...whahappen?

...not sure what happened last three days.  but i need to get this shit in gear, and i apologize to my Father and my toti for the delay.

i can only go from today and toss in some memories as they surface.  i got up about five this morning, and said my prayers and got to cleaning.  it was kind of slow going, gathering clothes, stripping my bed, but then i got a pot of coffee on, and got to work.  i cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom first then texted my brother to come for breakfast.  i'd made plans with him on Friday to come over in the morning so i could get some film of him for the next advert, first one for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS on sale.  i made breakfast while i worked more on the kitchen and backroom.  didn't want to get too far into cleaning the kitchen just to have to do it again later.

Jerry came by and told me he was a mite too superstitious to do the shoot by the headstones i wanted to do.  he says it cost him some sleep last night.  not sure what the issue was, but i changed it to a shot sitting at the edge of my driveway and some snaps of him by the rocks in the field of weeds.  I can work with them, but it's not the way it is in my head.  but before you start, everything is negotiable.  i have a notion to ask the guy behind me to play my Jesus figure, and the guy that was going to be the devil was to come over today but he cancelled on me, saying 'wardrobe problems'.  nothing i could do about that.

the day other than that was pretty boring.  i did clean my whole house, i had lunch and dinner, i heard from Rachel in text but didn't see her and haven't talked to her yet. i wanted to go to my mom's house to wash clothes but company was there all day so that didn't happen. i chilled, which seemed to be the right thing to do.

currently, i am bored, and i'm about to go to bed.  friday i had counseling and it was a good session but it was sad.  talked about depression and death and the limitations of being able to prevent someone from dying if they are truly of that mind.  it is never an easy session like that, nor should it be.  sometimes you have to deal with the dark stuff to clarify the quality of the light.  yesterday as well i finished making my white chili.  it was very good, but i'd hoped i'd have been eating it with Rachel and that didn't happen.  i know she's dealing with her family, and i know enough to know that she is trying to appease them, that they have some issue with me as someone who can get her out of the house and away from them and on her own time.  but i remain patient.  she is worth the wait.  thus far.

i don't know, there was something on my mind but it's gone now and i'm not going to dig around too far to find it.  perhaps when i get to this tomorrow, it will come back.  meanwhile, thank you for your patience, Father, and i'm done for the day.