got us both a salad for lunch.  i wanted to fix them breakfast but there wasn't really anything there and even the bacon that was there was moldy.  never saw that before.

the afternoon finished as well as the morning had went, and i made my way home.  i shaved my head and face, cooked and ate my dinner, played around on the computer a bit, editing TO DECEMBER for an hour and shut it down.  that was the day, and it didn't involve consciously not journaling, but it didn't really involve much of anything consciously.

i can say that i'm feeling myself distancing from Yvette again.  i have no illusions about her health, about where she might be at and i know i can't relate to what it is to be in a hospice, with an expiration date placed on you.  but i can also say i don't intend to bear the brunt of anyone's bad feelings any longer.  not my father, not Yvette, not anyone else.  she was pretty busted up for a couple days this weekend, according to her, and is still pretty busted up for no discernible reason, according to her, but she signified that somehow i had just  not wanted to talk to her because she hadn't heard from me.  it makes me want to not bother, i'll be honest.  but at the same time, i am trying to be good at my word that i'm not going to just bail on her.  i don't feel guilt, either, about he past.  i only feel that i have to figure in the karma aspects, as i get older, that i have to think about my own end-of-life and how alone i want to be during that period. but for now, i did call her yesterday around six, got no answer, and then got a call about 9pm, which i didn't answer because i was in bed.  i don't know...

i had a great day, and i'm thankful to Jehovah for the blessing.

Situations and Circumstances

Sunday, middle of March.  in less than 30 days i'll be officially half a century old.  i feel every minute of it.  and then some.  for a Sunday, this has been a pretty good day.  but there are still lingering things, things that will need to be addressed in the coming weeks.  progress must resume.  the path is too good to surrender it to insanity.

when i got out of bed this morning i was on point.  i said my prayer and got my day started as usual.  breakfast was already leftover from yesterday, so that was just a trip to the microwave.  clothes got dried and put away, still reading in 1 Samuel about David's ascension to the throne of Israel and his ongoing skirmishes with Saul.  i had decided to go to the Hall today, as my mom was wanting to go for a special talk and i didn't want her to have to struggle to get there by herself. 

it was an okay service, i stayed for the Watchtower as well and nodded twice.  i then took my mom home, went to the store for broccoli and cheese and had dinner shortly after with Jerry and his grandson.  we talked and ate and i sent him home with cake and soup, so that was a good thing as well. 

i'm back in listless mode.  almost funny, because it's like i have no list of things to do right now.  i'm not trying to create busywork for myself.  i'm trying to stay in the pocket.  bit of a cold, nothing hurting overtly.  have to wash a few dishes, put soup away, food away, bowl up some Autumn Serenade for the Boss.  i don't anticipate any major problems this week, but that's the secret with anticipation, isn't it?  no way to ever know in advance, so you hope for the best, prepare for the possibility of the worst, and you take it a day at a time.  that's life in recovery.

i think i've gotten a bit of traction on the Rachel thing.  i remembered something, for some reason.  i was thinking about it anyway.  thinking about taking to Lonnie on Friday about it, and him thinking i was saying i've been paying her phone bill, when that stopped right after she left.  i wasn't really thinking on that, though; i was thinking about the summer gearing up last year, and where i was in that situation.  i was ready to invest in her transportation, so she could get a job, and i was ready to invest in putting money into the casino, so that we could spend time together doing something that she wanted to do.  i look at that, at this time, and i think...is that the measure of loneliness?  i don't do the casino.  from time to time i'll play a number.  but i did the internet cafe's to be around Rachel, and i stopped when i saw it was a problem.  Rachel is a compulsive gambler, and she's got it pretty bad.  i was willing to invest a portion of my income to spend time with someone doing something destructive to themselves.  now, i'm not saying it's manipulative on her part.  i'm saying that i was already in a 'losing ground' scenario and refusing to look at it.  same thing with thinking about a car for her.  cheap car, sure, but a car so she could get around, so she wouldn't be dependent on her mother.  but that's not what the real deal was.  the reality was, she needed to shake herself enough to get moving on her own needs, and she didn't need a rescuer.  and no rescuer would have sufficed, because it would have just made it a situation of further dependency and people using...and i would have been eventually the people being used.

