Salt

i am back on the north side now.  it's not a bad thing, but it is one of those acceptance deals, where you have to look at the whole of a situation before you decide to just let a mood jump off into your atmosphere.

i'm here because tomorrow i have to call the water department to have the water turned back on in my house.  i knew it was coming because my father had warned me about my sister's out of control water bill.  but it's not my sister's bill, necessarily.  it's a combination, mostly my cousin, as it hasn't been paid in the past 7 months or so.  even that is strange, because the water company is notorious for not giving a fuck about excuses.  if you don't pay, you don't get service.

but i am grateful, because i now know that i have to get it on in my name, and that's okay.  i'm also still waiting for my next to last work check, but i am being patient with that at the moment.  if it's not there by tomorrow morning i'm going to CCA and ask them what is going on exactly.  their pay dates are the 15th and the 30th, so it should have hit my account today.  it is just another example of how they tend to do things like they're a storefront church, rather than a government/corporate funded entity.  but that's their business.  mine is getting paid and getting on with my life.

the meeting was good.  i've decided that i can start letting go.  i said, at the start of all this, that pain makes a person selfish by default.  when you're hurting, you're all about you.  the good thing about a Program that works is that it runs even when you're not tending to it.  like having automatic updates set on your Windows so when you finally log back in you're caught up and ready for work.  and that's a blessing that i doubt if even the founders thought they'd installed.  so i thank God for the opportunity to see myself more clearly, i am grateful that i can get moving again, and i am blessed to have a place to go, as so many people wouldn't even have a primary residence, let alone a plan B just in case they had to get a utility cut back on.

and i got my trash picked up, and i got a shower, and i got my chili put away so i still have food for the next two to three days.  thank you, Father.

Time.

eventually, there has to come a point where there is a getting on with it.  and that is usually a decision that is made, and the subsequent actions that denote the validity of the decision.

it's time to get on with it.

i got up this morning after another night of up and down pissing.  kind of tired of that, but the bladder's gonna do what it's gonna do.  slept well enough otherwise.  i have prayed, i've read scripture, i've read from a daily meditation book.  i've had breakfast, two scrambled eggs with cheese, a sausage and a piece of toast.  a chocolate chip cookie, because why not?  two cups of coffee, a cup of milk, and two glasses of water.  i've searched for coffee on sale, as we need some for the meeting today, and i am going to go to Sav-a-lot to buy some Folgers as they have it on sale right now.  

yesterday i went by my parent's house to pick up my insulin and other meds.  i talked to my mom for a bit, and i talked to my dad as well.  i'd gotten a communication from Syd, and we're scheduled to have a meal and a visit on Saturday, but i place no validity on that.  nothing on her, i just believe what i can perceive anymore, i don't take anyone's word for anything unless they've shown a capacity for good self-judgment in the recent past.  i talked to my sponsor two days ago and am scheduled to visit him after the meeting today.  i am going to do exactly that, but i am not going to pour my soul out to him, regardless of his desire to teach someone something.  its nothing against him; i'm working on me, and i'm willing to do the work.  not that i couldn't use some guidance, right about now.  but i'm going to keep trudging and eventually i'm going to come out of this tunnel.  

i had a good chili and cornbread for dinner yesterday.  i went to an auction with my uncle, but found nothing i was looking for.  it was interesting to see people hungry in the throes of their purchasing frenzy.  like watching the patrons at the strip clubs when i was younger, knowing that money was about to be given for a momentary thrill and then disappointment.  

i feel okay today.  i don't need anymore than that to start the day.  clothes are washed, dishes will be, and i will be too.  about to take my first shower in this house...YIKES.  don't have bath accessories just yet.  waiting for my money to load from CCA, hope they're not fucking around on this shit.  but if they are, I have more faith in my God than in their resentment.  

it's good to be able to say that.  I have faith.  i believe things are what they are supposed to be, that i'm where i'm supposed to be, and that i'm going where i'm supposed to go.  

i miss Rachel still, but that's not the worst thing in the world.  

thank you, Jehovah, for your patience and your provisions.  

later.  

sad things...

to discover that you actually need to paint your pain a gaudy fluorescent pink and throw it at most people's heads before they begin to see that perhaps you actually have pain, and that perhaps they may be a bit negligent in knowing that, is one of the most sad and sorry discoveries a person can have.

to be at a point where that's not a discovery but simply one more fact of life is much more sad, but by that point the numbness has likely set in.

this wasn't a bad day.  it was a day of realizations and a day of getting honest with myself.  i got up and moved pretty slow, but i moved.  made coffee, got my prayer in, made my way to the north side pretty early.  i was up and down all night, and though the reality of sleeping in a bed again is heaven itself, my bladder was urging me to experience the sensations while in motion.  so i was up and down, in and out of sleep and i decided after a point to just get up.  i didn't make breakfast because i didn't want the same thing i had yesterday, though i'll likely have a variation of it tomorrow morning.  i went to Walmart, got a toilet seat and speaker wire and a disc cleaner, and i went to my parent's house. got the paper from the box and went in to take care of what i could.

i found my mom sitting at the kitchen table, pondering making a pot of coffee while speaking to her youngest.  i made her coffee, made her an omelet, put away food articles from the previous day, washed the dishes and put the dry ones away, took the trash out, started and finished dinner for them and took a shower and shaved.  i finished cooking dinner, changed clothes, gathered up a few more things and made my way back east again.

i wrote a thing on FB about how i've been feeling (a season of loss) and just vented about where i am and what's going on inside my head.  no details.  i don't want to share that stuff out, because people have had a chance to ask and mostly have not.  so now, when i say something directly, people start to ask, and while it may seem to be the responsible thing to do, i stated that i was asking for no sympathy, empathy nor understanding, but just voicing something that's been living in my head.

i heated dinner, have washed three loads, dried two and brought one up the stairs.  i've put speakers on my stereo but it's still not reading the disc and i don't want to open it up and see about cleaning the eye, so i'm just going to leave it as a better radio for now.  i have eaten, had dessert and washed my dishes.  i didn't change the toilet seat because i lack pliers, but i'll get a pair tomorrow and take care of it.

don't think i'm doing much tomorrow.  going to get these clothes finished. maybe wash the mattress upstairs so i can set up the bedroom.  go buy dinner and cook for myself.  do some reading, that would be nice.  i put in some applications today, and i am getting tired now.  i'm grateful to have been able to cook for my folks.  i thank you, Jehovah, for bringing me through this day, regardless of me.

...in the process, continued...

this day is done, for the most part.

i have observations to make, things that are on my mind.  it has been a productive enough day, but my head is still researching certain things, and i need to get some of this out in order to make sense of things for myself.  it's not that i just HAVE to know, as its not always my place to make those sorts of demands on either God or the universe.  but if it is within my ability to understand something clearly, then i'd like to do so.  i don't believe there's anything wrong with that.

first off, since breakfast i did some things that were pretty productive, but i could have done more.  i got the wifi hooked up, got my devices online.  i got the bed set up, and i even took a brief nap.  i went to the flea market, but i didn't find the speaker wire i was looking for, so i couldn't hook up the stereo, but i'll get that tomorrow.  i also didn't wash any clothes.  but i will go to the basement tomorrow, take down these clothes that need washed as a trial run kind of thing, and then by wednesday i'll have my clothes here.

i did cook, chicken baked and dressing from scratch and green beans and mushrooms.  had apple pie and ice cream for dessert.  my brother didn't make it; didn't hear from him at all.  but Lonnie came by.  he brought me some house warming stuff, a can opener, a whisk, dishcloths and towels.  very thoughtful, a kitchen knife.  he had dinner and dessert and he hung out a while and we talked.  he left about 8 i guess.  i came in and closed up and am back in bed, in the front room.  i am tired, but i want to get this done.  i have to get my habits back in right order, in right direction.  i don't know of any other way to really start making sense of my life again.

