Hard Left

October 31, 2016

woke about 4am
prayed
read Habbukuk
had coffee
meditated (10 mins)
stretched
edited
dressed for gym (5:15am)

gym today: weight machines

breakfast will be
2 fried eggs
1 sausage patty

lunch was
2 hamburger patties (no bread)
sauteed stir-fry veggies
sliced tomatoes
can of sirloin burger vegetable soup

dinner:
corned beef and cabbage
2 small squares cornbread

snack
cheddar cheese
sugar free jello

(breathing and heart rate accelerated, think I'm coming down with a cold)


i started the day too early, and I'm going to have to work on that tomorrow.  but i got up, got coffee started, got dressed after my prayer and my reading and my meditation, i stretched and i was prepared for the gym.  i lost track of my keys with my gym card and had to search, so i got to the gym a bit late but i got there.  i worked on weights today, about 45 minutes, i came home, saw Syd off to school and had breakfast.  i did some editing, but not much on the book today.

i was tired from being up so early, plus i'm pretty sure my sugar was high going to bed as i was up pissing all night.  but i couldn't get all the way to sleep and then Syd's school called and said she had a temperature and needed to come home.  so i rode out to pick her up, packed my gear when i took that ride, got her home with Tylenol and water and went and shot some film i needed.  then i went to the store, got a head of cabbage and some odds and ends, not much, and i came home.

Jo was here not long after bringing Syd some lunch and I had a talk with him about my rule of not coming when Syd is home sick, and about him possibly dialing it back a bit.  i don't want to be mean to him, i remember the first time i thought i was in love.  but i am 48 now and irritable most of the time and prefer when i don't have to look at too many people too many days in a row.  after he left i got the cabbage cut up and simmering in the leftover juice from the corned beef so i could repopulate my dish with greenness.  i worked on the film editing.  i talked to my mom and to Lonnie.  I talked to TF for a few, just to ascertain she is still alive.  i talked to Rachel this evening.  Syd believes she has an infection from having her molar pulled but she has a dental appointment in the morning and didn't say anything when presented with a choice of going to the ER or waiting til morning.  She wants me to do things that she won't take the time to do, and if i do that she won't ever learn to prioritize and that's going to bite her in the ass in the next couple of years.

i am now thinking i'm going to change my alarm to 4:30am, so that i can get up, say my prayers and meditate, do my stretches and get coffee and get to the gym by 5:30.  i think that should provide enough time.  i also think that I want to save the work, as far as the editing and the contacts, until i get home and have breakfast.  rather than get up focused on working, get up focused on getting my spirit right to face the day.  i have kept my carbs minimal.  i did good today, i believe.  Thank you, Father.

recalibration

Okay, so today was a good day, but today brings with it a new Orbit, a need for some new direction.  I am glad to say that I feel as if I am on the verge of great things, great changes, and a great new foundation being laid atop the old.  That is what I am aiming for.  Perhaps the orbit itself won't be different, but there are new coordinates and therefore the journey must take on a depth and a gravity that hasn't been there in quite some time.

First, the recap.  I woke to leg cramps and sips of milk to deal with them.  I woke early but laid in bed until i needed to get up and i said prayers and got myself moving.  i had plans to go to the Kingdom Hall with my mother, but when I called her i found she was going to just stay in,wasn't feeling up to par.  I told her I'd come over after I was done with my stuff.  I washed dishes, took meds and insulin and i had breakfast.  i took a shower, washed my hair, got dressed and got my stuff together and made my way to the Hall.  I enjoyed the talk, and I enjoyed the Watchtower lesson.  I enjoyed seeing friends and family that I don't get to see unless i go there, and that was a good thing also.  Then I made my way to a Family Dollar, where i purchased a flavored water, a bag of pork rinds and a pair of cheap sunglasses.  i went to my meeting, speaking to Lonnie briefly before i got there.  the meeting wasn't bad, and it wasn't a long chapter.  Matt brought his suit and tie and i stayed afterward and shot the video and images I needed of him for the Old Lazarus video.  I called my friend Karl after I left the meeting but he didn't answer so i went to my parent's house.  My mom was down in the dumps and i ate lunch there and talked with her for a bit.  i tried to offer her some encouragement, and i enjoyed just spending time.  I waited until my dad got in and i talked to him as well and put alarms on his phone for the 30th of next month when he's supposed to speak for me at our anniversary meeting.  then i came home, got ready for when Karl came by and played on the computer for a bit.  

Karl came by and I got the video i needed of him for the Old Lazarus spot as well.  I now have to flesh out the rest of it and then collect the rest of the shots that i need.  i fed Karl and myself, we talked about music and mixing and some other things and then he left.  the plan now is to wash the dinner dishes, get my ass back into my room and get ready to go to sleep so i can get up and hit the gym in the morning.  I hope to collect the rest of the shots that i need, and i hope that i can get it all done tomorrow so i can start working on editing and composition.  it's going to be a good thing.  

now, about this new trajectory.  My new cardiologist has given me hope.  I could be getting much better, but i am still improving.  I thank Jehovah God for that.  But i have to do my part.  I've been gaining weight again, because i've been all over the carbs lately.  part of it is internally suppressed frustration, the slowness of these pre-sales, the encroachment of November has the depression on the edge of my reality as well.  BUT...according to this cardiologist, according to my records, i'm not showing signs of the congestive heart failure that i was 10 years ago.  now, i'm not sure how or why, so i'm thanking my God for this.  but i know that i can get back to being sick, i can fly a holding pattern until something else falls off, or i can work toward getting better.  

so, i'm taking curtain number three.  my goal is to drop about 75 pounds by the end of spring, 2017.  i am going to start tomorrow with the elimination of carbs at all but one meal.  that is going to help.  i'm going to get serious about getting to the gym and working out.  i am going to start training.  i'm going to format a schedule for myself and attempt to adhere to it.  getting up, saying my prayer, doing my reading, taking my meds, eating appropriately, editing, writing, exercising, working on music.  putting in an application a day.  making the calls i need to make.  getting to meetings.  getting to the Hall.  I'm going to work in developing a better work ethic, better habits.  and see what comes of trying to structure myself more rigidly in my own best interest.  

One of the lessons today was about not 'letting your hands drop', or strengthening your hands.  in biblical terminology, that is about remaining steadfast in a task, for the most part.  the first example was of Moses raising his staff of God during a battle and the Israelites winning until he would weary and his hands would drop and they'd start to lose.  and Aaron and Hur put a stone under Moses for him to sit on and held his hands up along with him until Israel prevailed.  Now, i think that's cool.  but i think this too.  in boxing, one thing a fighter works on, maybe more than any other, or at least more important, is endurance.  one of the ways you can tell when  boxer is running out of steam is when his hands begin to drop.  it means he's no longer protecting himself, he's not really guarding himself nor is he in a particularly good position to punch or counter-punch.  he's getting hit a lot, and he's taking a lot of punishment.  i feel like i need to start working on endurance.  i'm in the later rounds of my life now.  i have some rounds to go, and i want to finish strong.  i want my hands up, catching blows, deflecting, sticking my jab and setting up my hooks.  i want to fight til the end, in other words.  and I think, if i change some things, recalibrate, i can make it and maybe, God's will be done, win in the end.  