why do i process like that?  i'm a good guy, not perfect but working on progress.  i do the best i can, i try to live honest and principled.  i wonder about it now, but i was going full tilt into a major league resentment, and i truly have to thank God for keeping me from that.  but i didn't look at it until now, not clearly.  i can see that she isn't getting in touch with me, and i've made that the be-all and end-all of the situation.  but truth is, if she's alive she's living her life, and i am alive and living mine.  these are choices i'm making.  to be sad, to be angry, to be on the job in suspicion mode.  i know what is going on in my life, and i either choose to deal with it or i keep riding this pity train until it goes off the fucking cliff.  and i deserve better than that.  and TOTI deserves better than that, and my friends deserve a better me than that. 

people, places, things, situations and circumstances...accept what cannot be changed.  my attitudes and actions...change the things i can.  the difference becomes evident when the action begins to change.  thank you, Father. 

bleh

it' almost time for bed.  another weekend is mostly over.  i didn't do much, but there wasn't much to do to be fair.  but i feel okay, just disconnected and lonely.  neither are unusual states of existence for me right now.

i got up at the usual time for me these days.  i said my prayer on my knees, which was good.  i got up and started coffee warming and had my water and my medicine and my readings.  i made a frittata for breakfast, i ate and read and thought about why i seemed so out of it.  i didn't have an answer to that.  i didn't feel much like cleaning.  i didn't feel much like doing anything, so that's exactly what i did.  eventually i made my way to my parent's house, and i hung there for about an hour.  i talked to my dad and mom, and i went to the store and i came home.  my brother is planning on coming by for dinner tomorrow with his grandson after church, so i wanted to make sure i had something to feed them.

i came home and started working on my stuffed cabbage while i ate lunch.  i also took down my coat and hoodie and some odds and ends clothes and washed them.  i did no editing.  i watched some anime online, i nodded briefly, i thought about the no one (besides Lonnie) that i can call on a regular basis.  i listened to the sound of my thoughts so i could hear them in my voice.  eventually i had dinner and am about to go to bed.  i'm going to take my mom to the Hall tomorrow, i'm skipping the meeting as my brother is coming by.

i did order some clothes online, and i am glad that i did.  i have done nothing really for myself since i started this position, and it seems a nice thing to do.  i don't know why i'm feeling this void of emotions.  i have no real motivation it seems.  during the week, i get up because i have to, and i do my job because it's my job.  but on the weekend it doesn't seem to matter.  if i get up, fine, if i don't fine.  i don't always feel this way, either.  last week i was up and cleaning, and i felt good doing it.  this week, Rachel runs through my brain and i feel the hollowness of my own life.

regardless, i am grateful to Jehovah for the blessing of one more day of life.

The Dining Room

In the Reflecting Light...

it's friday.  didn't have to work today, as the workshops are having an inservice.  so i've been doing me-things most of the day, which is nice as i rarely do them anymore. me-things, that is.  from the midst of them, i've found some truths that i hope help to set me free when the time comes.  whether they do or not, i'm better knowing them, as we all are. 

so, i got up as usual, but i slept in longer too.  took some flu meds last night, preventative as everyone on the job is sick.  when i got up, it was prayer and meds and breakfast as usual.  i'd done my clothes last night so i could have jumped up at that point and went to the gym, but i didn't.  i slowly prepped and went on my excursion to do some me-things. 

i went to several stores, buying some needed things and some wanted items as well.  i went by my parent's house, but didn't stay long.  i went to lunch with Lonnie.  i had gone to the Liberty run of grocery stores, the Eagle and Walmart, but i didn't find anything that was turning me on for soup so i was leaning toward taking a pass on it this weekend.

instead, i had decided to go to the Re-Store.  this is a store in Struthers, where they sell household items, fixer up stuff, i guess from Habitat to Humanity projects.  i've been there once since summer, because i was introduced to the place by Rachel.  as i was leaving, the urge to see her came back on me strongly.  in honesty, i was tempted to not go to the store at all.  i still feel it whenever i go over that way.  leading into what my opening was about. 

anyway, i went to the IGA over there because i decided to buy myself a dinner for tonight.  i was pleasantly surprised to find an abundance of the things i need to start my soup.  i also got a nice fish dinner for myself for tonight.  i would not have the rudiments to my soup had i not gone to struthers, i believe that. 

