...the waiting is the hardest part...

not really, but i love that Tom Petty song, and it is at least apropos to the situation, if not to the emotion i'm rolling in right now.

i feel okay, i'm tired, i need to clean, but that will be tonight and tomorrow.  i have done a good day, a full day, and i've been chilling for the evening.  tomorrow marks the end of the Orbit in physical time.  i've become a person that can do things, by God's grace and direction.  Sunday will be the beginning of a new epoch for me.  i don't really see it as power.  i talk it as power, because i have to psyche myself up consciously.  but i see it as this:  i've looked as far into me as i can see.  i've been honest, i've done the footwork, i've made my mistakes and kept moving.  i've made my amends.  i've learned, i've abridged some bare places that my actions have torn out and turned upside down.  i've been the best child to my parents as i could be.  i've been the best father that this situation has allowed me to be, though i wish i could have been better for Syd.  new learning.  new growth.  new life, as my avocado seed is now a tall sprout showing green at the top.  and i am grateful, i am thankful.  i have been blessed abundantly and i only want to make the most of these blessings and share them with those who can benefit from them.  that is my goal.  that is my honest wish.

things change soon.  Syd will be 18.  child support will end, and she will have to get responsible really quickly.  SSI will end soon after, and i will need to be somewhere else.  but i know these are the necessary changes for the life i am coming into now.  i will clean up my credit and my debt.  i will get One Main financial off my back.  i will travel and do my publishing things in a wider arena than i've been to up til now.  i will enjoy the days as they come.  and all these things are directly contingent upon whatever God's will may be for me.  i may not wake up tomorrow, so i can't dive too far ahead on the calendar.  but i can work on readiness.

today i went to the gym.  i took meds and read my stuff.  i visited my parents.  i went to counseling.  i delivered VF her book and poem.  i went to the store and got lunch stuff and more milk.  i have dinner stuff already.  i talked to Rachel.  i talked to Felecia about a project that she is starting, parallel to what i'm going to be doing.  she has more resources than i do, but i am willing to work my thing, because i'm doing this for my children's foundation.  i checked on Lonnie.  i am going to get my dinner together now.  it's been a good day.  and i have no real plan for tomorrow, only to try to be of service where i can, and to get my house clean and my dad's beans cooked and delivered.  and i am very thankful to Jehovah God, for all that i have been blessed with.  i will not fear to the extent that i can help it, but i will make certain i act with as much faith as i can regardless of the presence of fear.  good night.

happy new day

i went to visit my friend Bob today.

he's been around the program longer than I have.  but he has less clean time than i do, because he wasn't done yet.  but he's been doing well, sobriety-wise, for better than fourteen years now. he is, however, sick, has been for years.  HIV.  and he's taken his fair share of shit, even in the 90's, even in the new millennium, about his being gay.  he's an older man.  i consider him a friend, and i love him as a big brother.  he is one of the few people who will get on my case about my attitude, even when it's not required.  i love and respect anyone who will do that for me.  he's in a nursing home rehabilitation.  he has some bad habits, bad according to his health.  but i have no judgment.  i just want him to get better and live as long as he is able.

my mom went to the doctor today.  i had to sternly advise her to call her doctor.  she says that she can't figure out what exactly is wrong so she doesn't feel she should bother the doctor. it's an amazing dichotomy.  used to be; my mother was always in the hospital, always feeling 'something was wrong' and my dad was the one who would never go.  he retired, and it was like they were a wrestling tag team and she tagged out and he tagged in.  but i suggested she ask him to take her, and according to her, he said he couldn't, as he had an appointment.  probably true.

Lonnie is frazzled, but he laughs.  his laughter is not easy, it's not comforting.  his dad is over 90 years old.  i'm sure i knew that, but i'm not sure i remembered.  but he is, essentially, in the process of caring for his dying dad.  atop everything else.  Lonnie is an amazing human being, but even the most amazing human beings are...human.

i got up with prayer today, but no gym.  i will go tomorrow, put in more time.  i ate a good breakfast, i went to the store to get dinner stuff, i went to visit Bob and i came home.  i talked to Rachel and Lonnie and my mother.  i'm watching old episodes of WKRP.  it's good to laugh.  i have to time travel to find anything to laugh about though.  this isn't an orbit.  in three days, i begin my march.  i hit the thrusters and lock the navigation on to the star that bears my name, but not my face.  i am not afraid, but i am apprehensive and i don't like that either, because it does feel like fear.  things are changing.  money will be needed.  no callback from JCC again, unless he called from a private number, which i surely did not recognize.  i have bills due, some overdue.  i have a child graduating in some months, turning 18 in less time.  i have to start looking for quarters, as i won't be staying here when my income changes, either way.  this has been a good place.  there are real memories here.  our moving in, and the police pulling over cars, guns drawn, in front of the property before everything was even in place inside.  feuding with Mr. Krieg because of the condition the first neighbors left the back apartment in and him taking it out on me, and actually confronting him about it.  Johnnie's getting sick.  meals with family and friends coming by.  TF's visits.  the books, most of them written sitting in this corner i'm sitting in now.  very hot summer nights, with no circulation.  very cold winter days, with no insulation.  Heather's using me, which brought about another low, but with a difference.  i was preparing to leave orbit even then, but i wasn't aware of it.  hindsight, and all that.  Janice's Journal, The Book of Old Lazarus, The Girl Behind the Glass, all of them visions that were run through my brain by my overworked muse.  from the Alero to a Cavalier to the Grand Marquis.  life has gone on.  Syd's permutations, her transitions and her changes still going on today.  where will i go?  what will my next iteration be?

i have no answers to those things.  but i know that if i am blessed to watch the celestial odometer roll for planet earth, i'm going to start trying to live an amazing life, doing amazing things until they close the door in my face.  and i will put everything on my Heavenly Father; it's the only thing that truly works.

in the program, we don't really do New Year's resolutions, because we have to live in 24 hour increments.  so, Happy New Day.

unmindfulness...

this was sort of a replacement day.  in that i didn't go to the gym yesterday and didn't visit my parents, i had to fit them into what is usually a leisure day.  no issues, though.

so i got up, moving slow and tired, but i did get my prayer in, got my scripture and meditations read and got to the gym.  my sugar was up a bit, 140, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  i did weights today, didn't stay very long, came home, took meds and insulin and had breakfast.  i was keeping it low carb today, just bacon and eggs this morning.  i tried to work on a song, working backward from writing lyrics and composing harmony and then working on the beat and musical parts.  but it wasn't really coming, so i took a bath and got myself groomed and made my way to my meeting.

i went to the clinic to pay the meeting rent but they didn't have anyone to take it.  i went up the hill to the fellowship hall and realized i grabbed the wrong keys.  had to wait for someone with a door key to come.  there were boxes of decaf packets so we did have coffee, but it was just a regular discussion, not a lead or a book study.

when i left the meeting i went to my mom's house, and she still wasn't feeling well.  it's been a couple of weeks, so i told her to call her doctor and call me to let me know she had an appointment, and i told Deedy to make sure she made her appointment.  i came home, made two hamburger patties with cheese, tomato and lettuce, had soup and a bowl of Cali blend veggies.  i ate and waited for my call from Retail Data, which came just before 2:45.  it was a good interview, or a good information give, anyway, and i hope that i hear from them on Friday with the next phase.  my brother had stopped by for his sketch pad so he could get inspiration to work on some other stuff.  my mom has an appointment tomorrow with her doctor.  Lonnie is finding humor in a truly bad situation.  i need to get some bills paid, but that has to wait til next month.  so it's life on life's terms.

forgetting my keys.  i have two sets, i need to streamline them down to one.  but i guess it's a resisting the fading of my faculties.  i'll get enough of that one day.  thank you, Father, for your love and guidance today.