it's worth putting in the work, by any means.

thank you, Jehovah, for a wonderful day.  

close to perfect

...i have to start a bit blasphemous, and I have to be honest about it.  I have had a thing that I know means a great deal to me, and I refuse to trivialize it, i refuse to make less of it, but i have to keep it in perspective, because it is a part of the growth that lay ahead of me, i'm sure of that.

okay, so yesterday, Rachel decided she'd stay overnight here.  we were going to hit a rummage sale at the Cardinal church down the street from me, and they started at 9am, so she decided it would be easier on me if she just stayed.  she got her daughter squared away, made sure her kids were where they needed to be and she came over.  we watched television, i prepped my corned beef and cabbage and made peanut butter blondies, i got my CB&C on and in the crock pot in its developing stages, we spent some time intimately and then i went to crash as she watched some OITNB on netflix.  i had on my ambient relaxation music, and i was aware of her in the living room but i didn't challenge her to crash with me.  when she came, i offered her the bed and told her i'd take the couch because i wanted her to be comfortable.  as it stood, in the early morning she came into my room and crashed on the bed with me.

now, here's a thing.  in my previous incarnations, i did not SLEEP well with someone in my bed.  wasn't with it, i can't say exactly why.  maybe because when we were little kids my brothers and i were forced to share beds, and i had more than one bedwetter for brothers.  but i just didn't dig it.  if i was sexual with a woman i was with i'd hold her until she fell asleep and then i'd extricate myself from her and retreat to the far side of the bed.  if she pursued me i'd end up on the floor in the morning.  fear of intimacy?  definitely just didn't sleep well with that dynamic.  it was not an issue with Rachel.

I got up at 5am as usual.  i slid off the bed and said my prayers.  i refitted the sheet over the corner of the mattress and i went to make coffee.  i had a cup of coffee, some water and i did some editing.  i took my meds, made myself an egg sandwich and eventually started watching television.  Rachel got up about seven something, got some coffee, we talked, she fussed as she does, she got dressed and i got dressed and we went to the rummage sale.  she got a bunch of clothes, i got a potpourri pot and some small baskets for my silverware.  then we went to Goodwill, as they had a half off sale today.  i got books.  we came home, i made a bacon/honey/jalapeno cornbread and we ate corned beef and cabbage and corn bread.  it was very good, i'm glad i chose to make it.  we watched some television, she fell asleep eventually on the couch.  i went in my room and played on the computer until i went to see Heather.  I told Rachel i'd see her in a bit and went for my visit.  i relayed the lawyer's message to Heather and told her about Meridian saying they'd get their person in to see her.  that hasn't happened yet.  Heather is bummed out and sad and I told her she has to take time to work on gratitude and faith. I'm sure that's not very helpful but sometimes you have to learn to use one weapon so that you can qualify for another one.  anyway, i came home, we talked a bit, i eventually took Rachel to the store and then home and i've been here ever since.  I feel good.  i feel stuffed and i feel sleepy as hell, and i feel good.

having Rachel here felt natural. it felt, as it does whenever she visits, like she belongs.  i am glad that she chose to stay.

i have some things i need to implement starting monday, but i'll go into them tomorrow.  for now, i am grateful for the day and i'm going to shut it down, as i've stupendously tired right now.

new things

not going to be long for the night tonight.  it's been a very good day, a very productive day.  from prayer to the gym, from counseling to my parent's house and making my mother a fish chowder, from getting my clothes washed to getting the house straight, from making a batch of peanut butter blondies to getting my corned beef in the crock pot for corned beef and cabbage, it was a day of just enjoying.  I don't get many days like that.  and I'm very appreciative of this one.  Rachel is staying so we can get an early start on the rummage sale down the hill.  a very new thing.  i guess i'm going to be okay.  Thank you, Father, for a great day, and thank you for a life that is in your underserved kindness.

...what I do...

SUMMER ROSE (for the lost souls on display)

...and you can't see
the losses
behind the bright
smile,
but the eyes
have dim lights
and they weep
without tears,
if you bother to look.

and you can't hear
the breaking
of a heart
when love has gone,
but the hands
wring themselves
like cloths
that scrub someone
else's belongings
and never get
clean in
her own water.

and you can see
the autumn
in her hair,
winter approaching
maybe swifter
than it should,
but the air
sits heavy
around her
and her thoughts
always seem
to have an
echo,
when they're
whispered
at her distracted
moments.

it's easy
to assume
she is fine,
she never
complains.
she's not one
to whine,
to bend
the ears
of the uncaring
until they break
under a fraction
of the weight she
carries
every
damn
day...

but sometimes
you HAVE
to see,
you HAVE
to open
your eyes,
you have to hear
the broken glass
beneath her
laughter,
you have to
smell
the house
eternally
burning down
in her perfume.
you have to
WANT
to know,
and then,
perhaps this
Summer
Rose
can find
there are still
places
where the soil
can nourish,
still places
where
the rain
is sweeter
than acid,
still places
where the sun
wants kisses
from flowers
of any age...
there is still
summer
somewhere in
the world,
regardless
of winter's
malevolent
attitude...

...and you can't
see...
until you
WANT
to
know...

that is a poem i posted on Facebook this morning, after an encounter that i'll speak on tomorrow.  it is about someone, it is a hope that i am tuned in to the right channel and listening to the right message.  that would be a good thing, a happy thing for me.  

i got up this morning, said prayers, got into my gym stuff and heated a cup of coffee.  i reset the coffee maker to brew a full pot as i went to the gym.  i worked hard with the weights and walked on the treadmill.  i left sore, am still sore, but satisfied.  

I had made plans to have lunch with Lonnie after I got home.  he'd gotten the results of his biopsies and has prostate cancer.  he is extraordinarily calm about it, but i was as sad as could be when i got the word from him and decided i needed to see his face, not necessarily talk to him about it.  so i went to the store first, got some things i could find as i'm planning a day with Rachel this weekend, and then we went to lunch.  but first, new cardiologist.  

i got to my appointment at a quarter to ten.  filled out and signed a few papers and went in the back.  weight up, blood pressure good.  the doctor was not long in coming, said stay the course, essentially.  i have to go back in two weeks for an echo-cardiogram and in a year for my next appointment.  it's not Dr. Lutton, by any stretch, but i guess it will do.

lunch with Lonnie was okay.  he's optimistic and positive, which is his nature.  it is something to see that in action, something to see someone for whom calm and thoughtfulness is not just a mask, not just a surface construct to keep the idiots at bay, but an actual way of life.  i told him i'll be there to support him however i can, and i meant it.

i went to see Rachel, visited for a few, and came back home.  i am working on my final edit of Old Lazarus, but i ended up napping, which was a good thing.  after i got up, i made spaghetti and ground turkey marinara sauce for Syd, went to get the last of what i need for the weekend from the store, picked up something for an acquaintance, which I'll know if it does any good tomorrow and will speak on at that point, and made myself some dinner.  i ate with Syd, and am thinking on a philosophical question.  i am holding on.  the depression is outside my mind, but trying to find the handle to get in.  i encounter someone whom, possibly, i can help out of their depression, or at least find a light switch so they can see it more clearly.  do i worry about me, and allow them the residuals and hope that's enough for them to find their way, or do i worry about them, and hope that the old power works that ;'in order to keep it, you have to give it away'?  i'll let you know.  Thank you, Father. 