Lonnie asked me out of concern about me still being so tied into the emotionality of Rachel at this point.  i don't believe my answer was really sufficient, but he is my friend so he didn't press.  but i have to look at it now.

i know there are angry parts.  i have spoken on them in counseling.  i know there is a mad because she hasn't gotten in touch with me at this point.  i'm sure i am not trying to find a way to get my own way, because i'm not getting my own way and waiting months for something to manifest would be stupid.  i can say that i'm angry.  i can say that is not the dominant emotion.  i can tell you that loving her is still dominant in my thoughts.  and that if we talked, if she could come out from the place where she's stood away from me for so long, i'd welcome her back.  but if she wanted to speak to me, she would have.  and the same is true in reverse.  maybe we truly have run the gamut of our time in each other's lives.  maybe this really was good bye.  i have no say over that.  i only know that by going to Struthers and facing my apprehension, i got soup stuff.  and somewhere in that is the spiritual lesson, and i have to find the answer to it.  that's what moving on is really all about.  i thank Jehovah for showing me what he has, and for allowing me to learn some things about myself today. 

Dissention

today was not the best of days, though i had no problem with it.  because the 'not best of days' did not belong to me, and i choose not to take that on today.  

i got up just fine, in fact, slept deeper than the alarm but not enough that i didn't turn it off and get started.  i had my prayer and my breakfast and my readings and meds.  i got started by warming the car and thinking on things to come.  when i got to work, there was already a storm brewing.  people were starting to feel the effects that corporate are manipulating, and the sides are shaping up for war.  it's funny; you see something once, and then no matter how many times it presents itself, how many times you come back to it, you see it again and again.  i watch this shit in America in 2018, i watch it on my job since i've gotten there.  i just don't let either take me anywhere i choose not to go.  i worked, i got to my meeting, saw my mother, talked to the folks i needed to talk to.  i 

it was a good day on the bus, and it was a good day at home.  i've been re-editing To December, trying to learn more about proper formatting.  i've been still thinking heavily about Rachel, but i'm not falling to pieces over the thoughts.  i've been sleeping okay, seem to be trying to get a cold, but that's normal for this time of year for me.  50 approaches, no great trepidation within that i can discern.  stumbled a couple times today, caught myself both times, made me more angry with me than anything.  i have old man moments, but i always have and, at this point, i guess i always will.

called and talked to my son and my sponsor today.  good spectrum.

i'm going to get some sleep now, but i wanted to say that i am grateful to God to be right-sized and in his graces.  good night.

yesterday was pretty much a bust, writing-wise, as the discombobulation from the DST had me out of orbit completely.  i feel some better today, so i'm getting back on track.

i didn't really do anything so extraordinary yesterday.  i had a short day at work, we had our weekly meeting in which i saw the beginning of the crumbling of the facade, and the shape of the ugly reality within.  i visited my parents, i cooked myself dinner and i slept farely well, though not as much as i'd truly like to right about now.

well, today i got up, said my prayer, got my life moving with my readings and my medication.  i got a little breakfast into me, got my ass to work too early again.  the route was short, as we had a couple clients not there and one who left the workshop early.  between runs i went to my parent's house, changed clothes and went to the gym, YAY.  i went back to visit, went back to work, got the second runs of the day done and came home.  i have eaten dinner, worked on the pagination of my book and am now laying down medicated.  nothing earth shattering, as i aluded to, no great shakes.  but i am tired, have been for days now, and am trying to keep perspective on the 'what comes next' question that is burning in my brain.  something does, that's for sure.  and i only need to know so much.  this is truly a God thing, for which i am grateful.  but i am trying to stay out of my own way, to not force things to happen but to see what's at the end of my road.  and if i do see, i will keep walking until i get there; but God's will, not mine, be done, and i thank God for his will in my life today. 