the waiting...

well, its been a day.  restful, non-eventful, detailed and interesting at the same time.  i'm glad i didn't go to the gym.
i didn't write yesterday, so i'm going to catch up with things before i shut this down.
yesterday i got up, said prayers, stretched, did crunches and went to the gym.  i did the treadmill, talked to the receptionist briefly and came home.  sugar was good, i had breakfast, took meds, did readings, and went to my parent's house.  i washed a load of clothes, got a receipt from my dad to take a coat back to the store, and went to pick up Rachel.  we came back here and we hung for a minute, went to LJS for lunch.  i left her working on some background tracks while i went to visit Heather.
Heather seemed to be in better spirits, though there is still the undertone of an unwillingness to surrender.  i am going to write her a letter this week to emphasize this necessity again, as there is no further she can go on her 5th step in jail.  i went to the store when i left to get stuff for taco salad.  once i got home, things kind of went left on us.
Rachel was entertaining texts from her friend who is living a crazy, drama-filled life.  she was also following her son's growing relationship issues through his FB page that he left logged onto her phone.  afterward, i got a call from my mom that my dad had gone to the ER in Austintown and would likely be going to St. E's and would need his car brought to Youngstown.  so, all those things combined to end the day in a frenzy of activity.  Rachel went with me to drive my car while i brought my dad's car home, took him stuff down to the hospital that he would have asked for, her mom came and picked her up from my house to go to P.A. to collect her son.  i fixed Rachel some taco salad to go, and after she was picked up i put it down as i was exhausted.

today, i got up and prayed but i didn't go to the gym.  i slept in somewhat. got up slow.  sugar was up slightly, took my insulin and meds.  had an omelet for breakfast.  read my bible and meditation books.  i tidied up a bit.  didn't want my house looking cluttered.  i worked on the song with the recordings that Rachel left and found it worked well with my voice, so i mixed the little bit in.  i called to check on my mother.  i told her i would talk to Jerry and put him on alert, as my dad said he was being released in the morning  but was still hooked to his drip and monitor.  then i went to lunch with Lonnie.  i went to the post office and got a book of stamps.  i went to K-Mart to return the coat.  i called my mom and told her to tell my dad that i'd pick him up after all.  i came home and talked to Rachel after calling my brother to take him off alert.  when my dad called i went to pick him up.  i took him to walgreen and then dropped him at home.  i made my apple turnovers and i had the last of the taco salad for dinner.  i had half a turnover, as i made two and they each used a bottom pie shell as their casing.  half was more than enough.
Syd is asking about a new tattoo but it has some sort of Alistair Crowley symbol behind it and i told her i'd let her know tomorrow but definitely not that tattoo.  i didn't hear anything from Paul at the JCC, who said he'd call me monday to schedule a come back in for the job, but i'm not worrying about it.  i've got the call coming from Retail Data tomorrow afternoon.  got my meeting.  going to go check on my parents, maybe make them some breakfast.  Carrie Fisher died.  life is getting really sad these days.  spent a lot of 2016 being sad.  i don't know what the future holds, but i know Who holds the future.  thank you, Jehovah, for a restful day.

willfully blind

i am finding that this journey is more about lessons that occur along the lifepaths of space, which of course is just a metaphor for the day to day sunrise to sunset steps i have to take if i am blessed with breath, than about any actual deviation from my long-term orbit from before.  the Orbit could have been summed up with Pink Floyd's lyrics from 'Wish You Were Here'...'running over the same old ground of how we found the same old fears'.  But the Journey is more like the application of Funkadelic's Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts, of which i'm providing a link with lyrics, because some wisdom simply has to be consumed rather than pondered.

today i woke up in a good spirit, having decided to dispense with further vegathons.  i got my prayer done, i checked my sugar which was a bit high, i took insulin and meds and i read my meditations and my scripture.  i took it slow, after coffee and breakfast, as i knew i was going to the Kingdom Hall and the CA meeting.  i had bacon and eggs; i'd decided to make grits but it turned out less than favorable and i'm glad it did.

the Hall was a really cool thing, other than the notion of being sleepy when being spoken to in a lecture format for a period of time.  old habit, i guess.  but i got the gist of the talk, and the Watchtower lesson was on faith, and it was stuff that i need to remember.  it was good to go; i love going to a place and being smiled at and greeted warmly and it has always been that way, since i was a kid.  most of the recovery meetings used to be that way, but they are mostly not anymore.

i went from there to the meeting, spoke to Rachel along the way.  she had something her mother asked her to do and said she'd likely just get dropped off here later.  the meeting wasn't long, the chapter was very good, familiar story, much like my own in so many ways.  i ate a lemon bar at the meeting that Matt brought and had to take fast acting insulin afterward, it was so fucking sweet.  the kolachi was much better.  i had a piece of each.  i talked to an associate afterward about some thoughts they were sorting through, and i made my way home.

once here, i hung up my suit jacket and shirt and took a shower.  i had soup and the crack chicken (still a horrible name) and meatballs for lunch.  i watched some television.  i've just heated up a pizza for dinner.  i'm not sure Rachel's going to make it, but i knew when she said her mother was sad about something today that her arrival was doubtful.  thing is, it's what i figured for the season.

one of the things i realized about the veg-a-thon is that i would have loved to spend the so-called holiday weekend with Rachel, but the dinner with her family was a great idea, and they vie for her time on any other occasion so why not now?  i don't know if she'll make it, but i know that i extended the invitation, and if she wants to come she will find a way.  but i am going to eat, watch some more television, and get ready for the week ahead, one day at a time.  wait for my call from Paul at the JCC, wait for Retail Data to call for my second interview and just keep it moving.  i don't feel like i did yesterday.  i feel resolved in purpose.  thoughts, the seeds that i plant are good seeds, the fruit they will yield will be good fruit.  the law of nature.  i'm blessed and fed spiritually, and i thank my Father for that.

No more Vegathons...

you live and you learn, if you pay attention.

i got up and prayed and read my books and took insulin and meds and worked on a song.  i worked on the song, with intermittent breaks, from about 6 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon.  then i got into trying to veg out again.  i can only tell you that it's not what it used to be.

i've eaten and i've rested and i've talked to Lonnie and Rachel and i've eaten some more and i've talked to my mother and tried to call Patrice, as her dog died and she's very sad right now.  i tried to watch 2 movies but neither of them gave me any satisfaction.  my back has been hurting me all day, and i am contemplative to such an extent that laying on the couch is not relaxing.

what i've learned is this:  certain things bear a resemblance to certain other things.  like, laying in my house, alone, watching movies, eating things that i'm not hungry for, is almost identical to depression.  i'm not depressed.  i am only acting in ways that i do when i'm depressed.  with the exception of creating.  i love creating.

so. i'm about to shut it down.  tomorrow, should i be blessed with awakening, i am going to the Kingdom Hall.  I am going to my CA meeting.  i'll take Rachel her gift.  i'll come home and eat sane food and watch sane television without trying to overdose on it.  and i will be ready to do second interviews at both JCC and Retail Data.  life goes on.  holding on to calendar pages flying away will give your soul horrible paper cuts.  take it from me.  thank you, Father.