crazy

today was pretty good, and i feel okay.  better than i'd been feeling in the few days proceeding this one.  i have an appointment with a new cardiologist tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.  

i did go to my meeting today, and an old acquaintence from the wayback days spoke rather than our usual 12 step/tradition reading and discussion.  its our format for the last wednesday of the month.  it was a good lead, and i learned some things about him that i'd never known, as he wouldn't share and didn't stay sober long enough for me to try to get too far into his backstory back then.  i got a gyro for lunch and came home afterward.  i was going to go see my mother but Deedy was expected so i'll try again tomorrow after my cardiologist, i guess.

i finished my second edit of THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS and have it just about ready to send to the printer.  i am being exacting this time.  i know errors slipped through on JANICE'S JOURNAL, and i am determined this is going to be as close to a perfect read as i can make it.  a standard has to be set for those i will employ as editors, and to charge people for my services they have to be impeccable.  so, there you go.  

i had leftover pasta immersed in hot and sour soup and a salad for dinner.  i am about to watch some television and call Rachel after i see if Tina is going to call back.  I saw Adriene at the meeting and she still can incite lust, though i don't have to act upon it.  i find i don't know any sane women, but i am not the most well-adjusted man so i guess it don't really matter.  i am going to the gym in the morning.  i am grateful for a wonderful day and i thank Jehovah for his kindness.  good night. 

yesterday...

i'm not sure how i missed writing on Tuesday, but it happened, so i need to catch up.  I got up and said prayers and went to the gym.  i walked on the treadmill and thought about some things, as i was listening to a song and realizing a 'life imitates art imitates life' moment was transpiring in my brain.  i could feel the depression trying to grab hold of me.  i came home with the remembering that Syd had to have a tooth pulled that morning, so i rearranged things in my head and got ready to take her to the dentist.  i worked diligently on editing Old Lazarus up to and long after the dental appointment.  i enjoyed Syd's company for most of the day, read some of The Art of Thinking at the dental clinic, came home and had breakfast and got back to work.

I talked to Rachel for a bit in the afternoon, i ate lunch at home, two hot dogs, i sent chicken parmesan to my mom's house via my aunt, i wrote Heather a letter that has to be mailed today, i made my bed, i washed dishes.  i did the mundane things that i do on a daily basis.  and i felt good doing them.  leftovers for dinner, more editing, and i eventually slid beneath a binaural beats meditation and went to sleep.  took me awhile to get there, but i did.

today, i'm up, prayer and breakfast.  not the gym yet.  need to print up an appreciation certificate for the meeting today, and i need to get to the store to resupply some things.  second edit is done, going to run through it one more time and then i'm going to start working on publishing.  i am so grateful to Jehovah, for the way through the darkness of the depression that is gnawing at me.  i will get through this day, and tomorrow can take care of itself.

some better, continued...

i go through this so much, i'm sure this has been a heading title before, but just in case, i am feeling some better today.  i'm not sure if it's the Victoza or a touch of a bug, as i spent all day yesterday in bed, just trying to take it slow.  but it is a bit better today, and i'm in the process of shutting down, so i figure i need to blog and get it down before i'm gone.

as i said, yesterday was a big chill day.  i was home alone, and i had stuff to eat on, stuff to drink and a bed to sleep in.  that was about all i could handle.  i did say my prayers, but that was about it.  no Kingdom Hall, no CA meeting.  i watched a whole series of a show called 'Midnight Diner' on Netflix, one of the best things i've ever seen in my life.  that enjoyable, yes.  and i ate hot and sour soup Syd went and got for me.  and i went to bed early and got up on time this morning, though i wasn't rushing.

i said prayers, saw Syd out the door and had some breakfast after i cleaned up the kitchen a bit.  i thought on what i had to get done today and what i wanted for lunch and dinner.  Michelle was going out, so i hitched a ride with her to the store and got my stuff.  i made a chicken parm in the crockpot and had fish sandwich and soup for dinner.  that was all pretty tasty.  i went to see Heather, who is going through some roughness, but there was only to encourage her and get some information to contact her attorney and to call Meridian services for her, which i did both before i got home.

i have been taking it slow still, have talked to Rachel briefly, and am just trying to let myself either acclimate or reject that med entirely, if that is what the problem is.  but feeling better is a great thing, and i thank God for keeping me moving in the right direction.  oh, well, peace and love, and rest for the weary.

Victoza my ass...

i hate this day and am glad that it's ending.  I am grateful for life, don't get me wrong.  i am grateful for breath and a chance for a better day should I awaken.  but i never feel good about a day where i feel like shit and don't know if waking up is a thing that will happen.  that's never a real good feeling.

i got up and said my prayers, and i had had a strange dream about Rachel being at a great distance even though she was close enough to touch.  yesterday was just one of those days.  a compendium of internal things that I know are going on inside of Rachel though i don't have her say so to confirm any of it.  i've long reached the point of not requiring someone's verification of what i perceive to accept it as truth, because I don't have to act on anything i perceive.  but when it's as close as she is to me, it lingers.

anyway, got up, prayed, thought about the dream.  started to plan for the actions of the day, which i wrote about yesterday.  let's shorten this, as i still feel like shit.  i got the dish rack, got the microwave set up (thank you again :-D , and i went to the jail.  but i didn't get to visit Heather due to some mix up on the part of the jail, and i didn't finish my cleaning, not even the counterspace that I was wanting to get arranged, because i feel like shit, and i didn't get any of the other stuff done.
and it's that fucking Victoza.

today i felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest, i felt pain in my back, nausea, headachy, dizzy, numbness, tingling and a host of other 'side-effects' that are listed on the internet as possibilities with Victoza.  i felt that way yesterday too, but to a lesser extent.  my eyes feel like they're trying to fall out of my head and i have no energy at all.

i have to get it together.  i have to get some of this shit finished.  but it makes me realize...vulnerability is the scary thing as you get older.  not so much the probability of getting sick, but the likelihood of having to deal with it by yourself, to the extent that you are able, and others only commiserating after they discover that you'd been sick.  i don't know.  it's an adjustment, and i'll have to do it, but i won't have to like it.

i did send off the information to my friend Lisa, so i hope that goes well.  Father, I'm sorry for my ingratitude, and i have to go to bed now.

move toward your blessing

i am tired, and that is without any fanfare or exaggeration.  I have had a long day, and it is getting close to its ending.  but i want to make sure i get this down.  this is very important to me.

