Victoza my ass...

i hate this day and am glad that it's ending.  I am grateful for life, don't get me wrong.  i am grateful for breath and a chance for a better day should I awaken.  but i never feel good about a day where i feel like shit and don't know if waking up is a thing that will happen.  that's never a real good feeling.

i got up and said my prayers, and i had had a strange dream about Rachel being at a great distance even though she was close enough to touch.  yesterday was just one of those days.  a compendium of internal things that I know are going on inside of Rachel though i don't have her say so to confirm any of it.  i've long reached the point of not requiring someone's verification of what i perceive to accept it as truth, because I don't have to act on anything i perceive.  but when it's as close as she is to me, it lingers.

anyway, got up, prayed, thought about the dream.  started to plan for the actions of the day, which i wrote about yesterday.  let's shorten this, as i still feel like shit.  i got the dish rack, got the microwave set up (thank you again :-D , and i went to the jail.  but i didn't get to visit Heather due to some mix up on the part of the jail, and i didn't finish my cleaning, not even the counterspace that I was wanting to get arranged, because i feel like shit, and i didn't get any of the other stuff done.
and it's that fucking Victoza.

today i felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest, i felt pain in my back, nausea, headachy, dizzy, numbness, tingling and a host of other 'side-effects' that are listed on the internet as possibilities with Victoza.  i felt that way yesterday too, but to a lesser extent.  my eyes feel like they're trying to fall out of my head and i have no energy at all.

i have to get it together.  i have to get some of this shit finished.  but it makes me realize...vulnerability is the scary thing as you get older.  not so much the probability of getting sick, but the likelihood of having to deal with it by yourself, to the extent that you are able, and others only commiserating after they discover that you'd been sick.  i don't know.  it's an adjustment, and i'll have to do it, but i won't have to like it.

i did send off the information to my friend Lisa, so i hope that goes well.  Father, I'm sorry for my ingratitude, and i have to go to bed now.