Thursday in December

it is a slow starting day.  i expected it would be.  i am starting this early because i don't want to overlook anything today.

i got up well.  ahead of the alarm, i shut it off and said my prayer. i did my stretches as i read my meditation and scripture.  i got dressed and went to the gym.  i did my treadmill time, talked to Rose on the front desk who was drawing and happy to be doing so, and i came home.

i'd had some decisions to make and i had pondered them to an extent, but i wanted to make sure i was moving in the direction i wanted to go in.  my sugar was 130, i had an omelet for breakfast, i read 2 Peter so i could start getting my mind around my brother's art book.  i then said my text good mornings and sent Syd a text telling her she needed to come home and get her room right or she'd be in her room working on it til the end of her christmas vacation.  i talked to Lonnie who was very out of sorts and we confirmed that he was going to his doctor and i was taking him and that he wanted to go to lunch but he didn't set an actual time, as his mind wasn't holding on to that so well.  i ate some soup, talked to my mom, and am currently waiting for Lonnie to call.  i am hoping Comfort Keepers shows like they're supposed to and takes care of his dad.  i'm hoping his neice shows as she's supposed to and gets his dad to his appointment.

i talked to Rachel yesterday.  though i felt a lot of it was just detail conversation, i told her that i was going to just be patient, that i understood her concerns which i couldn't share because though we're both diabetic i am not affected by her sugar levels.  i don't know for certain that she is affected by my diabetes, but i do know that she is extremely apprehensive about germs and i am extremely NOT.  i just don't want her to have to do what i am not willing to do, namely walk on eggshells to deal with me.  no one should have to live that way, in my opinion.

so, i'll catch up on this when i get home later.  got meatballs to make and put in sauce, got turkey cutlets to work on and work out (cold and grilling ain't as thrilling a notion as in my young days, so i am pondering and slightly wondering on cooking them in different ways) and i have to get something for dinner for tonight.  but more on that when i wrap this up.  it's 1:15pm.

it's 5:50 now.  i'm back home, have been for a few.  i went to lunch with Lonnie, he called about 130.  he talked about things with his dad, and it is as stressful as i knew.  it's the exhaustion that concerns me.  Lonnie is not one to whom it would occur to abandon his post, but he is human and has limitations.  after lunch, i took him to his appointment, following up for his cancer care.  his wife was coming to pick him up, so i hung out with him for awhile, until they called him back.  i left, as she was en route.

currently i'm making my meatballs for the vegathon.  funny, to call it a veg-a-thon when there will be a decided lack of veggies, but that's the deal.  my soup is wonderful, i'm going to start my crack chicken (very poor name for a delicious chicken recipe) in the morning, i'm going to likely try to pan-fry one of my turkey cutlets, see how it turns out that way, perhaps a panko dredge.  its going to be a relaxing weekend.  Rachel's having dinner with her family, doing a gift exchange, and perhaps i'll get to see her over the weekend.  but i appreciate whatever i am given, and thank Jehovah for the blessing of life, let alone all the enjoyable things that i experience in the course of a day.  i'm done.

early posting in lieu of late night runnings...

...to the heart of the day.
i got up and said my prayers and got moving.  i did readings but did not stretch or do crunches today.  i had coffee, checked my sugar (117) and took insulin and meds, then went back to lay down. Syd left for school and i got up, ran a bath, made my breakfast, worked on my soup and got bathed and groomed for the day.  i had to make sure i got to the meeting to open, as our secretary is back in the hospital and not doing well, according to his son.  i got to the meeting, got set up, chaired and got things shut down.  it was a good meeting.  i then went to pizza joe's, got two slices and had them with my soup.  in my opinion the soup is missing something but i'm not going to worry about that at this moment in time.  i had, before the meeting, got a list of songs from my brother, made him 2 cd's and got some money from that deal.
after lunch, i got myself together for my interview.  i talked to Lonnie finally, and made arrangements to take him to his followup concerning his treatment options.  i went to the interview and met with Paul, a nice guy.  i think he wants me for the job, i'm hoping the fact of me being on disability doesn't frighten him off.  it was a good conversation and he assured me he will be calling back for a follow-up interview.
after i left the JCC i went to my parent's house.  while waiting for my dad to come from the bank i talked with my mom while i was making their pork steaks and washing the dishes.  my dad came, paid me back my loan and asked if i could take him east to check on a project at my grandfather's house after he hears from the guy doing the work.  i am tired, but told him to call me if he needs me.  i am home now  i'm waiting for this ground beef to thaw so i can mix it with ground sausage and make meat balls.  i'm laying in my bed, thinking about how good the day has been, how good God has been to me, how good it is to have friends.  i'm also thinking, as i've been all day, on Rachel.  last night we went again into the 'both diabetics, not healthy for us to be together' thing.  this is something that she's said before, and i have no argument for it.  i only wish that, if she didn't want to be with me, she'd say so, for whatever reason.  i don't choose to decide against myself, but i also am not a person any longer content to wait for the other shoe to drop.  i am going to call her tonight to talk, rather than write a letter or whatever.  and wherever it goes, it goes.  come 2017, i'm about business.  i am grateful to God for this day, very productive and very fulfilling.

...Door's opening...

i am happy with this day.  i hit a lot of marks that i'd been neglectful of to some extent recently, and some good things have been coming through.

i got up before my alarm, said my prayers and did my stretches and crunches.  i did deep breathing to get myself centered and i got dressed for the gym.  i warmed up my car as i had coffee and water, my sugar was a little low but not outside acceptable parameters, and i went to the gym.  i did weights today, pushed myself a bit, left and came home.  i laid back down until Syd left for school, then i went out and made my breakfast, took insulin and meds, and got to work on the turkey.

i dissected the turkey, took the drumsticks and wings off, separated the back from the breast, salted the legs and the back and put them into the oven in a roaster.  i cut thinner slices off the breast, then salted the rest and wrapped it in foil and put that in the oven.  i put the skin and the neck and the wing tips into water on the stove for my turkey vegetable soup.  i went to the store and got some veggies, a pack of wheat buns and some pop.  i got some dollar taco bell for lunch, got home and realized i'd left one bag at walmart and had to go back for it.

i decided i'd work on this soup over two-three days, as i don't want to make it and not have room to store it.  likely going to clean out more of the fridge tonight.  i have zucchini, onions, peas, carrots, green beans, cabbage and mushrooms, i've got turkey and i'm deciding if a small pot of rice might be in order.  i'm down to just storing things until tomorrow, the kitchen will be cool enough to store it until morning, and then i'll put more work on it.

i may talk to Rachel tonight, i may not.  she had a busy day slated, and i am not going to interrupt it for nothing.  i'm not really hungry but i suppose i should cook something so i can eat.  i haven't decided yet.  Syd has again done nothing, and i'm sticking to my position that i'm not going out of my way to do for someone, in my house, who does next to nothing and goes to do her 'service'work at someone else's house.

i got a call from the JCC and i go tomorrow for my interview.  i also scheduled a 2nd interview with RetailData, for the following weekend.  i am in prayer, i am blessed, and i thank Jehovah for letting me know i still have some value in this world.  that's all, folkses.

awareness

this has been a good day, and a productive day as well.  i have no complaints.  and that's unusual, as of late.

i got up on time, turned off the alarm, said my prayer but didn't stretch.  i got dressed for the gym, had coffee and warmed up my car and went to the gym.  i did a hard half hour on the treadmill, higher elevation and speed, to get the heart rate up.  my sugar was the usual 124 when i got up.  when i got home, i read my scripture and readings, took my meds and insulin and had breakfast.  i rested for a bit, then got up and made my bed.  i went to the bank to cash a refund check, went to the store to get some of my supplies for the weekend and came back home to put stuff away.  i went to the jail to visit Heather.  she started the visit upbeat but ended with more doubt.  i tried to give her a perspective to meditate on, then i came home.

i got into it a bit with Syd, as she came in just to lay down for about 20 minutes before running around the corner again.  it's likely just my feeling of sadness at the ending of this chapter of us, but it's also pretty fucking annoying.  but i told her to do what she needed to do here, get her shit done and not to expect me to cook for someone who's not going to be here.  then i went to Papa's and got wings and a pastalillo for dinner with a salad i made.  i've set up coffee, put stuff away, washed my dishes.  i had my phone interview with the price comparison company, and that went well.  the receptionist in the morning at the JCC talked to the guy about my application and he said i am on his list to call, so that was good.  i am going to put this turkey away to thaw so i can do things with it over the next couple of days.  it's been a good day.  i have no complaints and i thank my Father for his kindness.