I got up, prayed and talked myself out of the gym.  this has to be corrected.  things will get physically better for me if i take the time to get myself in a routine.  I don't think it will result in me getting thin, but it will result in me getting healthy enough to change some things in my life.  I got up, however, and i got myself into thought.  I saw Syd off to school and I thought about this project I am embarking upon.  I thought about how i needed to get back to my outreach work, and how I know the problems that I'm facing already.  and then it occurred to me.  I needed to reach out more specifically.
now, here's the deal.  I know this about a blessing.  i know that a blessing works best when the person in need of one is trying to do the right things toward it.  a person cannot fulfill their own blessing, because blessings by their nature come from outside of the individual.  but in the spiritual sense, if God is going to bless a person, it helps a lot if the person is walking toward that blessing.  like, if I am praying to win the lottery, the chances of that happening are extremely thin if i'm not playing the lottery.  If i pray for good health and i'm doing unhealthy things, it works against the request.

so i am in prayer for the successful printing of my book, the successful marketing of OLD LAZARUS,  the successful launch of my business.  and i think about my friends Kat and Lisa.  Kat is in Florida, has her own baked goods company online now.  Lisa is in Columbus, was one of the high ranking members of the group Eternal Vibologism and is a Jack of all trades.

speaking to Lisa was a blessing.

she is willing to plug me into her magazine, which is cool.  she's willing to do a write-up on the book, which is cool too.  but what she did was vintage Lisa, and vintage cool.  she suggested a company that might make the printing a LOT easier.  I MEAN A LOT.  and i'm going to investigate it tomorrow.

i had dinner and conversation with Rachel.  I helped my dad get stuff down to his event and helped get the food in the house he brought home from the event.  i am grateful for the blessing of good intel.  i am going to sleep.  Thank you, Father for a wonderful day.

aching today

though this has been a good day also, it has had it's bad points.  but i'll get to them as they come up.

i got up and said prayers, and considered the gym, but a gout flare sort of dissuaded me.  and it gave me an appreciation for Rachel, who out of the blue brought me tart cherry juice the day before.  I got up, saw Syd out the door as i worked on the video that i'm going to post here also.  i had things to get done, and that was one of them.  I worked on it for two hours and then it wouldn't format into a playable video which frustrated the fuck out of me.  so i went on with some business. stepping away from a thing often allows the answer to manifest itself, when i'm tuned in to the right station.

i had some very senior moments.  gong to western union to get the money my friend from Ontario sent, I had the wrong code number, and the wrong amount, and she had messaged them to me accurately on Facebook.  all i had to do was double check.  i came home after i got some nachos for the green tomato salsa i'd made the day before.  Syd asked if i could get her a charger for her new phone and i didn't know what kind.  i came home, took salsa to my mom, went back to Giant Eagle western union again as i got the right information, got that money, bought some fish and got Syd's charger.  then i came back home.

i called Rachel and she was still in the bed and running late for her counseling, so i told her to get ready and i went to take her.  we hung out afterward, got some lunch and talked.  she has been okay, but processing some thoughts and emotions, without apparently much help from her counselor.  i came home after, got orange marinated chicken into the oven after seasoning and brown sugar-ing, and i am shutting it down pretty soon.

the bad thing, i guess, is that i did too much at the gym yesterday,and combined with the gout it has been a physically miserable day.  i con't mind, though.  it can always be worse, and has been a time or two.  all i know to do right now it to rest, get ready to start it again tomorrow and to thank Jehovah for the many blessings that i have received, especially the ones i don't even know about yet.

seeing with right eyes

today went by well.  i got up with prayer, i dealt with Syd saying she felt nauseous (actually, Joe telling me she felt nauseous, then me summoning Syd and telling her Joe had to go if i called her off from school.  for the record, i don't think she's going to do well this year, and it's not going to phase me), but first i went to the gym.  just weights work today, no treadmill.  i had my leftover burger for breakfast, and i got my gear together and went to the east side to get some video and some stills of the area where they're kicking people out of homes to put up a factory.  i decided at Rachel's question that i do have to show some social consciousness with the Youngstown Organix label if i want people to buy into it.  i came home, uploaded my shots onto the computer, changed my batteries in my camera and cleaned it out.  the cable guy came before i left and checked the line, and of course found nothing wrong with my internet but at least he didn't wreck my system like the last tech did.

i went to my meeting, talked to some guys, did the meeting, short chapter today, tradition 4.  autonomy.  then i came home.  i had soup and a chicken sandwich for lunch.  i worked on the music for my east side project, and i worked on my dinner.  Rachel called and said she was at northside with her daughter getting records and she was going to walmart after.  i asked her if she could get me some things i needed to try a green tomato salsa and she did.  so i got to see her at least today, which was nice.  meatloaf turned out too salty, but the rest of dinner was cool.

i have the first three layers of my project together, and i'm going to work on it some more tomorrow.  the plan is to hit the gym.  my body is sore but it will be a treadmill day.  i'm going to get my house clean.  i'm going to edit old lazarus.  i'm going to find the people i still need for my Old Lazarus commercial.  i'm going to giant eagle to get a western union order for books.  i wanted to take some time to talk to my dad but he's running like a madman trying to get things done for his banquet so i think i'll wait until next week.  i'm going to enjoy my day, because there is nothing else more worthwhile to do.

i see my dad and his struggles with getting older the same as i see the situation of the people losing their homes on the east side.  it's all displacement, in one way or another.  you get old enough, you begin to lose your mental and emotional territory, younger thoughts roll in low a rowdy new gang.  all you can do is watch for the weakness they display and hope that you are man enough and cold enough to exploit that weakness when the time is right.  it's not cowboy honor, but life is about staying alive, and damn some formal way of living if you don't even bother to live.  but that's just me being tired and needing to shut it down now.  thank you, Jehovah, for a beautiful day.

...not a bad day...

so i'm pretty sure i said i made it to the gym this morning.  and i think i said that i was going to visit my parents, which i did see my mom.  i also got back to editing on Old Lazarus, put in two applications online, went to lunch with Lonnie and had a good dinner.  i am watching Tombstone at the moment.  having the television off is bringing some interesting thoughts into my head, things of a creative nature.  i need to go east tomorrow, get some shots of the streets where they're buying houses to tear them down.  i want to truly implement the notion of Youngstown Organix, and that means things have to be addressed as we come forward.  i also have to pay the rent for the meeting, do the meeting and get some shots of the more abandoned areas of the mills.  i have to approach a few more people about getting me some customers.  i plan to hit the gym again tomorrow morning, so i am going to finish this movie and shut it down.  i am grateful to God for a good day.

tiny peppers

...suffice it to say they were hotter than expected, and therefore the discomfort of our parting kept me from wanting to sit...and do anything.  nuff said.

so, i got up and prayed and didn't go to the gym yesterday.  i don't know what the problem is, but i know that i have to get right.  i did unhook my cable box and took it and the remote back to time-warner.  i also downgraded to their starter service, and will likely lower even more, as i don't really want to keep being distracted by television.  i went to the post office as well, mailed the books to my friend in Ontario, found out it is a ridiculous amount of money and issue to mail a package across the border.  i mailed Heather a letter as well, got it done in time for her to maybe contact Jackie (program friend, woman) before the week is out.  have to remember to contact Meridian Services again today.

i went to the store and got stuff for hamburgers for dinner, i took a very nice bath (soothing after the peppers) and i got myself groomed.  i had leftovers for lunch and i napped a bit.  i did not watch television and i can't say i missed it.  my brain has to recover from much electronic input.  it's going to have to recover from Facebook and wasted internet time soon as well, but one thing at a time.

i talked to Rachel only briefly.  I know she's still processing.  a lot of intimacy tends to make her drift, and it was  a lot of intimacy when i saw her last.  but i'm not going to pressure her.  a person can not be made to feel good about feeling good.  they have to discover the rightness in that for themselves.