like, this is as alone as i've been in years and years.  i have, since i've gotten sober, always been in the proximity of someone or other,  parents, girlfriend, children, wife, etc.  now, i wake up to my thoughts and my prayer and whatever comes down the pike for the day.  breakfast was cool, dinner was cool, the flea market was okay.  but i just never thought this would be my solo time. and that it is is not coincidence; i don't believe in that.  it is what has come to pass, and therefore it is the way it's supposed to be at the moment.  Lonnie spoke existentially, as in this is just what i'm choosing for myself, it's where i've chosen to be at  this time.  true enough, but it is in the path of me seeking God's will, at least i think it is.

it also clarifies to me that i don't have a great deal of friends anymore.  well, it exemplifies it.  i could backtrack; i could apologize for having feelings, for being human.  i could make amends to things i didn't break.  i'm not perfect, not by a damn sight.  but i try to own the things i do, and i am in the habit now of letting people be where they are if they can't see me when i'm right in front of them.  so, yes, i could try to make things 'right' with a whole lot of people.  but that would not appease the sense inside me that i am in need of someone to give a damn just because i'm worth that damn, or someone should be here or come visit just because i might like a bit of company, or some help cleaning, or whatever.  oh well.

this guy was on my banister today.  he didn't like me being this close to him.  i think he was there to remind me that seasons and things change, and change is a part of this world and everything in it.  i say that because afterward it disappeared.  yeah, change,

thank you, Father, for a good start.

...in the process...

it's early Sunday morning.  my back is hurting some, but not as bad as earlier yesterday.  i've not slept much, and i'm going to sleep more by the feel of it.  but i have things to do this morning, and delaying is not going to get them done.

yesterday was a good day, with some learning moments.  i got up and said my prayer (which i have to do before i leave this basement today) and i got it started.  my plan was to do more garage sailing and find some other things i needed.  i was also going to start planning a trip to Columbus, just to get some me time in away from all the details of this city.  before i had a chance to sail, i stopped to check the Vindicator online and found a place that had a queen sized bed for a price i liked.  now i know i actually had a king sized bed on Colonial, but i also know it wouldn't have done me any good here.  God knows best.

i got the bed, got a frame, got my brother Jerry to come and pick it up and deliver it to my house.  we could not get the box spring up the stairwell.  just too big and too inflexible.  mattress, yes.  box spring, no.  so we brought it back down, and that was that.  going to set it up on the bottom floor and that's going to kind of determine the whole feel of the house.  but that's the learning part, and it's part of learning.

afterward, i kind of chilled.  made my way back north, hung out at the parent's house for a bit.  nice to be able to draw that distinction more often.  i'd made my breakfast before i left, and i had lunch here also.  then i watched some television and contemplated a nap.  i was tired, and i was sore, but i also had some other things to do.  went to some stores, got more supplies, got some groceries and went back to my house.  i hung the blessing VF got for me, and i cleaned my downstairs bathroom.  still have to get a toilet seat for downstairs.  one of my chores this morning, i believe.

i am going to set up my bed this morning.  i'm going to do some prep for dinner this morning.  i'm going to set up my coffee pot and my stereo this morning.  i'm going to take a nap today, and i'm going to sleep in my house today.  those are my goals.  i'm going to try to get to my CA meeting today.  that is also a goal.  but i'm mostly trying to keep settling in.  have to set up my wifi and see if it works.  still am going to have to get my desktop and my clothes and get them moved also.

communicated with Syd, told her i could use her help, she said she would and then backed out for reason or excuse.  not unexpected.  talked to De'ja months ago, said let him know when i was moving and he'd come help and he didn't.  not unexpected.

met a woman yesterday, and she invited me to a gallery showing and i went, which was good.  and it was boring as hell and i left early.  i'm twenty years past trying to infiltrate someone's circle of life.  guess maybe i am a bit jaded now.

i'm grateful for all the blessings, and it's time to get moving.  thank you, Jehovah, for the new day.

ps...1st breakfast.

Garage Sailing

have to do an early morning tomorrow, so this should have been done, but i've been fucking around.  one of the things i do, uncreative and repetitious.  nonetheless, i'm going to do it now.

today was fairly nondescript.  the interesting points were the fact that i quit working at CCA today, i finished the conversation with my dad that has been hanging silently for the better part of the last week, i made my boss at CCA worried about me (unintentional) and i found a bunch of stuff at garage sales that only added to my melancholy.  i really have to find a bed still, it is time for me to move on to the next phase.

so i got up, around seven today, and i said my prayer.  i got moving rather slowly, because i had counseling, and i had already decided to email my boss and let her know i wasn't coming back to work. i got out of the bed, went down to take my meds and insulin.  i did not make my mom a pot of coffee, because i did so yesterday before she woke up and when she did get up she thought it was old and poured it out and made another fresh pot.  i surmised she could take care of it herself and went to get some breakfast and to counseling.

counseling was sad.  my counselor gave me a nice housewarming hanging, a blessing for my home.  i was sad because honestly, i didn't feel like i deserved a blessing, the way i've been feeling lately.  but i am grateful, because it is a very thoughtful and spirit-based gift, and i am going to hang it when i get to my place tomorrow.  after counseling, i went to a rummage sale at a church, got a crock pot and a toaster and started yard sailing (my term.  there's also garage sailing, which is what i actually did, and thrift whoring, which i like most)  i hit four of them, have dishes, a mixer with bowl and attachments, silverware, glasses, a stock pot and a tambourine.  i also have a kitchen table now.  that's a find, and it's going to help with a part of this process.

tomorrow, i'm gathering things from the basement and getting them loaded, and then i'm going to take them to the house and start setting up.  that's the plan, other than find more sales, try to find a queen sized bed and hope that Rachel got the email about the steam heaters that i found that she needs for her mother's house.  i didn't buy them; just got a contact number and took pictures of them.

the talk with my dad started as me leaving my job did, with a letter.  i wrote out how i was feeling yesterday and had intended to print it and give it to him.  not as a way of passively communicating, mind you, but because i can write without emotionalism, whereas in a freefall conversation i usually end up angry and biting words to keep from being disrespectful.  we talked and i felt like i got my point across.  i don't think he's really going to change because of one conversation, as no previous conversation has done that particular trick, but i do believe i've given it all i've got.  then we went to Goodwill for their half-off weekend and to a neighbors where i found my kitchen table.  my brother and his grandsons came and got the table and we all went to my house and put it in.

so, that's been my day.  i'm in need of a shower (morning).  i'm going to go to more sales tomorrow.  i've got Syd coming to help in the morning (perhaps).  i just want to get to where i can spend one night there.  that will give me all i need to know.  but its a good start.  i believe that in my heart.

i am blessed, and i am grateful.  i'm just more blessed than i know, and nowhere near as grateful as i should be.  but i'm trying, Father.  you know my heart.

...bite the goddamned bullet...