The Lost Hour

Sunday evening now.  the day is quiet again.  Syd has long gone home, to the drama that her life is now.  i've done the day, and all that it held, and am now working on TO DECEMBER, trying to get it ready for purchase.  it's been a long day, and the lost hour doesn't make it any better. 

i was glad for Sydney's company yesterday and today.  i know she has a rough way to go, and i hate to impose upon her, but sometimes i do have need of some relatively sane presence in my life, and she is at least of my genetic material.  watching anime with her, making us meals, it was a lot like some of the more calm old days that we had.  no complaints.

i got up before 5, which i found odd considering how poorly i fell into sleep and how much medicine i had to take to get the gout flare to settle down.  regardless, i was up, i did move slow through the day and Syd was up early as well.  i said my prayers, she got the coffee pot started and i got breakfast on for us.  i did take my meds, take my readings as well.  she got herself cleaned up and i did as well.  she'd planned to come to the meeting with me, but her back was hurting and i took her home.  i'm more inclined toward the belief that she was just not wanting to be in her own space, as she and Joe are really in a bad way right now.  but i took her home, came back for a spell, gathered my meeting things and made my way there.  had two pick ups today, and one was disruptive at the meeting but we aren't all on the same page or in the same place.  i left the meeting, went to Lonnie's house, had dinner there and watched a movie and now i am at home working on my book.  i had an issue with Adobe yesterday as far as working on the metrics of the manuscript but i got it worked out and am moving forward now.

i wanted to jot this stuff down, so that i stayed on track and am attempting some consistency.  i'm glad that i got to do the things that i did, and i'm grateful to Jehovah as always, as i received what i needed when i needed it, without really having to ask for it at all. 

A Good Day

yesterday's absence was not a mistake.  by the time i got off work, i'd had a gout flare that had me hobbling just to get to my car.  i did manage to get to the doctor's appointment i had and home, and managed to eat some dinner but i did not get to the restaurant i wanted to check out.  i got some meds and cherry juice into my body, and i got some early rest, as it was accompanied by chills and feeling like i was freezing.  but after i slept the night through, i could move better today, and after re-dosing i'm feeling pretty okay today. 

so i got up and said my prayer, and i got out of the bed and limped into the kitchen.  i did my readings with my coffee and water, and i took my insulin and meds. one thing i found yesterday was i'm down to 356, and my goal for my birthday is 350, so i'm going to get all the way back on and adjust my birthday goal to 340, because that's doable. 

anyway, i had breakfast, got my clothes into the wash and got started cleaning.  i got the major stuff done and went to the grocery store to get my stuff for my soup, now lovingly called 'Meatball Medly Soup'.  i talked to my mom, Yvette and my dad, who actually stopped by as he was in the neighborhood.  Syd got here around 2 and i was already well into the process of making my soup, having done all my prep and worked toward the combining of ingredients.  once it was all combined we went to the Re-Store in Struthers (i know) but they were closed.  i was looking for lamp shades for my lamps that DB (the Boss) gave me.  we got home, we watched some anime while i got dinner going and we ate and are now shutting down the shop. 

i had a moment of disorientation, dropping several things and just being clumsy.  it really does seem to have something to do with someone in my zone, which now is this house.  but i am not complaining.  Syd and i have had a chance to talk, to break bread and spend some time.  i appreciate that, and i needed to have family near for a brief time.  so i'm grateful to Jehovah for this day, and i even started formatting my book for publication.  can't complain too much, eh?  on to The Dining Room.

sans title

i'm writing this at 2 in the morning on friday because i again just fell into sleep yesterday evening.  had dinner, laid down on the computer and went to sleep.  it wasn't a bad day, but i have some things to address this evening that will change some of that perspective about thursday, most likely.

anyway, i was up far too early, couldn't get to sleep and didn't actually go under until about 11 or so, then woke at 12 and again at 330 and was unable to go back under.  i did say my prayer, got my readings done, took my meds and got dressed.  i had no breakfast so much of the remaining time was just laying about.  that made work a drag, slow and ponderous.  not hard though.  i went to my parent's house between runs, made them breakfast and got some steak and onions cooked for their dinner.  i went back to work, we finished out easier and i came home.  took a shower and shaved for the next day, had my dinner, stacked the few dishes i had and put it down.  as per the pattern and par for the course anymore.

i saw some dicrepancies on my time card at work i am going to have to address.  i am not ever filled with confidence that such things can be tended to by the local business office, and so there is some trepidation, but i'm going to do it anyway to establish a chain of command that i can climb as well as the fact of me being fully aware of who i am and what i do.  but we'll see how that turns out.  i am grateful to God for my job, for my resources and for my life. 