...love is not love...

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark, 
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come; 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

- Billy Shakes - 

...okay, a little bit of Shakespeare, to begin this errant sunday.  I did not log yesterday, and it was an important leg of the journey, which requires the sonnet above to bring recollection and clarity to my existence...for today.

i woke up in a funk today.  i did not feel like going to either the Kingdom Hall or my CA meeting.  as it turns out, the Hall didn't have service due to the weather, and i just told the folks from the meeting i wasn't feeling well.  i said a touch of the flu, but it wasn't and if i came down with the flu i'd deserve it.  i did say prayers, do readings and finish the song i was working on.  i vegged, perhaps in preparation for the Veg-a-thon that approaches the coming weekend.  but i did not do the things that needed to be done. 

later today, i took my father $100 because he asked if i had $200 he could borrow until wednesday.  i took him what i could, and i hope it helps.  my scripture reading was about doing what you do because it needs to be done, and it was helpful.  most of the next two weeks involve doing a bunch of nothing, and on that note, i'm sure i can afford that loan.  

i've got kielbassa that i'm going to make for dinner tonight.  going to cut up a potato and an apple and and onion, pan fry them, add shredded cabbage, make it spicy, and add the kielbassa and perhaps a sprinkle of brown sugar.  something hot, sweet and savory, comfort on a cold night.  

...so, why the Billy Shakes?

yesterday, i prayed, i meditated, i read, i medicated, i bathed and groomed and i chilled.  i waited for Rachel to be ready to roll with me.  my mission was twofold.  One, to get gifts for the 'other' who is currently with my daughter.  Two, to go see my sponsor, whom i hadn't seen in the better part of two months.  Rachel was a bonus, or she started out that way.  

now, let me say before hand, because this is leaning toward my own understanding.  Rachel has parental programming issues at a (likely) unconscious level, perhaps even subconscious.  she speaks of her interaction with her mother as a series of signifying, sarcastic responses, coercion, manipulation, playing ends against the middle, pitting child against child, overbearing and oppressive heavy-handedness during their childhoods, etc.  Rachel is very easy going with her children, though she believes she is strict.  she is not, i stress NOT, a bad mother.  but she is not the disciplinarian she speaks of.  her children seem to observe her as a thing to be endured, not so much an authority to be subject to.  her son steals from her regularly, and has broken every promise he made while incarcerated, which goes unremarked for the most part.  her daughters all live in what seems to be borderline contempt for her, though from time to time they act with a sense of love.  i have every belief that a part of Rachel knows this, that she is not unaffected by it, and that she attempts to suppress it, which brings it out in other conduits.  her sarcasm seems to be merely a means of not being the 'low person' on the totem pole of her life.  all lay observations, of course.  

yesterday, Rachel was terse almost from the beginning.  she seemed to be trying to stay bright, but it was evident that she wasn't really into being out with me.  we went to Gabe's and to Ollie's and i found the number of shirts i was looking for.  we went to Wendy's for lunch, and there were small digs, but nothing major and i chose not to even respond, as i needed to see where it was going.  

at my sponsor's house, my sponsor's dog, whom i adore, licked my face, licked my mouth.  i permit this, because i love my sponsor's dog.  there is nothing that cannot be cleaned, and though i'm fairly allergic to pet dander i like to show affection to this pet, the same as i like to pat Eva, Rachel's daughter's Rottweiler, when the dog permits it.  Rachel made a deal of it, and i deflected it when we went into their house, my sponsor and his wife.  my sponsor was very animated conversationally, and he and Rachel engaged for quite some time.  my sponsor has grown older into a man who likes to retell his stories when he has the chance, and a fresh audience was good for him.  we stayed a couple of hours.  

when we left, Rachel again went back to the dog kissing me, and this time i addressed it as something that i had no intention of feeling bad about and nothing that i would ever think to hide from her.  i know she is a germophobe of sorts, but i did not make to kiss her after the dog licked my mouth, and i washed my face with soap before we left anyway.  then she said, once we had returned here, that she felt as she did about 'The Girl Behind the Glass', which was when she said i was condescending toward her in the story.  but she wouldn't clarify what she meant, and i told her that i'd assume she didn't want to actually work anything out since she didn't want to communicate any further.  i made us dinner, showed her how to make a CD for herself, and eventually took her home.  she said, on the way, that she likely had forgotten to take her medicine and that was why she was having her 'mood', but i think it's something more.  my only statement that could be perceived as condescending, from my memory (and having not talked very much its easy for me to remember) was that she was an 'amazing and talented woman who ended up trapped by Youngstown',  i feel that way and continue to.  she is talented, creative, poetic, artistic and imaginative.  she is analytical, she is philosophical, she is conversive and moves through a variety of subject matter with ease.  she has great empathy and great compassion.  and those things, in a society that was geared to nurture and develop that person, would make her a very successful woman at whatever she chose to be successful at.  Youngstown wants young black people to be the epitome of the national image of thugs, bitches, gangstas and what have you, because the so-called 'war on crime' needs built-in criminals to be funded.  i know she is going to find her north star.  but i will not be anyone's emotional punching bag because they get in a situation where they fell insecure and i speak something that is on my heart, completely complimentary.  i won't.  i've been through that shit before.  

so, i must remember, love is not love that alters where it alteration finds.  love is unconditional or it is not love.  RELATIONSHIPS, however, are best when they are NOT unconditional.  because if you accept anything, you end up with nothing you started out with.  and that's my experience too.  it's been a long day.  going to cook now, and get my ass in gear for a good tomorrow.  Thank you, Father.  

void creating voids

i honestly don't believe i forgot to write again yesterday, but obviously my belief has nothing to do with it.  i get into these long conversations with Rachel in the evening and then i'm in my bed.  i have a Chromebook in my room and could write there, and will have to get into the habit of doing so, i suppose.  anyway, that's the void creating a void.  i wasn't into anything heavy yesterday, and i had a good enough day, but i ended up in my sleep zone without logging the journey.  i have to do better than that.

change can be sneaky, or it can be bold and unapologetic.  i seem to be going through the former at the moment, and sneaky change is rarely a good thing in my experience.

yesterday i got up, said prayers and i went to the gym.  i didn't stretch.  i walked a hard 15 minutes and i did some strength training and i went home.  it was a busy morning schedule and i was trying to remain adherent to it.  i got myself dressed, talked to Syd briefly (Liberty schools was on a 2 hour delay) and i went to get my brother.  we went to the union hall in Lordstown to pick up our food baskets.  my brother got one, and i got two for some reason (sneaky change).  i came home, brought the perishables in, got myself organized again and made my way to counseling, after i had breakfast and took my insulin and meds.  blood sugar was the average 125.

counseling was good.  it was sad, it was depressing, and i know a lot of people can wonder what would make that a good session.  but the thing is, i think, and my counselor thinks.  we are not over-programmed people, and that makes the world and its doings sad and depressing.  if my counselor was full of sunny optimism and angles to make insanity seem sensible, i would run like fuck and never see her again.  but VF is anything but.  a good person, and a great thinker, and sessions where we look at the human condition, though heavy, always teach me something and help me look around a corner i may not have previously even known was there.