...seems like i am not going to be able to shake these blues, no matter what.  i'm so fucking tired of this underneath sadness that travels the entire day with me.  i just want to stop moving, and i can't seem to find any friends who will listen.  other than Lonnie.  maybe i really am just a ghost in my own life now, maybe i'm somewhere dead, just watching the last of this play out before my eyes before the pain stops and everything is orderly again.  i don't know.  suicide sounds so stupid, to just cancel the ticket in the middle of the ride. but what if the ride has no better place than where i've been?  what if there's nothing more exciting than what i've lost?  what's the point in continuing if that is the truth?

i got up with no inclination to go to the house today.  so i got up rather slow.  i went to take my meds, heated up my mom's coffee and had a small omelet and toast for breakfast.  i came back to the attic, got some clothes on and tried to figure the direction of the day.  likely my first mistake, trying to figure out what i should do instead of just letting God roll the day out and i just work on being ready.

we had our noon meeting, and that was okay, and we were done early which was okay too.  i took myself to lunch and then i went and did the shopping my mother asked me to.  i got different stuff than my dad would routinely get, i made my mom and dad lasagna and salad for dinner, and had my mother cutting up vegetables for salads, to put in small containers and put in the fridge for when she needs quick ingredients for breakfast or lunch.  i hope it helps some.

i went to check the house, they'd picked up the trash, also a good thing.  i came home,watched some television and i'm in bed as i have a very early doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.

hard to finish this.

i think the hesitation at this point, the thing that keeps me from just getting in the process of finding things, like my bed (all i really need at this point) is that i have to be alone after this.  and the alone is all encompassing, or it will be broken by one more compromise.  and i'm mentally at the place where i realize...i can't afford either scenario.  i can't take the thought of waking and falling asleep all alone.  i can't take the thought that when i go to bed, there is no Rachel to talk to, that when i wake up, there is no Rachel to call.  i also can't let myself bend and believe that anything is going to change if i approach her again.  all that will be different is that i will show that i can be played, and i will always feel a bit of contempt for myself.  one thing not to ever stand; a whole nother thing to stand and then sit down again.

a nice trap.  a clever cage constructed from the inside out.

i fear i truly have just prepared my dying place.

and if so, i know exactly how much longer i'm going to be playing out my life before my dying eyes.

or maybe i'm just out of my mind today.  i don't know.  she's everywhere i've been lately, so she's everywhere i go.

i'm not grateful enough.  i'm trying, Father, but i don't know if i'm going to make it.

just about done

this is my grandmother, Mary, and my grandfather, Robert L Thomas.  this picture was in a box, for storage, i'd imagine.  i don't really understand why they were put away, but one of my next projects is to find where they should hang and to find pictures of my other grandparents and my mother and father, to hang with them as my immediate ancestors.  that is a thing i want to do.

so, the day went okay.  i got over to the house fairly early, and though B and his crew were running late, i did get some of the stuff started before they pulled in.  i helped the woman who was cleaning a bit, but i'd decided that since i was commissioned to do nothing, nothing is what i'd do, but i'd do it constructively and take myself to a meeting.  so that's what i did.

i went to the noon CA meeting, and it was good to see Greg whom i don't see much of anymore.  it was good to see a new face as well, a young white brother who had a familiar air about himself.  more on that in a minute.  there were about 8 of us altogether, still a sad departure from our old days of full rooms.  the discussion was as bad as ever, with a lot of showboating, sound and fury signifying nothing.  but the new guy spoke, and then i got a sense of his familiar air; he is a resident at a different facility at the place i work.  under the same guidelines, just housed in a different place.  and it dawned on me that this was as much a sign as praying to Jehovah this morning about whether Rachel could be in my life again and then finding autumn leaves in my summer car...change that is happening.  so i talked to the dude after the meeting,and i gave him a ride to the facility, or around the corner from it, as i didn't want him to get in any trouble.  i gave him my phone number, which could get myself into some ethical shit, but i don't really care.  then i went back east...

...and for the most part, the work was done.  things were orderly, cleaned off and arranged about as neatly as nothing in particular could be.  and i felt...strange.  i felt as if i had received something that i truly wasn't expecting.

it's been a rough year.  i can't lie.  it's been hard, it's been losses and frustration and disappointments.  the apartment gone, my stuff gone, Syd gone.  Syd grown and me trying to figure out just who i am without being an active father.  Rachel gone, and with her a large fucking chunk of my heart.  not writing, not working on my company.  lonely, bored, unmotivated, uninspired, depressed, sad, despondent to a degree.  wanting something nice, something fresh in my life, and nothing coming down the pike.  flirting with checking out.  

i have a place to start from now.  i have a place where i can figure out who i am, where i can see exactly what it is that i want to be.  

i just have to find a bed now.  

i am grateful to Jehovah God for the day.  

comfort and remembrance

didn't do the pictures i thought about doing.  the day was a broken day, but productive.  nothing out of the ordinary, sad to say, just broken in places and i don't have the energy or the wherewithall to enact repair work at this very moment.  it's cool for what it is, you know?

all i managed to get today was a mood to add a new pic of myself, sitting on the front porch of my grandparent's house.  i didn't work long, but i worked hard, it was hot,and there was an eclipse.  those things made the day a good day.  what made it broken?

well, i went to lunch with Lonnie, which was a good break.  it was unexpected, and i enjoyed the Deyor and enjoyed some flirt time with the waitress, likely all on my part.  but it was good, had an interesting conversation with a gentleman who apparently works there and is not a Trump fan at all (always refreshing in a white guy, i have to admit).  but while i was at lunch, the bad break came.

my dad, who is currently upstairs having dinner with my mom for their 52nd wedding anniversary (comfort and remembrance, that's going to be the title of this entry, i think), cannot let anything go.  that is a fact.  when he gets his mind on something, he can't find a way to let it go until it either works out the way he wants it to, or its as bad as it can possibly get.  so he calls me.  he doesn't know i'm at lunch, but he calls me anyway.  and he says 'i just want to say something to you', which is code for 'i know you're not going to want to hear what i have to say, as you've been making that clear in a number of ways lately, but i won't feel like myself unless i say it anyway'.  so i tell him go ahead.

now, my father is under the impression than i'm blowing off work.  nothing could be further from the truth.  the truth is, i took a leave of absence for a week, and i'm scheduled to go back to work on Friday.  the truth is also, it's MY BUSINESS.  if i decided to quit, which i'm going to do, that's my business.  if i decided to cut my LOA short and go to work tomorrow, that's MY business.  it has nothing to do with him.  but since he is Robert F Thomas, he can't believe that anyone would act out of character for the way he believes they should act.  and so, since i don't feel the need to explain my business to anyone in particular, he's hung up on his perspective.  mind you, i'm trying to train him to just leave me alone.  not like i don't want to be bothered, because i helped set up for their dinner, opened his table, fixed his table cloth and put on music for them to eat to.  but i do believe, at almost 50 years old, i've left the orbit of having to explain my every action for someone else's comfort.

that being said, i listened to him tell me about how i should not just throw away the job, as i had said i am not concerned about the job.  i interrupted him at that point and asked if i could ask him something, and he braced himself and said 'go ahead'.  and i asked him was there ever going to come a time when i would be able to just do something, in my life, and not have to be questioned about it by him.  and he said that's not what he was trying to do and i informed him that's ALL HE DOES.  and i informed him that what i do with this job HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, and he replied that he has his way of doing things and i have my way of doing things, and that's just the way it is, as if to say that we just don't see eye to eye.  but the fact remained, it wasn't necessary to see eye to eye, as he didn't need to have his eye on my job situation to begin with.  it is MY JOB, i am working on THE HOUSE THAT HIS NEPHEW AND HIS DAUGHTER LEFT FILTHY BECAUSE HE WANTS ME OUT OF HIS HOME SO HE CAN GET BACK TO FILLING THE SPACES I VACATE WITH HIS OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE PURCHASES.  this is a fact.  he wants me to somehow fix the house, take care of getting to work and somewhere along the way find time to look in on my mother and be available if he should need something.  THAT is a fact, evidenced by him always finding a reason to call me when i'm at work.  in other words, he wants me to live his younger life.  and that pig ain't gonna fly, no matter how hard you throw it.