today's yesterday

putting this down before i go under.  today has been a pretty good day.  waking was good, the meeting was good, dinner was good.  i feel grateful, but i am still down and will not pretend otherwise.  that would be a disservice to myself.  it would also impede the healing process.  i don't know what the deal is, but Rachel is more on my mind now than she's been in a few months.  i guess as the stages of grieving have no particular order and no time limit, i've got my time to run the gamut of feelings in this.  it's okay, i'm working, i'm getting up and doing my things, i'm not just laying in my sadness, drinking it down like Jonestown Kool-aid.  but it still sucks.

i talked to my brother today, talked to Yvette as well.  i don't feel much of anything when i do these things, but they're important, to stay connected to my life as much as i can.  i find myself wondering why i bother having a phone at all, why i bother having a way people can access me, when it's apparent they're not going to.  but i try to keep focusing on the reality that i am doing what i do because i believe it is the will of my Father, not because friends are going to blossom by my actions.  writing this now, this is me trying to keep moving into tomorrow as best as i can.  today is already yesterday in some when than i'm connected to.  so i got to keep it moving, and remember to stay grateful.  i thank Jehovah for the blessing of today. 

out of sorts, still

i'm realizing that this exhaustion is not normal.  regardless of my age, and regardless of the earliness of my waking, i am tired more often than not.  not to such an extent that i can't function through the day.  but to an extent that i'm not getting done what needs to be done in my own life.  that has to change.  i haven't written here in 2 days, for instance. the manuscript for TO DECEMBER is finished, but i haven't even moved toward promoting it for next month's release.  i have things i have to do.  bills to pay, bills to get caught up on.  the loneliness is pretty pervasive, yet i can't bring myself to move forward though i know i want at least a more abundant friendship amount in my life.  i feel i lack a true gratitude, a true sense of appreciation for what i have.  i'm trying, though. i truly am.  maybe this is just the ongoing depression, the extended sense of despair in a world that actively justifies such a feeling.  i still sit, more than in the past years recently, and wonder about a world without me, and think i could live with that reality, so to speak.  i shake hard to get that thought off of me, but it is there, and i have to acknowledge it.  

the work days have been good.  i'm going to finish my scripture this morning, clean off my car, go get gas and get the day started.  there's more snow outside.  but i feel as if i'd rather just lay back down, go back to sleep for the day.  and that's not going to happen.  

i have my meeting this afternoon.  i pray that Jehovah reveals the malady and the solution to me soon.  i have faith that he will.  and i'm sorry for my lack of consistency here.  

The End Begins, and so does the Beginning

i want to process some feelings, i feel it's necessary.  i think this picture will do, because it is how i'm feeling right now.  half in darkness, half in the light, backwards and without love.  and that's only so accurate, because i know i'm loved, i feel love from those who have been so generous with their concern and care.  but the space, the void, is large and encompassing, and it is as empty as it was in the middle of the summer, maybe bigger now because i live in more space to be lonely in.

i got up today the same time.  i'm glad in a way because it means i'm acclimating to being at work.  i moved slowly through the morning, just wasn't feeling like there was any particular rush.  having Friday cancel meant more time than usual, and that creates a sort of temporal anomaly in my personal time schematic.  but i did the stuff, all the stuff today.  read scriptures, read from the meditation books, took my insulin and pills, had a decent glucose reading.  had coffee and water and breakfast.  logged from the previous days in this log and at the Dining Room.  i decided i was going to just work on my dinner early, so i wouldn't have to chance things not being ready by dinnertime when my brother came through, if he did.  i talked to my mother several times, though not my father, not since Friday.  i shaved my face and head, but no shower, just a bird bath earlier.  and i got dressed.  and i got my ass to lunch with Marc.  everything restaurant-wise was crowded in Boardman this morning, but we got something at Yankee Kitchen and then i went to the meeting. 

it wasn't a long meeting but it was good and a bit melancholy.  afterward, i came home and got things heating up.  texted my brother and let him know he could come whenever he wanted, and he came and we had dinner.  we talked, and it was a very nice change of pace.  conversely, when S came over yesterday for soup (new friend, anon) i didn't try for bread breaking with her, and i'll get into that in a bit. 

suffice it to say, i am now in the shutting down phase.  i should actually be working toward bed, but that would eschew my shower and i'd like to get that done and over with tonight.  then all i have to do is get up and get on with it.  going to be a long week.  have an inservice tomorrow, some film i have to watch and paperwork that for some reason didn't get finished at the beginning of my work. so i have to tell Marc that i can't get with him until likely after 4 or the next day, which sucks because just that quick i forgot the work bullshit.

so, the matter.