after counseling, i came home.  i talked to Lonnie, who is in heavy space, as his dad has an infection in both legs.  Lonnie is under an amazing amount of strain, and he has his own illness to deal with, which i'm sure he's keeping under his hat.  i talked to my father and apologized for my attitude of the previous day, and we talked for a bit and he had another traffic court thing he had to work out.  and i talked to my mom briefly.  i made a potato soup for dinner, and i went to Uptown pizza and got a small pizza to go with it.  a treat for myself.  i ordered Rachel's present, one thing for Joe, and I bought Syd's gift that had to be downloaded on her laptop.

i am going to have to work to clear away the wreckage of my present life.  that is one of the goals for 2017.  i am going to take time soon to list those goals on a wall mount so that i can have a checklist of things to cross off once they're done.  i think i am doing well enough.  i don't need anything, all my needs are met.  and my wants are doing pretty well as well.  i am grateful to Jehovah for adjusting my perspective.  I've met the man with no feet, and i'm good being barefoot, metaphorically speaking.

amends to be made

...it's a cold motherfucking day.  that's all that can be said of that.

i got up with prayer, but i didn't get to the gym.  i did stretch, and i got to my scripture and meditation readings but that was later.  i made a decision that i was going to clean, and after a slow start i got it going.  got the kitchen and living room done, kitchen floor mopped.  i had Syd take a picture of my books on a backdrop and i got the picture edited and formatted as a flyer and posted on tumblr and facebook.  i got another song done and i'm going to need to put some pictures and movies together so i can start my ad campaign.

i had some unwarranted irritation, which i'm going to have to make amends for.  i asked Syd to have Joe clear my car for me, and she didn't so he didn't.  and when i went to get my dad for his meeting i was mad with him as i got the wrong time because of being irritated with Syd.  so i have to fix that with my dad.

it could have been a much worse day, but it really wasn't bad.  i'm going to the gym tomorrow, i'm going to Lordstown with my brother to get this christmas basket from my dad's union hall.  i'm going to counseling.  i'm doing the stuff i need to do and i feel pretty good about it all.  i am grateful for a restful and productive day.  but it is cold.  thank you, Father.

deliverance

i don't remember if i wrote yesterday or not.  i feel like i did, but i kinda feel like i forgot to.  well, under any circumstances, i'm writing today.

i'm already in bed, its early but that's nothing new.  i am not trying to stay up, for what?  it's freezing, i have nothing in the house that i'm planning on doing and i have to get it together to get to the gym in the morning, and it's going to be cold as fuck.

i got up later today as it was my off day from the gym.  i was doing stuff online, nothing serious, just fucking around after prayer and checking my blood sugar.  it was 104, which wasn't bad at all. once Syd went to school i had breakfast, took insulin and meds and started working on getting me out the door.  Lonnie called and i listened to him for a while and talked a bit.  his dad is doing rough, and he keeps plugging away but it's very rough on him.  Mike would be a good person to actually reach out to him.  i say that as Mike lost both of his parents and has experience with this that I don't.  but Mike is somewhere else these days.  i wish i could help Lonnie.  anyway, i ran a bath, got cleaned up, had time for a chill before i left to pick up Harry, who called for a ride to the meeting.

it was a small meeting, and there were several stone crazy people there.  but it was a meeting that happened and the doors were open and that's the important thing.  i went home after that, caught Rachel on the phone as i was on my way.  we talked briefly.  she was just getting up and was getting in gear for counseling.  when i got home i had lunch and got back to work on a piece that i was working on in the morning.  did the drum track in the bath and laid harmony but scrapped it before the meeting.  after the meeting it came together the way i wanted it to.

i made spaghetti for Syd, and i had salmon croquettes and a small bowl of the spaghetti and some salad for dinner.  i finished the mix and rendered the tracks to an MP3, and i'll use it for an ad this week, once i figure what visuals it needs.  i watched some tv, and that brings me back to being in bed.

the books came in today, HUZZAH!  i'm glad about that, but the cold is muting my exuberance.  i will start getting them out, and that means i have to get the accouterments finalized as well, the bookmarks and the poetry.  but this is the start of Z-Phyles, official-like.  and i can't help but be very grateful.  it's going to work out, i have faith and i trust God and the process.

strange things

a good day, and a strange one all at the same time.  i won't complain.

i got up with prayer, right on the button.  alarm had to wake me up.  i stretched, i got dressed, i made a cup of coffee and i put on a fresh pot.  i went to the gym.  i came home and had breakfast.  i got dressed.  i prepared to go to the store but i got trapped in the driveway by a truck that was trimming the trees by the wires in the yard.  i didn't get out until ten.  i went to the store and to my parent's house.  i got supplies and Rachel texted to let me know she was free.  i went to pick her up, came back to put groceries away and went to lunch.  we hung out for the rest of the day.  that was nice.

we talked about things.  i don't feel she did a full disclosure but that's okay.  it felt right, and it wasn't strained at all.  she is super-busy, as i knew she was, and she is still going through things, which i also knew.  i took her to pick up a prescription and to get her daughter from work and took them home.  i talked to my baby brother on the phone.  he is doing rough, apparently having been abstaining from drug use and recently relapsing.  i tried to offer him an ear and what encouragement i could but i admit i felt bad, not even having known he was struggling or had come to see himself an addict.  being wrapped up in self always sucks.

i guess i'm thinking about whether i'm really listening for God's voice or am i still hiding in self will.  i did turn down the Life Fleet job.  i know i need to be more secure in my health before taking on a driving job.  but i haven't heard from anyone else yet.  i am not rushing, i will practice what i preach, but i know that time is limited.  i have to maintain faith.  i know there is something good coming, and i want to be ready for it.  i am grateful for the day.  my back still hurts.  i guess it could be more than just a backache.  we'll see tomorrow.  thank you, Father.

sleeping friends

this has been a better day.  i'm glad i could get it started right, despite the snow.

we got quite a bit of snow last night and yesterday, and through part of today.  it has stopped for now, but likely it will start again.  tomorrow could be a wash, but we'll have to see what God has in store.

i got up a bit early, but that's good, as i had to turn off my Dad's beef ribs.  had them on a six-hour slow roast, and they were as tender as love before a broken heart.  i said my prayers then, did my stretches and got coffee started.  i meditated for about ten minutes, made my bed and i got dressed for the gym.  i warmed up my car as i read my scripture and readings and i did the treadmill at the gym.

i got home and let Joe in as i was heading back to lay down.  Syd left and i went to make my breakfast, some kielbasa and eggs and the last of my mashed potatoes from the day before.  i was sluggish for some reason, likely financial worries that i'm in the process of turning over.  i went to my parent's house, took the ribs, checked my mom's cable remote and called time-warner about her system not responding properly and ordered her a new remote.  i'd heard from Marc who was asking about me talking to Matt after the meeting yesterday.  he was going to bring Don's pot but i did have to leave later.

later in the day i went to lunch with Lonnie.  his car was at Walmart getting a new tire.  i hung out with him afterward, making sure he got his wife home and got his car picked up.  i fixed dinner from what was on hand, made some payments on my cards so i can get some groceries and do what gift shopping i'm going to get.  i talked to Rachel in the evening, and i'm going to be going to bed when i finish that.