so he ended with one last attempt to tell me that a family friend/cousin was the one who vouched for me with the job, and that i should keep that in mind as me just blowing off the job might make it harder for her to help the next person.  and i told him that it was still my problem and had nothing to do with him.  and he said he just wanted me to think about it, and i told him i was not going to think about it, i was going to get back to my lunch.  which i did.  and i talked about it to Lonnie. and i'm talking about it now.

truth is, i'm tired.  i'm cleaning someone else's filth, again.  second time this year, first time was when i put my own fucking belongings on the street in front of my apartment.  i'm grieving Rachel.  i'm sick and tired of working at a place where either i'm hurting physically or my mind is reeling at the stupidity of the way things are done.  i'm worried about my parents.  i'm trying to fight gout, neuropathy and diabetes, and i'm trying to get back to feeling like writing or editing or singing, something toward my creativity, something toward growing Z-Phyles.  i have to find furniture, i have to find a new bed, i have to get dishes and supplies and i have to gather my things from here and get them transported.  i have to do all this shit.  I have to do all this SHIT.  I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS SHIT.  no one else.  i have some help, but no one can help me on the inside.  and my father, who has been an EAP, who is supposed to have an understanding of the addict/alcoholic mental processes better than most people, is acting like i'm playing connect the dots, that i do this thing, and then i do the next thing.

i'm tired.

so, i don't have the patience i used to have.  i don't have the mindset to be subtle right now.  i can leave it alone, my plan was to write it out and give it to him so he would see where i am without feeling as if he's being confronted.  but he wouldn't give it time.  i'm not going to disrespect myself.  nothing is worth that anymore.

fridge is cleaned out, stove is being cleaned off and cleaners are coming to displace me tomorrow.  what can i say?  thank you, Jehovah, for a very eventful day.

sweet, home sweet

a google search of the address i'm going to be living at showed me that my grandparent's house was built in 1911.  it's amazing, to think that this house was built at a time when my grandparents likely would not have been permitted to have a house in the area where it's located.  Youngstown had specific areas where black people were allowed to live.

this wasn't their first house either.  i remember they lived in a rowhouse on Oak street, the building no longer being there.  i remember also they lived down low on the north side, close to Logan, and that was my favorite place to visit.

my mom's parent's house is gone, smoked up by her youngest brother and eventually demolished by the city.  there is only grass where it once stood, and i can't even picture how such a large house could have fit on such a small plot of land, with a house next to it on the corner.  i realize, however, that what makes a house truly large are the amount of memories one can fit inside of it; almost as if the house grows to accommodate so many different mental images, as if it has to become what all the people who have experienced it see.  but that's just me, i suppose.

i'm up and starting today.  i feel pretty good right now.  i slept well.  i'm washing clothes.  i'm not rushing.  i have put in several applications.  i've said my prayer. i've started my mother's coffee.  i'm going to have breakfast, get dressed and head over to the house.  my task today is to try to scrape the glue on the upstairs landing, to mop the living room floor (shown above), and to scrub the interior of the fridge, dry it out and close it up, so that it can get cold and i can start putting food into it tomorrow.

i feel the blessing of the place.  i feel the  peace within me stir when i sit on the front porch.  i love front porches.  i don't know what i'm going to do for furniture.  not a clue.  but that doesn't really seem to matter all that much right now.  when the power comes on, i'm going to start washing curtains.  that's going to be part of tomorrow, i think.  wash and rehang.  tomorrow will be my last day of actively working on the house.  two days after that, trying to recuperate.  don't know if i'm going back to the lunatic house just yet, but i'll decide and act on it by wednesday.  meanwhile, time to search for a bed, time to get breakfast going, time to make the motherfucking donuts.  thank you, Jehovah, for watching over us.

pics of the fridge tonight.  before and after, i think.  truly trifling.  guess i'll work on the stove as well, eh?

Pics, pt 2

...getting there. No electric, but gas plus water means coffee possibilities.

rough day

there will be more pictures tonight, but i have been slacking in that area.  i have my reasons.

i woke today, but not easily.  i am tired and my back hurts, but not from working too much.  i am currently taking my medicine, about to take my insulin.  i've said my prayer.  i can't wait to start doing my whole thing again; prayer, meditation, quiet time.  either on my front porch or in the room of my choice.  it is going to be a nice thing.

I have had help over the past two days, and i may have help later today.  it is a blessing and i am grateful, but it is a chore as well.  it is a chore, because i am not accustomed to sitting while someone does my work for me.  i truly am not.  and since i paid someone for help, for the big stuff such as the pictured box spring and mattress and the removal of said things, i was instructed to let the gentleman (and his girlfriend, yesterday anyway) do their thing.  and i did.  but not easily.  but it was nice putting on coffee on my stove top pot, drinking coffee while i sat and checked out the neighborhood.  it was nice to see my cousin MJ, who saw me ride past her house on the other end of my street and rode up to see what i was up to.  it was nice to watch the floor become visible from the carpet which knew my grandparent's feet but should have been taken up or replaced a long time ago.  it is nice to see rooms become closer to having a purpose.  it is nice thinking of color schemes, of feng shui, of energy movement and purposing.  it is nice, in other words, to be closing in on being home again.

yet, there is apprehension.  i don't know what my dad has actually told my cousin as far as the living status of the house.  i know i am getting rid of a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that has been left in the space.  i'm not going through drama over these things.  i absolutely am not.  i have every intention of simply clearing out what is not going to remain, not consigning it to odd spaces and hoping someone eventually comes for it.  i learned the car in the driveway is my cousin MJ's, that she bought for her son.  it doesn't run so i'm going to get help pushing it back to the side of the garage, rather than at the end of the driveway.  not an issue, and glad for the information.  but i'm still putting my cousin's clothes into the car.

i'm done with my meds.  i'm going to make my mom a fresh pot of coffee and get rolling.  it's time.  i'm going to start on the spare bedroom and work my way around the upstairs as far as cleaning goes today.  and i'll work on the downstairs tomorrow.  only exception:  going to get the rancid garbage out of the fridge today, going to wash it out and leave it open to air out.  need it fresh for tomorrow when the power comes on.

i am grateful to my Father for the privilege of working toward shelter.  nothing is free in this world, but everything can be a blessing.  i'm going to get started now.

spider bites and broken truces

well, this has been a day of not getting done what i needed to get done, sorry to say.  it is not the worst case scenario, but it is definitely one for the books, at least for me.

now, i got up okay.  i'd found the information yesterday on how to go to the site with my job where i take myself off the schedule for a week, and i slept okay.  i got up to do dishes, make coffee for my mother and myself, take insulin and meds, get things gathered for the house work today and have breakfast.  i went to counseling, which was much lighter fare than we've had lately, and i'm sort of grateful for that.  then i made my way to the east side.

i'd talked to Lonnie yesterday and he was planning on coming to help today.  as well, my friend B was going to come back (i'm affording him his anonymity, as he never asked to be on my journey or in my blog), and they were going to start hauling things away.  but the counseling thing pushed everything back, so i didn't get the early start i wanted.  didn't matter.

i got there and i lit incense and started coffee.  it was nice to put on a pot in my home, even if it was just to work to.  i found the ice had not only melted in the styrofoam cooler that i'd left the water in, but it had run through the cooler and down onto the chest it was sitting on and likely the rug too.  i took the cooler to the porch, dried the water on the chest and decided to start moving things out of the house until help arrived.  i knew Lonnie was on his way.  i had moved out a broken cabinet and decided to put on my gloves so as to curtail splinters.  then i moved the rest of the cabinet out as well, to the back of the house.  i grabbed a child's sitting type toy, with big piano keys for their feet to play with, out back and as i was returning to the front i felt something sting my hand through my glove.  i turned my hand over and there was a HUUUUGE spider doing his creepy spider thing on my hand so i stripped the glove off like a burlesque dancer having a hundred dollar bill waved in her face and threw it under my car.  the bite stung and burned, and i felt some numbness, so i called Lonnie and told him i'd been bitten and he came in a hurry and took me to St. E's.