S came by and she was supposed to stay for soup, but i scootched up her time frame of my availability.  i'm sure it's because i am lonely and lacking female company right now, and i would have done something friendship-threatening had i actually moved toward having her as a guest.  i don't want to do that.  i don't want a filler, and she is an exemplary friend, so anything else i attempted would be a reduction.  but the fact is, that that has to be a consideration is the truth of my mindspace right now.  i am alone, i am lonely.  they are not the same thing, but right now i am both.  i look forward to work, so at least i'll be around people, but the awful truth there is at the end of the day i'm alone again.  and i am grateful, regardless of how it sounds.  i am thankful for this house, my home, i'm grateful for the provisions and the resources.  i can also be, and am, missing someone in my life, missing Rachel, missing having friends to come by and create with me.  i miss that like you wouldn't believe.  not all the time, not even every day.  sometimes the day moves so quickly there's not time to miss anyone.  but times like this...

i think about Rachel and hope that she's happy.  at the same time, i hope she's missing me and miserable.  i hope her health is good, period.  i hope she's working and not gambling.  i hope she's taking care of her diabetes.  i wish she'd call me, but i know she won't and i know it's for the best.  i feel crazy with it, i feel as if my mind is twisted on the spindle of possibility that she'll get in touch with me.  and that's sick.  i listen to the echoes of the furnace, the sound of silence that pervades when the furnace shuts off in its cycle.  i even think about all the 'friends' whom i don't hear from at all.  i wonder how i feel about them, deep down in places i don't speak of.  do i hate them?  i don't think so.  would i like to hear from them?  i don't know; i don't even really want to talk to my own dad right now, with his bullshit.  but i know i miss that woman.  and for that reason, i didn't try to keep S here.  she's a new friend, and she's going to be a great asset to herself.  far more important than indulging me in my isms. 

so, i feel nuts, lonely and simmering.  but i am grateful to Jehovah that i can feel.  i still remember when i couldn't. 

Prognosticative...

...getting this in early from yesterday, but first my Sunday prayer.

so i didn't write yesterday, the exhaustion still creeping upon me.  though i did better yesterday, having more energy and getting some things done, i didn't have 100 percent by a far sight.  so when i got up and got moving, it was mostly just to have my body in motion.  i said my prayers and took my meds but did no readings.  i was up early as well, far too early, and watched some television until the sun came up. 

i did wash clothes, did clean my downstairs but not thoroughly.  i did finish my soup, did a trip to the store for some things for my dinner yesterday, but i didn't get the house completely done.  i've still not been back to my parent's house, but i've talked to my mother several times and will go by tomorrow. 

i ate less disciplined than i had been in the previous month.  i see that as problematic.  i am trying to get back on track, but it's always easier to stay disciplined than to restore discipline.  i think the loneliness has something to do with it.  i had to slightly derail dinner company yesterday, as i was feeling ways i know better than, response to the empty house syndrome i'm dealing with now.  not 'empty nest', empty HOUSE, for this is not my nest, unless i am a starling or a crow, and it is still without a voice...often lacking even my own.  so i need to start working on real changes here, beginning with my attitude and showing it through my actions.  otherwise, i'm one bad decision away from completely restoring my madness.  also have to log at the Dining Room today, can't keep neglecting that. 

i'm thankful to Jehovah for waking me today, and looking forward to the day ahead. 

Twist and Shout...

at times, the best thing i can think to do is stay in bed.  it's not as profound as it was in my early sobriety.  then, the depression was such a heavy thing that i had days when all i could do was stay covered up in my room, going to the bathroom or to get something to eat.  now, i function, and i make do, but it's not the same as not feeling the heaviness of my personal atmosphere most of the time.

today i wish i could have stayed in bed.  getting up was okay; even after the meds for the neuropathy, i woke in fine fettle, got my ass in motion, ready for the world, more or less.  prayer and coffee and water and scripture and medicine and books of focus, i was dressed and bundled against the cold, ready to do the day. 