Lonnie is exhausted.  i knew he was, but to see the way he dropped off to sleep and the restlessness of his sleep was disconcerting.  i'll have to keep a closer eye on him.

thank you for the day, Father.

course correction

i've been off, and it's time to stop this bullshit.

not too hard on myself though.  i've done good for months, and i'll do good again.  but i have to address it as it is.  i didn't get back to writing yesterday, because a nothing day turned into a heavy duty version of exactly that...a NOTHING DAY.  with the exception of going to my parent's house to get some supplies from my Dad's raiding of the IGA in Girard, i stayed mostly bedded down and chilling.  needed, i'm sure.  now though i feel lazy and unmotivated, and that's not going to do.

i did pray this morning, and i read my meditation books eventually, but i didn't stretch, i read no scriptures, i didn't go to the Hall.  i went to my meeting, and i ate a bunch of carbs because that's what there was for the pot luck, but also as a craving.  i've been feeling hungrier than normal, and i know it's because i need to detox from carbohydrates again.  so i know what to do and i'm going to do it.

i've decided i'm going to pass on the Life Fleet gig.  I have diabetes, and i'm not going to live a lie about it.  I also have high blood pressure.  Ditto.  they have restrictions, with my conditions, for the safety of their clients.  if i get away with withholding information, which i believe i could, and start working, i could cost a client their life, and that wouldn't ever sit right with me, nor do i believe that would be a good thing in the eyes of my God.  i'm going to let them know that i take a bunch of meds for my diabetes and thank them for giving me a chance to at least interview.

i know there are good things coming now.  i feel the spiritual attacks directly.  i also feel the calling to strengthen my foundation.  i just got a text from someone in Arizona.  maybe my baby brother, can't really tell.  but they apparently are now bingeing on something and reached out to me.  i told them to call and they said they would tonight.  i will get myself in a good spiritual place, turn it over and try to be of service, because that's the deal.  i will put in an application so that i can stay on point with my job seeking, so the good thing for me will know i am looking for it as it is looking for me, because that's the deal.  and i'm going to the gym in the morning, and i'm going to have time with Rachel soon, because that's the deal.

i'm able to correct my course and continue the journey.  i don't need to wreck the vessel because of drifting, that is an irrational action and achieves nothing worthwhile.  I am grateful to Jehovah God for all the blessings that have been placed at my door.

admittedly, apprehension

this is one of those 'i'm writing to get this out of me' moments.  i know that's why i didn't write yesterday, because i had a bunch of stuff on my mind and didn't really process it well, even though i went to counseling.  sometimes it's just harder to get it out, but i have to give it a good shot.

so, update first.  i didn't go to the gym yesterday.  i could barely sleep the night before.  i prayed, did my readings and i got myself slowly moving.  i could feel my mind searching for ways out of the orientation, but i know that was my fear.  i KNOW it was, because i've not worked in about ten years and i have a lot of readjusting to do.  Syd got off to school okay, and i was out the door not long after.  i took insulin, long and fast acting, as my sugar was a bit elevated.  i took meds, but no water pill, because i had no for certain idea how long the trip would be.  i made it on time, but the facility is tucked behind a trucking place, so eventually i had to call them and i was literally one corner away from them.

i went in, met the guy who ended up doing my orientation, which consisted of paperwork and a lot of glad-handed explaining of policy by said guy.  i listened, signed, answered, nodded, laughed and cosigned as i needed to, and i was out of there by 930 or so.  i stopped and got gas, talked to Lonnie as i came back to town, stopped at Save-a-Lot for dinner stuff and came home.  i prepped my steak, got fish out of the freezer (wanted a modified surf n turf) and went to counseling.  i was sleepy from the bad sleep and the decompression from the trip and anxiety of the orientation.  it was a good enough session but i know my head was only half there, and of the other half, half of that was sleep and the other half was thinking about Rachel.

i came home and climbed into the bed.

i got up after a point, finished my cleaning for the week, saw Syd in, saw her back out, fixed my dinner and ate and watched some television.  i'd engaged in a terrific battle with Time/Warner again, trying to make them do right by me since they fucked up in October by not changing my service as they were supposed to.  i had a piece of cake before i went to bed, just because i was craving something sweet.  i tossed and turned again, and eventually i went under for the night.

Rachel and i have spoken sporadically since Sunday.  i half expected this.  she was edgy most of the trip, and she as much as said the five days of proximity (thursday through sunday) was more than she could usually accommodate comfortably.  but i still believe it was being out of her personal space, without a place that she could easily retreat to.  its what makes me feel compromised and protective of myself in ways that come across as borderline abusive.  i've worked on it, so i understand, but she has to figure out what she wants.  if she wants anything more from me at all, no reason for me to assume.
thing is, i just want to make things secure.  i want to grow my business.  i want to make this thing become what it's capable of becoming.  i think about my grandparent's house, and it would be perfect for my business purposes.  room to live, a kitchen big enough to cook in and enough space to set up a computer room/media center and a meditation room, as well as an office.  far enough away that being bothered would only really be done by my brother, and close enough to be at my parent's front door in seven minutes.  its in my prayer and in my heart, but Jehovah's will will be done, and i will accept that.  i factor Rachel into the equation, because i do love her and want to spend my life with her, but i don't factor her all the way in because i don't know that she wants to be.  she's busy at the moment trying to get ready for the dinner her mom is planning for her cousins.  i am content to wait, but i miss her.  and that's the really strange thing.  at the end of our time in columbus, i was ready to bring her home, drop her off and keep it moving.  she was irritating as fuck.  but i miss her company.  my house is cold.  i feel sluggish.  i am going to go back to bed and chill as i said i would.  i have to get groceries.  my money is depleted and it's ten days into the month.  i'm sick of living this way.  i wish i didn't have to keep struggling so hard.  i don't believe in the magical process of discovery, but i know if the right person read one of my books i'd be on my way.  but not knowing how to make that happen, i have to trust God to make the way, because no way exists for me at the moment.  but i have faith.  this is a ranting, a purging of the negativity that has been accumulating in me for some days now.  my head is starting to hurt.  i just want to take it easy, and i will.  i cover today when the day ends.  and i am grateful for the opportunity to re-enter the world with a better footing than i had when i stepped away from it.

waiting for sleep...

i am nervous.  so much has gone wrong over the past 10 years or so.  so much has happened when i've attempted to move back into the mainstream of society.  and so much continues to unfold.  i am excited, and i am terrified, but i keep moving.  i guess that's the deal.

i got up to prayer, i didn't stretch.  i had a good sugar reading.  i went to the gym but didn't do much as i forgot my headphones.  i saw Syd out the door as i made myself some breakfast.  i took my Levamir, still leaving the Victoza lone and monitoring my sugar.  another day.

i went to my parent's house to wash clothes.  had a comforter, my bath rugs and display towels, my coat and a basket of clothes to wash.  got started and talked to my dad, more on that in a bit.  i fixed breakfast for my mom and my aunt, as my dad left.  i got my stuff done, about three hours, took a nap while i was there, then loaded my car and split.  i went to walmart for lunch and came home.  while i was at my parent's Rachel called and we talked briefly.  it's still weird between us, and she says she's been chasing thoughts all night and wants to talk when we have some sit down time.  i'm not surprised, cannot fathom what the spin will be but i miss hanging out with her.  another day.

i came home and put my bathroom back together and dried my clothes and the comforter the rest of the way.  i talked to Lonnie for a bit, i put in another application, i had lunch and dinner.  i watched some movies.  i played some games online.  i rested.  i'm still resting.  i want to be ready for tomorrow.  i want my mind unencumbered. i need to hit the gym but i think i may actually do a pass, just walk on saturday.  i need a bath.  i need to finish my house.  another day.

my dad asked me about my interest in my grandfather's old house.  clarification.  my grandpa died about three years ago, ten years after my grandmother died.  so maybe five years ago, or so.  anyway, his house was then occupied by my cousin, by my father's permission.  i would have liked to have been asked if i wanted to stay in that house.  i have tons of great memories there, and it would have been a perfect sized house for myself and Syd once upon a time.  another day.  my cousin moved in, moved his children in apparently.  didn't really tear it up, not from what i can see outside.  but he didn't really take care of it either.  ne is an alcoholic and a perpetual adolescent, at 50-something years old.