emergency wasn't very busy, thank goodness.  i was pretty much in and out, with a prescription for a cream as no area was raised on my skin, no redness and no evident swelling.  just a hole where the beast stung me.  don't even feel it now.  Lonnie and i then went to Arby's, got some lunch, went to the store where i bought more bombs for the little bastard's family, and we went back and bombed the shit out of the house, including the basement where we turned off the breaker box for the monday re-connection.  then i gathered up my stuff and we talked for a moment on the porch, for me to remember that i left my phone on the kitchen counter.  so i held my breath, went inside and got the phone and came back out.  then i left, because i had to clean off my toxified phone.  that was the fun of the day.

i came back here and my dad was immediately asking me to speak to his friend about this insurance that he's taken out of me.  i did not and have not spoken to her yet and have no intention on it.  i napped for a bit, then i made a salad and some smoked sausage and ate.  i made my mother a salad, watched the beginning of the Age of Ultron Avengers movie and now i am shutting down, thinking about Rachel, thinking about Heather, and thinking about living the rest of my days without love.

some of the work is sad for that reason.  i had thought Rachel and I would be doing this together.  i had thought maybe we would have a place where we could build up Z-Phyles and Urban SEEN, make them into a reality and an epicenter for the society's artistic renaissance.  now i know, it's all up to me.  now i know there is no Rachel to share plans and effort with me.  and that makes me sad, because it really is going to be a different house with no her.  but i'll get done and i'll just live in it alone.  nothing wrong with that.  i am blessed, and I am grateful, and now i'm going to sleep to get ready for this 911 call center civil service test tomorrow.  thank you, Father.  

The Beginning

 ...to be fair, it's not as bad as i thought it was.  i'm pretty sure that my original assessment was tainted by a great deal of stress that had been building up for quite some time, stress about the job, the physical ailments, the parents, all that stuff.  but today was the beginning, as eventful as anything else, and as satisfying as could be expected.

so, to start with, i'm really tired, because i got up as early as i'd planned to.  i'll have to plan a bit better for tomorrow, but for today, it was not bad.  i said my prayer, i got up and got into some shorts and a tee shirt, came downstairs to make coffee for my mom, took my meds, checked my insulin (112, yo) and gathered what i was taking with me.  i knew i'd need to get more cleaning shit, but i got my contractor bags and some other trash bags that were attached to nothing here.  i took a pair of long pants, i took my water bottle and travel coffee mug, and i took my meeting briefcase.
I stopped at the Bell for breakfast food and at McD's for coffee.  i then made my way to the house.  i started out, as you can see, with pictures.  i decided i would chronicle and that's exactly what i did.  and that's when i saw it wasn't as bad as i'd thought it was.  it is clutter, and it is age, and it is in need of some serious TLC, but it's not destruction, and it's not the end of the world.  not at all...

i was waiting for my friend B, who came late and almost made me late for the meeting, but i had expected that.  part of the breakfast i'd brought was for him but he got there long after the food was as cool as the coffee was cold.  but he looked it over, we agreed on a price and he has some people that he says will come and do the major shit.  and that was that for the morning.  while waiting, i'd cleaned out the upstairs bathroom and the spare bedroom.  had to get a sense of what i was working with.
let's see if i actually took a picture of the bathroom.  think i have one, but it's very dark, as the room has a bedroom bureau in it and the curtains were closed.  but that is back in the bedroom now, and there's not much more to do in it right now except clean.  tub is sprayed and waiting for a scrubbing.

the spare bedroom carpet was easy to pull and roll up, and in the hallway outside the bedrooms, the wallpaper came off pretty easy,  i'm going to take pictures of those in the morning.  when i start again, i'm sliding the mattresses that are on their sides standing down the stairs, and i'm going to start pulling the carpet in the main bedroom.  there's some baby items behind that mattress that are going to come out as well.

i have to say, the spirit in the house is immense.  i have spent the day feeling both my grandparent's moving around me, showing me things and telling me things without speaking.  i'm still going to have a sage smudge done when i'm done cleaning, but i don't feel anything harmful in what i'm experiencing.  i ask for things and they come to me.  it's like the manifestation of prayer, working toward specifics.  i am going to have to go to the basement tomorrow, i must survey the landscape, see what damage, what critters, what has to be done and take care of getting it done.  but for now, i'm moving as well as i need to. 

i've had lunch with Lonnie, talked to Syd, talked to an old friend who is recovering from surgery, i've bought pizza for the parent's house, and i'm in bed.  i'm tired, and i'm ready to get on it tomorrow.  i'm grateful to Jehovah for the bounty.  i'm grateful for the chance to change and reflect.  and i'm going to get into it tomorrow, if it is God's will i should open my eyes one more time.   

Vibologism in the 3rd Dimension, or the process begins...

well, it's been about a month now.  i don't know if i will ever actually 'get over' this woman not being in my world, but i am surviving, and i'm certain the healing is taking place.  there are spiritual ramifications that i have to consider, things that are developing that do make it seem as if i am being directed.  i can't help but wish Rachel was a part of that, but i also can't dictate to God what His will is for me.  so part of it is a 'wait and see', and part of it is a leap of faith. either way, i'm on it.

i am doing this early because it's been sort of hit and miss lately.  not intentional.  too many things that i have to hit a reset on, too many things that i've been struggling to get started again.  i have to get back to some kind of exercise routine, have to get back to working on the company, have to get back to writing.  it's almost like i put Rachel in the position of a linchpin, and when i pulled her out of my life it all just sort of fell apart.  but that's not quite fair either.  i haven't been doing many of those things because i've been working.  and i'm going to continue to work, because i have to get things done that have to get done.  but once that's accomplished, i'll have the foundation i require to move on, and that's what this is all for.  so, i can see the hand of my Creator in all this, and i am grateful as can be.  but it has to be effort on my part to keep the blessing moving.  God will do for me what i canNOT do for myself, not what i'm unwilling to put effort into.

so i'm up.  i've been looking toward tomorrow with some excitement.  i just finished talking to an old friend, B, who is pretty well plugged in. he will come by tomorrow and may be able to facilitate this thing getting done more quickly.  but i'm going to get started regardless, as 'way leads on to way'.  i'm going to grab cleaning stuff on my way to work, and i'm going to keep them in my car.  should i be blessed with life in the AM, i'm going to go to the east side and start working on the 2nd floor, clearing things out, getting downstairs what is going to be removed and moving back what can be moved back.  going to have to clean as i go, as i did set off bombs in the place.  but we'll see what's what.  i'm taking pictures of the before, as much as i can, so that i can do comparisons afterward, so those will be posted as i move through.  it's going to be an adventure, and i'm excited to get into it.

thank you, Jehovah, for the resources and the blessing.  more later.

irritability and intelligence...

well, this wasn't a bad day for the most part, but it could have been a much different day.  i'm not complaining, and I am in fact very grateful.  i'm just thinking that if people really gave a damn about each other instead of the concept 'each other', the world would definitely turn smoother.  but that's not my responsibility.  i was nowhere when God created the earth.