i shut it down early, determined to get up today and get my day started right.  so i got up this morning, said my prayers, got dressed for the gym, heated the last of yesterday's coffee and made a fresh pot before i got out the door.  i just did a half hour on the treadmill, but it's a start.  i went to wal-mart and got stuff for a soup to use these hot greens in, and i'm going to get my day started for real right now.  some film i have to get, some stills, i want to address the issue of people displacement in a dying city.  and i have to message more people on my list about possibly getting me some folks to buy Old Lazarus.  it's starting slow, but with four books sold, can't really argue results.  later.

sunday momentum

pretty sure the picture is from yesterday and not today, but it is just an affectation this time, so it doesn't matter.  it's kind of how i feel, sort of drained and listless, so i push on, because the worst is yet to come.

i got up and said prayers and put myself in motion, but i had nothing pressing to do.  i was going to go to my mom's house early and do clothes, but i wasn't feeling that frisky.  i did get over there around 9, 10 maybe.  i had my meds and breakfast, i cleaned my dishes, and i thought about what would be for dinner.  i had to get money to make up the meeting bag, money for Syd since the child support card hadn't loaded yet and i needed to get to the store.  the last didn't happen today, but things still got done.

i'd decided i wasn't going to the meeting but i changed my mind and went anyway. no reason, just not feeling it today.  but i know that i'm right up the block from November, and that's not the point to start letting inertia get ahold of me, so i keep it moving.

i washed clothes at my parents and napped while my mom listened to the Watchtower lesson at the Hall on the phone.  i took my stuff home, got it in the dryer and got the steak i got from my parents prepped for the oven.  cooked it frozen on low and seasoned and wrapped in foil so i could figure what to do with it when it was tender and cooked.  then i fixed a cup of coffee, put the steak in the oven, turned off the dryer and went to my meeting.

i took the rest of the white chili and the corn bread with me to give to whomever was hungry.  we only got about 6 people today, so it wasn't bad but i brought most of the chili and corn bread home.  i hadn't heard from Rachel and couldn't catch Lonnie so i got some food from McD's and came home and ate and dried clothes and worked on dinner.  i also put the chili in a small container in the freezer, so i got it for next time i want it.

i made smothered steak, dressing (with the rest of the bacon honey jalapeno corn bread) and collard greens.  i ate, i have watched some tv, fucked around on facebook and thought about what i need to get done tomorrow. i have listened to Bill Withers and Curtis Mayfield and John Lennon, and they fit together surprisingly well.

i feel the hollowness developing, but i have a lot to fill it with.  if i dare.  if i have the courage, if i have the goddamn intelligence.  it's going to be a fun fight.  Thank you, Father, for 27 good years so far.

...whahappen?

...not sure what happened last three days.  but i need to get this shit in gear, and i apologize to my Father and my toti for the delay.

i can only go from today and toss in some memories as they surface.  i got up about five this morning, and said my prayers and got to cleaning.  it was kind of slow going, gathering clothes, stripping my bed, but then i got a pot of coffee on, and got to work.  i cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom first then texted my brother to come for breakfast.  i'd made plans with him on Friday to come over in the morning so i could get some film of him for the next advert, first one for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS on sale.  i made breakfast while i worked more on the kitchen and backroom.  didn't want to get too far into cleaning the kitchen just to have to do it again later.

Jerry came by and told me he was a mite too superstitious to do the shoot by the headstones i wanted to do.  he says it cost him some sleep last night.  not sure what the issue was, but i changed it to a shot sitting at the edge of my driveway and some snaps of him by the rocks in the field of weeds.  I can work with them, but it's not the way it is in my head.  but before you start, everything is negotiable.  i have a notion to ask the guy behind me to play my Jesus figure, and the guy that was going to be the devil was to come over today but he cancelled on me, saying 'wardrobe problems'.  nothing i could do about that.

the day other than that was pretty boring.  i did clean my whole house, i had lunch and dinner, i heard from Rachel in text but didn't see her and haven't talked to her yet. i wanted to go to my mom's house to wash clothes but company was there all day so that didn't happen. i chilled, which seemed to be the right thing to do.

currently, i am bored, and i'm about to go to bed.  friday i had counseling and it was a good session but it was sad.  talked about depression and death and the limitations of being able to prevent someone from dying if they are truly of that mind.  it is never an easy session like that, nor should it be.  sometimes you have to deal with the dark stuff to clarify the quality of the light.  yesterday as well i finished making my white chili.  it was very good, but i'd hoped i'd have been eating it with Rachel and that didn't happen.  i know she's dealing with her family, and i know enough to know that she is trying to appease them, that they have some issue with me as someone who can get her out of the house and away from them and on her own time.  but i remain patient.  she is worth the wait.  thus far.

i don't know, there was something on my mind but it's gone now and i'm not going to dig around too far to find it.  perhaps when i get to this tomorrow, it will come back.  meanwhile, thank you for your patience, Father, and i'm done for the day.

blessings through action

i am starting this a bit early, because i think it's going to be an early night.  it's been a good day, thus far.  there is the tension between myself and Syd, but i'm okay with that.  there is a slight headache, and there is an interesting conversation with my mother.  but other than that, it has been one of those days where i learn, i share and i can see the manifestation as i go through.  and that's the best kind of day for me.

i was up before my alarm, said my prayer and shut off my alarm before it rang. i got into my gear and ready to roll, because i forgot VF informed me there would be no JCC today due to the holiday.  so i was there and home within five minutes, feeling like an old, forgetful man.  but that's okay, everyone has at least one moment a day like that, young or old.  i went home, started on my project of messaging a couple of people per day, logging the responses.  then after Syd left i had breakfast.  i worked some more on the contacts, talked with my sister, whom i refer to as my babybigsister, as we were born on the same day though she is older than i.  met her a long time ago on yahoo 360 and we became friends as you do when your spirit is able to 'see' another spirit even through these electronic environs.  we spoke through Whatsapp, and though i hate those phone usage apps, i was glad to speak to her and she committed to five books, a hundred dollars that she will WU to me.  a blessing, though i did try to inform her that so much was not as important as her contacts being willing to purchase, but she loves me and likes to support people who are trying to elevate themselves.  gift horse, no peeking.

i got myself in gear and went to my meeting, but as i was talking to my babybigsis, One Main called.  i called them back and they made me the offer of paying off all my credit cards and putting cash in hand, few hundred, for an increase of 40 a month for 2 extra years, or back to the original five years.  i'm going to talk to my bank in the morning, see if they have something they can do a bit better, but i'm thinking despite the longer repay i'm going to take it.  one, because it means i won't have any credit card debt, and i can start that over.  2, because it means i will be able to pay my landlord what he is owed and i won't have to be deeper in his hole from december to february.  3, because things will change again, but for now it will be less money going out.  and that is the blessing, along with 4, because it will free up my credit in case i need it to finance part of Z-Phyles.  it is a prayer being answered, and i did the footwork and that makes me feel good and blessed.

