i was feeling pretty good about today, and i'm certain after i write in this i will feel okay again. but for the moment, i am weary of my child. it happens. not a parent alive that it doesn't happen to, best of them and the worst of them. and it's about par for the course, and it doesn't happen as much as it used to, so i guess that's okay.
today i got up on time but i couldn't bring myself to go to the gym. don't know why, exactly. was watching 'cat on a hot tin roof' and nodding in and out. so i decided another course of action must be imposed for the day.
i did pray, i did take meds and insulin, and i sat at the computer and paid my bills, the primary ones. then i got my ass south and had breakfast with Marc and then went to the meeting.
the meeting was good, the home group meeting was good, and i have some things that i have to take care of in the coming days, that i need to start making a list on.
i talked to Rachel briefly after the meeting, and couldn't catch Lonnie and didn't get anyone at the house. i decided i'd cut the grass, being that it needed cutting and i needed exercise. it was a rough cut, just winded quickly, but i persevered and aside from the back slope i did it all. in the process, Syd came home with Jo. i asked Jo to go get me gas for my can, and he complied right away. i told Syd while he was gone that i wanted the trash taken out to the curb and the floor swept. that was about 3 this afternoon.
the sour note, then. at 930 i'm summoning her for the third time on this. trying to find out just what it means that a person 'has an alarm set' on taking trash out. she said she was doing homework. now, i could think myself nitpicky, but taking out trash is not a lengthy process in an apartment. gather small trash into big trash, and get big trash to can and to curb. not more than ten minutes, period. so when i'm told that 'i've got an alarm set on it' it means, i'm blowing it off, hoping that you just do it yourself, and also hoping that me saying 'i forgot' tomorrow will go over as well as it's been working lately. and i'm just not feeling that today. so i got in her shit about it, and now i'm irritable. it happens. i'll be okay by tomorrow. tomorrow i have to go through my cards and make payments. that's how it goes.
i wrote Heather a letter today. sent her some sudoku pages i printed. told her about what's going on with me, by way of the business i'm tending to and the person that is in my life. felt it was necessary. the 'friend's mom' texting me that 'Heather loves you', the looking out the tier window while i'm driving away, the tone of 'i can't wait to see you' and 'i don't know what i'm going to do when i leave here', i needed to reiterate in clearer, reinforced terms, that i am not inclined towards intimacy. i did get in touch with Meridian on her behalf, gave them her name and they'll be looking for her and seeing what they can do to help her. i will continue to visit. but i will not allow false hopes of romantic inclination...not even from myself. because i am that kind of asshole, and something easy and vengeful would not be out of character for me. so i am acting out of character, and that is going to be the thing that enables me to continue helping her, and maybe having a better foundation for a working friendship in the future. we'll see.
anyway, i'm going to get some water and lay it down. Thank you, Jehovah, for everything.
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