i slept in today, woke still hurting.  foot pain, neuropathic/gout flare from the day before.  i struggled with cramps in my legs all day, but had no intention on calling off.  my mind was likely working at that point, but i can't say for sure.  i got up, said my prayer and got it moving.  i went down the stairs, fixed my mom coffee, went to the basement, took my meds and came up to make breakfast.  made a ham, pepper and cheese omelet, split it with my mother with toast and then cleaned my dishes.  i watched a bit of television before i came back to the attic to sleep for a bit longer.  i wasn't sure if i was going to the meeting before work today, a work training thing.  i'm pretty tired of the whole deal of letting someone tell me in a passive way that i'm fucking up so they can meet the criteria for their own job bonus.  but in the end, i got dressed, got some dinner for the evening and cheap lunch for the ride and i went to my job.  i got to the meeting late, but i did get there.

it was as foolish as i imagined.  i put on my scowly face and was left alone through most of it.  then i tried to get to the shift change meeting in my building, but was inundated with individuals who were trying to gain access to our facility.  pain in the ass, so i started with a whole bunch of drama.  finally i made it to my side, and it did not abate then either.

events that made the day harder:  ban enforcement on water bottles for residents, strip searches for drugs that netted nothing, tramadol abuse by some of the residents, constant barrage of calls, failure to have some flexibility between a staff member and a resident... just tension for tension's sake.  i got through it, obviously, and the day dragged on.  i took care of what i could, talked to some residents about some tomorrow stuff and staying focused on today.

i came home, after talking to Lonnie i fixed a small plate, ate, said good night to my mother and went to bed.  which is where i am now.  i figure to sleep, get up, get some cleaning supplies when i go to the store for my dinner stuff, and get ready for wednesday, should that day come.  it's time to work on the house.  TF has not contacted me with an estimate.  i truly have no one to call to help me very much so i have to help myself.  i can do it; i don't WANT to do it, but it can be done.  to that effect, i've taken some days off work, leave of absence type thing.  i'll get done what i can, and then i'll get back into my routine.  or if i've found another job by then, i'll move on.  not complicated.  it's better than bailing and it may just help restore my sanity. either way, i thank my Father for the notion and for this life, and am about to let this gabapentin do its thing and drag me down into sleep.  ciao.

complexities

not sure how i missed the last two days, other than just doing the work thing and feeling the blues.  but i got to get something in today, even if it's succinct and vague.  do my best though.

it's Monday morning now, almost one in the a.m.  the weekend has been about work as it always is.  on friday i got through the day, got my progress report, challenged some things and accepted others after my lengthy email about things that made me concerned and cautious on the job, and then i did my thing.  there wasn't much more to relate than that, though memory is not all it should be.

on saturday, i was doing a little more than i should have been.  i had gotten up sort of early because my brother asked to use my car, having locked his keys in his apartment.  then i made breakfast for my parents.  i prepared my lunch/dinner, having made up a penne recipe on the fly at Walmart.  i came home and cooked and got laid down for a brief moment and then got dressed and rolled to the job.  work was again fairly easy, with no real drama.  visiting days, weekends, they have just been that way.

today, i got up with a plan.  sunday, anyway.  i got up and prayed and went downstairs and had coffee and leftovers from my dish the day before.  i took a shower and got dressed and headed south, hoping to get tasties at the Amish market.  but they were closed.  settled on lunch and dinner stuff at Yankee Kitchen on Market.  work was the usual again, some room searches, some contraband.  residents angry about the 'imposition'.  so now i'm going to get some sleep, i am very grateful, but i have to register it in the morning, or tomorrow, as i continue nodding at the keys.  meanwhile, grasshopper on my windshield,

early edition

it's Friday morning.

specifically, it's not even five o'clock on Friday morning.  i am tired.  sleep did not come easily and did not last anywhere near long enough.  i am tired.  my head hurts from lack of sleep.  i am waiting to take my father to the hospital for his colonoscopy.  this is going to eat up the part of my day where i'm not working.

i have to call TF today, to finish some details concerning the cleaning of my grandfather's house.  i still find it funny to think of it as HIS house, and not my grandPARENTS, per se.  as my grandfather outlived my grandmother by 10 years, i guess that would be the reason.  anyway, i also have to start looking at some help in moving things around and out of the house.  i hate to do it, but the only way the house is going to survive is to do repairs and restorations.  there are Huuuuuge holes in the dirt at the foundation of the house, and i wonder if that means something large has burrowed into the basement.  we bombed the house yesterday, and i'll have to bomb again tomorrow probably, go in and close the upstairs windows and set off a couple more.

i feel okay, other than being tired.  it's nice that my feet aren't hurting.  it's cool to have had my boss call and tell me they would like me to stay.  i'm sure that's pretty common practice unless you're a complete tool or moron, but its still nice.

i keep thinking about Rachel, of course.  i would love to see her face in person, but i am going to keep it moving.  whatever is ahead of me is what i need to find, and if Rachel is ahead of me i'm going to run into her up the road a'pace.  as i told her once upon a time, if it's God's will for us to be together, that's going to happen no matter what.  if it's not, then we won't.

Syd called last night, but i didn't answer.  figured since i've not heard from her in the days she's been back, or weeks, or whatever, i'm not under any onus to leap to her call.  i'll text and see what she wanted later today.

i said my prayer.  i have my medicine and insulin and a book.  i'm going to sleep when i get there, after i eat and take my pills, no matter what my dad thinks or says.  i have 8 hours of work tonight, and i don't intend to sleep through them.

doubt if i'll get back to this later, so i wanted to catch some feelings in black and white before i go.  Thank you, Jehovah, for open eyes and mobility.

24 productive hours (more or less...)

so, there has been some progress.  it hasn't been in great amounts, but as opposed to feeling as if nothing at all is moving, i'll take what i can get.

today i got up earlier than i had been.  i got myself into my prayer, got dirty clothes together, read my daily meditation from the scriptures, and i got it going.  i went down the stairs, heated my mom's coffee, went to the basement to put on a pot for myself, and i took my meds.  i also sent off my response email to my boss, along with a 2 week notice of my intent to terminate my employment at CCA.

after that, i went to have some breakfast.  i had a ham and cheese omelet and toast.  i made my mom some eggs and toast and brought myself back up the stairs.  while in the basement, i should mention, i put in some applications, just to keep myself moving forward.  i came up the stairs, got into some clothes and waited for Lonnie, who was going to ride me down to the city hall to drop off my 911 application.

i got that done, took myself to lunch and grabbed TF so she could check the house for cleaning.  she paid me back the money she owed me, but i gave it back to her so she could do some things for her child's birthday.  i dropped her off and came home.  in the early part of the morning i made a pot of chicken and noodles so there would be dinner for the folks, but my dad can't eat as he has a colonoscopy tomorrow.  regardless, it is there.  i watched some tv, went for coffee with Tina and made 5 loaves of zucchini bread.  i am now in bed, because i have to get up super-early to take my dad for his procedure, which will eat up pretty much all of my free time.  but it's cool.  he asked in enough time, and i told him i will, and that's that.

yesterday i got a good start on my back credit bills, paid off my utilities and got the waste removal people to straighten out their mistake.  i rescinded my 2 week notice, as my boss called and asked if i would stay and seemed to accept that i'm not going to change dramatically for the sake of a review of my performance.  and i'm not going to break my neck to try to be more physical.  not going to do that shit.  and if they have great expectations of me doing so, then they're going to be disappointed.  and if and when i find the job i'm looking for, i'm going to let it go anyway.  so, i am grateful to my Father for the day, and i'm going to sleep to get ready for the long day tomorrow.