Syd informed me that her project with my business is done, and i don't mind but i had to ask her and i'm sure she was waiting for the most impactful time to inform me of this.  i'm not negotiating with being respected in my own house any longer.  tired of the bullshit and i'm not going to end our time together on this dog and pony show shit.  but she'll figure it out.  thinking about dinner, thinking about what i'm going to do with the evening, thinking about Rachel, and thinking about how things work out when you stay in the proper movement.  thank you, Jehovah, for a day of learning.

almost 5am

yeah, i'm just getting up.  getting back to my life.  and getting this stuff down and coming back around a bit later.

mad with Syd right now.  tired of the delays and the second thoughts about who i am and where she is.  i'm not going to do for ungrateful people right now, not going to happen.  got too many things i need to be taking care of, and that's energy i can use more efficiently if i just stay focused on the road ahead.

she seems to think i need to ask her to see her doctor's papers from a dental emergency visit.  seems to think i need to ask to see her glasses on her face. i have no problem with striving for independence, but i have a problem with being disregarded, as she damn well knows.  and i'm not going to pretend that it's not happening.

are these portents of what getting older is really like?  because if they are, my strive for self-sufficiency in a financial sense is imperative.  i have to make sure i'm taking care of me the way others will have to take care of me.  if i'm not really taking care of me, then anyone can do anything to me eventually and i'll be in no position to contest it.

i see people doing dumb things, living lives as if they will never grow up.  grown people living children's lives.  i don't understand how this keeps happening.  talking to people, seeing the insanity manifesting over and over, and no real end in sight.  so in the end, its just one more way that the world has us programmed, bad beginnings and bad endings.  i don't want that for myself.  but it would make a good book title.

i talked to the landlord, i talked to One Main and i have two people on board for the 10 individual request for the pre-sale. i have individuals who are saying they will purchase, and that is positive as well, but the ones who actually follow through are going to be the key.

more later.

working on it

this cold is amazing.  i don't know if i even approve of myself right now.  i suffered in the oppressive humidity of this past summer and now autumn is showing that I'll likely suffer through the bitterness of the oncoming winter.  at some point i guess you should not bitch but just roll with it and live with it.  but i am cold, down into my bones already.  i woke today with a tickle in my throat and coughing, though that's not the case now.  i want to climb back into my bed and get beneath the comforter and just be warm and drowsy, but i have miles to go before i sleep.

i got up and said prayers, and moved slow because i'm cold.  i did not go to the gym, as i was seeing to Syd getting to the dentist as scheduled.  i talked to Rachel as i was getting my list together for messaging through Facebook as to getting me sales of Old Lazarus, and i texted my landlord after breakfast to see when i could go talk to him.

we worked out that i'd pay him 100 dollars in November, 550 from December to February, and call it even on the last 10 dollars.  movement in the right direction.  I called One Main financial while i was riding home and asked if we could renegotiate payments to lower them so i could get some relief, while making clear i was borrowing no more money.  we'll see what they have to say.

as Heather did get my letter i'll assume that she got my message about someone in my life.  i don't mind visiting her, i just don't want to lead her to thinking something else can happen, nor do i want to keep any seeds of revenge or selfish use of her in my brain.  Meridian hasn't gotten in touch with her yet so I'm going to call them again today.

other than that, all is cold and well.  i am keeping my running minimized as i don't want to blow what i have on gas alone.  i feel like i am taken care of, and that's what is most important.  i do nothing of my own amazing ability anyway; i know where my blessings come from.  Thank you, Father, and I'll get more in here later today.  

B-Movie

this ain't really your life, ain't nothing but a movie...a chorus from a Gil Scott-Heron song called 'B-Movie', reagan era groove but the sentiment is so accurate for these days.

i got up with prayer and some pain.  gout been working on me for the past twenty four hours or so as of this writing.  i slept with it and woke with it and was slow to get in motion but i finally got up.  i took insulin and meds and had breakfast of sausage and rice and eggs.  i cleaned dished that i'd left from the day before, talked to TP for a minute and went to the store to get what i needed for haluska.  i had planned to make it for the potluck at the meeting and for Syd for dinner.
i got stuff for the haluska, came home and got it made and went to take my bath.  then i got dressed, got stuff together and went to the meeting.  it was a good meeting, a bit larger than we've been getting lately but that was good.  not a lot of discussion on the chapter we read, but good nonetheless.
i took Rachel a pack of black and milds, spoke with her for a bit and came home, got in about 3 i guess.  i made myself some chili dogs and started trying to watch some stuff on the computer.  currently i'm going to get my nighttime insulin, because i didn't take it yet, and i'm going to shut it down for the night.  i'm going to try to force myself to the gym in the morning.  tomorrow i'm going to see my parents, going to see Heather at the jail and i'm going to storyboard this video.  i'm going to ask my landlord if he can make time for a sit-down so i can ask him about skipping a month of rent so i can try to get my head above water next month.  i'm going to call One Main and ask them about halving their payments as well, for the same reason.  i have to get rid of some of my cable stuff and have them lower the service in the upcoming week as well.  i have things to do, and they ain't getting done by worrying about doing them.

people are losing their minds this election season.  i don't know why.  i look at this as business as usual in America.  candidates feed off the fear of people, fear that they themselves have created.  supply and demand, its commerce 101.  but folks would rather not see that.  Hillary never did gie a damn about anything but power, and for Donald it's just a game, a television show and publicity to increase his brand visibility.  it's not about running a country or doing what's best for America.  but when is it ever?  when has it ever been?  black people are mad because Obama has 'done nothing for black people'.  never mind the obstructionist House and Congress that has blocked his policy for the country as a whole; what would the results have been had he introduced a bill for, say, reparations or a redrafting of the Constitution to bring black citizens and other minorities up to full human being citizen status?  so, what exactly is the deal?  was Bernie supposed to be the Savior?  was anyone really surprised that idiots, morons and weak chinned backtalkers wouldn't stand a chance against a guy who knew what the worst in the America psyche would be drawn most concretely to?  i wasn't.  but none of this is real.  it's bought and paid for entertainment.  i would like to see the stats on the increase in gun purchases in the past year of primaries.  but, that's just me, i guess.  thank you, Father, and good night.

...just another day...

today has been a nothing kind of day, but planning did occur and an amend must eventually be proffered.  but that's getting a bit ahead of myself.
i woke with prayer, and i woke slowly.  i wasn't really feeling much of anything or anywhere, and my radar was acting up.  i had plans to visit Heather at the jail today, but i also felt apprehension getting a text from her mysterious cellmate's 'friend' about a change in visitation times today.  and i felt sort of wrong about someone knowing me and my number without me knowing them.  as in, what else do they know, and have they seen me and do they know when i come to the jail and where i go when i leave.  and though i know this is likely paranoid, i trust my instincts more now than i did before i had things stolen from me twice.
so i didn't go.  i will go on monday, and it will be out of the cycle, and hopefully out of the routine enough that i feel comfortable.
i had breakfast and lunch and dinner, i ate reasonably, i worked on some of the details for the publishing service, i gave my brother the book i ordered for him that arrived, and i watched tv and chilled.  i am talking to Rachel right now.  i am going to the store in the morning to get stuff for haluska for the potluck as i'm going to my meeting.  i am okay with things as they are at the moment, and we'll see what tomorrow brings when it gets here.  thankful to my Father for a peaceful day.

sleepy...

the house is quiet tonight.  i can hear the crickets, maybe some cicada, i can hear the cars rolling along my street intermittently.  i can hear voices far far away, and sometimes right out my front door, from my neighbor's apartment.  i can hear my thoughts and i can hear my sighs, and that is cool with me.  it's a good night.

