...what I do...

SUMMER ROSE (for the lost souls on display)

...and you can't see
the losses
behind the bright
smile,
but the eyes
have dim lights
and they weep
without tears,
if you bother to look.

and you can't hear
the breaking
of a heart
when love has gone,
but the hands
wring themselves
like cloths
that scrub someone
else's belongings
and never get
clean in
her own water.

and you can see
the autumn
in her hair,
winter approaching
maybe swifter
than it should,
but the air
sits heavy
around her
and her thoughts
always seem
to have an
echo,
when they're
whispered
at her distracted
moments.

it's easy
to assume
she is fine,
she never
complains.
she's not one
to whine,
to bend
the ears
of the uncaring
until they break
under a fraction
of the weight she
carries
every
damn
day...

but sometimes
you HAVE
to see,
you HAVE
to open
your eyes,
you have to hear
the broken glass
beneath her
laughter,
you have to
smell
the house
eternally
burning down
in her perfume.
you have to
WANT
to know,
and then,
perhaps this
Summer
Rose
can find
there are still
places
where the soil
can nourish,
still places
where
the rain
is sweeter
than acid,
still places
where the sun
wants kisses
from flowers
of any age...
there is still
summer
somewhere in
the world,
regardless
of winter's
malevolent
attitude...

...and you can't
see...
until you
WANT
to
know...

that is a poem i posted on Facebook this morning, after an encounter that i'll speak on tomorrow.  it is about someone, it is a hope that i am tuned in to the right channel and listening to the right message.  that would be a good thing, a happy thing for me.  

i got up this morning, said prayers, got into my gym stuff and heated a cup of coffee.  i reset the coffee maker to brew a full pot as i went to the gym.  i worked hard with the weights and walked on the treadmill.  i left sore, am still sore, but satisfied.  

I had made plans to have lunch with Lonnie after I got home.  he'd gotten the results of his biopsies and has prostate cancer.  he is extraordinarily calm about it, but i was as sad as could be when i got the word from him and decided i needed to see his face, not necessarily talk to him about it.  so i went to the store first, got some things i could find as i'm planning a day with Rachel this weekend, and then we went to lunch.  but first, new cardiologist.  

i got to my appointment at a quarter to ten.  filled out and signed a few papers and went in the back.  weight up, blood pressure good.  the doctor was not long in coming, said stay the course, essentially.  i have to go back in two weeks for an echo-cardiogram and in a year for my next appointment.  it's not Dr. Lutton, by any stretch, but i guess it will do.

lunch with Lonnie was okay.  he's optimistic and positive, which is his nature.  it is something to see that in action, something to see someone for whom calm and thoughtfulness is not just a mask, not just a surface construct to keep the idiots at bay, but an actual way of life.  i told him i'll be there to support him however i can, and i meant it.

i went to see Rachel, visited for a few, and came back home.  i am working on my final edit of Old Lazarus, but i ended up napping, which was a good thing.  after i got up, i made spaghetti and ground turkey marinara sauce for Syd, went to get the last of what i need for the weekend from the store, picked up something for an acquaintance, which I'll know if it does any good tomorrow and will speak on at that point, and made myself some dinner.  i ate with Syd, and am thinking on a philosophical question.  i am holding on.  the depression is outside my mind, but trying to find the handle to get in.  i encounter someone whom, possibly, i can help out of their depression, or at least find a light switch so they can see it more clearly.  do i worry about me, and allow them the residuals and hope that's enough for them to find their way, or do i worry about them, and hope that the old power works that ;'in order to keep it, you have to give it away'?  i'll let you know.  Thank you, Father.