...Evolon...

haven't really felt much like taking pictures lately, but i decided to try to capture my mood as of late, and of course that's not very hard to do.  somewhere in my cloud there's a picture edited as this one is, with the caption "...evolon..." in the lower left corner, and that is the perfect representation of where i am right now.  half in darkness, sad in the light, lonely as a motherfucker and trying to just keep putting my feet on the ground, one after the other.  it's something else, to be sure, to keep moving so that sadness and depression don't overrun your body and overtake your soul.  am I winning?  hard to say...

so yesterday i was sick also.  i decided i was not going to work.  it wasn't the hardest decision to make.  at work on Sunday my bowels were liquid and my stomach was an earthquake.  my pants did not appreciate it at all.  need i be more graphic?  thank you.  and waking up was okay, and i had a very light breakfast, but it started again as soon as i was on the road to get bloodwork done for my doctor.  so i finished the bloodwork, i went to Big Lots for coffee and Gabe's for a couple new shirts.  then i came home and went to bed.  i called my job at 11, but couldn't get transferred into my boss's voicemail.  so i tried again at noon, to be told my boss wasn't coming in that day.  i was glad then i hadn't gotten rid of her cell phone, though its not in my phone.  i text her my problem and plan, and she told me i'd need documentation, so around two i went to North Side to the ER.  they said i have a stomach virus, though i'm pretty sure it's food poisoning.  i did manage to eat some when i woke up again about 6pm, and i drank more water.  i've been sleep, off and on, for the past 24 hours.  i have to do this last day at work.  i don't anticipate any more trouble than usual, but i always anticipate trouble, if that makes any sense.

tomorrow i'm going to take care of my business.  tomorrow, as a vow to myself, i'm making my payments, going to see my grandfather's house and starting to gather my things up here.  i've got to see what i need to do to get the utilities turned on, and figure what i'm going to do for furniture, what i WANT to do for furniture.  i think i want one television, but only because i've still got my Roku, and with wifi that's about all the tv i'll need.  it's going to be a lot of house for one person, but my grandpa did it.

oh, and i'm thinking i may get a dog.  i've been thinking about that as well.  my grandfather had a dog, and he loved that dog more than he loved most people.  i think i may just do that.  but we'll see.  it's not on God's tablet just yet, i don't believe.  or if it is, God hasn't told me so yet.

Thank you, Father, for watching over myself and my family.  thank you for the day.

prep time

i believe it will be beneficial to start focusing on the move coming.

but that doesn't neglect the current status of the journey.

at the moment, i'm about to get ready to get bloodwork done.  i woke up at 6 to an alarm i still am not responding to, an alarm to get up and go to the gym.  it would help, i'm sure.  but there's still something in me that's not right, and i've got to dig it out and get on with the business of doing business again.  but i'm up.  i'm going to say my prayer.  i'm going to get dressed and get ready to go to Warren to my doctor's office for bloodwork.  i don't feel like it, that's for certain.  i spent yesterday with my stomach churning, with my ass leaking and with my temperature up. figure it could have been something from McD's, something from Bob Evans even. or it could have been the stress of being on alert in a new hostile situation at work.  not over the top hostile.  just the born resentment that is cultivated when i do my job.  i had to write up some gamblers on Saturday, and one of them has taken it personally.  i can live with that though.  but my stomach apparently had different feelings.

anyway, the day will move forward.  i'll have one more day after this.  i'm going to start bringing my clothes downstairs today, i believe.  i'm going to go see my grandparent's house either today or tomorrow.  and on wednesday or thursday i'm going to start moving stuff in.  i have to get the utilities turned on.  i have to decide what i'm going to do about internet.  i've got to decide to get back to working on Z-Phyles.  but i'm going to have this done by the end of next week.  and then i'll know what the next step is.

it's funny.  it's like a bad place in a familiar road.  you get used to swerving to miss the huge pothole, and the longer it goes unfilled, the more unconscious the swerve becomes.  eventually, you come to that place in the road and you don't even think about it, you just avoid the hole.  and when it's filled, you continue to drive around where the hole used to be for a long time.  i think that is the survival instinct of a broken heart.  cost you some tire integrity, cost you some strut and rack and pinion stability, but if you survive it, you adapt, you adjust...you swerve.  and you get used to it.

at least i hope that's the case.

Thank you, Father, for the birth of today and the inclusion of me in it.

Ridiculous Children

a final task before sleep.  tomorrow promises to be a different day, and so documentation should occur when it is possible, rather than on a pre-conceived schedule.  such a thing may not be prudent come the sunrise.

today was a rough day but a good day.  i woke up in pain, ankles and feet.  i felt it was karma more than anything; having called off work the day before, i figured i had called upon myself a discomfort/pain to balance out the excuse for not coming to work.  but i knew i had to get my shit together in order to be okay to work today.  so i prayed, twice in fact.  one false start and one real prayer.  and i got my meds in after i could get up and move around.  i moved in a straight up and down track.  i went down the stairs, saw my mom, put on coffee for myself and made my way to the basement.  i took my meds in the basement, my insulin and some Colcrys to combat the gout/neuropathic flare-up, and then i made my way back up the stairs.  i made myself some eggs and toast, washed up the few dishes, had a cup of coffee, left the rest on warm to take to work with me later.  i went in the living room, watched The Rifleman for a bit, brought in stuff so i could shave my head and face while watching an episode and then took a shower.  then i made my way back up the stairs to chill until time to go.

i had nothing for lunch in the house, wanting to avoid the whole lunch meat/uric acid syndrome as much as i could.  so i left for work much earlier than usual, went to the Eagle to purchase my dinner for work and then to Pizza Joe's to have lunch while i killed some time.  i ate at the pizza shop, thinking about Rachel and things in general.  then i made my way across town.  i got to the work lot by 3 and just chilled, not knowing whether my message of call off had been received, not knowing whether i even still had a job.

turned out i did, but one of my immediate supervisors did not.  the Residents have been busy preying upon the staff, and i'm afraid there is more to come.  but other than that bit of bad news, the day was cool until the end, when i had to write up 3 residents for shooting craps in a back room.  now, i personally don't find such activity harmful, though i see it as ridiculous, but it is against the rules.  and i have caught them, some of the principals, at it before, and gave them a warning...ONE warning.  they tend to not believe such a thing as ONE warning could exist, like most children. so this time, i wrote them up.  and the thing that got me, the thing that really irritated the fuck out of me, is that they really cannot modify their actions on the basis of being treated with some dignity and respect.  so, i am going to have to be hard with them. i'm going to have to hold my line, and i'm being forced to do this over and over lately.  i guess it is what it is.

i also got one of the keys to my grandfather's house today.  i'm going to go look inside monday, see what's what, and start the process of moving in throughout the week.  i'm not going to rush; i'm just going to get in where i can, and do what i can do, and slowly turn it into a place where i can be me.  that's a process, but it's one that i'm semi-sorta looking forward to.

it has been a long day.  i'm grateful to Jehovah and i am blessed with life and sobriety.

misery, mystery, mystory

some people would call it 'mystery'.

they ask, but only in generalized tones.  they want to know, but long after the veil of misery has settled upon the person, long after perception filters have done their job.

they don't want to know how far down you are.  they just mostly want to know...if they have a responsibility in what you're experiencing.  and when they see they are not on the hook...they vanish again.

misery is a lonely business.

i am in pain.  feet and ankles, both sides.  i don't know if my call off text was received, but my phone will serve as all the evidence i need to the fact that i did reach in to be out of work today.  i could have gone.  maybe for the lack of any real productivity i should have gone.  but i elected not to go.  and what comes from that will belong to me, and i'm okay with that.

counseling was bad because i was sleepy.  sleep has been a poor exercise.  i didn't wake cramped, which was a relief, but that's about the best of it.  i had a breakfast sandwich before i went to counseling.  i did a load of clothes.  i made salmon croquettes and rice and broccoli and cheese for dinner.  gout, neuropathy, whatever this is, it's going to be a rough spell.

misery, mystery, mystory.

i am grateful, but i am in pain.  like self-fulfilling prophecy.  do i bring this forward to justify needing to not be in a toxic environment?

i'm going to sleep soon.

thank you, Father, for the day.