i got up slow this morning, though again i was dressed for the gym.  but i took it easy, didn't feel it as much as i was trying to manufacture.  despite the prayers and despite the attempts to strengthen faith, my finances are really getting me down.  not the lack of money, the finances. because i paid rent, paid utilities, paid trash service and am paying on cards and i'm going to be struggling from the beginning of the month to the end.  with my loan repayment and car note, it is oppressive.  and i have to do something to resolve it.  i have options, and i am going to explore them very soon.  meanwhile...

am really sleepy this evening.  i don't have a lot to write, so i'm going to finish this, go get in my bed and move toward sleep.  just sleepy, it's still a good day being that i did what i could and hurt no one in the process.  thank you Father.

ending on a sour note

i was feeling pretty good about today, and i'm certain after i write in this i will feel okay again.  but for the moment, i am weary of my child.  it happens.  not a parent alive that it doesn't happen to, best of them and the worst of them.  and it's about par for the course, and it doesn't happen as much as it used to, so i guess that's okay.

today i got up on time but i couldn't bring myself to go to the gym.  don't know why, exactly.  was watching 'cat on a hot tin roof' and nodding in and out.  so i decided another course of action must be imposed for the day.

i did pray, i did take meds and insulin, and i sat at the computer and paid my bills, the primary ones.  then i got my ass south and had breakfast with Marc and then went to the meeting.

the meeting was good, the home group meeting was good, and i have some things that i have to take care of in the coming days, that i need to start making a list on.

i talked to Rachel briefly after the meeting, and couldn't catch Lonnie and didn't get anyone at the house.  i decided i'd cut the grass, being that it needed cutting and i needed exercise.  it was a rough cut, just winded quickly, but i persevered and aside from the back slope i did it all.  in the process, Syd came home with Jo.  i asked Jo to go get me gas for my can, and he complied right away.  i told Syd while he was gone that i wanted the trash taken out to the curb and the floor swept.  that was about 3 this afternoon.

the sour note, then.  at 930 i'm summoning her for the third time on this.  trying to find out just what it means that a person 'has an alarm set' on taking trash out.  she said she was doing homework.  now, i could think myself nitpicky, but taking out trash is not a lengthy process in an apartment.  gather small trash into big trash, and get big trash to can and to curb.  not more than ten minutes, period.  so when i'm told that 'i've got an alarm set on it' it means, i'm blowing it off, hoping that you just do it yourself, and also hoping that me saying 'i forgot' tomorrow will go over as well as it's been working lately.  and i'm just not feeling that today.  so i got in her shit about it, and now i'm irritable.  it happens.  i'll be okay by tomorrow.  tomorrow i have to go through my cards and make payments.  that's how it goes.

i wrote Heather a letter today.  sent her some sudoku pages i printed.  told her about what's going on with me, by way of the business i'm tending to and the person that is in my life.  felt it was necessary.  the 'friend's mom' texting me that 'Heather loves you', the looking out the tier window while i'm driving away, the tone of 'i can't wait to see you' and 'i don't know what i'm going to do when i leave here', i needed to reiterate in clearer, reinforced terms, that i am not inclined towards intimacy.  i did get in touch with Meridian on her behalf, gave them her name and they'll be looking for her and seeing what they can do to help her.  i will continue to visit.  but i will not allow false hopes of romantic inclination...not even from myself.  because i am that kind of asshole, and something easy and vengeful would not be out of character for me.  so i am acting out of character, and that is going to be the thing that enables me to continue helping her, and maybe having a better foundation for a working friendship in the future.  we'll see.

anyway, i'm going to get some water and lay it down.  Thank you, Jehovah, for everything.

groovy

i find myself at a crossroads.  i also find myself enjoying being there.  the crossroad isn't new.  the enjoyment is.  it's scary, but it feels pretty good.

when i got up, i wasn't certain if the center would be open today, so i said my prayers but didn't plan on the gym.  i do have to get regular, but i also believe in sense.  i got a call from Rachel before seven, and she was washing clothes.  which was a good thing.  i didn't miss the car, and she was getting something done she needed to.  i saw Syd off to school and took a bath.  i'd taken my meds and insulin, but i was waiting for Rachel because i knew she hadn't eaten.

when she got here she was exhausted and pretty much irritable.  she wanted to take a shower and i left her a towel and wash cloth in the bathroom.  while she was showering i got eggs and grits together and we had breakfast.  then i gave her pillows and the comforter from my bed so she could crash and she slept off and on for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon.

i worked on my website, leaving some information about the changes coming in my business arrangements, i paid Syd's phone as i had forgotten again and she was disconnected, i composed the music for my site so it wouldn't be using music that belonged to someone else (simple, as everything else, but good enough for what i'm doing now).  i got some chicken prepped for dinner and eventually started working on cooking.  i made baked chicken, mashed potatoes and zucchini for dinner.  Rachel ate with me and then i took her home after she got gas for the car.

she had gone to the casino.  i'm assuming it wasn't the worst night she has ever had, but it is still a person engaging regularly in their obsessive/compulsive behavior, usually with consequences.  i don't really lose sleep because i've offered to help her as i can.  change comes when the individual is willing to change.  i can talk more, i can say the same things over and over, and they won't be any more effective than they were the first time i said them.  but they have been said.

i talked to my friend Vera last night before i crashed.  well, i texted with her, which is all we do anymore.  she is very busy and i take what i can get as long as it's consistent.  she asked for my paypal information so she could pay me for the editing job i'm going to do in the future.  so i've got that coming.  and that's how this is going to go.  i'm going to build up my business online.  i'm going to use Facebook and all the other social media i can to put this together.  and i'm going to work out my music, my video production and editing, and getting my logo out as far as i fucking can, so that next year is going to be a really bad-ass successful year for me.  and in the meantime, i'm going to start doing the same thing with the pre-sales for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS.  a good start.

...grumpily...

today was a good day, but i feel a little unfriendly, a little antisocial.  i don't know exactly why, but that's how it went down.  i felt good getting up, got dressed and had coffee and got my ass to the gym but it was closed for the Jewish holiday, Rosh Hashanah.  which, mind you, i should have known, but i forgot.  so i came home, and got to work on a new project.  eventually i saw Syd off to school, had breakfast, meds and insulin, and got myself in motion to pay my rent.  i went to the bank, got money out, and my landlord was elsewhere so i ended up at big lots though i had planned not to go this month, and i got some coffee for the meeting, an extra bag in case i need some, shampoo for myself, and some odd and end stuff.  then i went to pay my rent and came home.

i went to lunch with Lonnie, but my dad came by first and returned $10 dollars he borrowed on sunday.  then i went to my parent's and washed a load of clothes and talked with my mom for a bit.  i brought my clothes home to dry because people were on their way in the house, including Deedy whom i try not to bother with when it can be helped.  my aunt was coming in from work and my dad was coming from either a wake or a doctor's appointment as well.  i got home and Syd was here with Jo.  i kind of zoned out mostly, until i heard from Rachel.  she asked if she could borrow my car and i told her sure as i have nothing else going on at the moment.  i suggested she take time to wash her mountain of clothes while she has transportation to the laundry mat, but she likely won't.  i am going to get some water, run a bath and crash, and think on what i'm doing with my day tomorrow.  bills, probably, and then figuring what dinner is supposed to be.  not much else to say today, but that doesn't make it a bad day.  just a day spent grumpily.  ]

early to bed

i got up this morning later than i'd planned, though with nowhere i needed to be.  i prayed, got up and took meds and insulin.  i reheated coffee that i'd made yesterday evening, and had coffee and water with the plate my brother had brought by yesterday.  the food was good and appreciated and i texted him to let him know both.  i started working on a harmony part for a groove i transported to my laptop but its too slow and the recording time is off.  strange how that happens.  so i put it aside.  i messed around far too long on facebook, and then i got dressed and went to my meeting.

