the blurring of the borders

this day has been instructional in many ways.  i'm not sure if i've learned what i was supposed to, but i've learned.

i started a blog earlier, i'm pretty sure.  i had caught up from yesterday to the morning, and then i got off into my day.  it went well enough, especially not having a plan.  i did go see Heather, and she is trying to feel me out as to whether i will be a resource when she gets out of jail.  i'm going to see if i know anyone with enough juice to get her on the Donofrio waiting list.  i'm also going to see what's available for women as far as 1/2 way or 3/4 way housing, as the landscape is much changed since i was really plugged into the recovery network.  but there are always things, and one thing is for certain:  she will not be staying here.  not briefly, not for a moment.  far more reconstruction of the damage between us has to be done.  but she says she did her 3rd step with the woman who came for the AA meeting, and she's likely going to start on her inventory, so that's what is going on there.

i went to visit Rachel, which was cool, but her guard is way up, and i'm not trying to navigate around it at this time.  i told her a lot of what i've been thinking, and i hung out with her and i came home and that was pretty much that.  she called me this evening but it was a lot of silence again.  but this time i just stayed on the phone until she was ready to start her movie.

i had dinner, i tried to call Tracy but no answer there, i did some rearranging of my work parameters on my desktop and laptop and now i am going to go to sleep.  i am grateful, though i don't think i got the entire lesson today.  i can't figure what is holding Rachel back.  i know the depression, and i know the weight of the things that she feels she caused to be so far out of whack.  but the solution, the only thing that will change it, is action.  and i can't do action for her.  not how it works.  i can't figure why Heather is still trying to find an angle to get at me.  i don't want to hurt her feelings, but i don't mind hurting them if i have to.  i told her to tell whomever is texting me for her to stop.  i'm not open for that kind of business, and i don't really appreciate someone having my number that i don't know.

at the same time, i'm trying to keep in mind that down is not a place you go to hunt when you're trying to get stronger.  you have to hunt above your strength level.  wounded animals are easy prey and they make easy prey out of their predators.  bigger stakes are what i'm after, so bigger game is what i'm hunting.  i am grateful, and i don't hate her, and i will help her.  but if she tries to use me, i'm done.  and that's a fact.