thing is, i've been put in a position to where i'm likely going to have to move.  i was thinking about a small apartment, as i know Syd is going to do her thing when she graduates.  i don't want the old family house.  not so much because of its location, more because to be the only one living where my entire family unit came into existence would make me feel like a ghost in my parent's home.  i don't want to feel that way.  nothing close to it.  so i passed on that house.  but my grandparent's house, that's different.  and i could reduce my expenditures and actually get ahead a little bit, especially if i get to working again.  and it would make a nice headquarters for Z-Phyles.  so, that's the what right now.  i'm sleepy.  my head hurts.  think i'm coming down with something.  but i am grateful to Jehovah for everything.

approaching Jupiter

well, this journey gets more interesting by the week.  i am blessed, and i am watching the working of the Program, and I am taking action and i am learning and growing and i am grateful and somewhat afraid, being human and all, and Jupiter is so fucking pretty from out here.

today i got up and said my prayers and did my stretches and crunches and felt something twinge in my shoulder.  and it's such a drag getting old.  i got dressed, had to take Syd to catch her bus, came home, did my readings, had a blood sugar of a 124, took meds and insulin, had breakfast, chose not to take the Victoza as an experiment in my control levels, and decided to start cleaning.  i cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and my bedroom, though my vacuum cleaner was still with my brother.  i went to my meeting, we had a good reading on Step 7 (humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings), and i went to the store to get stuff for chili.  i'd called my parent's house several times but only got voice mail.  finally i called mom's cell and found the phones were out again.  i'll check them when i go wash tomorrow.  i came home, had salad and five wings for lunch and started working on my chili, electing to finish my cleaning tomorrow.  i'd called the cable company yesterday about my service being overcharged for and i was waiting for a callback but no one did.  i did get a call about an application i'd put in on monday, an ambulance company looking for wheelchair transport drivers.  i go for an orientation on Friday.  i messaged VF to change my counseling time as i miss our sessions after 2 weeks but need to do this orientation.  i called back to ascertain that the move from 9 to 12 would be sufficient and it is.  i watched some television, talked to my brother, Lonnie and Rachel in the course of the day, i ate dinner, chili and rice and cornbread, i washed my dishes, i put in another application for a custodial position at JCC and i'm now laying in my bed, about to crash so i can get to the gym in the morning.

i am very blessed.  in the program, in the Step process, there is a thing that happens when you are living in the maintenance steps, 10 - 12, and is initiated once we get step 9 underway.  we read it at meetings as 'The Promises', and many people take that to mean if you stay sober these 'promises' come to you, but it's the result of taking ownership and cleaning house that bring them to your life.  let's see if i can remember them:
'we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.  we will comprehend the word 'serenity' and we will know peace'.  no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experiences can benefit others.  that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  self-seeking will slip away.  our whole attitude and outlook upon life will disappear.  fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.'

i would have to say that feeling these things working almost subconsciously is thrilling as well as disturbing.  there is a me that feels as if he should be panicking and running for the hills.  but a more 'real' me, perhaps the me that 'toti' always knew was there, perhaps 'toti' himself, knows that things are going to work out well, that i'm doing too many solidly good things to have to fear a shadow that creeps across the wall.  and that, in a large way, is my blessing today.  the orbit is where you learn; the journey is where you apply what you've learned.  and Jupiter is so damn pretty out here.

thank you, Jehovah, and may your will be done.

still outside my zone

well, i missed my entry yesterday.  not surprising.  my emotions are settling back in.  a lot going on, a lot to process.  so i keep it moving.

i slept well, i got up easily and got my prayer in.  i stretched, first time in several days, and i got on my gym stuff.  i had coffee and water, read my meditation books but saved the scripture until i got home.  i went to the gym, did weights, came home and read from the bible.  blood sugar was 122.  i made breakfast, i got my feet together and went to Dr. Jackson.  good to be able to report that sugars have been good and that meds have changed for the better.  i gave Dr. Jackson my proposal letter for his assistance in getting word out about Z-Phyles.  I went to the store and got some stuff for lunch.  i put in an application at the check smart place at the union square plaza.  i went to lunch with Lonnie.  I'd talked to Rachel earlier in the day, and i just got off the phone with her again.  i talked to my mom and my brother came by and borrowed the vacuum cleaner.  i am tired, it has been a long several days, but i'm ready to shut it down anyway so that's cool.

some things going on that i need to keep an eye on.  i'm putting in applications because my financial situation is about to change drastically.  i believe i said something about it; the SSI for Syd with me as payee ends when she turns 18, and that means a third of my operating funds are cut.  i knew this day was coming, and i have a sort of plan, but it was for another 6 months down the line.  strangely, the only real irritation i feel is in the fact that Syd doesn't seem to want to listen still.  her head is wrapped around Joe; that is appropriate for her age.  but she's going to learn the hard way.  she could go back to her grandparent's house, finish the year and then do whatever the hell she wants to do.  instead she's going to try to find some way to move around the corner where they've been playing house with the woman who used to live next door to us, and i am not going to try to stop her.  you can't learn if you don't ever fuck up, nor if you never try.
another thing i'm watching is Rachel's attitude.  i don't believe she's aware at how irritable she comes across most of the time now.  things have changed between us, i know they have.  i don't know how, and to be honest (and amazingly so), i am not worried about it.  Rachel has the ability and the desire to be strong in my corner, but she's so invested in who she's been that who she is going to be is almost going through a breach birth.  i can't help her with that.  it was a good weekend that had some very stressful moments.  for me, that's life.  it's what life does, it how life goes, it's what life is.  and to try for all flowers is to ignore the rain that makes them grow, the pollen that clogs you up or the bees that can potentially kill you with a sting.  but the flowers are not less because of these things.  they are actually more, because those things give the flowers definition and purpose.  so, i'm not going to invest time in that particular war.  she's going to have to fight it out with herself, and i'll be here the entire time, if i'm allowed to be.
with my funds about to be cut, it is imperative that the meeting elect a new treasurer.  it's not so bad that i feel i will steal money; it is that i won't be financially secure and that is not the kind of person you want holding the meeting funds.  but i can't make anyone take ownership for what they're supposed to do, i can only tell them the facts.  and i am doing that to the best of my ability.

i hope i get one of these jobs.  i put it in my Creator's hands, and i thank Him for the blessing of life today.

decompressing post-decompression

...complicated, i know.  but i need to get a bunch of shit out, and i need to actually recover from a trip i took to try to recover.  as a reality i am dealing with, that sucks.  but, i have to deal with it, and a lot of life will have to move forward from this point.  so, as they say, on with the show.

first, let me start by saying this:  HUMANS DO NOT OUTWIT DEMONS.  that is a fact, and it is something i would urge every human of a spiritual bent to remember.  things change, and things pass, but the demon's vocation will always remain the same;  to fuck you up.

so on friday, i got up, i said prayers, i went to the gym.  i had a good workout, treadmill and weights.  i knew i was leaving for columbus that morning and wanted to cover all the basis.  but i was already compromised.  i'd gotten 2 letters the day before from social security.  my daughter's benefits, 1/3 of the operating budget for the house, will be terminated next month when she turns 18.  i had thought i would at least have until the end of the school year, but that is not to be.  and i got the news on...December 1st.  the day after the most depressing month in my history.  the day after a really cool lead my my dad at our anniversary meeting that took me back down memory lane.  i was thinking about it, trying to keep the rats from running that thought around my head free of charge.  but the thought was there.  as soon as february, definitely by april, i will have to find other accommodations.

i told Rachel about this as we were heading for columbus.  i didn't want her thinking she was the object of my silence.  but Rachel was in another place.  we'll get to that shortly.