the meeting was good, the chapter we read was good, and i found someone to put Heather in touch with, a woman who works a good 12 step program and may be a source of support for her.  i let the woman know and she agreed, provided Heather gets in touch with her when she's able.  and that will clarify a lot of things concerning genuine willingness on Heather's part.  but i'm going to pass my friend's umber along in a letter and look at putting her on Donofrio's waiting list.  it's what i said i'd do.

after the meeting i went to the store.  started to go to Wal-mart but the parking lot there was swollen.  Aldi's was as well but i went anyway.  got lunch and dinner stuff.  came home, got my lunch started while i worked on editing a video, then after i ate i worked on the video in earnest.  it's going to be more documentary-type stuff, but i want to start getting people to buy into the notion of a youngstown organic movement, something homegrown and powerful that can happen and should happen.  so i am working backward this time.  film is edited, now i'm going to write the words, and record them, and then i'm going to put the music to it, compose once i see how it turns out.  learning curve.

i made an alfredo bake for dinner.  it turned out very well, but it was easy enough that i didn't believe it wouldn't.  penne pasta, chicken breast sliced into small pieces, mushrooms, diced green tomato, broccoli, homemade alfredo sauce.  and an egg, becasue one egg i bought from Aldi's had a cracked shell (my fault) and i needed to use it.  very tasty dish.  now, i'm planning on going to sleep.  i am going to the gym in the morning.  i'm going to pay my rent in the morning.  i'm going to pay bills tomorrow.  i'm going to see what i need to do for Syd tomorrow, if she got her pictures done.  and i'm going to do other things that i don't even know about yet.  life is okay, i'm good with it, and nothing is wrong with crashing early.  thank you, Jehovah, for a very nice day.

the blurring of the borders

this day has been instructional in many ways.  i'm not sure if i've learned what i was supposed to, but i've learned.

i started a blog earlier, i'm pretty sure.  i had caught up from yesterday to the morning, and then i got off into my day.  it went well enough, especially not having a plan.  i did go see Heather, and she is trying to feel me out as to whether i will be a resource when she gets out of jail.  i'm going to see if i know anyone with enough juice to get her on the Donofrio waiting list.  i'm also going to see what's available for women as far as 1/2 way or 3/4 way housing, as the landscape is much changed since i was really plugged into the recovery network.  but there are always things, and one thing is for certain:  she will not be staying here.  not briefly, not for a moment.  far more reconstruction of the damage between us has to be done.  but she says she did her 3rd step with the woman who came for the AA meeting, and she's likely going to start on her inventory, so that's what is going on there.

i went to visit Rachel, which was cool, but her guard is way up, and i'm not trying to navigate around it at this time.  i told her a lot of what i've been thinking, and i hung out with her and i came home and that was pretty much that.  she called me this evening but it was a lot of silence again.  but this time i just stayed on the phone until she was ready to start her movie.

i had dinner, i tried to call Tracy but no answer there, i did some rearranging of my work parameters on my desktop and laptop and now i am going to go to sleep.  i am grateful, though i don't think i got the entire lesson today.  i can't figure what is holding Rachel back.  i know the depression, and i know the weight of the things that she feels she caused to be so far out of whack.  but the solution, the only thing that will change it, is action.  and i can't do action for her.  not how it works.  i can't figure why Heather is still trying to find an angle to get at me.  i don't want to hurt her feelings, but i don't mind hurting them if i have to.  i told her to tell whomever is texting me for her to stop.  i'm not open for that kind of business, and i don't really appreciate someone having my number that i don't know.

at the same time, i'm trying to keep in mind that down is not a place you go to hunt when you're trying to get stronger.  you have to hunt above your strength level.  wounded animals are easy prey and they make easy prey out of their predators.  bigger stakes are what i'm after, so bigger game is what i'm hunting.  i am grateful, and i don't hate her, and i will help her.  but if she tries to use me, i'm done.  and that's a fact.

it's saturday.  i feel good, waking up was slow but that was more due to the nature of Nature than the inner weather that's had me sort of sluggish lately.  i can live with a dreary day.

i got up and thought about some things that have been going on in my life lately.  it's foolish to believe that i know better than God, and it's foolish to think that somehow God has forgotten about me.  things work out in due time, and due time is God's time.  i just have to do my part.

but, to the point:

yesterday, after counseling, i went to the store and got things that i'd need for the house, with the exception of coffee and creamer.  i used funds that were running as low as they could, but i knew it would be an expenditure that wouldn't need to be made in October.  i also got Syd shampoo & conditioner and notebooks for school.  then i went to visit my parents.  my dad was gone but my mother and aunt were home.  i talked to my mom for a little while and then went to get some lunch and headed home.  i felt good, i just didn't feel like trying to be especially creative with no money on hand.

i'd talked to Rachel a couple of times but she sounded so subdued i didn't try to stay on the phone with her.  i know she's depressed, and i know she's bummed.  at a point i sent her the information of a gentleman i know from the Program who does home repair, and she can contact him if she wants to.  i don't know how much help he might be, but i know it's better than nothing.

for dinner i pulled ribs out from the last grill of the year, leftover string beans, and i baked a potato.  good dinner.  i watched some old Star Trek and went to bed.  but before i went to bed, i called Patrice.

I'd talked about doing so while i was in counseling.  i have been thinking about her, and realizing that i missed my friend.  so i called, and there was no answer, and she texted me that she would call after her meeting.  my cousin Angela also called and i called her back but she never reconnected after that.  lost a lot of people in ten years.  anyway, Patrice called back and we talked, and i apologized, and she sort of did (her contrition was more easily perceived than mine was even with my apology, if that makes sense to my future self), and we spoke for a good while.  she'd taken her trip to Ireland and Scotland, a part of her heritage, and i told her of my life up til now and we texted good morning this morning, so there you go.  a good day, a good thing, and a third of the money for the month is on the card now, so things are moving along.

i got up and started taking insulin and meds, and i prayed at the table because i didn't pray at my bedside, and i got breakfast together and watched the Rifleman for a bit.  i want to work some on my song but i have the issue of headphones not working with this computer.  i paid less than 100 bucks for the pc so i'm not really disappointed.  i'm just wondering if new headphones would work better of if i need a better fix.

i'm going to see Heather today.  I'm going downtown to take some film today.  rainy day downtown people traffic should be groovy.  i'm going to the store to buy some dinner today.  i'm going to call Rachel shortly, just because.  and i'm going to be grateful, because i am alive and i am as healthy as i will be at the moment and i have no pressing engagements.  that is a blessing at this point in life.  so, thank you Father, for breath and thought and mobility, and i'm going to get moving now.