i got to work to learn that we were not running, as the workshops were closed for the day.  no harm, no foul.  it was just a late closing for them, so a late closing for us.  NBD.  i had counseling today, and decided that maybe i'd just chill at my parent's house.  i wanted to go to the stores, get my soup stuff, hit counseling, maybe make breakfast for my parents and then spend the rest of the day chilling at home. but such was not to be.  my dad got pissy because i reminded him of where his email address is, after the umpteenth time of him asking for it.  in fact, it was written down right next to the computer keyboard as well, and i have it as his background image on his computer page.  i know it's a 'getting old, feeling insecure' thing on his part, but i'm not really feeling the need to accept someone throwing aspersions at me because i've tried to help them all along.  and i told him so.  and i left, went home, lazed about and finally got my ass up and moving.  still got them fish sandwiches.  still hit counseling, still got to the stores.  went to lunch with Lonnie.  got my soup made.  went to dinner with TP.  printer is hooked up, seems to be working. i will clean tomorrow, will have company for lunch or whatever, depending on their show through.  i will take the day to take care of me, because i know a lot of my eating was out of line today.  i'm sabotaging and need to get a grip on that shit.  but i have to also have a good outlet for my emotions and i don't right now.  counseling is cool, but that's one day a week.  i can't really get it all out here; i'm more a verbosity type person.  and the thing with my dad is a perfect example.  frustrated eating, because i know i'm not wrong, but what good does it do me?  one more case where i might as well just stay out of everyone's way, and then the loneliness is much more pronounced.  i don't know.

i am grateful for the day, for the day off and for the soup.  i thank my Father for the provisions. 

In The Fight

Today was a better day. I'm doing this on my phone, because I seem to have some spare energy today.  But this ain't gonna be War & Peace, guaranteed.

I mean, as I said earlier, I slept but it did not good. I was groggy, slow and unwilling. But I prayed, read and medicated. I ate light and got to work.

Work was quiet and uneventful. My parents were doing okay. I had lunch at Fortune Garden and finished the work day.  I think the worst part was the rain, but tomorrow will be snow, so...

Anyway, my eating was more responsive and I felt grateful about that. Now I'm home, watching TV, I've eaten and prepped for tomorrow. I am grateful to Jehovah for this day.

Wearing Down...

even the moon is not restoring me right now.

this is Thursday morning.  I didn't write yesterday, because this exhaustion is now a daily occurrence.  i wake to it, it gets worse as the day goes on, i sleep by falling into unconsciousness, waking to prepare the sleep rituals of the normal night (binaural beats video, comfortable positioning).  but there is something not right.  i honestly don't know if i'm incubating a flu or what, but i am truly concerned about when it pushes on through, whatever it might be. 

there is always a consideration that must be taken, when one is getting older. 

okay, so i got up yesterday, sluggish and out of sorts.  the alarm woke me, and i did get it moving, but it was with great difficulty.  i had my prayer, my coffee and water, my medicines and my meditations and my scriptures.  i ate breakfast.  i got myself together.  the night before, i'd spoken at an AA meeting, which went well, but it had me up til past 10pm, and that wasn't good. 

but i got out of the house, got to work, got the day started.  the first half wasn't bad, except for the fact that i had to pee while we were in route.  it doesn't happen often, and my bladder has been reconditioning itself to accept the 2 1/2 hour wait until we return to the office.  but it was urgent and insistent, and before the last pick-up we had to stop so that i, literally and physically restraining myself from peeing on myself, could get into a bathroom. it was the kind of thing where, as a man, you just hop out and stand on the side of your car and do what you need to do. 

but we finished.  and i got it moving again.  i stopped at my parents for a moment, went to pick up Syd from her doctor's appointment, took her home and grabbed a quick, unsatisfying lunch.  i made my way back to work, and we finished out the day.  but i was already worn out by the afternoon.  i had to stay with one of the wheelchairs because i knew it only had 3 of the 4 hooks securing it, and i did get the 4th hook in place but it wasn't done correctly.  after we got done, i went to Sav-a-Lot in Hubbard, got some sausages, some wings and some veggies and came home.  i made my dinner, laid down and passed out.  that seems to be the thing these days.  no variation to speak of. 

i haven't really watched television in days.  haven't tried to write, haven't edited, haven't worked on any music other than the video edit.  i am up now for Thursday, and could easily go back to bed.  whatever this is, i am putting it into God's hands, and i pray for His will to be done with it.  i am grateful for life, and that includes the bad as well as the good.