the trip was not eventful, though she fell asleep early and i had to do the drive pretty much solo.  when we got to columbus i got an address from Keith and made my way to his house and my autonomy was immediately compromised, as a woman i know from the program lives right across from his house and was just pulling up as i sat waiting for Keith.  i greeted her, asked about her health and sobriety and then Keith pulled up with Ronda.  Ronda gave me a hug and was glad to meet Rachel, whom i introduced as my 'beloved', as Ronda has wanted me to find someone for years now.  but we have to put that in Rachel's 'other place' for now.  getting there.

we went into Keith's house, hunkered down briefly, even shot a game of pool until Keith came back with two of Ronda's daycare kids he was watching while she attended a cousin's funeral.  we talked briefly and then Rachel and I went around the corner to Vera's flower galleria and spoke to her about a book signing possibility.  she had family in as well, so we didn't stay as long as i'd have liked, nor was everything laid out as a plan but it was a start.

i took Rachel to Central Point to go thrift storing, but there was only one thrift store left in a corner that used to have three wonderful thrift stores.  we shopped, i found some books and she got some stuff and then we went back to Keith's house.  almost there.

at Keith's house, we ate (though we did eat at a horrible Wendy's not long before) and i nodded in and out as Rachel watched television.  mind you, the initial plan was to get a hotel room for at least a night and perhaps two, but she advised she didn't require that.  i knew she was lying, but the truth is, I DIDN'T REQUIRE IT AND NEVER DO.  i have friends who accommodate me, and i take full advantage of their generosity, as i try to supply the same in return.  so at a point, Rachel asked where a store was, she needed some water.  Columbus water is a horror show, to be sure, and i told her i would take her because from the location of Keith's new house i couldn't tell her where a store was or one that would be open.  we started at Krogers, which was closed, and went to a service station/convenience store.  we got water and some other stuff.

here's the insert from earlier.  throughout the journey that day, Rachel had been snarky with a sniper's aim.  she was not overtly our outright bitchy.  she would throw something out, a personal piece of sarcasm, and then duck back behind the facade of being on an adventure.  not using turn signals to switch lanes (but she went to sleep and wouldn't help me stay up, nor did she offer to drive), my running through radio stations incessantly rather than just stopping on one (again, didn't help me stay up), not taking a bag from the thrift store when we were exiting (wasn't paying attention; we'd eaten breakfast much earlier and nothing in between and i was hungry and tired from driving all morning), and finally, leaving the convenience store, re-signifying about how 'your hands DO work, I see', at which point i felt it necessary to speak on it.  not that those were all, but the last was the straw of legend.

she said she hadn't been aware she was sniping, was not doing anything but being herself and apologized but only to pacify me.  i didn't worry about it, i had said what i had to say, that if i was doing something wrong i would love to be informed as to what it might be, and if not then i didn't understand why she kept jabbing at me.  i knew we weren't finished with it, and i didn't want to give it any more energy.  as she watched television, i faded in and out of sleep on a couch that gave practically no comfort.  it would have been fine for just myself, however.

early saturday morning, i got up and went for a walk, as i needed a fourth day of workout this week.  when i came back i went to the store, got toilet tissue, got coffee for us both and got some grapes.  we were supposed to go to De'ja's house later that morning for breakfast.  when i went to empty the trash Rachel fell asleep so i did all those things by myself.  peaceful.  she appreciated the coffee, she got up and we got things gathered together and went to De'ja's.  that seemed to be a much better experience, and it surely was for me.

we had breakfast, Deja's girl got coffee for us, we got to shower and talk and figure out the day.  Rachel seemed in better spirits and we ended up revisiting my concern of the day before.  i told her if my perception was faulty then i was all apologies, but that was how i felt.  we went to Kafe Kerouac, i left a missive for Mike the proprietor about possibly doing a book signing there again, we went across the street for Mexican and back to De'Ja's to crash.  we laughed, we had fun, we went to two thrift stores and a dollar store to boot and we enjoyed each other.

but that lasted only a day.

today, sunday.  good sleep on a bed, good waking, i went to get coffee for us.  i got dressed, Rachel took a shower.  we were heading to have breakfast with Patrice.  some of the snark was back, but again i chose to ignore it.  i had told Rachel i would pick my fights carefully and her discontentment coming out as sarcasm was not a fight i needed to hop into.  we went to breakfast.  i introduced Rachel to my good friend Patrice.  throughout breakfast i could feel Rachel trying to gauge the dynamic between Patrice and myself. not going to go through the whole meal.  i took Rachel to a cheap dollar store that Kim, Patrice's friend, had told us about.  i'm tired now, so i'm going to wrap this up.

Rachel asked me if Patrice and I had dated. i told her no.  she asked me about the woman who lives close to her, i told her TP.  she asked if i'd dated her, i said no.  i decided i was done.  i had planned to stay in columbus until evening, but i didn't feel like dealing with Rachel any further and felt she needed to be home as did i.  i got gas, then she asked if we were getting things for the road.  i stopped at another station for supplies and she asked why i didn't just get gas at this station as well.  she told me a tire looked low.  i found a place to put air in and she asked me did it really need air, why didn't i check the gauge.  and she fell asleep on the road back.  she woke to speak to her daughter, but not to keep me awake.

i prayed every day.  i did the best i could.  i am emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained now.  i'm going to lay down.  i am grateful to God, and i love Rachel.  that's all i have for the moment.  

irritability

this was a day that i'm glad is almost over.  i don't have many days like that, and a modicum of gratitude would not be harmful at all.  i am alive.  i am sober.  my parents are not suffering.  my clothes are in my dryer now.  i have an idea for my media thing to come, as far as my book presentation in june.  all good stuff.

now, about the day.

i got up but didn't hit the gym.  i read my meditations and i did my prayer but i didn't stretch.  i actually turned my alarm off this morning.  i was exhausted, the binaural meditation vid put me deep deep under.  i eventually got up.  yesterday's coffee was all i could manage, so i had a cup.  i sent Rachel a text that i felt next week would be better for Columbus, and i sent messages to my people to let them know the same.  i was still tired, i had breakfast, a hamburger patty and two scrambled eggs.  i told my mom when she called i didn't know if i was still going to make it to wash clothes today.  i decided i'd do it anyway, fit a lot of stuff into a day where my energy would be better spent just regrouping.  there are days like that.

then the day went south.

i had to do a master schedule sheet for a friend so he could print updated copies of our meeting list for distribution.  did that, no problem.  had to get it to him and then get Rachel for her counseling at 1.  managed to do both.  but i did a lot of waiting around today.  waited at counseling.  ran back to Struthers because she forgot her meds and was off her feed.  waiting at family dollar for her to go 'in and out'.  took her to the laundry mat, went downtown to visit Heather only to find i still wasn't on the list.  ran back across town, bought Arbys because i needed to eat and i figured Rachel did too.  but she'd gone to Subway before i got back.  waiting for clothes to finish.  waiting for her when she took clothes home, out in my car.  waiting while she changed clothes.  waiting to go to the library.

the Poland branch of the Youngstown Library has a local artist showcase type thing that happens in December and June, apparently.  you register and you get a table where you can set up your books and your information and your presentation and you tell your friends and your fans and the media to come check out the event.  it's a 'one hand washes the other' deal, but it seemed pretty nice.  i wasn't ready for the one today but i'll be ready for the one in June.

Rachel came with me.  i imagine one of us was irritable.  i'm thinking both of us were, to an extent.

she never got my text.  so she went through half her day under the impression that we were going.  so i decided to go.  not the biggest deal in the world.  just means some things will be on hold for a minute or three.  life goes on.

but it was an irritating, frustrating, long and tedious day.  and i can only hope it is not that kind of a weekend, in Columbus, where i have no haven.  i'm going to pray for good emotional weather.  we need to feel each other out in stranger environs.

waited for her at WalMart.

thank you Father, for a very nice day.