Journey Man

there is no magic.

there is no wand to wave, no spell or incantation.  there is no portent, no rune, no stigma or fetish, no totem that will grant the power to instantly change hurt to forget, change fat to thin, sad to happy.  there is no such magic.

there is time, work and endurance.  but there is no magic.

two weeks later, and Rachel is as strong in my mind as she ever was.  in my own life, i've set up icons of her everywhere, and i am having to swallow an overdose of bitter pills.  but i am also beginning to change my perspective.

how long does a person need to labor to make the point that they are in great discomfort?  how long do they put their own -isms and neuroses aside to accommodate your own?  and how can you hate someone who has actually loved you so much they were willing to die a little just to allow you to live a little more?

and isn't that just the most flowery bullshit?  of course it is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have elements of truth in it.

i miss Rachel terribly.  and life is going on.  i've left my boss a message today, calling off.  need one more day.  need to process, make payments, assess the future.  i don't want to go back at all, not after Tuesday's insanity, which will replicate over and over.  but i am not opposed to working.  just want people to start seeing what's really going on.  and that's unrealistic.  it's wanting people to do what i want them to do.  i've no control over people, places and things.  Recovery 101.

yesterday i waited all day for the dude who's supposed to do my brakes to get in touch, only to find at the end of the day he was unable to make it.  i hate doing business that way.  but i'm trying to bring my car up to snuff.  i want her road ready.  i want her to be on call to just jump up and go asap.

i did pray, i did eat better, managed to toss a salad into the mix.  (toss...salad.  right?)  i spent some time with my mom.  day was okay. didn't get to roll my dad where he had to go, waiting for mechanic and shit.  but i slept a lot. and i am now possessed of a cold, which is due to the house being freezing again.

if only for that reason, i'm ready to move.  i'm ready to start working on my grandparent's house, which will soon be my house.

i don't know.  i have so much work ahead of me.  don't know how much time i have, or how much it will take, but i have to get the last table set.

this journey has been instructive, i can say that much.  it's pretty interesting...when you break orbit, when you decide to fire up the engines and fly, you see things that you never saw before, though they were always right in front of your face.  you learn lessons that have been waiting for you to learn them. and you change, you become.  that's the best part of the deal, the becoming.  it's the most painful part of the deal too.

its almost time for counseling.  i'm tired, it's cold in this basement and i miss Rachel.  but I'm grateful to Jehovah, i'm blessed and i'm not paralyzed with loss.  so let's do this day.

Ponder

pondering.
necessary at this time, to process information and come up with something coherent, something that makes a difference in what actions will be taken in the days to come.  change happens whether i want it to or not, and don't think that means i don't want things to change.  it only means, at this time, that i need to understand what is the best thing to happen, and what is the thing that will be of the most benefit to the most people, rather than what will only benefit me.  however, that decision has been made for me, i'm afraid.

or not afraid.  hard to say.

when i got up yesterday, my parents were home.  they had  come in early Wednesday morning, about 1:30 or so.  i helped bring their bags in the house, brought my dad's suit bag up the stairs and went to bed.  that was all the energy i had in me.  i had just got off work, i had went to Walmart to get stuff for them to eat quickly and somehow my leg was hurting from the short walk across the parking lot to the store.  go figure.

earlier in the day, work was a mess.  no other word for it.  i got into work for our shift change meeting and they were still in the process of moving residents over to B side.  when my day started, i had a number of urines that had to be collected, i had a new resident who was only half processed, i had a resident who was moving, calls were forwarded to my phone, the job coordinator person (who's a cousin of mine, or at least an old family friend, but we don't speak at work because, well, i guess, it's work) was in my work space doing her stuff and adding to my work load without telling me what was going on, residents were coming in from their jobs and had to be processed in, residents had to be notified of the urine specimens that needed to be collected from them so it could be done in a timely fashion, the head count had to be done for the first time in my shift and i needed to see what all had to be done according to what had yet to be done from earlier in the day.  that is how my tuesday started.  most of that is how every workday begins for me, and usually i handle it.  but there is no real understanding that i am one person doing all this stuff within the first twenty minutes of walking on the job.  some people build to that level during their shift, but i have been, from what i can see, the only person who starts with an overload of responsibility and has it dwindle down by the passing of the first hour.  so they keep adding more chaos to my mix.  i had thrown down my clipboard and the phone and just sat, staring at the ceiling, for at least 30 minutes, waiting for my boss to come back to A side so we could talk.  i told her i was a hair's breadth away from quitting due to the aforementioned events.  now they plan on adding a person to my side.  they say that had been their plan all along, but i don't actually believe them.  though that could be the truth:  they just hired two huge brothers (black men) over the past week, and i've no doubt most of it is in response to the Skinhead thing on the other side that was developing.  i still believe in my heart they're handling that shit all wrong, but i don't get paid to believe, i get paid to babysit.

anyway, i got through the day.  and i have been putting in applications.  and i've been considering whether this is really a level of stupidity and stress that i need to deal in.  it seems that as i get older i have much less tolerance for such nonsense.  and that's all it amounts to.  they say they want us all on the same page, but they don't train for the same page.  they don't even really train for the same chapter.  the ones who've been there for any length of time have reached the level of their own understanding of the job and are not likely to change according to expectations recently developed by the administration.  at the same time, the new hirees (such as myself) are being trained by an unqualified person to do a hypothetical job performanance in a situation that does not even exist.  and by the time you realize that the situation is nothing like the trainer is positing to you, you've begun to move toward entropy. that is the way it is, and as the song says, some things will never change.

on the other side of the world, i got some service work started on my car yesterday.  i knew it was time to tend to some long-neglected maintenance, so i had actually began tuesday before work.  not going into all that though; i got new tires and finally got the oil changed.  all necessary stuff.  today i'm going to get my brakes done, tired of all the squealing when i stop the car.  i'm going to see if i have at least one last disability payment so i can get the rest of this stuff done, because winter is coming and i intend to be ready for it.  speaking of which...

as i began, things have changed.  my grandfather's house is now available, for the most part, and my intention is to move in.  i have to get things and i have to do things to make that a reality.  it's so funny, though.  had this happened in April, i'd have the things from my apartment and very likely Rachel and i would not be apart now.  but that might have just been continuing to delay the inevitable.  factually speaking, i will be moving there alone.  i will have to get some things done, some things that i've not had to do in a very long time. but i will be going home.  home, as in the place where my heart will be, home as in the last time i plan to move before i leave this world.  home.  my mom is very upset by this, and she's blaming my dad, but it's not really on him.  i had a talk with them both yesterday, about whether they wanted me to stay here or not.  of course they're on different sides of the issue, but both agree that i need to have room to work on my shit.  haven't been writing.  haven't been selling books.  just been doing the auto-pilot thing.  its funny, too, because this is how i'm going to start my actual time of not being an 'active' parent.  i mean, the school year begins next month, i won't have a child to get ready for school.  i won't have someone to get on a schedule of doing this and that.  it will just be me.  and is that really what i want?

i'm going to pray this morning, and i'm going to think on some of these things.  but as i said, its sort of been settled on.  i don't have much to move.  that's a good thing.  and i suppose, if i take my time, i can have it all done within a week, two at the most.  accumulate some pieces here and there, but i have to see the house again, see it with my own eyes to know what i want to do with it.  it's just time.  as i told my parents, i want to bring my grandfather's elephant home.  i am thankful to Jehovah for being patient with me and for increasing my patience, and i am asking His guidance so that i might do the right thing in this situation.  i really miss Rachel.